Thursday, July 15, 2010

I! DON'T! WANT! YOU!

I am so fucking pissed right now. My god. I can barely breathe. God DAMN it! This morning, just now, my wife went to Jacuzzi and she didn’t blow me first. I’m livid. I should burn our fucking house down. I’m so fucking nice and I let her sleep and this is the thanks I get? What kind of rapable floozy just sashays around in provocative clothing (like that green thing she was wearing yesterday? [Hello!??!?!?]) to and from Jacuzzi without blowing their husband first? Answer me that! Excuse me. I need to catch my breath.

Okay, I’m calming down a bit. I’m just gonna hit her with a bat and then burn the house down and then probably have a few cocktails and take a nice relaxing drive in the hills. I’m gonna find a woman that knows her fucking priorities. They will go: 1) Blowing me 2) modesty, and THEN 3)Jacuzzi. I don’t know what I was thinking with this woman.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of hearing the latest in the epic “Mel Gibson’s flushing his public image down the toilet like so many feces smeared condoms” series of tapes, in the newest one (which is awesome) he’s going full wolfman on his old lady because she wouldn’t blow him before she went to Jacuzzi (whatever the fuck that means). He’s so angry that he’s almost hyperventilating. It’s one of the finest pieces of entertainment to ever EVER hit the general consciousness. The best part about it is that I’m not even entirely convinced that he really wants the blowjob. It sounds more like he’s so furious with her for just going about her business (a little nap and then Jacuzzi) and he’s just kind of searching wildly for what she neglected to do so he can yell at her and he decides the lack of a morning beej will do nicely. What a crazy, lovable bastard!

I mean, a morning BJ is great and all, and I realize I’m no Mel Gibson or anything, but seriously? Is that something that’s so common in your household that its absence even provokes notice? If so, good for you, man. I mean, I’ve had my share of the morning beej in my time, but kind of in the same way that I’ve had swordfish. It’s great, and I’m familiar with it and I’d recognize it even blindfolded, but it doesn’t happen all the time and I’m certainly not surprised, nor do I even really notice when a day or even week goes by and I don’t end up enjoying any.

And the idea of yelling at a woman for not giving you a blowjob is amazing. That’s some serious hubris, man. AND, just so we’re full coverage on this thing, I don’t know when people started saying going “to Jacuzzi” but that’s awesome too. It’s kind of like going to yoga or something. It really implies that a lot of many splendored benefits can be enjoyed through the use and practice of Jacuzzi. I like it. I’m gonna exclusively say going ‘to jacuzzi’ every time I use a hot tub from now on. Good. I was looking for a way to spruce up my casual lexicon. Thanks Mel and foreign lady for being so totally right on.

On a kind of a side topic, this is probably by far the most the word “Jacuzzi” has ever been written in any single article or piece not written specifically by the Jacuzzi company. It’s a mysterious and soulful word, innit? Is it Italian? Japanese? Tatar? The world may never know.

Okay, I gotta bounce, kids. I’m leaving in about forty minutes for a big family trip and we’re going all over to see all kinds of parents and grandparents. I’ll be gone for two weeks. Updates will be sporadic. You’ll all go crazy and try to eat each other. But don’t do that, Dogs Of War. We’re carrying the fire, and we don’t eat people. Dig? Good.

Now get out there and go to Jacuzzi!

Let’s rap soon.

xoxoxoxo

30 comments:

Katie said...

The worst (read: best) Mel Gibson rant quotes presented by kittens

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/the-13-worst-mel-gibson-rant-quotes-presented-by/

Jayzilla said...

wait -- do or dont eat each other?

Kevin Burnett said...

@Jayzilla....let's go to Jacuzzi and eat someone else (out?)

Heave said...

This, "an adventurous, outgoing person with a strong interest in learning about science and the world around her or him, plus the ability to write very well about your experiences. Ideally, you're also the web-savvy sort who can keep your thumb out of frame when taking photographs." http://www.msichicago.org/matm/ , sounds just like the thing for you Mr. Kelly. You might not be able to talk about felching, but again maybe you could.

Sickie27 said...

I know first hand that Jayzilla will mos def eat someone. It's pretty scary.

Yesterday I said I'd come see TLA within an 8 hour radius of Atlanta. I just now saw the lineup for Riot Fest. So. I guess I lied yesterday. But after going all that way I better get a morning beej, Brendan.

Toto said...

@Katie : fucking hilarious!!!, best website ever.

吳婷婷 said...

卡爾.桑得柏:「除非先有夢,否則一切皆不成。」共勉!..................................................................

Sean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean said...

I got a morning beej today, so I guess there won't be any beating until tomorrow.

... snicker.

Candice said...

so wait, morning beejs AREN'T the norm?

Owner Operator said...

great the road reference. we'll keep carrying the fire buddy. how good was the movie. iw asnt too excited for them to ruin the book. but they nailed it man. it was hella good. werd

Robb said...

Trash Humpers

sheila said...

JAY! i love how your avatar gets all stretched out and makes you look like that guy from Beetlejuice...you know, the one that the Deetz's meet the first time the go to counsel...yeah, that guy that it is implied that he has been run over by a car or something?...yeah, that's what your avatar looks like ;)

Chad said...

Does this road trip include any stops in Corpus Christi?

Andrew said...

candice i know this rug has been beaten more than mel's wife (probably) but seriously - why can't more women be like you?

i'd kill for a morning beej right now. or a noon beej. or fuck even a "i'm drunk lets get this over with" beej

林秋萍林秋萍 said...

謝謝您的分享~~好文值得收藏!!............................................................

陳彥祥陳彥祥 said...

天助自助者~~大家一起加油!為了更好的將來!............................................................

Sean said...

goin through post-withdrawal over here....


anyone get their Riot Fest tickets yet?

Word verification: brotatio

Definition: the lead character of a Shakespearean play, sponsored by Affliction.

Toto said...

yeah candice, we need more women like you. i spent the whole night drunk trying to get this one girl to like me and i ended up listening to "hey pensacola wings" and "disaster march" on repeat, alone, on my way back home and now i'm here drunk as hell and i don't even feel like jerking off, now i feel fucking useless.i'm fucking angry, i just want to burn something up and run and kiss somebody and cry.

Toto said...

i love being drunk and writing on here.it helps, it's sad, but it helps.

Robb said...

Chad frankly your perseverance has won me over. In time I feel Prince Kelly will come to view 'the cattle rape state' with renewed vigor. jk I know that's Nebraska

Candice said...

http://www.metalhammer.co.uk/news/brokencyde-arrested-on-drug-rape-child-pornography-charges/

shocker!

Toto said...

after that 0-4 we suffered in the world cup i think i hate toby's shirt on jbtv's last episode.

Robb said...

Excellent tidbit candice, went on and forwarded that to punk news. I admit I hope this isn't quite the end for brokencyde as I was secretly hoping they'd eventually write a song about electronic cigarettes. When our e-cigs are on they glue blu at da tips/fuck these chubby rednecks and their tuh-baccy dips etc etc

limited nobility said...

when something sounds to good to be true...........I mean danzig of love,james hetfield being dead etc............

Robb said...

Yea nevermind, fake: http://mahoonews.com/1261/brokencyde-arrest-story-is-fake

莊雅和莊雅和莊雅和 said...

天下沒有意把鑰匙,可以打開所有的門............................................................

sean said...

no matter how drunk ya get, ya still got the herpes

Sickie27 said...

This shit rules:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWtEntWejOU

Andi said...

I'm really starting to resent this post... every time I see the title, I know I'm in for another boring defication.

Any of you socks have a recommendation for a substitute poo blog?