Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Show tonight, mofuckerz!

Aw yeah. Big day. Tuesday. I’m playing a show tonight with Blag from the Dwarves at the Debonair social club in Chicago. That’s in Wicker Park, people. Just south of North Avenue on Milwaukee. What time? Huh. Good question. I have no fucking idea. I figure I’m just gonna show up around dinner time and see what’s poppin off (an urban phrase which loosely translates as “examine the itinerary at [location x], and also see if there are any spontaneous happenings of interest occurring”). I honestly have no idea what to expect. If it’s me, Blag and a couple of Dwarves fans and some coked up club skanks in tube tops, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m pretty positive it’s a 21+ show, so there’s that. Also, I’m pretty sure I play before Blag, but again, I don’t really know what to expect. It’s his show, so I figure he’ll be headlining, but you never know. I mean, shit, just recently the Queers tried to make Teenage Bottlerocket play after them at a south by southwest showcase (that is, for those of you who don’t know, totally ridiculous)…you can’t trust that older generation of punk rockers, man. So, I’m coming armed with a switchblade, a comb and uh…dude. I don’t know. This is more thinking than any of us should ever have to do about a dumb acoustic show featuring dudes who don’t usually play acoustic taking place at a club that has foam parties. Just show up, kay? The more of you that show up, the better I’ll play.
My baby got super high last night and as a result, he slept in until 815 this morning and when he woke up, he was like “man, what happened?’
Nah. Just kidding. He doesn’t get high. Well, he gets pretty excited when you give him a piece of bread or a banana or a cup of water, but it’s really not ‘getting high’ per se, you know? Yeah, he’s just tired because he was up late night before last. Point being, um, he’s throwing off my schedule…erm, uh…Okay, that’s dull too. One more try…Here goes:
Different types of people that are in the world:
People who know what’s best for you:
THESE fucking people, man. They’re everywhere and they’re usually pretty hard to deal with. If you’ve seen the movie Magnolia, the John C Riley cop character is a great example of this type of person. In any given situation, he’s got a didactic little suggestion that would really be beneficial that he’d like to suggest. These people come in three major forms: parents, cops and bosses. Now, not all parents, cops or bosses are like this, but the second two (cops and bosses) are the types of jobs that tend to attract people like this and the first one is sort of different. Parents can be cool parents that grow to be friendly with their children, or they can be didactic nagging shits from the second the child is born until the moment that they (the parent, hopefully) die. Yes, there is a point when ALL parents say things like “Hey dummy, you CANNOT do that! It’s dangerous/stupid/dangerously stupid” but theres a massive difference between giving someone guidance and laying down stupid cop-like arbitrary directives based on taste/opinion.
(okay, let’s just get this out of the way now. Yes, parents should be reasonably allowed to impose their taste on their kids and yes, every parent probably gets overzealous and didactic at times and YES it IS the job of the parent to be the person who sets the rules and parameters and NO I am not purporting to know everything there is to know about parenting…fuck, man, My kid is 1. I know nothing. I don’t know which kind of a parent I even am, [I think that’s the kind of reflexivity that people are rarely privy to in their lives]. AND finally, you know what I’m talking about, you assholes. Think about how cool your parents are, and how you like them and you want to hang out with them all the time. Now think of your best friend’s parents. Notice that they’re not as much fun to be around? It’s not a difference in the quality of parenting. You and your friend turned out relatively similar. It’s that your parents were people who guided you through life and your best friend’s parents were know it all pricks. It’s not necessarily wrong, it’s just fucking irritating.)
Cops pull this kind of shit a lot. Pulled over for a broken light? They’ll also tell you that your music is a little too loud, or that you should know better than not to have an updated city sticker, or mention that your ashtray is too full, and anyway, you really shouldn’t smoke. It’ll kill ya, you know.
Bosses who always need to get the last word in, or lecture or shame employees for honest mistakes make up the final third of this category and I don’t even feel the need to go into this one, because EVERYONE knows this fucking boss.
I guess that’s really the thing, people who know what’s best for you tend to place a moral emphasis on every decision. Every thing you do wrong carries a hint of shame and everything that they explain to you that should be done their way comes with a righteous authority. It’s fucking irritating beyond belief. This is a close cousin to “judgmental cocksucker” who is probably my least favorite guy on the planet, and who will be addressed soon in this space. Suffice it to say, ‘people who know what’s best for you’ get the thumbs down from me in a big way.
Jesus, just writing about these people gets me sweaty with rage. Let’s write about a good type of person, just to clean the palate a little and end on a happy note.

