Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I cut more limes than Sarahara Oh. Wait...that can't be right.

Greetings you creepy jizz enthusiasts. My lord. It’s like it was the elephant in the room or something…One person finally mentions jizz overtly and suddenly it’s like a thirteen year old boy’s sock drawer in the comments section, as in, there’s jizz peppered into almost everything. Who knew? I mean, yeah, for sure, I get it. Jizz is the uh…main jam (pun intended) that makes the race carry on and it also indicates a successful blowjob or boobjob or butt or vagina job has been performed, and we all know guys are, for the most part, obsessed with their wangs and everything wang oriented, so yeah. It’s a rich topic, for sure, but wow. You guys are obsessed. But hey, that’s great. Any story involving semen is at least a little bit interesting. That’s why it’s so commonly sprayed around crime scenes in those police procedural shows. Yup. Semen, or Jizz, as it’s sometimes known, is to police procedurals what a big, bombastic chorus is to a Rise Against song: You pretty much need it in every one, and it’s the part you’ll wake up in the night thinking about.
Okay, I’m gonna leave all the talk of gargling jizz and wayward jizz to you guys for the remainder of the day…Lord knows I’d hate to step on any toes down there in the Sock Drawer (which is, if you didn’t know, the unofficial name of the comments section here at BSC), but let me end my prepared statement on jizz and jizz related activities by commenting on “drew”s comment yesterday. Drew, like so many of the rest of us engaged in a ‘whack off competition’ with a few buddies right there in his classroom under his desk in the sixth grade, and in a twist, he was caught and reprimanded.
This is, my man, SO very, very, very, very odd. That’s uh, I wouldn’t say sociopathic, because you were in sixth grade, but dude! Really? Fuuuuuuuuuuck. I mean, I’m no prude. I’ve played shows naked before, I’ve stood naked on the street and high fived cars driving by when the bulls won the NBA finals, and I’ve never EVER thought of doing anything like that. Also, it’s just a wee bit gay, which is really neither here nor there, by the way. Just saying, there is no situation where a bunch of dudes are whacking off while simultaneously thinking about other dudes whacking off (which is, just so we’re clear, what was happening…it was a CONTEST after all…that entails keeping tabs on one’s competition) does not constitute gay behavior. Now, again, because people are sensitive/stupid whatever….that’s cool. The gay part, at least, I have NO problem with at all. (I’m just more curious if you consider it gay as well, because, well, it is. It’s gay. But lots of dudes who do the whole ‘circle jerk’ thing tend to swear up and down that there’s nothing gay about it…Which is funny, and I don’t think I need to explain why) The rest, though…man, not really a fan. I mean, no two ways about it, if you were doing it as an overtly gay, overtly offensive completely disgusting way of brutally scarring a roomful of people, well, I gotta hand it to you, I bet you nailed it.
But hey, sixth grade, right? That’s just kids being kids or something…I dunno. I guess maybe I am a prude. I just hope I never have to have the talk with my kid about why public masturbation is for park district bathrooms and not the classroom.
Okay, enough about penises.
Now I’m gonna talk about music, my surrogate penis. Firstly, the song I started yesterday is now finished. It’s called “Inglorious Decay” which I think is a pretty metal title for a song that mentions Wild Turkey by name. I think it’s good, but you never really know until you lay down a demo or practice it, so we’ll see…Also, our show at the Metro was announced, and honestly, I had no idea it was even booked until I saw it listed on Metro’s website. It’s our ten year anniversary show, and it marks our third consecutive October show in Chicago, which I’m looking forward to immensely. As I mentioned before, there’s gonna be a lot of awesome pomp and circumstance surrounding the show, including giveaways and a chance for you all to vote on what songs you want to hear. This isn’t set up yet, so don’t bother telling me your choices now, but it’s gonna generally work like this: We’re gonna set up an email addy and you can send in your votes and after the top three requests, the top, I dunno, four songs from each record will get played…something like that. That’s only for the Chicago date that we’re doing that. And yes, that means that there will be more dates. Nothing huge, but things are stirring down at team Lawrence Arms. As of now there are six(?) new songs. Maybe seven already…I say that as though it hasn’t been three years. Hey, I have a life beyond just crapping out cheesy jams about barfing and loving each other despite our flaws, you know? I also have to wipe baby asses, keep up with what’s hot in the porn industry and serve burgers to mongaloid ex fratboys. Oh, and write about jizz. Can’t forget that.

