Wednesday, May 27, 2009

with my nuts on your tonsils while you're onstage rapping at your wack ass concert...

Okay, so as promised, here’s my two cents on why coolness is underrated. Everyone always says things like “coolness is overrated” or “being cool is in the eye of the beholder” or “I don’t care about being cool” or whatever. People always eschew the idea of coolness, because, let’s face it, when you’re actively trying to be cool, you’re usually blowing it. It’s like in the Hitchhikers Trilogy, where they talk about how to fly. The secret, it’s said, is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. The only way to achieve this is to, at the key moment where you’re about to hit the ground, completely be thinking about something else. This is the secret to flying and it’s also the secret to coolness. I mean, truly cool people really seem like they don’t give a fuck, right? They just happened to throw themselves at life and didn’t pay attention when they hit, and that’s what makes them cool. That’s what makes you go “man, that guy is great. I love how he just doesn’t give a fuck. It’s like he wakes up, doesn’t fuss over his appearance, just says whatever’s on his mind, but isn’t always trying to impress everyone and run his mouth and he’s super good at (thing X [which could really be something as unimportant as pool or finding out about new bars, or maybe he’s just got a way about him when he smokes]) and yeah…I just think that dude is cool. (side note, I keep getting the smell of burning damp poop wafting through my house. It’s a bit of a bummer, but I really can’t figure out where it’s coming from). Where was I? Oh yes, the seemingly effortless art of coolness. Well, you know what’s coming, right?
Of course…this is all just confidence. Coolness=confidence. And anyone that tells you otherwise is wrong, and they don’t know what they’re talking about, period. AND while people are quick to always extol the virtues of confidence (though not as much as they should) these same people shrug off coolness as though it’s nothing worth achieving.
Wrong. Coolness, vastly underrated and maligned by dumb people like Miley Cyrus who have twisted the pantheon of cool into some sort of bizarre funhouse where you can be simultaneously super duper ultra cool and also a raging dork at the same time, is powerful.
You know what people will do for you if they think you are cool? Anything. You can, and will, do whatever you want. You can get blowjobs, regular jobs, people will give you money, people will laugh at your jokes, you’ll be able to get away with being drunk, obnoxious, introverted, bitchy whatever you want.
Think about it. Most people are NOT cool. That’s what makes most people so fucking impossible to talk to. They’re dorks. Coolness, the effervescent, semi quantifiable manifestation of confidence is alluring like a drug. People want to be around it. That’s why everyone goes nuts for Barack Obama, Eminem, Miles Davis, Madonna, Ray Charles (rip), Slash etc. These motherfuckers are (were) cool as shit, and that naturally draws people to them. You don’t have to agree with my list, but there are enough people out there who let these motherfuckers get away with whatever they want to do that I think my point is taken, yesno?
Remember when suddenly there was a rap feud between Dre and Easy E? Easy made a record called “Dre Killa” and had pictures of him shooting an uzi. Dre came out with a record about weed and on occasion slipped in a line or two about how Easy E liked to fuck little boys. This took two pretty cool guys (dre and E) and propelled them in vastly opposite directions. Easy, appearing way too concerned with Dre, looked like he was desperate to prove how dope he was, rendering him completely uncool. Dre didn’t even let that shit ruffle him. Even in Dre Day (the single off the album in question that dealt with Easy E directly), Easy was just a tiny part of the song. The song was still about Dre. I mean, it was called “DRE DAY” for fucks sake. See the difference between attacking with something called “Dre Killa” and “Dre Day?” They’re both just talking about one of the people in the feud: the cool one. Not the dead one. (RIP)
Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that back on the first NWA record, Easy was BY FAR the coolest guy in the group. Sure, Ice cube was the talent, but Easy was so cool and confident that he didn’t even care at all. He just walked in, did that shit in that “hey hey I’m talkin’ Krusty” kind of offhand style, and went back to drinkin, fuckin, and general wildin. He straight up rapped on his solo record that Cube wrote all his raps. Didn’t even have time for the illusion of being artistic. Unflappable. That’s cool. And again, it’s underrated. Don’t listen to your moms, kids. Being cool IS important. Unless you’re an Asian (subcontinent included) premed student. Then it really doesn’t seem to matter, honestly. Or if you’re a girl, then I think it’s mostly about your cans.

