Monday, September 29, 2008

I was supposed to call this something and I forgot what it was (Sorry Danny)

Yeah yeah…it’s Monday. I got band practice, my boy is at daycare and I didn’t get home until 3 am because I worked last night. Rainy Mondays when you’re alone in the house are some of the lonliest days in the world…that’s a song: Rainy days and Mondays always get me down, right? Well, this is both and I’m in my underwear in the dark feeling like I really need to shake the dust of my dick and make it happen. I’m drinking coffee. I think it’s eventually gonna turn my teeth yellow, which is a bummer. Here’s what they never tell you about the morning: it’s all just various different methods of getting you to take a dump. I always thought that phrases like “Gets you going” or “start your day off right” had to do with energy, but as I’ve aged I’ve come to realize what’s really going on. Amazing. Well, by these standards, I’ve had a really unsuccessful morning so far. Actually, I don’t think there’s a single measuring stick with which you could refer to this morning as successful. At best it’s uneventful.
Yikes, I just read over this paragraph and have an amazing sense that I’m wasting everyone’s time. I don’t know what that is, as this blog is designed explicitly to be a time waster, but I’m feeling a little guilty.
My friend has been hiking the pacific trail. He left 2 months ago a bloated drunken mess and returned home yesterday a slender drunken mess. He’s one of my absolute faves, so it’s really great to have him home. Here’s the funny part: Before he hiked the trail, he went out to this place called Holden, which is, as far as I can glean, a little slice of the fifties nestled into the mountains in Washington run entirely by Lutheran hippies. He goes up there and paints houses and works at the ice cream shop and shit. I know. Anyway, his friend Carl (Karl?) was supposed to go meet him up there and from there they were gonna set off on the trail. Karl (Carl?) was gonna bring the maps and the tent. Okay, right, so dude never showed up, and my buddy is stuck with no tent and no maps and he’s got this plan to hike the pacific trail but no one to do it with. So, what’s a boy to do? Okay, this next part is funnier if I mention that my friend is 29 with a huge beard, glowing white skin and perpetually bloodshot eyes. Okay, back on course…what’s a boy to do? Well, of course you find an 18 year old girl who’s also at the Lutheran commune and you take her. When I talked to him on the phone during his hike, he told me that him and the girl had just been waiting for a car to bring them into town all day and they just arrived and were having a beer. So naturally I asked “wait, dude. Are you telling me that you took an 18 year old girl out of a Lutheran work camp program and you’re dragging her all over the backroads of the northwest, fucking her and hitch hiking to liquor stores on an epic scale?” “Well, only when I’ve got enough energy to fuck. We’re hiking like 25 miles a day.”
Jesus Christ. If this girl’s dad ever catches my friend, I’m guessing it’s gonna be pretty brutal. Hey, honestly, I don’t even know if they were banging, but it kind of seems impossible to me that they weren’t. Right? Pacific trail? That thing’s nothing but a linear fuck fest, from what I hear.
That reminds me of the signs around campgrounds that say “hey, dummies! Don’t fuck out here! It attracts bears!” Firstly, ew. Secondly, get out of here! Of course people are gonna fuck. It’s camping! That’s what camping is for. It’s a new place to fuck. To borrow a turn of phrase from the SAT’s, fucking is to camping as crapping is to mornings, it’s the whole fucking thing, man…Jesus. What am I talking about? Let’s rap tomorrow.

20 comments:

Zac Markey said...

this blog is incredible. i just missed class to read it.

- hurricane kid/kid from the L&L

chevelin said...

genius. ya made my rainy monday morning.

Keri said...

this blog was sort of depressing because it reminded me how much i'm NOT fucking...

Andrew said...

Hey, a quick thought/request...at band practice on this Monday and any in the future, you should practice "Light Breathing (Martha Plimpton)" so you can play it at FEST.

If it's not played at FEST, I may throw something heavy at you dudes during you set.*

*I realize how demanding this sounds, but hey, I wanna hear that song live.

Mikey said...

i actually think you are a genious.

anyways...advice asking time.

so...long story short...my friend has an eating disorder and has had it since she was in grade 5 (she's no 17). she's at the point now i guess where she's suicidal. i've only been friends with her for about half a year and she told me and another friend how she's been feeling. no one else. she doesn't trust her parents, family, anyone.

basically, what am i to do? i don't want to tell anyone because i know that one of her biggest problems is her trust issues and that she finally feels like she has someone to trust when she talks to me. i'm scared if i do tell someone who intervenes it will be what sends her over the edge.

on the other hand, i'm worried she'll do something and i'll feel partly responsible for not trying hard enough.

a part of me thinks she won't actually go through with anything. she's trying to get better. but she's pretty much up. she's constantly depressed and robotic.

hmmmmm. thoughts? :(

Mikey said...

ooooh. i realize the genious part seems like an obligatory thing to say before asking for HUGE major advice. i do, infact, actually think your genious. i typed it before realizing i wanted to ask you advice. and hey, i wouldn't be asking you for advice like that if i didn't think you were smart, right?

A l e x said...

Like a dude smart enough to spell 'genius' correctly? Damn, Bren is a smart duder alright.

(But seriously. This blog entertains the shit out of me. Now I will go and sit with keri in the "NOT fucking" camp. [it sucks.])

Mark said...

This blog entry makes me want to go camping.

With a woman, of course.

Suzanne said...

Keri and Alex, maybe you guys should hook up and solve both your problems.

KyleLM said...

I really want to go pick up some girl and camp for two months now...

SauliosBJ123 said...

Not even a mention of the blogument (blargument?) in your comments?

Tony said...

"That thing’s nothing but a linear fuck fest, from what I hear."

that slayed me!

Mikey said...

"Like a dude smart enough to spell 'genius' correctly? Damn, Bren is a smart duder alright. "

haha

hey, everyone has those certain words they never get right. genius happens to be one of my words. i think a lot of people spell that word incorrectly though.

Ben said...

By your description I'm imagining the Pacific trail to be like the 7/11 of fucking. Like I could just grab some hiking gear and a box of rubbers at any time of the day or night and go work on my bear-attracting. I guess what I'm saying is that I won't be able to read your blog for two months now, so please save all the best material until then.

mike said...

can you make the background white. it hurtz my eyez

Seth said...

Qarl?

PerfectChaos337 said...

Yea,so,Brendan,speaking of shit,my brother came up with this theory called "Poo Time".It's pretty cool if you work in an office type setting.Allow me to expand on the idea with an excerpt from my bro's blog:

"As many of you know, I drink a whole lot of coffee and also hate my job. These factors contribute to my many in-office defecations. Years ago I figured out that there's no reason for me to ever even bother taking a shit at home. No one is going to pay me for that shit. Everybody feel free to adopt and embrace the following system. If while at work you take a twelve minute shit every day (or 2 six minute shits every day, whatever), you will each week earn one hour of what I like to call "poo time". I figure that since I get paid shit I may as well make sure that I get paid TO SHIT. I often exceed twelve minutes a day. Fuckin' bonus!"

-Nick

AlexCanteen said...

This blog reads like I wish I could fuck- in detail and rather nuanced.

Eric said...

I've started icing my coffee so I can drink it through a straw. This way it can avoid all contact with teeth. You can also drink it more quickly, thereby reducing the wait time before you "start your day off right."

Andrew said...

hey i'm not getting any either. lets get a little menage-a-trois goin on here.

P.S. LOL @ "poo time" that sounds like something straight out of maddox.