Friday, May 8, 2009

the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout

Quickly, my little dogs of war…there’s almost no time. I have to get on my bike and ride about six miles to my job in just a moment. Yesterday a beautiful thing happened here. Someone out there, one of the millions of you reading this thing offered up some info that created a level of discourse that brought all of us together and share stories…Some that were quite awesome, and THAT makes this like a little reality show of a blog, doesn’t it? Not like in the sense of the Bachelor, but more in the sense of the sort of reality programming pioneered by Howard stern, where the show IS actually the interworkings of the show and the audience’s input. It’s all very meta. This is a bold new threshold of blogging entertainment everyone….It’s multifaceted. There’s the front page here, where I’ll regale you with hilarious stories of Chris and I getting so drunk in an irish themed bar in germany that chris crawled into the bathroom and passed out while throwing up and our friend Mike set himself on fire and I fell off my barstool. That’s a great level, right? Then, we’ll get chris and/or mike to leave comments regarding their takes on the whole thing which in turn should lead to a level of discourse amongst yourselves which I, in turn react to thereby perpetually propelling this entertainment cycle. Does that sound cool? Good.
I bring up this dull structural analysis of how this (well, ALL OF US, actually) could be on the verge of an incredible new format for one simple reason: It’s Friday. On Fridays, no one goes on the internet. You know why? They’re out at bars with patios drinking margaritas and chocotinis and sending back their veggie subs because they didn’t know the fucking thing came with cucumbers and generally pissing off the bartender. They’re trying to get all their work done that they’ve blown off all week by surfing guesshermuff, textsfromlastnight, thisiswhyyourefat, spoiledphotos and of course badsandwichchronicles and so now, like a day of confession, or the day your girlfriend gets home from a week out of town, they’re running around frantically trying to get everything in order, finish all the dishes, get the smell of random vaginas off your balls etc.
Yeah, Friday. It’s cool. I make money on Fridays, and I plan on making a lot today, although I’m gonna have to bust my balls to do it. Still, my point remains. No one goes on the internet on Fridays. If you don’t believe me, look at how much the content drops off. Yahoo’s still running the same stories, young skanks who think they’re famous because of myspace don’t upload any new pictures of their cunts, shit like punknews.org just kind of goes through the motions and puts up the garbage stories from throughout the week about bands you’ve never heard of playing one off shows or recording eps for some label that will fold before it comes time to press something. You get the idea.
It’s a fucking desolate, abandoned city today. As such, fuck it. I’m not gonna try.
No, you know what? I AM gonna try. For you, the last remaining gunslingers out there. I’m going to take what we were talking about before and put it into practice. In the spirit of us all working together to generate the best content that I possibly can with a bunch of semiliterate strangers, here’s what I’m gonna do: reflect on the comment board.
Firstly, the load blower himself made an appearance. He’s as surprised by his newfound celebrity as anyone. Hey bud, word of advice: fame is fleeting. If you’re gonna parlay that chest load into something else (stint on a soap opera, talk show, another load on another chest) you better act fast. Also, the load acceptor wrote in to mention that her profile has been viewed a ton of times since yesterday’s post (‘droppin loads! Edward James Olmos!”) which is def. Understandable, because hey, what’s the next thing that almost everyone is gonna do after they get done reading this? That’s right, head on over to gapingdistendedassholes.com and whack off, and what better way to get in the frame of mind to do such a thing than to get a look at the rack in question here…or at least attempt to find out a little info about the person who surrounds the rack.
Another young lady wrote in to talk about barfing on dicks, and I can relate. I can ABSOLUTELY see myself throwing up while giving a blowjob. In fact, I’m trying to imagine a situation where I’m giving a blowjob and I don’t throw up, and I just can’t. Finally, there’s Candice. Candice has made a bit of a name for herself around here with her outrageously awesome comments since the beginning of this dumb, mustard colored paragraph generator and yesterday was no exception. “Lick the jizz off your tits!” she proclaimed, causing throngs of gentlemen readers to announce (not for the first time) that Candice seems to be, indeed, marriage material.
Here’s my take on the jizz/tit licking of jizz situation. Do whatever you want with it. Once it’s out of me, it’s all yours, and I’m probably already digging around in your fridge for a beer and an ice cream sandwich. So go nuts. Now THAT’S how you write a pun.
Are you fucks brave enough to keep this amazing cycle going? No. It’s Friday. I know how it is…It’s my friend Marcus’s birthday party today, speaking of jizzing on things. He’s asked all his guy friends to all whack off into coffee cups for the past three weeks and just dump it on him when we show up tonight. It’s all he wanted. Hey, sounds cool to me. I mean, it’s free, right? I skipped last Thursday due to a hangover, but otherwise I’m ready. I think I made up for it on Friday. OH! I almost forgot the final one. Gotta go, now I’ve got 2 things to do.
Tooodles!

34 comments:

Matt Ramone said...

