Tuesday, December 1, 2009

....in a fucking cantilevered goldfish bowl

Greetings assmasks. I’ve been away. You probably know this based on the fact that it’s Wednesday and this is the first update of the week. Well, my grandfather decided to do what everyone already knew he was gonna do and die. I was in St, Louis at the funeral, hanging out with my old man and my brother and my sister in law and my wife and my kid and you know what? It was awesome.
Now, I’m not too stoked on the death part. My grandfather was an absolutely GREAT man by all accounts, but we knew he was fading, and the people of the generation above me, my aunt and dad in particular, were really, really burning the candle at both ends there in those final days just keeping him, uh….occupied and alive, so it’s cool. It’s what has to happen, it’s life, he’s not suffering anymore and wocka wocka wocka. The thing is, I’m upset that he’s gone, but I’m fine with it too. Like when a great movie or rock show ends. You want it to keep going, but you also know that a gigantic part of the thing that makes it beautiful is that it exists in a limited and extremely finite space. Nothing that’s worth a shit sticks around forever. You can quote me on that, kids.
Anyhoo, he, my granddad, Melvin, was a military man, and as such, he had a military burial, complete with three old ass men shooting rifles when this other old ass man called for them to, taps on the bugle, some current enlisted men and women folding flags and shit and generally every single thing that you could think of that represents god. Country, tradition and all that. And, you know what? It was pretty fucking cool. I want that. No Jesus, and no patriotism, but man, I’ll take the fucking guns and the taps. That shit is pure class.
I’m not a Jesus guy at all and I also think “God,” whatever that means, is kind of a pretty grey area too, frankly. We’ve probably talked about this before. I once read an interview with a dude from (I think) fountains of wayne and he was asked, point blank, if there was a god and his response was, to me, the epitome of how I feel about the issue. He said, and I’m paraphrasing a bit “well, if there is, I’m certainly not going to make it angry by saying there’s not.” Smart answer, no matter how you slice it.
Yeah, the idea of god is crazy, and once you get into the actual specific ideas about god that most people have on this earth, it gets downright retarded, but man, there IS inexplicable shit out there. There is. And yeah, sure, maybe someday it’ll all be explained away, like how people used to be blown away by the northern lights and now we know it’s just atmospheric conditions reacting with magnetic fields and all that…but you know what I mean. There’s some goofy shit going on out there that science doesn’t even come close to explaining. It’s ‘other side’ style. Is that god? I don’t really think so, but I’m certainly not stupid enough to suggest that I’ve got it all figured out in this universe after just a few short decades. I mean, the atheist and the fundamentalist are essentially the same, aren’t they? Just so fucking dead on sure that they’re right and everyone else is a moron. You know what? Both of those opinions are for retards. You don’t know. No. Actually, you don’t. No one does. Shut up. You’re NOT sure. You’re NOT positive. You’ve never talked to god and YOU’ve never been up and seen a vacant heaven (or whatever) either. You’re nothing but two extremely argumentative facets of the same category: fucking smug pricks. What’s wrong with healthy skepticism? I mean, can’t you just doubt everything and have a bit of a critical eye for shit without being a completely dismissive dickhole? Is that even an option?
Whatever. I’m not arguing about the existence of god here. It’s a big question that I’m (much like yourself, regardless of who you are) in no position to answer. And, listen carefully. If that last sentence made you feel superior, like you know something I don’t, check yourself, because you’re a smug cocksucker. Period. One hundred percent. Sorry. Chances are running at abut 95% that your friends either kind of hate you or are equally impossible to like. Just sayin.
Okay.
My grandfather was the guy who used to say ‘robits’ and there’s 2 entries in the BSC that feature him. This one: http://badsandwichchronicles.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-robit.html and this one: http://badsandwichchronicles.blogspot.com/2009/06/ive-been-trying-to-get-organized-for.html
