Friday, February 12, 2010

something and vicodin...you're talking shit again -or- Huh huh huh huh!

Okay, before we get started here, I’m playing at the metro in Chicago this Sunday, which is Valentines day. The show is a benefit for Darfurian refugee children, which is a pretty good cause. I go on a little after four, so it’s the perfect prelude to the great valentines day date you’ve got set up where you give your old lady a bottle of schnapps and get her drunk before you sloppily finger her in the shotgun seat of your dads car in the parking lot at the forest preserve. Okay. That’s that. Hope to see you all there.
Moving on.

Man oh man. The world is going to hell. The truth of the matter is that I don’t even know what to be most bummed about. Kendra is on the cover of OK magazine (which, by the way shouldn’t even fucking exist) showing off her new baby body. This shit is so fucking tired, man. It’s also odd that a baby is now this promotional tool to use just to propagate the fame of your own life. Why? Because you just had a baby, lady. You aren’t supposed to be working or promoting anything else. There’s LAWS in place in this country (this same country that barely gives a shit about its people and calls it laissez-faire capitalism) that specifically detail that for three months, no woman with a full time job can be fired for staying home. Sure, she doesn’t have to get paid, but they have to keep her job for her. Yeah, tell me all about how shitty employers get around this one. I know the score. People can figure out a way to fire you for anything.
That’s because people are dicks and people are selfish and people around here have their eyes on the bottom line, and on saving their own dumb, underqualified asses, not any sense of community or the future of our culture (don’t believe me? Check out the public school system). The fact is, maternity law exists for a reason.
In lots of other developed countries, new moms get six months, a year, two years PAID to stay home and raise their kids. Hell, even the fucking DADS get paid time off in lots of places. Know why? Because raising kids is important and if you don’t do it, in twenty years, your kid is robbing old ladies and shooting motherfuckers out behind the jack-shack and going to jail where he’ll wind up becoming a further burden on society. And THAT, Kendra, is why people don’t go to work right after they have a baby.
Oh, yeah, I know. She’s not working. She’s just getting back in shape and promoting her new baby body. Everyone in Hollywood does it, dude. Well, I think that’s strange. No. I think it’s FUCKED UP. These dumb magazines pay these women for these pictures and put them on the cover, but why? I mean, I get the basics. They sell. Why not do it? What a great motivator for myself (says Kendra through a mouthful of drool) and for other poor, unfamous slob moms too?
Well, no. That’s not how promotion really works. You promote THINGS. Not your life. Know why the Killers aren’t on any magazines right now? Because they don’t have a record out. Know why you aren’t seeing Brad Pitt on Letterman? Because he doesn’t have a movie to promote. That’s how this shit works, people. How fucking great is it gonna be when all the magazines are just people getting paid to take pictures of themselves just standing there, not doing anything, not promoting anything, just standing there? Short answer, great. Long answer, terrible.
I mean, fuck. Who even is gonna remember what Kendra’s famous for, huh? Oh, that’s right. I’m all wrong. She’s got her own show now, and there’s a new season coming out, so she IS promoting something for a reason.
See, I told you there was always a reason for this shit. She’s doing promotional photos and tours for her show. Well, good. That’s nice. The machine can’t stop just cuz she shit out a kid, right? Right. Now, go back to the top and read again why this is so fucking gross and wrong. Oh, and Kendra, you’re still a disgusting pig. And borderline retarded. So there’s that.

Also, John Mayer admitted he sucked a dick, I guess, then he said some racist shit in Playboy and started throwing N bombs around all the while bragging that the black race (all of ‘em) loves him.
Man, John Mayer, you are cultural gold. And I don’t mean that in some dumb “whatever you say is so great” kind of way. I mean that you’re like gold in the way that it’s valuable anywhere. That’s you. You’re just like the cultural equivalent of carrying a secret stash of gold along on your circling-the-globe excursion in case you get into trouble, man.
You’re so down with the gays, you just totally GO there and put their dicks up in your mouth, you’re down with the brothers, just hangin out talking about how black people this, and white people that, saying whatever the fuck you feel like in the paper, slingin the N word like it’s crack and you’re working Crenshaw. Cool. What else you got? You call the migra on your Mexican chums? That’s gold too, Mayer. Cultural gold.
I mean, sheeeit. This dude is the guy that everyone can agree on? Fuck off. Really? REALLY? Your Body is a Wonderland? And he’s telling me that I DON’T get that because I’m NOT black? I mean I think of John Mayer as the whitest guy around, all hemp necklaces and docksiders and hanging out with the cast of Friends. I mean, that’s some white boy shit, man. And yeah, he hangs out with Kanye, Common and Dave Chappelle and he’s funny but really, does that make him any less of a total honky? No way dude. He’s wearing pants with pleats and he’s got pennies in his shoes. AND HE’S PLAYING THAT WACKASS MOM MUSIC AND HE’S DOING GUITAR SOLOS ON A STRAT while making that FUCKING FACE.
And yes, thanks asshole. I have heard of Jimi Hendrix. Doesn’t change anything at all. It’s all just ridiculous. John Oscar Mayer really, truly did say some pretty goofy shit out there in that playboy interview. I think there’s gonna be some brothers coming to use his body (specifically his face and spine) as a wonderland pretty soon.
Eh, probably not. Most people probably would need to successfully navigate John’s security team (jesus fucking Christ!) and Kanye is a pussy and Common’s already sympathetic to hateful gaffes since his whole oft repeated thing about not liking gays. So, no fighting. Hell, maybe Common was just throwing people off the trail, and maybe they all bone. Maybe those are the dicks that John Mayer has had in his mouth. Maybe that explains everything.
Okay, let’s say that. I like that and it makes sense. Kanye and Common and John Mayer have sloppy blowjob exchanges and just buttfuck and felch til the cows come home.
It’s settled….
Wait, what’d you say?
Hey, leave Chappelle out of this.