38 comments:

Bobby from The Hallow said...

Porn industry news.......

Blue Iris died.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

I was going to comment yesterday, but after reading the comments all I could think was jizz things - which seemed like it had already been done.

Anyway, I've some times wondered what people would do with the whole public masturbation thing. I'm a calm guy, so if all of a sudden I whipped it out, I can't even imagine their reaction. Anyway, still never thought of it in the sense of "I should do this". I say good for Drew for following his dream.

Some Young Guy said...

brendan, why do you think porn is such a popular thing?

do you think it will ever be replaced by something better, like, i dunno, actual fucking?

isn't fucking an actual person WAY better than porn?

or are they satisfying in different ways?

if you could fuck an actual person with as much convenience as typing in tube8.com into your browser do you think porn would be necessary?

why would someone drop a couple thousand bucks on a computer to watch riley mason fuck another dude with all the enthusiasm of Chris Hannah at a pig picking, when they could just put in the hours and fuck an ACTUAL bored whore?

Scott said...

it is pretty relaxing to take care of my jizzing outside in a chair in the sun...so refreshing...

as an example of what a music dork i am i just set a calendar reminder to go off and remind me to get tickets to the show this weekend

Fletch said...

Brendan,whats your thoughts on 3D pornos? Anyone seen that shit yet?

Matt Ramone said...

Speaking of porn, for my birthday the girl is letting me fulfill a dream of mine - I'm driving down to NC to have sex with retired porn star Riley Mason! Stoked.

Bobby from The Hallow said...

that rules Matt, you just missed Amy Reid and Jenaveve Jolie if you live in Chicago. They were doing personal "appointments" for almost the whole month of April.

Justin said...

When I was in grade seven, math class mind you, there were a set of twins sitting in front of me. Carrie and Catherine we'll call them; I like alliteration. One day, both just happened to have low slung trousers which produced a phenomena similar to muffin topping, but instead of flab popping above your belt line, we had full on butt exposure. Now, for a kid living in working class Ireland, this is like Christmas and Easter all rolled into one. Boyo, did I ever go to town in class. I beat with the fury of an enraged animal. Probably one of the best times I've ever had cumming on my lonesome. My mate Corey sat next to me and never mentioned it, so I think I came out clean- save for the stain my trousers mind you. Oddly enough, not into the exhibitionism now as a nearly 30 year old bloke. I think I dodged a bullet there. Though I did have sex at a construction site once after they were finished for the day. That experience wasn't so great.

monkeyman8889 said...

I miss the never ending quest to define all people.

(I realize its been a few days, but I read this daily)

Buddy said...

That Hoopz (from flavour of love, i love money fame)porn looks interesting...I'd think she'd probably look good with some balls on her jaws or a dick in her ass or something.

Samuel said...

I hope there is no LA show in the works. I am really looking forward to a road trip to Chicago this fall.

Stizzy said...

I'm going to get to the ten year anniversary show by any means. If I have to sell a gallon of jizz then so be it. (I had to work jizz into the comment somehow, I mean c'mon, someone has got to beat that horse into the ground and it might as well be me)

Bob-a-Loo said...

Beex,Whaddaya think of these Blackhawks?The city's pretty up in arms over these guys.I ask because the whole hockey camp thing.Oh by the way....my cock is named Wang Chung.

wilddanimal said...

Aw man. I want to go to the anniversary show. Damn my being poor and Californian, so I cannot flit off to Chicago for a weekend.

kylewagoner said...