As you can see, if you’re the kind of person that has nothing better to do right now than to virtually reminisce about james Melvin Kelly, well, he was great. I mean, I remember very clearly a time as a child when I considered him to be my best friend, BUT, for a lot of convoluted reasons, I hadn’t seen him in about 8 years before he died. Two weeks ago, at my brother’s wedding, my dad asked if I wanted to go see him. At this point he was completely sick, not really there mentally and generally kind of depressing to be around, as is the style of the dying. Well, I thought about going, but then my wife said (and again, I’m paraphrasing) ‘Just be careful. You have great memories of your grandfather now. My memory of my grandfather is now tainted by the last times I saw him and I HATE that I remember him as sick, because he was so much more than that. He wasn’t sick. He was my awesome and totally unfuckwithable awesome dude, husband, dad and grandfather.” And that kind of sold me on not going. Was it a cowardly move? I dunno. Probably? Maybe? Maybe it was brave? I don’t know. All I know is that two weeks ago I had the chance to see my grandfather for the first time in 8 years, and now he’s dead and I saw him in a casket instead. I don’t feel bad about it, but I don’t know if I feel awesome about it either. This shit is never easy, folks.
My dad was the only person that spoke at the service and he gave an amazing speech. When my kid was born, as morbid and selfish as it sounds, one of the first things that I thought when I looked down at him was, “This is the guy that’s gonna speak at my funeral. I better really, really be good to him, because I want my oldest son to really bring his A-game to the eulogy or whatever it’s called when I’m all dead.” Now, full disclosure here, me and my dad haven’t always been close, and there was a time when I wondered if I’d even BE at his funeral, much less speak. BUT that’s all behind us, and man, after yesterday, I’m gonna have to really, really really have to kick some ass to match his performance. I’m very proud to be the son of someone who can belt out some really touching shit without sounding like a sappy turd or a greeting card. He was just rappin at us. And it was cool. Impressive, hit you in the gut, but casually. You know? That’s a fucking speech, man. The old man’s really got it.
Jesus, this is getting self indulgent isn’t it? Well, I guess it IS a blog. If you assholes wanted the news without the self indulgence you could have gone to AVN.com. I’m just emotional right now. That’s all. This is a part of my family that for whatever reason I’ve had a hard time connecting with for the last few years, and now, with my bro’s wedding and this funeral, I’m feeling fully in there for maybe the first time ever, and shit, dude….it’s awesome. I’m home and I’m happy for my son that he’s got such great people to sneak him beers and teach him crappy dick jokes when he gets older and all that. I dunno. I feel like a sap. Never mind. Tomorrow the blog’s gonna be all felching and juggalos. But for today, this one’s for James Melvin Kelly, one of the hands down coolest motherfuckers I’ve ever known, even if he did used to describe Super Mario Bros as a boy getting knocked off the wall by kisses….
Also, to my various family that reads this: Um…sorry about publicizing family death and all our private affairs and shit, but hey man, this is what I do. I have nothing but respect for all y’all, but I gotta say what’s on my mind. That’s what this space is for, why I do it, and, let’s be frank, that’s why all this ad revenue keeps pouring in. And besides, come on. You knew, right? Wouldn’t an entry on buttfucking or Lady Gaga today just have seemed a bit gauche? I agree.
Um…what else? I dunno. Be good to each other. How bout that? This shit down here is fleeting and short, even if you pack in 90 years. Tell the people you love that you love em, and never EVER stop, no matter how fucking dorky you feel. If you’re following the BSC rule book and exuding confidence (which you all SHOULD be by now) you won’t come across as a creepy dipshit. You’ll make a day, because, man, everyone loves knowing someone love’s em. So, good luck, turds. Today, however, I’m not thinking of you guys. Just my peeps in the Kelly family, so be good out there on your own. Kellys: I Love all you guys a lot. Thanks for the best of a bad situation.
xoxoxox

