Okay, before we get started here, I’m playing at the metro in Chicago this Sunday, which is Valentines day. The show is a benefit for Darfurian refugee children, which is a pretty good cause. I go on a little after four, so it’s the perfect prelude to the great valentines day date you’ve got set up where you give your old lady a bottle of schnapps and get her drunk before you sloppily finger her in the shotgun seat of your dads car in the parking lot at the forest preserve. Okay. That’s that. Hope to see you all there.
Man oh man. The world is going to hell. The truth of the matter is that I don’t even know what to be most bummed about. Kendra is on the cover of OK magazine (which, by the way shouldn’t even fucking exist) showing off her new baby body. This shit is so fucking tired, man. It’s also odd that a baby is now this promotional tool to use just to propagate the fame of your own life. Why? Because you just had a baby, lady. You aren’t supposed to be working or promoting anything else. There’s LAWS in place in this country (this same country that barely gives a shit about its people and calls it laissez-faire capitalism) that specifically detail that for three months, no woman with a full time job can be fired for staying home. Sure, she doesn’t have to get paid, but they have to keep her job for her. Yeah, tell me all about how shitty employers get around this one. I know the score. People can figure out a way to fire you for anything.
That’s because people are dicks and people are selfish and people around here have their eyes on the bottom line, and on saving their own dumb, underqualified asses, not any sense of community or the future of our culture (don’t believe me? Check out the public school system). The fact is, maternity law exists for a reason.
In lots of other developed countries, new moms get six months, a year, two years PAID to stay home and raise their kids. Hell, even the fucking DADS get paid time off in lots of places. Know why? Because raising kids is important and if you don’t do it, in twenty years, your kid is robbing old ladies and shooting motherfuckers out behind the jack-shack and going to jail where he’ll wind up becoming a further burden on society. And THAT, Kendra, is why people don’t go to work right after they have a baby.
Oh, yeah, I know. She’s not working. She’s just getting back in shape and promoting her new baby body. Everyone in Hollywood does it, dude. Well, I think that’s strange. No. I think it’s FUCKED UP. These dumb magazines pay these women for these pictures and put them on the cover, but why? I mean, I get the basics. They sell. Why not do it? What a great motivator for myself (says Kendra through a mouthful of drool) and for other poor, unfamous slob moms too?
Well, no. That’s not how promotion really works. You promote THINGS. Not your life. Know why the Killers aren’t on any magazines right now? Because they don’t have a record out. Know why you aren’t seeing Brad Pitt on Letterman? Because he doesn’t have a movie to promote. That’s how this shit works, people. How fucking great is it gonna be when all the magazines are just people getting paid to take pictures of themselves just standing there, not doing anything, not promoting anything, just standing there? Short answer, great. Long answer, terrible.
I mean, fuck. Who even is gonna remember what Kendra’s famous for, huh? Oh, that’s right. I’m all wrong. She’s got her own show now, and there’s a new season coming out, so she IS promoting something for a reason.
See, I told you there was always a reason for this shit. She’s doing promotional photos and tours for her show. Well, good. That’s nice. The machine can’t stop just cuz she shit out a kid, right? Right. Now, go back to the top and read again why this is so fucking gross and wrong. Oh, and Kendra, you’re still a disgusting pig. And borderline retarded. So there’s that.
Also, John Mayer admitted he sucked a dick, I guess, then he said some racist shit in Playboy and started throwing N bombs around all the while bragging that the black race (all of ‘em) loves him.
Man, John Mayer, you are cultural gold. And I don’t mean that in some dumb “whatever you say is so great” kind of way. I mean that you’re like gold in the way that it’s valuable anywhere. That’s you. You’re just like the cultural equivalent of carrying a secret stash of gold along on your circling-the-globe excursion in case you get into trouble, man.
You’re so down with the gays, you just totally GO there and put their dicks up in your mouth, you’re down with the brothers, just hangin out talking about how black people this, and white people that, saying whatever the fuck you feel like in the paper, slingin the N word like it’s crack and you’re working Crenshaw. Cool. What else you got? You call the migra on your Mexican chums? That’s gold too, Mayer. Cultural gold.
I mean, sheeeit. This dude is the guy that everyone can agree on? Fuck off. Really? REALLY? Your Body is a Wonderland? And he’s telling me that I DON’T get that because I’m NOT black? I mean I think of John Mayer as the whitest guy around, all hemp necklaces and docksiders and hanging out with the cast of Friends. I mean, that’s some white boy shit, man. And yeah, he hangs out with Kanye, Common and Dave Chappelle and he’s funny but really, does that make him any less of a total honky? No way dude. He’s wearing pants with pleats and he’s got pennies in his shoes. AND HE’S PLAYING THAT WACKASS MOM MUSIC AND HE’S DOING GUITAR SOLOS ON A STRAT while making that FUCKING FACE.
And yes, thanks asshole. I have heard of Jimi Hendrix. Doesn’t change anything at all. It’s all just ridiculous. John Oscar Mayer really, truly did say some pretty goofy shit out there in that playboy interview. I think there’s gonna be some brothers coming to use his body (specifically his face and spine) as a wonderland pretty soon.
Eh, probably not. Most people probably would need to successfully navigate John’s security team (jesus fucking Christ!) and Kanye is a pussy and Common’s already sympathetic to hateful gaffes since his whole oft repeated thing about not liking gays. So, no fighting. Hell, maybe Common was just throwing people off the trail, and maybe they all bone. Maybe those are the dicks that John Mayer has had in his mouth. Maybe that explains everything.
Okay, let’s say that. I like that and it makes sense. Kanye and Common and John Mayer have sloppy blowjob exchanges and just buttfuck and felch til the cows come home.
Wait, what’d you say?
Hey, leave Chappelle out of this.