People who love to give blowjobs: These selfless angels will stop at nothing to make your day. Some people of note who fit this category include Maya Angelou, Lindsay Lohan, Ted Haggard and Tom Cruise.
See you tonight.


Manny Los Gatos said...

I have to say I'm a little perturbed about the show. I'm old, and I was all set to go to the show tomorrow (Wednesday) night. I even got some of my old homies involved. Then it gets switched to tonight. Now I gotta scramble, tell all my homies, and they have to reschedule their colonoscopys in order to attend the show. What is with the venue? I went on their website and it had a bunch of random fliers from like last year. Then I go on their myspace page and they have some messed up flyer on there. Do they purposely mispell bands and blow people's names? Is this some kind of new trend? I've been doing this for years, but it's because I'm old and my brain cells don't work anymore. So I guess I should be happy that I'm ahead of the curve.

Andrew said...

i think religious zealots should be added to this category. i'm sick of my religious friends telling me i'm going to hell

planespotting said...

At the end of your post, the formatting put "Ted" at the end of a line break, and for some reason, in my mind, my brain said "I hope it's Ted Danson."

I must think Ted Danson loves to give beejs for some reason. I could actually feel dissapointment in my heart of hearts when I read it to say "Ted Haggard."

FAskies said...

I agree with andrew, i get fuckin catholics who dont even blindly follow their laws or ritual shit telling me that im gonna go to their imaginary place of fire and doom cause i dont follow their douchebag of an imaginary friend.

Nina said...

the flier for the show calls you Bradley, which is ridiculously adorable.

Anonymous said...

Dude, seriously. I have believed for years that girls who actively enjoy giving blowjobs are like, touched by an angel or something. God bless their slutty little hearts, each and every one of them. More than one chick has asked me what constitutes a good blowjob, and I have told them all, "Do it like you love it. If you don't like sucking dick, either learn to pretend you do or don't bother."

Tony said...

WHERE are the folk who promised the recordings?! Showoffs.

Keri said...

you forgot about the 21 year old girl travelling from uptown to see a guy who doesn't usually play acoustic play an acoustic show. if the crowd sucks, i'll buy you a drink (or more) and you'll play as if the place is packed.

Mikey said...

k, at this point the dude with the audio is just being a dick. lol

Mikey said...

also, i was wondering if i could get some advice brendan.


that would be my band. i'm sorta new at the whole making music stuff. so you're pretty much right up there at the top of the list when it comes to musicians I really admire. I'd love to get some feedback from you and advice on how to make it sound less like garbage.

and i realize you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking "no way am I listening to some shitty kid's band".

Ryan said...

I wish I could see Bradley Kelly in concert too.

john said...

hey! just wanted to say i had a great time at your show last night! i introduced myself awkwardly before your set at the bar. it was a real special night and i hope theres more where that came from! - john

myassisapipebomb said...

i know you're a fan of cracked, like everyone should be. well i just read this here article before going to class and it made me rofl pretty intensely. i hope everyone reads it.

Anonymous said...

Bradley, last night was super fun and I LOVED loved the new song you played, not the last one you played, but the one about getting drunk at your friend's wedding. Love it.

p.s. if I had known you were planning on busting out any Broadways songs i would have asked for One Man Board of Directors! :D