Monday, April 19, 2010

I recognize all those words, but that sign makes no sense...

Well, it’s Monday and I’m still unemployed. It’s a grim feeling, to be sure, and when I see all the success and opulence that surrounds me, hell, all of us, it becomes brutal, frankly. But you know what? I may have no job, but I’m a fucking pioneer. No! Hey! Where are you going? I’m fucking serious! What’s that? You want proof? Okay. Okay. How ‘bout this:

Juggalos. Yeah, they’re all the rage right now thanks to “Miracles” and the subsequent “aw shit! That’s awesome!” that the song inspired, both from previously unincorporated fatties and turds and from smug hipster shitstains, ostensibly citing the ‘awesomeness’ of the song “Miracles” for different reasons. However, the fact remains: “Miracles” is the shot in the arm that may have pushed ICP into the category of ‘ironic awesomeness’ that COULD, and I’m thinking it’s probably already happening somewhere in the absolutely COOOLEST part of Brooklyn, result in hipster clowns.

Now, I know what you’re saying…Brooklyn is already chock full of hipster clowns, and yes, yes…ha ha. Very good. You know what I mean. Fully realized ironic juggalos are coming. Sounds far fetched? Well, I’d like to remind you that co-opting super uncool and laughable styles is exactly how we wound up with the wolf-shirt clad, mustachioed guy that’s looking at you like you’ve got three ballsacks on your forehead because your bike has brakes.

Hipsters LOVE taking ironically appreciated facets of humanity and co-opting their styles like a bunch of culture locusts. If molester chic and county fair chic have already plagued the appearances of all our food delivery guys and dishwashers. Why do you think that Juggalodom isn’t next? It could be. Thanks to “Miracles”. And THAT is a true miracle. IF ICP succeeds in getting all the hipster dumbasses that think they’re making fun of the Juggalos to dress up as clowns, then they’re like Kevin Spacey at the end of Seven and they’re even more genius than I ever gave them credit for being.

Now, I’ll get to why they’re geniuses in a second, but first, I need to address what you’re all thinking:

“Dude, seriously? Another post about Juggalos? Are you even reading what you’re writing? Not only have you worn a deep tread over this subject already, but you’re doing exactly what you’re talking about here. You’re lauding ICP from an ironic and smug distance. You’re the very hipster you decry, you dumb felch-farmer!”

Okay, well…firstly, I’d like to go back to my opening paragraph, where I discussed what a pioneer I am. This is exactly what I was talking about. I’ve been rapping about Juggalos for YEARS. Check out the song “On With the Show” from 2003 where I’m name dropping juggalos a full seven years before “Miracles” or any of this new jack juggalo-love-irony-fest. And I’m not appreciating the culture as anything more than a fantastic and bizarre anomaly that I want to observe from a distance, far from the sea foam like kisses of faygo spray and FAR from the big fat clowns and their meat on a stick, or whatever disgusting things they eat. I find face paint and back acne to be gross and I’ve maintained this opinion for the past ten years. The shit’s fascinating, but I’ve got no connection to this resurgence of pop recognition for the clowns, this is all part of my decade-long ongoing research, so suck it.

Now, why are J and Shaggy geniuses? Here’s why, by way of example:

In the 80’s when crack first started ravaging black communities, people, social scientists and various old white folks at cocktail parties started saying things like “you know, it’s really fascinating. These black drug dealers, they speak a completely vulgar form of English and they seem strange and disgusting to us but believe it or not (!) they’re actually very astute businessmen, and their acumen rivals that of an MBA grad!”