Awesome way to go about doing a set list. Alkaline Trio's set list was like intense in that the only single was Burn and I guess I Found Away is going to be a single very soon, but still. It was fucking badass and they played Cringe and Cooking Wine and fucking OPENED with My Friend Peter. What the fuck, right? It's awesome that you can be that under the radar of complete mainstream yet play any songs off of any record they've ever made and everyone at any venue they go to will know all of the words. That in mind, you guys should come out to the East Coast. Preferably West Virginia, not that there's anywhere to play here. How about Frostburg, Maryland? It'll be like a date. My band will open for you. It'll be fun. We'll then go buy drinks and I won't drink any because I'm 17 and still straightedge and all, but what the hell, right? Matt and Dan coming soon! I'm building this up as if it's a big deal when it's really not and it's going to be disappointing...

love,
Kyle

Sean said...

"stizzy" rhymes with...

Stizzy said...

...fo shizzy?

doghouse122 said...

Why the Split with Shady View Terrace? They're so bad. seriously.

Bridgett said...

You should definitely do a show in Milwaukee. Definitely. The reason I say this is because my work only lets me off one Saturday a month, and I have to take the 1st one off for a wedding. Unless you can call my boss and tell her I need to not work. You should do that though. Call my boss. Or come to my work. That would be sweet. Need a car? I'll totally sell you one. If you tell my boss I need that day off. That would be bitchin'.

Robb said...

Gracias for another glimpse into the psyche of Hennessy. A real walking chinese puzzle box.

In keeping with recent efforts to shake up bsc, I thought a little subversive social experiment might be fun. Demanding full participation on both ends, it would ultimately strengthen the author/reader bond.

1)You copy and re-post a previous blog entry (previous day's or a few days back), verbatim. Zero acknowledgement.

2) We all follow suit and copy/paste our comments from the first go around. Again, total deadpan. Preferably in the same order. We all agree to collectively ignore any stray remarks from confused/cross readers.

See, there are at least eleven people that don't read the comments, and it is these souls whom would be the target of this one-day mindfuck. Just mull it over.

Big fun, if only for me.

Candice said...

i hope neil is ready to sing 106 south because that's what i'll be voting for.

PIXI said...

3D porn?? I've never even heard of that! You could be on to something, Fletch. This could be HUGE! Wow! I have so many ideas running through my head right now. Thanks, now how am I supposed to get any work done?

bk said...

Forget Wild Turkey. You need songs that reference Old Crow: the maple syrup of whiskey.

Fletch said...

Pixi. .i either read it or dreamt it,im still trying to figure that one out! Ha!

Ryan said...

Brendan, long time reader first time writer. Looking forward to said 10th anniversary show. On to my question I guess, I'm from Chicago (I guess that doesn't really matter) anyways I'm gonna be in London for a few days by myself later this week and looking for some good ideas of must do's over there. Let me know if you got any good ones. Thanks.

Brandi said...

Robb, you have a fantastic beard. I'm slightly jealous that I'm not a man.

sheila said...

Kyle(wagoner),

Crazy small-ass world - I graduated from FSU in 07. And I totally agree with you on several points, including the phenomenal Alkaline Trio setlist and the fact that BK should hit up Frostburg, MD. Only in the summertime, though!

Dave hofer said...

Am I the only one that noticed the bastardized Beastie Boys lyric?

Or am I just insane?

Tony said...

So the Fat Wreck 7" must be a real looming possibility now?! Perhaps even an EP!?

3 wisdom teeth said...

so, in attempt to brag/throw a good friend under the bus....

in college (not 6th or 7th grade) my friend shane had to abruptly go to the bathroom in college algebra to throw his underwear in the trash cuz he had just beat it under his desk! through his pocket...dunno, i was impressed.

also, when we were in high school working at fast food chinese place in the mall...shane asked to go to the restroom real quik, boss said no, shane smiled and said ok. 5 minuts later hes cracking up cutting vegetables while piss is running down his pants, across his shoe and onto the floor. still working, the boss in disbelief let shane go from his job!

anyhoo, i watch porn and i believe people watch porn for variety of reasons. different looks, styles, girls, and because its awesome, helps you jizz, makes you more numb to standard sex, basically leaving you in a situation where in order to stay hard with ur loved one u need her/him to wear wigs, fist themselves while they call you donny from the backstreet boys, shit in their hand and finger their shit into your asshole....you know, stuff your parents do after church.

everyone on average is about 30% gay. if ur into circle jerks u r about 45% gay...so dont worry circle jerkers, carry on.