39 comments:

Candice said...

so sorry to hear about your grandfather brendan. you'll be in my thoughts more than you usually are. which is already a lot.

and to take your advice, i love you. and all these dirty bsc socks too.

xoxo

Jayzilla said...

-- sorry for your loss-- you have my thoughts & prayers!

Banana@1000MPH said...

I would say I am sorry (and I am), but the whole blog made it sound like you don't really need me to say that because you've got a good handle on it and are looking at the bright-side.

Gregory said...

Beautiful dude. Hope you enjoyed my hometown as well!

Nick said...

one of the best posts in a long time

-chili

Nate B. said...

My Grandma's last few years were dominated by her Alzheimer's and it really altered my memory of her. It wasn't until her funeral where my Uncle gave a great speech that I remembered how great she was before she got sick.

Owner Operator said...

wow man. you hit the nail on the head today. my nonna is almost into triple figures. she doesnt know my name anymore and it seriosuly bums me out to see her. i saw it happen to my grandfather as well. getting old sucks but jsut remembering how fucknig awesome your grandparents were/are is the way to go. i loved making pasta with my nonna back in the day. little things like that.

much love from australia. we're thinking of you at this time.

Toto said...

great post man, and good to know you can handle it like a champ.
and it would feel out of place if i wrote any of my stupid jokes here, i was never funny anyway...

JSIN said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JSIN said...

Touching...

Josh said...

Good post man, right now I'm watching my grandpa and grandma fade, one faster than the other. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for your loss.

Scott said...

One of the best posts and hands down an amazing way to look back at someone and remember them.

See you saturday.

planespotting said...

My gramps died on the day after Christmas in 2005. He'd had a stroke a few days before, and my mom and I quick flew up to see him in the hospital and stuff before he died.

At the time, he certainly wasn't the man I knew as my grandpa. He was in a hospital bed, with all the tubes that everyone talks about in these kinds of stories.

And while I remember that, I mainly remember the guy who used to take me fishing when I was a kid, was the first person to take me out driving on the highway/interstate, who dropped out of high school to join the Merchant Marines in 1944, and who told me stories about his days as an asshole trucking boss who lived to fight the teamsters (total disclosure, he really never stopped being an asshole to most people, but he was nice to me).

But what I remember most about the whole experience was that while his death was certainly sad, I was lucky enough to go through it with good family. It can really bring the band back together and remind everyone how important family is in the first place.

Because really, you're stuck with your family, whether you like it or not. Might as well cherish their company while you still have it. No reason not to.

Kevin Burnett said...

"When the bell tolls I'll be fine."


Cheers dude, enjoy the little stuff with your family this week.

Speaking of small pleasures, my word verification is: Farto

dan said...

<3<3<3

~die~ said...

BK~
Sorry about your grandfather. I admire you and your strength for making the best out of a bad situation.

Owner Operator~ I thought I was the only one who enjoyed making pasta w/ her Nona. Are you Sicilian?

KypPineapple said...

I lost all my grandparents by the time I was 11, so my memories are fast and fleeting. Thanks for making me think of some of the great times I can still remember, though.

Also, I'll agree with your quote of "nothing that's worth a shit lasts forever." ...Except for when it comes to a certain, beloved band that I think everyone here just might enjoy.

nd said...

Sounds like a similar situation to how I felt regarding seeing my Grandmother in her final days. I was living in a different city - about six hours away from where she was - debating whether or not I should go see her. It was my parents who advised me not to come, she's not the same woman I'd remember. My Grandfather gave me just a short account of what she was like in those last days, and it was nothing like I'd have remembered her. I never did go see her towards the end, and I have to say I'm glad I didn't. My memories of my Grandmother are those of a funny, loving woman who was filled with life. I'm happy that I literally can't think of her any other way.

Good post today though, Brendan. Sorry to hear of your loss, but stoked to hear of your new found connection with your family.

Mark said...

I was going to post a picture of a girl who seems to be passed out with her tits out next to a ton of ICP shit and Faygo, but I'll save it for tomorrow. Great post, glad to have you back <3

Buddy said...

great post, and some stellar real talk!

Moxie. said...

this is spot on and one of the best entries in a long time. losing grandparents is one of the hardest things someone has to go through. I'm really, really sorry for your loss.

Maximilian said...

hm, can't really say anything about it too. 3 of my grandparents were dead before i was even born. and the grandma i got to know died when i was way too young to really remember much about her. i think i was around 8 years or so, so yeah, don't remember that.

but good post today, you really made the best out of a.... well, can't say shitty situation, but i think everyone know's what i mean.

dustyfloors said...

This was lovely, BK.

Also, if you ever want to take a trip in the time machine and enjoy a boy running across a wall avoiding getting kissed check out www.nintendo8.com

The Mario games are listed under "platform"

Again, this was really great BK.

Dugamancer said...

I have to say hands down one of the best posts. Shots of Jameson all around, and maybe a few extra for all those whom we have all lost.