Now, this went from fascinating discourse to condescending racism almost in the exact amount of time it took to be uttered, and now we know that running an empire, be it drugs or McNuggets or Red China takes lots and lots of critical skills and we wouldn’t dare question the business sense of, say a coke trafficker in Brazil or a chop shop owner in Jersey. It’s obvious that these are smart guys and it’s become increasingly obvious that there are other ways to become incredibly specialized and intelligent besides going to college. But in the early 80’s, this casual racism was a bit of a revelation. When the Times started citing Ice Cube as a lyrical and poetic master (and he is. His shit on Straight Outta Compton” is the most ahead of its time hip hop in the history of the genre) people were flipping out. “He’s no genius!” (adjusts comb-over) “He says shit like ‘finna’ and rhymes about eating Burger King” but that was a pretty square critique. The kids knew that Cube really was pretty brilliant, and everyone who didn’t think so just looked like Mortimer and Lewis from Trading Places.

Now, you see where I’m going with this obviously. I personally find ICP’s lyrics and songs to be so terrible that it’s absurd. “What is a Juggalo?” they ask. “He’ll eat Monopoly and shit out Connect Four.”

I don’t get it. Clearly. It’s so fucking dumb and it celebrates things I don’t think are supposed to be celebrated (stupidity, being fat, murder, being dumb [did I already say that one?], having BBQ sauce all over your hockey jersey, etc) but that’s really no different than what my mom’s generation said about gangster rap. Now, yeah, big difference: I’m PART of the Juggalos generation. I’m fucking younger than those two dumb clowns, but the general idea is the same, and the numbers and everything don’t lie.

What I mean: These guys are probably, no, definitely the most successful musicians of all time. They have a complete vertical monopoly on all things ICP. They OWN the factories where they print their shirts, they own the factories that print their CD’s, they own the trucks that take those fucking cds and shirts to the stores. They own the studio they record in. They own the label that they’re on. They’ve got less people to answer to than Paul McCartney does. They’ve done something that NO ONE ELSE has ever done on such a massive scale, and that cannot be reduced to dumb luck. There’s something else going on there, folks. Something huge.

Yes, the reason that they started doing everything themselves is because no one would touch their dumb ass music with a ten foot pole, but that can’t be grounds for being dismissive about their empire. All great advances come from being ignored, marginalized, fired, pushed into a corner or otherwise stuck. Listen, if Einstein was getting regular blowjobs from hot twins every afternoon, there would be no E=MC2. That’s true. Being ignored doesn’t negate genius. In most cases, it’s the fucking catalyst for it.

So, there’s these two clowns (one fat, one ‘I smoked myself into a piece of beef jerkey’ thin) and they spray soda on one another and they sing songs about chopping up turds and they wrestle and they probably have something to do with nascar and they’re pretty clearly the most successful musicians of all time, just due to the fact that they’re the ONLY people that have ever existed on that scale that answer to NO ONE. And they’ve got a whole CULTURE that’s been created around their retarded mythology. There’s no way to ignore it folks. It’s the big fat, drunk elephantine clown in the room. They’re geniuses. AND, to go back to my earlier point, if they get those Brooklyn dipshits to ape their style, they’re not just geniuses, but they’re truly doing the work of a very hilarious god too.

But still…

Sigh.

I’m gonna go take a shower and pretend the world is a very different place. You should all maybe do the same.

Ta.

27 comments:

Roo said...

So DIY is the way to big bucks!

Crooks said...

Even SNL is catching on: http://www.hulu.com/watch/143249/saturday-night-live-outrageous-clown-squad-kickspit-dirt-festival

Sean said...

... I see your logic...

ICP is like dried up jizz on candice's breasts... (the profile, not the person, for candice's sake)

... i mean... on one hand the breasts are good, nay, GREAT... just like their business strategy is good.

But when you look at the big picture... it's still just dried up jizz, which is pretty fucking disgusting. That's just how I feel at least heh.

Manny Los Gatos said...

Hope you get a job soon, but I think the quality of BSC is inversely correlated to your employment situation. Today being no exception. I never get tired of hearing about Juggalos. I also never get tired of laughing out loud at work so people think that I'm not sane. Keep it up.

David said...

