Wednesday, October 29, 2008

did you see the toe on that camel?

Hey, what are you doing today? Me? Well, firstly, I’m gonna go vote early and help get that black guy elected. Also, I’m gonna vote for all the communist judges. Then I’m going to go eat a wild boar burger with my wife and a buddy who’s visiting from out of town. THEN I’m going to run some sort of errand which currently escapes me…(we’re all up on felch tubing…so that’s not it) and then I’m going to go to my writing class and watch people read my skit which is about, in essence, the differences between men and women. Nah, that’s not quite right. It’s about how men act and how women react to them.
Are you a woman? Are you ugly? Do you think that having a nice pair of tits/ass/stomach something like that is enough to get you attention? Because (and I’m sure this is just shocking to everyone) it sure is. Men are so good at reducing women to one part that sometimes it really works out in their favor. To translate this into alternate gender terms, your tits are like our personalities. They override everything negative and become the actual summation of what we think of you. I’m using the royal ‘we’ here…no, that’s not right, either. The royal we is really saying ‘we’ in the place of ‘I’. I guess, what’s the opposite of that? I’m using the peasant ‘we’ which means ‘men, but not me specifically’ and I’m also using tits as a sort of holding spot for whatever it is that whatever man we’re talking about is fetishizing on you. So it could be your ass or your hair or your legs or your feet or that space between your pussy and your asshole (the cobra). Whatever, you’ve got the one thing, whatever it is, you’ll do. For men, it’s the same way. All you need is that one thing women want, and you’ll do. The difference here is that it’s always the same thing and it has nothing to do with your looks. You can have the greatest hair and the sweetest abs at the whole pool and if you’re walking around like some sort of insecure preening flamingo, it’s not gonna work. All you need, (and I know I’ve said this before, but it really bears repeating) is confidence. I mention this because I got a lot of advice questions yesterday from young men who are trying to wow chicks who already have dudes. I got four of these, about this same problem. “I like this chick, and I’ve kind of been trying to swoop in, but someone out swooped me.” And then there’s one dude who’s just got a handholding thing going on. He likes a chick and all she wants to do is hold his hand. Will they ever bang? Maybe, but not as long as he keeps up the hand holding. You need to reset her idea of you, and that’s gonna involve a little separation. You know how chicks always say “if you suck his dick and don’t ask for a commitment, why’s he gonna commit? That’s the only thing he wants anyway.” It’s the same thing for chicks but with handholding and cuddling and shit like that. You’re listening to stories about her coworkers and her day but she’s not fucking you? Why’s she gonna buy the cow? She’s getting the milk for free! That’s essentially the female equivalent of giving you a booty call. (And ladies, yes. I’m acutely aware that plenty of girls just want to bang, and plenty of girls put out regular booty calls and all that. You know what I mean. Stop being so fucking sensitive. Sheesh)
I was at this café once, and I was jiggling my baby around to keep him happy, and I look up and there are these two women, mid thirties, looking at me with the same eyes that dudes look at sluttily dressed chicks in bars with. That’s when it hit me. Guys want to get sucked off in the bathroom, and girls want someone to jiggle their babies around and shit. It’s the trade. You suck some dick he jiggles some babies, everyone is kind of happy. Then you die.
Okay, so I’m way WAY off target here today. SO, for the guy who’s doing the handholding, get the fuck out of that situation if you EVER want to bang this girl. It’s the ONLY way. Women know within seconds of meeting you if they’d ever fuck you. You need to essentially meet her again, because, and I promise, when the time comes that she’s ‘over her ex’ or whatever, it’s gonna take her about 45 seconds before she’s naked, and that could be any minute with pretty much anyone. It’s just the way the confidence gets exuded.
To you other dudes: Have some confidence. Yeah, it’s shitty to horn in on another dudes girl, no matter what. You know that. You don’t need anyone to tell you that. Of course it’s shitty. That being said, go for it. Here’s what will happen: A) she likes you, dumps your buddy, then the two of you bang and you and your friend aren’t friends until you and the girl break up or B) she’s not interested in you and you look like a creep or C) you sit around and act like a total pussy crying about your friend’s girlfriend and actually BECOME a total creep OR and I would encourage this one D) forget it, find another chick. There are lots of good looking, fun people out there. I promise, your friend is gonna end up broken up with her before too long, and then there you go…you’ll have your chance, but don’t wait for it. That’s pathetic. SO pathetic. That’s…eew. (Women claim they like this sort of behavior, but that’s not true. That’s why there are so many pussified shy dildos out there never getting laid. Women hate these guys, but they say shit like “I like sensitive quiet guys.” Then the guy goes “hey, I can do that! That’s easier than being confident.” Then he’s all fucking broken up when he realizes he hasn’t gotten as much as a rough-tug handjob in 6 years. It’s not his fault, he was fed faulty information. Poor, pussified dildo of a dude.)
Whatever, it’s a rough world out there. If your friend is doing what she likes, boyfriend wise, you don’t stand a chance. My guess for all of you: Sounds like you need a little more confidence. You know that friend of yours who scored the chick? What would he do? There.
I’m going to Florida tomorrow. It’s going to be packed with fat guys with beards and severe black tattoos. It’s also going to be Halloween and I have no costume as of right now. Some of my great costumes from the past have been Gerardo (the Rico Suave dude), Hitler on vacation, the Blue Man Group, Andrew WK, one year me and my wife were pregnant hillbilly brother sister husband wives…what was I last year? OH! Britney spears. It was in San Antonio and probably the most revolting costume I’ve ever worn.
I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to write in this tomorrow. I’ve got a fairly early plane to catch. Maybe I’ll write later on today just so there can be something. DON’T read it today though. Be cats, not dogs.