Okay, to get to the Sock Drawer briefly, I was gonna offer advice to the guy who’s parents can no longer afford to cover his college, but check out the drawer, man. This Sheila person nailed it, advice wise. I can’t do any better than that, so I’m just gonna refer you to her.
Um, as for all your friends that know me/lived with me…No. I’ve had, in my entire life, not counting people I am blood related to, five roommates total. That’s in all the places where I actually had a bed. There was a period of time where I was crashing on my friend’s couch, but as he’s vastly more famous than me, I wouldn’t be the roommate in that situation that your buddies would be bragging about living with, were that the apartment in question, so no. And I don’t know the girl from Elgin. I’m from Chicago, not Elgin, so that must have been the other guys in Slapstick that she knew.
I don’t know about any of the rest of these people. I have met lots of folks in my time and lots of them fall into categories like “being named Katie at a bar” so I can offer no more confirmation or denial that way.
And as for all of you who took all this E and nothing happened: Were you drinking? Because booze (in theory) counteracts the effects of E…So yeah, a little sage advice, don’t mix em. Otherwise you may as well just drink beer and snort your money, and eliminate the need for drugs, dealers or breaking the law at all, right?
Um, okey doke…I’m out of here. Stay cool, everyone. I’m going to the museum of holography today with a one year old. Shit, don’t get much cooler than that.
Live long and prosper.
Beliedat.

21 comments:

kylewagoner said...

Eminem is definitely cool. I strongly agree. And yes, so it goes for Ray Charles...

I have cool-keeping problems, I think. It's that goddamn MySpace. You meet a cool girl and hang out with her and then try to follow it up via a MySpace comment and you just fucking ramble and say stupid shit that makes you look like a fucking loser. Happens all the time. I was way more successful back in the day that I didn't give a shit about girls. I've yet to find a place to disagree with you, I think.

love,
Kyle

Capt Murdock said...

Nope sir!

We took the E before we left on the 2.5 hour car ride to the show. The boozin' didn't start until at least 3 hours after we took it.

Either way it was a big waste of money.

Andy said...

i was just reading your blog at work and the phone rang, i said "thankyou for calling bad sand... i mean (insert company name here) how can i help you" fuck. you nearly had your own call center.

Manny Los Gatos said...

You gotsa give props to Eazy fo sheezy. Eazy Duz It rocks yo crib.

Matt Ramone said...

I would love to hear some stories about Danny A.

bert said...

if ther's on thing brendong needs it's his own call center.

to kylewagoner: i totally know the feeling. i send texts where once my phone says "sent" i say "fuck." im usually pretty booze deep at that point.

Sean said...

LOVING the star trek quote...

although I am more of a star wars guy, and always will be... I thought the new Star Trek movie was pretty epic...

what are your guys' thoughts on it?

Hoffa said...

Dude - Eazy-E didn't wait until his solo records, he says on "Straight Outta' Compton," 'Ice Cube writes the rhymes that I say . . .'

wilddanimal said...

Man, what's frustrating is that I have almost mastered that, but not completely. For the most part, I live like I don't give a fuck. I'm kinda scruffy, I'm generally friendly and affable but vulgar and inappropriate. But I'm not totally unflappable. I'm almost cool but not quite.

Candice said...

i'm cool. very cool. i'm willing to give lessons.

Seagull Steve said...

The Dre vs. Eazy-E example was golden.

evita45 said...

Douglas Adam books, white NWA fans and star trek...all dorky, yet cool. :)

tjsprings said...

Man I know I'm not cool at all. I work in an office I'm over weight but I have a decent looking girlfriend and getting laid has to count for something right?

3 wisdom teeth said...

fuck, the coolest person i've seen that comes to mind is Usain Bolt... you fuckin see this guy on the olympics? before the race all the other dudes are stressin out, got their game face on and Usain is pointing at the camera, laughing and fixing his eye brows.

I thought for a second the guy was just arrogant, and he still is, but after he ran faster than any human being ever has before he said something like, "I'm just relaxed mon, even when im running away from the field i'm always relaxin".

it's funny when you witness people who aren't cool (including myself) get a little, tiny bit of attention as if they are cool and then they just go straight to over kill... always entertaining.

3 wisdom teeth said...

oh yeah, almost forgot. went to propaghandi and it was the best show I've been to in a long time...my friend got punched in the throat in the mosh pit and some girl got pissed at us for talking about how it sucks to get punched in the throat...she just kept saying "fuckin get over it! get over it!" i think we had talked about it for 30 seconds after it happened and she chimed in while he was still gasping for air. i didn't respond at all, it was weird to have that kind of confrontation, she was pretty agro about it. can u define these people? what category is she in?

Robb said...

You should have given that little tooshy a swift, firm spank, and said "Get over THAT, sex trash". Next time you'll be ready.

jsin1981 said...

What a great freakin' title!

Stizzy said...

one time at a Lawrence Arms show in Lawrence KS my friends and I were being loud and rowdy between sets when the girl behind us decides to let us know that "they haven't even started playing yet" needless to say that woman will never again receive such a verbal thrashing

bert said...

nice job stizz... hope yr proud of yrself..

Justin said...

isn't throwing up right after you brush your teeth just the fucking worst?

nancy said...

Brendan,

Did you get to the bottom of the poop wafting through? Sometimes I smell poo at my place and I'm convinced the construction men pooped in the drywall and every now and again we can smell it floating in. Then again, you have a baby, and a diaper issue so maybe you solved the mystery.