Friday, September 5, 2008

sack up you fucking pussies.

AAARGH! Friday is a day where it’s just busy enough that I have to bust my ass, but just empty enough that I don’t really make much money. It’s my wife’s birthday. She’s seventeen, which is nice, because that means only one more year until, by Illinois law, I become her legal guardian. Well, actually, I guess she becomes an adult, but whatever, I bought her like, five years ago, so adult-shmadult, you know what I’m saying? Regardless, we’re going out to dinner tonight. Should be fun. We got a babysitter that works at the daycare, so she already knows the baby pretty well, which is important. A baby is very complex. It’s usually either crying because it’s hungry, tired or smeared in shit. So, it’s pretty much exactly like me, but without the Sparks and the blog.
For the last two days, I’ve had to drive to work, which sucks, because I really enjoy biking, but it’s nice because I get to listen to Howard Stern, who I happen to think is pretty great. I got into an argument with my friend Buttcheeks (his real, god given first name) about the Stern show and he said something like “that guy panders to retards and he’s just shocking people for no reason. It’s not funny.” A lot of people share this philosophy. But these people have obviously never listened to the show. This is a grossly inaccurate depiction of what the show is about, drummed up by a small minded media and desemenated to lazy people who don’t want to make up their own minds. Wait, what?
Why even bring this up? Because, it’s easy to pigeon hole something by using negatives, even when they’re not apt. Now, I don’t know who’s been watching the RNC, but wowzers! Those people pull so many roses out of each others asses that they’re giving the late night program of the Sigfried and Roy show a run for it’s money. So many platitudes, so many outright lies. Palin reduces corporate taxes and calls it fighting for the people. Fucked up. Rudy and Sarah both openly mocked Barack for being a community organizer? WTF? That’s insane! They literally laughed at the idea of going into a community and attempting to change things on a grass roots level, and then they market the GOP as the everyman populist party!
So, this is where anyone who doesn’t want to see another republican president throws their hands in the air and goes “ah fuck! They’re lying again. What are we gonna do? We’ve lost!” I’ve heard this from friends and family and I just want to point out a few things.
1. That convention took place in a room full of card carrying party members, just like the DNC did. That means that OF COURSE the speeches went over big. It’s happening in a vacuum. When you beat off to the idea of banging Carrie Underwood, is she underwhelmed at the end of your performance? NO! It’s all happening in a closed system, where it’s in the best interest of everyone involved (just you in the beating off analogy, and the party members in the case of the RNC) to act like everything’s great. Believe me, if you’d watched the DNC with your racist grandpa, you’d have noticed terror in his eyes too.
2. Liberals are so flinchy and gun shy after the last two elections that any amount of confidence exuded by the cons flusters them to a point of helpless woe-is-me-isms that is beginning to make me sick. Listen, remember how I was telling you all that confidence is the ONLY trait that women find attractive in men? Well!!!??? Listen, the evangelical right in this country is great at uniting and spinning and generally being confident. That confidence is attractive and draws voters in, especially undecided voters. If you’re sitting there, crying in your beer because some hillbilly mom squeezed a retarded baby in front of a frankenstien’s monster like old man while her pregnant daughter smiled in a room full of bluebloods and everyone cheered, well, shit, who can blame the undecided voter sitting next to you for finding the other side to be a more attractive proposition. Never mind the issues. There’s a sense of security that comes with a confident leader, and a confident party behind said leader. If this crazy CRAZY lady, a bunch of nervous old men and this ancient, desacated corpse of a nominee are gonna scare the shit out of you all, well, fuck. Maybe that’s the kind of leadership you…we deserve. Get it? Quit worrying. Start doing something postive. Rather than cowering and mailing your kids to Canada, think about what’s gonna happen in a few days when the commercials that talk about how McCain wants to institute the draft and not give college exemptions hit the air. You fucking people disgust me. One retarded baby and you all run for the hills! Sack up, America! It’s about time that all the loudmouthed queers, hippies, unionists, minorities, assholes and whoever else act tough against a real opponent, rather than just yelling at me for taking their stools at the bar. Anyone can carry a sign in a parade of like minded individuals with a permit, anyone can call into a radio show. Anyone can be a bully or a bitch in a purely intellectual setting without consequences except for maybe the self righteous medal of an ideologically earned black eye…Are you brave enough to watch the Republican party disintegrate right in front of you and not have a fucking hissy fit panic attack? And not fucking throw in the towel for no reason? And not just give credence to the old men that call you ineffectual and spineless and incapable of follwing through? And not believe Oren Hatch when he says he thinks Palin was an excellent choice? Because he doesn’t. Believe me. He’s got like, eight wives.