14 comments:

Candice said...

i strongly recommend www.ratemycameltoe.com

the only more entertaining website than that one is this one.

and what about you brendan- are you a tits or ass or cobra man?

Joe Costa said...

Well thanks Brendan. I appreciate your very to the point advice.

For the record, I would not have asked knowing that 10 kids behind me all decided to bombard you with chick questions.

I do have a legit question though not involving a vasheesh. I was supposed to have a job bartending set up at that one Irish pub I was telling you about, but one thing lead to another and it fell through. How'd you end up bartending anyway? Can't wait to see all you dudes on Saturday.

sauliosBJ123 said...

my friend went to ratemy... sites all day in computers class back in middle school. Then, one day, he went to ratemyvagina (and maybe it was blocked, if it was, he went to it again later at someone's house) and it was a picture of a fairly ugly chick...and then you scrolled down and she had a penis. We tricked multiple friends and the conversation always went


Us: Dude, check out this chick, she's so hot...


Them: not really...


Us: Yeah, but wait until you see her vagina...


It never really worked, but that site was just a really big picture of a different daily chick with a dick.

P.S Don't Write said...

So... BK... There's this dude I know, he's pretty great. I like him a lot, but we've only really talked once face-to-face, but we get on really well, and have a whole bunch in common. His friend sort of cockblocked him in the worst way (he stood in the middle of a crowded room, yelling at me about how the dude didn't want to sleep with me etc. and I should just fuck off) and yeah. It's kinda awkward now. IDK. We talk online and stuff and I really, really, really like him. He's a great guy, but how do I make it less awkward?

All I really want is to be able to actually talk to him and hang out without it feeling weird. If anything else develops after that, it'd be great, but if not, being friends with him would also be awesome. Any tips on how to make it a lot less embarrassing to be with him? All I can think about when I see him is how much of a jerk his friend was and how painful it was to be on the receiving end of that jerkdom. He hasn't even said anything about how his friend treated me, which kinda burns.

Have fun at the Fest. I wish I were going. :(

Sickie27 said...

You should stop by metro-Atlanta on the way to Florida to pick me up. I weigh like 95 pounds and smell nice, I won't be a bother!

alkalinepunk13 said...

Thanks BK. You opened my eyes and I see how lame I was. I think I'm gonna go with the just forget about it method. I think If I went for it I might just come off as a creep and a jerk. I beleive he's moving away soon anyway so she'll be lonely in time.
Now it's time to be confident for once and score some chicks! Thanks man

alkalinepunk13 said...

oh yeah and i think the only thing my friend did that i didn't was have a good paying job and buy her shit! i didn't even think money was an issue with her. i guess i didn't stand a chance to that one.

Mikey said...

i'd love to see the hitler on vacation costume.

ok, so i have a question for you brendan. your band(s) is pretty much my favourite (sorry if that pisses you off...i'm canadian and for some reason we have added a letter...blame whoever did that, not me) in the whole wide world.

so anyways, i've noticed a certain trend when casually playing your songs on me bass. it goes something like

(a) 3 (e) 3 (e) 1 with the odd (e) 5 thrown in.

which i love. and i find that whenever i sit down to write my own song i feel like i'm copying you guys. at that point i don't want to feel like i'm completely ripping you off so i put the bass down even though it's just that the lawrence arms a huge influence for me.

so i wanted to ask if you if you minded if i sorta ripped you off with my own little spin on it. ha. it'll help me feel a lot less guilty if you say yes.

or, if you say no that's cool too.

either way, it would help me sleep at night if you could answer.

thanks.

AOVM said...

i ahve to go to work for halloween and dont know what to wear , help me BK!

martin* said...

Bloody brilliant

One of your best in awhile sir

matisfatt said...

i think i speak for bsc community when i say i'd love to see some pics of these costumes posted.

P.S Don't Write said...

http://i37.tinypic.com/292r6ub.jpg
Brendan Spears

Eric said...

I live in Gainesville and I think I saw Floyd from Fat at the mall yesterday. I burned a fucking hole through him as I passed by, trying to figure out "why the hell does this dude look so familiar?"

And to "mikey" with the comments about basslines. Dude...every band in the world uses those progressions. They're the easiest ones to put catchy, simple melodies to. Don't worry about ripping off the Arms because they ripped them off from bands who ripped them off from other bands and so on. Those progressions have been ripped off to the point where you technically can't rip them off any more. They're public property now, I assure you.

Daniel said...

"i'm canadian and for some reason we have added a letter...blame whoever did that, not me"

cringe