Drunken Acorn said...

Sorry for your loss BK.

Crooks said...

BK,

Very nice entry. Let's cheers to him Saturday!

Brian Detweiler said...

Sorry to hear about that, man.

I had a similar thing happen two years ago. I was about six months into my deployment to Iraq and my grandmother suddenly got sick. It was cancer and she wasn't going to last long. I had talked to her on the phone when she was in the hospital and I could barely recognize her. So, instead of trying to come home to see her die, I just waited til the funeral. Chickenshitmove? Maybe. I just didn't want to see her like that.

I sometimes have to wonder if I'd want anyone to see me like that, or if I'd be bummed that they didn't come to see me. Tough choices, man.

Thanks for this post. It made me smile.

Sean said...

reading this makes me wish I knew my grandparents... :/

word verification: horrie

... do you pick these things? haha

Joshua said...

first, my condolences. secondly, i completely agree with the points about not ruining your best memories with what is sure to be a terrible sight. but my personal view, after a couple occurrences, is that id rather spend a short time with the person cause they probably want to enjoy those memories of me as much as i do of them. i avoid the funeral at all costs though. thats the portion of the memory i dont need. id rather know i spent a short time with them for us to be together and never have the image of the person dead in my memory. just my two cents on the matter.

artielovescupcakes said...

hey just wondering about you and your dad not prying or anything but what does your dad think of old timer 2x4 i mean that is bout him right? that song has tons of emotions on it from you just wanted to know about it thanks

Daniel Gordon said...

Sorry about the passing.

However, I did go all dorky and told my friends, for the millionth time, that I loved them. They said it back, it's good to have rad people in your life. This post got me stoked on life. I was gonna say ironic but I think that's kind of what you were going for.

rjkdb8 said...

Not that I wasn’t aware before reading this, but this entry represents conclusive evidence that you’re more than capable of matching (nay, exceeding) JMK's ability to achieve the precise mixture of sentiment, humor and other intangibles required to hit a fucking grand slam in the drafting/delivery department, be it speech, prose or verse, regardless of the occasion or context.

And while I love you unconditionally, in order to avoid any emotional complication, please don’t misplace Wyatt in Abi’s absence.

Gabriel said...

Not afraid to say it, Beex. That shit made me cry. Sorry for your loss.

kylewagoner said...

I loved this post. Like every thing about it. Funny, touching, captivating. I think you'll do just fine at your dad's funeral.

love,
Kyle

PoliticsOfStarving said...

I hate death.

My grandpa died November 2008. I knew he only had a few weeks left, but I didn't go to see him. He was suffering dementia and didn't even know who anyone was anymore, and only being kept alive by the hospital machines.

After the funeral everyone told me that I was lucky I didn't go and it would've just broken my heart to see him the way he was.

Jesus said...

If I could have someone come and sum up my life in a nutshell and had to pick a total stranger, well you Mr. Kelly would be my man.

I'm glad you're doing alright BK, it's cool to see a sensitive side once in awhile. Best wishes in the coming days and much Love, brother.

Owner Operator said...

~die~
my italian side spurns from the north of italy, tuscany to be exact, near carara to be even more exact. although my nonna was born in the south (i need to point out at this point that she is not sicilian) she married a sailor (my nonno) and moved north with him. having italian grandparents was awesome. i wish my nonna still recognised me and still made pasta but i suspect she'd put to much salt in it these days.

FranklinStein said...

Brendan,
Every time I hear the last lines for "Abracadaver," chills are sent down my spine and tears well up in my eyes. I got "Apathy and Exhaustion" when I was 15; I'm 23. At 3:07 am, this is what I want to share with you. Sucking your dick? To many, it's hard to deny.

--Franklin

janeharas said...

Sorry, Brendan.
My grandpa passed away about four days after I saw you guys in San Diego. We knew it was coming after three years of cancer, but it was still a shock. I think mine and yours would have gotten along well ... mine liked to tease people all the time and be a practical joker, even making brillo pad sandwiches for truckers' lunches (don't even begin to ask, because I don't know). He was great and silly as it sounds like yours was.
-SJ

(seriously, if this posts more than once, I'm incredibly sorry, my internet doesn't let me do anything.)