I am so fucking pissed right now. My god. I can barely breathe. God DAMN it! This morning, just now, my wife went to Jacuzzi and she didn’t blow me first. I’m livid. I should burn our fucking house down. I’m so fucking nice and I let her sleep and this is the thanks I get? What kind of rapable floozy just sashays around in provocative clothing (like that green thing she was wearing yesterday? [Hello!??!?!?]) to and from Jacuzzi without blowing their husband first? Answer me that! Excuse me. I need to catch my breath.
Okay, I’m calming down a bit. I’m just gonna hit her with a bat and then burn the house down and then probably have a few cocktails and take a nice relaxing drive in the hills. I’m gonna find a woman that knows her fucking priorities. They will go: 1) Blowing me 2) modesty, and THEN 3)Jacuzzi. I don’t know what I was thinking with this woman.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay, for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of hearing the latest in the epic “Mel Gibson’s flushing his public image down the toilet like so many feces smeared condoms” series of tapes, in the newest one (which is awesome) he’s going full wolfman on his old lady because she wouldn’t blow him before she went to Jacuzzi (whatever the fuck that means). He’s so angry that he’s almost hyperventilating. It’s one of the finest pieces of entertainment to ever EVER hit the general consciousness. The best part about it is that I’m not even entirely convinced that he really wants the blowjob. It sounds more like he’s so furious with her for just going about her business (a little nap and then Jacuzzi) and he’s just kind of searching wildly for what she neglected to do so he can yell at her and he decides the lack of a morning beej will do nicely. What a crazy, lovable bastard!
I mean, a morning BJ is great and all, and I realize I’m no Mel Gibson or anything, but seriously? Is that something that’s so common in your household that its absence even provokes notice? If so, good for you, man. I mean, I’ve had my share of the morning beej in my time, but kind of in the same way that I’ve had swordfish. It’s great, and I’m familiar with it and I’d recognize it even blindfolded, but it doesn’t happen all the time and I’m certainly not surprised, nor do I even really notice when a day or even week goes by and I don’t end up enjoying any.
And the idea of yelling at a woman for not giving you a blowjob is amazing. That’s some serious hubris, man. AND, just so we’re full coverage on this thing, I don’t know when people started saying going “to Jacuzzi” but that’s awesome too. It’s kind of like going to yoga or something. It really implies that a lot of many splendored benefits can be enjoyed through the use and practice of Jacuzzi. I like it. I’m gonna exclusively say going ‘to jacuzzi’ every time I use a hot tub from now on. Good. I was looking for a way to spruce up my casual lexicon. Thanks Mel and foreign lady for being so totally right on.
On a kind of a side topic, this is probably by far the most the word “Jacuzzi” has ever been written in any single article or piece not written specifically by the Jacuzzi company. It’s a mysterious and soulful word, innit? Is it Italian? Japanese? Tatar? The world may never know.
Okay, I gotta bounce, kids. I’m leaving in about forty minutes for a big family trip and we’re going all over to see all kinds of parents and grandparents. I’ll be gone for two weeks. Updates will be sporadic. You’ll all go crazy and try to eat each other. But don’t do that, Dogs Of War. We’re carrying the fire, and we don’t eat people. Dig? Good.
Now get out there and go to Jacuzzi!
Let’s rap soon.