15 comments:

Jordan Parker said...

Again, another post that made me chuckle out loud. Love the political in-your-face commentary. I couldn't agree more. Two points: "you people disgust me" isn't very motivating. You DO want to motivate people, don't you? Not just convince them that they are fucking losers? :) Second point, I will admit that relocation to Canada has already crossed my mind more than a few times since this Alaskan circus poodle came on the scene. Why? Am I running away? Heyyll no. But I realize that GB finagled 8 years in the White House by means of "touching" the ultra-conservative blind followers in this country. Those people are still alive and kicking, and they can still vote. And they're not reading this blog. They're researching Down's Syndrome and renting "Juno" in HD. So, how do we reach the people who need to vote for Obama? I live in Chicago, so it's kind of a waste of my time to do some community organizing (very anti-Republican, yes)...because Obama isn't losing this state. So what do I do? Road trip to Pennsylvania or Texas and do some community organizing for Obama?

Any advice would be appreciated.

SauliosBJ123 said...

Let's mail McCain and Palin to Canada.

Matt Ramone said...

I think it would be helpful if the media reported on facts and the stands politicians take. I would love to pick up the morning paper and see "Sarah Palin Doesn't Believe You Should Have the Choice to Have an Abortion, Even If You Were the Victim of Rape or Incest" splayed spread eagle across the front page.

Instead all anyone ever talks about is tactics and strategy instead of issues. As a citizen I would love even ONE debate where they called the people answering on their bullshit and held their feet to the fire.

Candice said...

amen

Jorubo said...

This blog is just great. I laugh from start to finish.
That Oren Hatch comment, just priceless! Now you can only imagine what it is like being from Utah, the most conservative, multi-wife, republican, state out there.
Don't get me wrong, I love parts of Utah (the snow to be specific)but I am so sick of hearing these conservative/republican assholes wanting four more years of this same shit that has been going on. A lot of people here (I mean a lot) think that if we put McCain in office everything is just going to change for the better. And get this, some people here still think Bush is great! Ha.

Baker Baker 1-9 said...

I think you put it very well, a good call to arms. Let's not forget the ratings for Obama's speech. And as of right now it seems that the ratings for McCain's are a little higher as of right now no final numbers yet. But IF they are higher that could just mean the Obama fans are watching both to educate themselves against the right wing nuts they see on a day to day basis. I know because I was one. I just watch the verbal diarrhea of lies pour out their mouths.

Also check this shit out, fucking great:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=184086&title=sarah-palin-gender-card

iamcitizen01 said...

True, especially regarding the permitted marches. And also about taking the time to have a drink without being shat on ;) I too gasped (although was not fully surprised) at Guiliani and the RNC's chuckling after stating the Obama started his political career as a community organizer. That was just...eerie. Hope you're the "very special guest" lined up for the Sundowner show on Oct. 17th.

Baker Baker 1-9 said...

@iamcitizen01:

I'll give you a few hints as to who the "very special guest" is... Take a look who is playing around town that night... Then take a look at whose on the last leg of the "Revival Tour".

Anymore and I'd just be giving it away.

Andrew said...

i don't even care about palin. i haven't really aknowledged her presence on the campaign, but I haven't ignored it either. The real tick is mccain. That guy is going to set this country back hundreds of years. And when I say that I mean if this economic situation keeps up pretty soon the United States is going to be owned by another country. They're selling off all our major industries.

matisfatt said...

this post is great, and i agree 100%, except, i'm a little disappointed no one has commented on the tits sarah palin is packin'. I mean come on, whether they're red or blue, nothing screams america like a big 'ol pair of titties. GOD BLESS 'MERICA!

Kira said...

peep this:



http://sarahpalin.typepad.com/

Some Young Guy said...

ooooh senor kelly. i don't read blogs because it's usually people talking about how they "feel today" for 15 paragraphs. that's why i read bad sandwich chronicles.

CasiAnna said...

these are all reasons why i don't follow the 2 party system...plus i live in MPLS so my GOD was the last week hell...damn RNC brought shitty weather and no good bars were open untill 4am...but i digress...on to the task at hand...i pose this inquiry to you mr. kelly... what do you feel is the difference between an "alcoholic" and a "functioning alcoholic"??? i've never gotten an answer to this question that i agree with because i have been called both on serveral occasions...with that said...

Cheers!!!

janeharas said...

happy birthday ya old fart.
-SJ

tonedeff said...

happy birthday BK!