24 comments:

nd said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nd said...

Oops, fucked up my first post. The link to your benefit show is broken, and I also requested to know who the shit "Kendra" is.

Gregory said...

This is the best way to wake up man. Just brilliant.

planespotting said...

Nice rant, BK.

It seems like most days you just sit down on the computer to type your little heart out and gold comes out of your fingers.

Jayzilla said...

first gmail adds the "buzz" feature and now you add hyperlinks in the blog -- its been a solid week for tech advancement...


also

FRIDAY POSTS RULE!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew said...

i'm with nd in that i have no clue who "kendra" is but i don't keep up on people magazine and entertainment tonight because i honestly could give a fuck less about those people

JSIN said...

"the great valentines day date you’ve got set up where you give your old lady a bottle of schnapps and get her drunk before you sloppily finger her in the shotgun seat of your dads car in the parking lot at the forest preserve."

How'd you know what we were doing for Valantines this year?

Sean said...

haha, i got so excited when I saw that hyperlink....

and it definitely did not disapoint hahaha

balls yo said...

I beat John Mayer in a battle rap once...

Hey BK, Socks...I wanted to share some entertainment with ya'll today and I think you will be pleased!??

1st: my friend Greg Tidrow is a stand up comedian and he is really fucking funny and original! (he is 27, had brain surgery when he was 18 and had a stroke. The stroke made him so his brain is still at full speed but his mouth and body can't completely keep up...all this makes his delivery great and he's a good dude.)

http://vimeo.com/9220937

2nd: i, yes, I, had the pleasure of filming good skateboarding for over 15 years now. Some pros for their videos and Arizona locals who are good friends and talented skateboarders. Yesterday I finished an archives section 2000-2002. It should be entertaining if ya dig on that sorta thing.

www.vimeo.com/9388796

Eric Baskauskas said...

i dunno if brad pitt promoting ocean's fourteen is any more culturally necessary than him just shootin the shit with dave. personally i loved when conan had norm macdonald on like three separate times with jack shit to promote.

we should just stop liking idiots, then it wouldn't matter what they do, we could just enjoy listening to interesting, smart people talk. kinda like why we come to this blog? or are you secretly promoting your new modlife platform?

Dr. Karl Navore said...

this has got to be one of the best post i have read, mainly because i think John Meyer is overrated and i think he is a prick. Thanks BK

Uncle Buck said...

leave strats out of this, they're quality guitars

Ryan said...

Hey balls yo that skate footage is pretty cool. That kid Pat Green is good.

Peter said...

For the blessed few that don't know, I believe the Kendra being referenced here is Kendra Wilkinson, ex-hugh hefner girlfriend, ointment slather-er and reality show star on the E! network

For bonus points, her husband is mediocre NFL wide receiver Hank Baskett, who took the Saints onside kick to the face during the Super Bowl, a play which changed the momentum of the game and subsequently allowed New Orleans to completely recover from Katrina... or so they tell me on ESPN

balls yo said...

Thanks Ryan, yeah, Pat is my little brother...He's 21 now, he was 12 for most that footage except last 2 tricks.

Peter, that's an awesome comment! no way could i a said it better myself!

Nick said...

anyone have a link to the mayer interview? I can't find it anywhere and I want to read about his racist member.

Peter said...

Here's the interview link:

http://www.playboy.com/articles/john-mayer-playboy-interview/index.html

While your there you can compare and contrast Kendra's boob job with Tara Reid's new boob job and Heidi Montag's previous boob job.

Since Mayer said his dong is racist, do you think he goes for the Hitler's mustache look when manscaping?

Jim said...

This was amazing today! I'm a fucking fuck and don't think I'm going to be able to make that who on Sunday. That sucks.

Blake said...

Pretty sure this was the first hyperlink Brendan meant to put up.

http://rocknraise.org/

Orangey said...

Just saw this video for the first time and it made me think of the sock draw while also blowing my mind.

http://dailymotion.com/video/xa4cvx_major-lazer-pon-de-floor-ft-vybz-ka_music

James said...

I was sad to seee this post is not a new Falcon Song.

ohhh well...

Mr_Crackovich said...

Why do you always rip on pop-culture? You are the one who immerses yourself in it. I had no idea this interview even happened because i don't spend my days skimming through playboy searching for the celebrity interviews.

kylewagoner said...

The Killers aren't on any magazines because they're on hiatus.

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