I encourage everyone to be polyamorous, because then you can blow loads on many tits/receive a variety of loads on your tits.

And what is life but a merry go round of load blowing?

Robb said...

Since the web is a scary place where intentions are obscured, I deem it necessary to say, 'just kidding, Sickie'. I actually do not doubt at all the legitimacy of your chest load anecdote, and am delighted you've stolen the hearts of BK and his readers alike. Like Smoking Popes, but in a different, better way.

Scott said...

some of us have no choice but to sit in front of a computer on the internet all day Friday...at least I can still read BSC and look like i am working

Blake said...

Need for some quick advice!

Brendan, I need to pick a topic for a research project for my writing class that is due next week. The theme is "Cause and Effect". Though I enjoy writing, I hate picking topics for classes, and would rather them be given to me. All I can think of are environmental issues that I am not too passionate about, and now I am leaving it up you (preferably) or the people reading.

I think I just had breakthrough. How about " The Cause and Effect of a Simple Blog Comment About a Girl Getting Her Tits Jizzed On, and The New Shape of Blogging to Come"?? ...I dunno. I could use some help with this.

Saulio SBJ 123 said...

Damn it, BK, now you've just given me a handful of sites I have to check out (except maybe that distendedasshole one).

Also, I thought everyone should know that this person exists:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k437pkDxriA

kylewagoner said...

I don't have any recent stories to share since I've been without sex for nearly 20 months...but not out of choice, of course. But this one time, and I'm sure this happens to other people, I recieved an umm...blow job in the back of my dad's car while my dad was driving and my brother was in the seat in front of me. That was stealthy, and was on the way home from DC, so it was patriotic, as well.

And oh, Brendan, I got a new computer and every time you post a blog now, it shows up directly on my desktop in some little window. It's pretty cool and convenient. Oh, and I'll send you a picture of Matt and Dan's messages to you when I find the cable to my camera...

sheila said...

i've been a champion of the BSC comment board since day one... (well, day four or five, to be honest) it definitely adds another dimension to your posts, a kind of two for one deal, if you will. not only is your readers' bad sandwich hunger satisfied with your unabashed meanderings in regard to life (yours and/or others), but there is that option at the bottom of each post to click on the comments. i'm sure i'm not alone when i more often than not click with no intention of commenting. slightly voyeuristic, i am aware, but that's what the internet is all about, right?

i am compelled to comment on a comment on occasion, like when that poor guy had to take some kind of pill in order to eat a cheesesteak sandwich or a burger or something like that...i hope you are doing better, guy...and that time i inquired about which cobra skulls release to cut my teeth on...thanks for your response (whoever you are) because now i can't get enough of them! and sure as shit i will be in Brooklyn in July to see them.

and as far as the load blown on the titties is concerned, if you've got nowhere to go for a few hours, simply re-locate it to your face, because it is a wonderful skin treatment!

Nico said...

So Brendan, I also have a problem.

I have the unfortunate situation that I was born in a crappy country, where no cool bands want to tour (though we did get NOFX last year! It was the best night of my life, no jokes, seeing a real band). I have this one band, that my friend and I have loved for about 6 years now. They're named after an apartment building in a city known for being windy. It would pretty much be the new best night of my life if I could get to see those guys live, maybe even meet them, share a whiskey, and tell them what their music has meant to my friend and I. I know this is a modest wish for someone in the USA, but for me it is almost an impossibility, akin to a dream.

So, Brendan, what do you think I should do?

Josh said...

dude you forget that there are those of us who waste time all week surfing the web and don't get any work done and then say "fuck it it's friday i'm not doing shit today" and then just push everything off until monday where we will continue the cycle of wasting time which is why nothing ever gets done and why russia will regain it's status as a super-power after america falls (according to a looney-tunes math prof I had in college) and jesus this is a run-on sentance.

Candice said...

Seeing as how my last relationship just ended in a shit storm, I am open to any and all marriage proposals from men and women alike. However, I am not willing to move to Iowa to make the dyking out legit.

Capt Murdock said...

@ kylewagoner
" I recieved an umm in the back of my dad's car while my dad was driving and my brother was in the seat in front of me."

Can we assume that your mother was the one sitting in the back with you?

Kasey said...

haha Just thought that comment above me was pretty funny. That is all.

Moose said...

So, Candice.... Are you into tall, stocky, bald, drunken, irishman? If so, let's do this. I'm totally a fan of jizzing on things.

PIXI said...

That was a good one, Capt Murdock!

Sickie27 said...

It's quite all right, Robb. There is picture proof floating around somewhere, but I find that an extreme to prove something that I had no idea would blow up. I just thought it was cool shit BK mentioned me. Regardless of the topic.

I'm only 18, but I'm hoping in a few years I can be up to Candice status. And maybe WE will be married.

Also, I believe every day is internet day. Especially when it's bringing people together, sorta.

Tonys_fake_macho_internet_persona said...