I think you are missing the bigger picture and that is that Juggalos will bring about the rapture.

Think about it, they have a loyal fanbase that will already travel great lengths to hangout in the middle of the forest for a weekend. They are slowly building. When hipsters do catch on and anger the real Juggalos it will become an all out war. The streets will run red with Faygo and no person with dignity will be safe.

We are all in danger.

Moxie. said...

http://pasquinadepress.wordpress.com

I wrote a blog thing on how we need to drop our entire nuclear arsenal on The Gathering. Once I watched the video for "Miracles" i lost my faith in humanity ("FUCKIN' RAINBOWS." are you serious, dude?) Whatever. At least ICP makes it easier to sort out morons from a crowd.

dustyfloors said...

I don't really know much of ICP. I recently saw this video (after it was being discussed here) and I HOPE these guys are fucking kidding.
I mean in all the interviews and general press stuff I've seen them in it seems they really believe in this shit.
I feel silly even asking this but they don't take this whole thing serious do they? I mean, it's just a funny little persona they put on to rake in millions, right?

Nicolas said...

Fuckin' Bond-villain-esque plans to take over the whole of American culture. How's that shit work?

Donnie said...

Is the goal of all these ICP related posts to get Violent J to notice you??????

The Swingin' Party said...

I think it's also worth mentioning that there is no group of music fans more dedicated to a band than Juggalos. It's so much like a cult that I'm consistently in awe. Those people spend thousands of dollars annually on that band and would defend them til death. Nobody stands behind musicians the way Juggalos do.

Also, living in a central Illinois college town, you notice that hipsters of all varieties are always about a step behind Chicago and Chicago is always a step behind Brooklyn so watching hipsters down try and keep up is pretty funny. But this Juggalo thing, for the first time is something that kids down here have down pat because there are SO MANY Juggalos in this town. The cool kids are trying to keep up with us losers that live in the middle of nowhere.

Drew said...

I've essentially been resisting icp since the day I moved from NY to Colorado (say 17 years ago… I know they weren’t around then, but the larger cultural cess pool they generated out of was thriving in other ways, just without face-paint). Living in proximity to a bonified trailer park, not to sound like some bougie douche with a grudge, which was included in my school’s districting, I have seriously dealt with this subculture nearly my entire adolescence. This is neither here nor there, just affirming that my critique of these scabs is deep-rooted in my rearing, not some cultural fetishizing trend… however, it is hands down one of the funniest contemporary public mockeries that I can think of.

What I really want to talk about is how utterly facile the whole “hipster” discourse is. Seriously people, I’ve had enough of you manipulating the term as a means of some petty self-aggrandizing escapism. Get the fuck over it. You’re most likely a hipster. I am a fucking hipster. We are all one big fucking hipster orgy of a civilization. It’s called modern-day consumerism, and it’s is completely ubiquitous in the Global North, and many regions of the South thanks to globalized fiber-optic telecommunication. You wearing your carefully constructed hiking boots, and your Carhartt “blue-collar-chic" jacket, and your premeditated disheveled hair, are just a differing reflection of hipsterdom, ascribing yourself to a disparate aesthetic bracket still bleeding in post-modern irony.

…Essentially: the word is boring, the meaning is trite, and the bigoted undertone is pathetic and sadomasochistic. NOW SHUT UP YOU HIPSTERS, CRACK OPEN A PBR AND ACCEPT YOUR ENTRENCHMENT IN THE MODERN COMMODIFIED SOCIETAL SHITHOLE WE ALL ENDURE EVERYDAY OF OUR GODDAMN LIVES!!! …just be nice to one another!

BRAD81 said...

Dont worry Brendan. I downloaded Wasted Potential from Amazon this week. Sure your cut will find it's way into your bank account.

Blake said...

Drew - ICP started in 1989. I've heard those stupid clowns since I was in the 3rd grade (1993?). I believe the Juggalo movement got big in the late 90's but either way. I've had a rough life.