Seagull Steve said...

Whoa. Jacking off in class? The only dude who got caught in my high school was thoroughly persecuted, and was thereafter known by all as "the dude who jacked off in class". I think he tried to touch some girl while doing it too. Fucking creepy if you ask me, although, looking back on it, also humorous. To a degree. In Jizz-related developments.....it was only last year when I pulled out on a girl for the $$$ shot, and instead of wiping it off or waiting for me to do it, she just rubbed it all over herself like some grade-A moisturizer (which it may well be) and then passed out. At that moment, I realized she was beautiful.

Candice said...

shane needs a psych consult. stat.

kylewagoner said...

Here's the motherfucker at last. Sure, it's midnight in West Virginia at all, but this is when I got it. http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/92/l_afb450f19d8c4d929f4a8ed0726de6d7.jpg

drew said...

definitely gay... no two ways about it.


..BUT, there is a but, a little nuance i forgot to include yesterday was the teacher was hot as shit, which is where the whole idea of a competition emerged out of.

but to answer the question without some bullshit, machismo exoneration... DEFINITELY GAY. But then again, i also got suspended in 7th grade for my current girlfriend at the time trying to give me a beej in a school bathroom stall. There must have been something about a school and pecker dynamic that really spoke to me in that juncture of my life.

In my defense without sounding like a complete sociopath, it was her idea, and i wasn't going to be the dude to pass up a blow job in 7th grade. So ya that essentially became my claim to fame in the small town i grew up in. Every single kid's house i went over to, there parents always knew my name and my story of being a pubescent sex fiend... now if only they heard the additional 6th grade story... man.

Anyways, i did a lot of stupid shit way too early in my life, but in high school i was always the kid who never drank because i was getting fucked up with my older friends back when those same kids were playing recreational basketball games at church youth group. Now I am in twenty and have been in a relationship for five years. I don't know about you but I'll take a blow job over god any day... at least one of them is real!

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

To get in the spirit of "3 wisdom teeth": there was a kid in my pre-calc that, one day, everyone started saying got suspended for masturbating in the bathrooms. He wasn't there that day and apparently hadn't been there for a few days - at least according to the people that said he masturbated in the bathroom. Then, it just got weirder and weirder. I kind of felt bad since it sounded like a rumor that was just crippling what little chance of a social life the kid had, so then my friend told me that people continuously see him leaving the bathroom with a huge grin on his face. Then my friend said that the kid would start tugging himself in class with his coat on his lap - and apparently did it to "My Fair Lady" in an English class once. Then, another friend said he over heard the pre-calc teacher ask the kid why he had been skipping her class and he told her he had been suspended and she asked him why and he started trailing off avoiding the question. Either that kid was really fucked up or people were desperate to hold onto the idea of him as a massive pervert.

And another story: my friend, Junior year of high school, would continuously leave on half-hour bathroom trips to go meet up with his friends and smoke weed in the park (because the class was in a portable). Anyway, the teacher obviously didn't like this and, while she never knew what he was doing, would try to bust him for not being in the bathroom. Then, near the very end of the year, he asked to go to the bathroom and she simply wouldn't let him and he got up during the lecture and got a pitcher from the back of the room (science class). At this point she was just ignoring him, and he went back to his seat and, sitting down with shorts on, peed for about 3 minutes and filled the pitcher about 1/8 of the way.

Kyle Milton said...

play that song about drinking!

Justin said...

I'm calling bullshit Matt. There's no way Riley is fully retired.

Matt Ramone said...

Justin, I present the following facts:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riley_Mason

http://rileymason.escortsite.com/