The fame doesn't bother me, I just always went out of my way to never kiss and tell cause girls are supposed to have shame or something. This is like finding out all females have giant, veiny, dicks under their clits.

Candice said...

Moose- it's under consideration

Sickie- it would be my pleasure to teach you anything and everything I know.

simmons said...

Candice & Sickie Wedding

All BSC Readers Invited

note: please bring cups of jizz. we will be throwing that instead of rice.

myassisapipebomb said...

i think matt skiba is a closet jugalo. look at his makeup and lame ass attitude over the past...six uears maybe?

this semen talk is getting me so hard right now, i feel like if pat o'brien was a priest watching kids in sunday school...mmm

johnnyorlando said...

and then there are some of us who are unemployed fucktards, reading this at 9pm saying to ourselves "It's Friday?". Or maybe that's just me.

Brian said...

No, I'm with you Johnny.

Unfortunately...

mat is fatt said...

can we just organize some sort of mass BSC convention that will inevitably turn into a raging fuck-fest and culminate in some sort of mass jizzing extravaganza?

HeLLaDaNTe said...

You know.. I sort of worry that this whole "reader interface" thing might distract you from what *really* matters... Dick jokes! Oh wait, no.. still plenty of dick jokes. Carry on sir.


An' hey, has anyone noticed that the colour/layout of BSC is really easy on the eyes? Yup.. Brendan cares.

Daniel said...

Can you write something about The Broadways? Preferably without saying you totally hate that stuff; those two albums will always be very important to me, even though I only got into them in 2007. Yeah, weird. And I do like TLA, etc. so I'm not just being bitter here!

Stizzy said...

I don't know about marriage Candice but a little casual tit jizzing never hurt anyone.

turnitout said...

Saulio SBJ 123 That video made my day. It also horrified me in untold ways.

Candice said...

stop stizzy, you're making me blush

Sylvester Trombone said...

Thanks for The Menzingers recommendation. I'm pretty much too old/busy/lame to continue to search out any bands on my own anymore. Those days ended with free time and Napster in college 7 years ago. Seriously, keep up the shout outs to solid bands. The Cobra Skulls, for example. Amazing. Sorry, I admit I had no clue who the fuck they were but I saw them here in Chicago when they played at The Beat Kitchen. They blew my mind. I feel like The Menzingers' song, "Lilith Avi" isn't their normal style, but fuck, those harmonies are absolutely sick, huh? Also, Tori Lane? Really? What about Cody Lane? Or Lani Lane?

Robb said...

This comment section contained many bests. Best discussion about marriage. Best talk of jizz slinging. Best of all is that it was the same discussion. That's just magic. (Arguably) best Skiba diss, too.

I'm not too picky over this sort of thing, but could we maybe get some more Neil anecdotes in the mix? Guy's such an enigma. Like, that sandwich thing you mentioned kinda offhand. You know, like he doesn't know how to pick out sandwiches, or some shit. Gold. Guy's such an enigma. Happy mother's day.

Stizzy said...

Just convince Chris to get his own blog. Then force fans to side with either Chris or you eventually leading to an every (wo)man for themselves battle royale to decide the fan favorite. Of course "that will inevitably turn into a raging fuck-fest and culminate in some sort of mass jizzing extravaganza" but hey what else would anyone expect

TimeFlies said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stizzy said...

coincidentally "accidentally jizzed inside" was just voted the number one thing 30 year old single moms hate to hear

3 wisdom teeth said...

so when i was 15 i worked at a subway and i had been so busy working and schooling that i had not whipped on my cock for a week! 1 whole week!...unreal, well, i was also sleeping on my friends coach, which made whipping it more difficult, cuz my family lost our house (whole other story)...

so i was sweeping and got blue balls so bad i had to sit down, after sitting in pain i realized there was only one thing to do....whip it!

so ya, i yanked one out in the subway bathroom...pretty awesome...blue balls gone i skated home (sorta home) and slept well.

since, i have never gone more than 2 days without jizzing.

have you guys ever pulled on your whirly bird at work?

please tell in detail so i can stuff this battery in my ass and jerk off to your stories! thx

Fletch said...

A friend of mine told me of a new (maybe) underground craze sweeping graveyards. . Its called MUNGING. Basically,the necro-explorers among us. . Those who serve us at bars,teach our moms and dads sign laungage at the local community centre and doctors who give us antibiotics for swine flu. Its seems some are indulging themselves in the act of Munging. According to my friend,who im convinced is hanging with the wrong people. A group of willing necro-enthusiasts meet late at nite,dig up fresh dead bodies and take them to secret locations. Once,some serious plastic sheeting has been laid.Holes are drilled into the corpse. Each member puts their mouth ova a hole and another steps on the centre of the chest. Body fluids are garggled during group masturbation ( see how i tied in the masturbation thing with the previous jizzing discussions). So yeah. . MUNGING. . When your chic suspiciously leaves in the middle of the nite. . .Pack ya bags. . Leave!