Drew said...

Thanks for the history lesson Blake--- I knew I've always had an acute disdain for clowns since I was cognisant of my surroundings!

Daniel said...

nice job on jbtv! cool stuff, but i guess you are not getting paid for hosting that. You should totally put an icp video on and just rag on it or something. HA juggalos are so stupid

Banana@1000MPH said...

Your post basically sums a movie I saw Freshman year of high school called something like "The Sultans of Cool" where some guys got kids to come in and tell them what was cool so they could market toward and then it talked about the countercultures and used Juggalos as their example and I don't really remember the rest of the point, but I think it mentioned how the Juggalos were somehow profitable...I just remember the horrible music and the ridiculous fans waiting outside the venue.

Candice said...

i love hipsters. and smegma.

Drew said...

We love you too candice...

http://amazingdata.com/mediadata24/Image/hot_weird_funny_amazing_cool_hipster-sunglasses-0_200907251450241979.jpg

Candice said...

please wear that jacket(?)/shirt(?) to the cobra skulls show in bklyn next week. there will be tons of hipsters there so you'll look really cool.

Toto said...

well, i finally checked the whole juggaloo thing out, and that "miracles" video too. i've been reading about it here but i never quite understood what you were talking about since i live in argentina and there is not one single jugaloo here, and nobody listens to ICP, we don't even know what faygo, or "the gathering" are.

AND I FINALLY CHECKED ALL THAT OUT...my first impression was "really?...really??!? IS THIS FUCKING BUNCH OF SHIT FOR REAL?!?!?!".

we are fucking doomed.

Jimmy Collyer said...

ICP probably is into mulch bagging. For those unaware of this term here's a link. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mulch+bagging

Some Young Guy said...

you can bag on the wacky shit that a couple of clowned-out rappers say in their ridiculous songs. but having grown up in southern indiana, hours away from detroit, and being one of very few people who actually know a few real-life juggalos (unlike most people who make fun of them), i gotta say, they're pretty fucking harmless and most of them believe in respect. not to mention (and i think i've said this before) all the juggalos i've ever met were lower-class kids who never stood a chance, who got picked on in school for being poor, whose parents abused them, whose teachers ignored them. the culture is fucking stupid and lord do i hope it doesn't in some way catch on, but it still bugs me when people start saying shit like "i hope all juggalos fucking die" just because they wear clown makeup and listen to stupid music. there's always more to it than meets the eye. and i know this is me being biased in my own way so whatever.

Dave said...

This is a bit off topic but are Brett Guerwitz and Joey Greco the same person?

Owner Operator said...

"mulch bagging"???
seriously... that exists. ewwwww.
i'm guessing not. but still... i hate the world

yo said...

they make 5 million a piece a year in merch alone. its fuckin outrageous/hilarious. and this makes me want to start a juggalo hardcore band and get in on the action. the lawrence arms should play the gathering.

Drunken Acorn said...

Hey I remember in high school when I got teased for wearing a spike belt, wearing band t-shrits and listening to "shitty" music that no one has ever heard of. The spike belt is gone but I still get made fun of for the music. So I say Juggalos do your thing,but don't get any faygo one me.

minnesota.vikings said...

So, as a Juggalo I will be the first to admit that ICP is not great, exceptional, or even sub-par by any means. I love them and I love them a lot. But no, they are not what every Juggalo and their mother makes them out to be. But they are undoubtedly one of the most successful bands of all time. The following that they have created is absurdly dedicated to a fault. Now, is everyone single one of us fat, greasy, and uneducated? No. There are a surprising number of us who are not any of the three. We just don't draw attention to ourselves like our stereotypical counterparts. But ending statement is that hipster clowns are a disastrous thought because it's just one more reason for less intelligent Juggalos do stupid things. Like kick the shit out of someone in an ICP shirt for singing the chorus to Homies wrong. Which consequently affects people like me by association.