So yeah. It’s Monday. This weekend found me editing a movie and seeing a bunch of Canadian grandpas play aggressively weird music better than anyone else on earth could ever hope to do. I had a wonderful weekend where I made the seasonal switch from vodka to whiskey, which is always a special day of the year and I balanced that out with a trip to the apple orchard with my kids.
Funny place, the apple orchard. Turns out it’s full of hillbillies and ugly fatsos and shit. The shirts on motherfuckers alone were worth the price of admission (which was a buck). “I’m having an out of money experience’ says this fat woman’s lime green triple XL shirt. “No money, no car, no job (thank god I’m so good looking)” said the jersey of a teen father with a goatee and some of those gold chains that you get in the red, turn-the-knob-for-a-quarter vending machines in the vestibule at the grocery store. I saw a real live juggalo and more people around my age identifying themselves as “grandma” than I’d ever thought possible in one place. It was a right crazy scene, bro.
My kid got to pet a cow (which was actually a request he’d made on the way to the orchard. “Cowfarm?” He asked. “Pet cow?” “uh…not sure there’s gonna be any cows out here amongst the apples, buddy” was the response. Well, there were cows, and he got to pet the shit out of this one. Nice one.) Also we saw some pigs. Not just the human kind, either. Real, honest to god pigs. They were cute as shit (they were referred to as “puppies” by my kid) and we generally had a pretty good time. Oh, did I mention that the orchard was plumb out of apples? Yeah. No apples. My kid wanted an apple and he ended up with a donut. That’s parenting, folks. Good, responsible parenting.
So, after this blissful weekend of productivity and family goodness, I get here to my desk, plug in my information machine and the first item I read is about the German Chancellor deciding that immigrants in Germany need to learn to speak German and adopt Christian values, which, uh…really? That’s the position that you’re taking, Germany? Hmmmm.
I mean, there’s a few issues hear that bear addressing here, right? Like, for one thing, no one even speaks German in Germany anymore. Walk through the mall and every sign for every store is in English. Talk to any German over the age of thirty five and they’ll tell you the same thing: the German language is dying. Germans learn to speak English from the time they start school and god knows that most people I’ve encountered in Germany speak better English than me. If there’s a linguistic issue in Germany, it’s not primarily the Turks coming in and refusing to learn German, it’s the Americanization of every aspect of commerce and social interaction that’s been put in place in order to raise German kids in a world where the notion of speaking German seems more and more useless.
But that’s relatively minor compared to the uh, other issue that this whole thing raises. Namely, um, Germany, you guys think you’re really ready to get all serious on your religious minority that’s ‘overrunning’ your country? Didn’t that move not really work out so well for you guys not that long ago? I mean, I dig. I’ve been to Germany and it’s very nice. The women are beautiful, the beer is delicious. Sausage is a main thing that you eat. There's old lady shit-fetish-gangbang porn. There are clubs where you can just go put on a leather hood and fuck random people. There’s great art and architecture from all over the world (almost as thought someone went around the world and took whatever they wanted and then brought it all back to Berlin or something) It’s a paradise. But Germany, bro…learn from the past and all that. I mean, saying things like “Multiculturalism has failed in Germany” is pretty serious and extremely myopic and well…just a little bit reminiscent of something that I can’t quite put my finger on right now, but let’s just say it seems kind of fucked up. Can we all agree on that?
Besides, hands down the best looking woman I’ve ever seen in Germany was a Turk. She had a monstrous nose and was the bartender at some club we played a bunch of years ago. That’s really neither here nor there, but just saying. Lay off the Turks a little. They’ve got those fucking shwarma stands and shit. That’s delicious food. It goes wonderfully with DAB. That’s multiculturalism at it’s best! It’s not all fussin and fightin, is it?
I dunno. After that trip to the orchard I see the argument for cleaning up society a little bit, believe me. BUT, I’m not sure that Germany’s thought this one through. Or maybe they have. They’ve presumably learned from past mistakes, right?
Oh jesus. Probably shouldn’t even go there.
That reminds me though, I think “Donkey Shame” is a great name for a band. Thoughts?