Thursday, January 13, 2011

Fuck madonna...she's a dick

I have a distinct interest in the buzzards. You may know them as heshers or burnouts or even (and here come the terms that are not really appropriate) the stoners (too vague) the metalheads (too specific) the losers (WAY to vague) the longhairs (too vague) and so on. I call them buzzards. We’ll get into why in a second, but first, lemme tell you what a buzzard is:

A buzzard is a dude (there are technically probably female buzzards, but I don’t recognize them officially. Buzzards have female counterparts, but those females, in my working definition are not themselves buzzards. They’re girls, after all, and already there’s something in femininity that transcends buzzard-dom. Besides, it’s kind of part and parcel with the pathos of the lifestyle that it’s a necessarily male phenomenon. Too many women around and well…you’ve got a society, and while I guess that buzzards have women to get handjobs and stuff from, I don’t know, it’s the difference between being a beat cop and a detective or the difference between being a gun and a bullet….is this sexist? I don’t know, we’re talking about buzzards here and sexism will play a large role in any such discussion, as it does in any discussion about [for example] 80’s sunset strip glam metal or 90’s gangster [er…gangsta] rap. Anyway…) that usually, but not always has long hair, and usually but not always smokes weed (and sniffs glue/dust off/scotchguard) and ALWAYS drinks beer and crappy spirits and hangs out behind the school smoking cigarettes and goes down by the drainage ditches in the woods and smokes weed and drinks beer and spraypaints shit like “Metallica fukken rulez! Chet’s a boner!” and shit like that onto the side of the aqueduct.

Buzzards smoke cigarettes and often are very skinny (though they can be fat, for sure…a sub-category of buzzard is the guy that sits in his parents basement all day smoking toothpaste and weed through his bong while playing videogames, blasting aggressive music and maybe even dabbling in a little role playing game or two…when a guest comes over, it’s not unheard of for these subterranean buzzards to pack the bowl of their bong for their guest with pubes and then cover it with a thin veneer of shake, thereby A) saving weed/toothpaste and B) getting a good laugh out of watching someone smoke his pubes [the damage to the bong is, to the subterranean buzzard, negligible]) and they often have long hair covered by shitty hats and they are usually white, though latino buzzards are growing more and more common (and awesome!). You get the idea. They’re the semi metal dudes that hang around getting high in the school bathroom and grossing out all the girls except for the one or two flies that circle them that they all take turns getting sloppy blowjobs from in the faculty parking lot. Chances are, they graduated a few years ago and are just waiting around for young buzzards to sell weed to/by weed from. They’re the guys that wrote “Zeppelin!” on the principal’s car. The buzzards. You know them.

Now, a buzzard, strictly speaking is highly regional. The term was coined in Elgin Illinois as a denotation of the heshers that come specifically from South Elgin (and I swear to god, this is 100% true). Look it up in the Urban Dictionary if you don’t believe me. South Elgin Buzzards are like champagne from the actual Champagne region, the real deal. Yes, buzzards can be from anywhere (though purists will argue this point to the death), but the true, blueblood buzzards are the south Elgin variety. They’ll always be the elite, as long as the South Elgin food and liquor mart up the hill from the gas station still sells 40’s, tallboys, lotto tickets and Marlboro reds and there’s still walls behind Larkin High to lean against and smoke(at this point, it bears mentioning that a buzzard is not just a highschool aged kid. Most buzzards develop in middleschool and fully bloom in highschool, but it’s not until after highschool and even into their thirties that a buzzard truly begins to come into his own as a seasoned and resplendent representative of the species. Maybe they work, likely they don’t work full time and by this point, they’re usually casually into speed as well, although a true buzzard can’t be TOO into speed, because that, by definition makes him a “meth-head” or a “coked out loser” which is definitively NOT a buzzard).

It’s important to note, at this point, that I’m not fascinated by buzzards because I like ‘slumming it’ culturally or anything like that. True, there are is a completely disingenuous buzzard revivalist scene out there that ironically wears jean vests and flipped up brim hats (which is, almost paradoxically, creating a new generation of UNironic buzzards, who see these ironic buzzards as genuinely cool looking…so if there’s something to be said for the ‘fake buzzard as cultural zoo field trip’ phenomenon, it’s that it’s repopulating a once endangered species with real, and highly authentic new blood) but I’m obviously not affiliated with that in any way. No, as a kid, I was always highly fascinated by the buzzards. Some of my heroes in middle school and early highschool wore leather jackets and flipped up brims. Some of them played flying v guitars and some of them even got me high and drunk for the first time and made me listen to ozzy with them (which kind of sucked, honestly…but what are you gonna do? We were spraypainting an abandoned garage, for fucks sake. What are we gonna listen to? Tchaikovsky?)

Anyway, I once rolled with the buzzards, and while I was never a full buzzard myself, I did have a pack of cigarettes, a bag of weed, long hair, a flipped up brim (with the word “INJUN” scrawled on it) a bandanna, a tall can of Colt 45 and a bunch of friends who were probably, long after I saw them last, probably even more bummed out than me that they took the caffeine out of sparks.

Okay, this is a rich topic I could talk about all day, but I gotta roll. Be careful out there, and hug a buzzard (or give him a smoke) today. It’s cold in the D, after all.

24 comments:

Danny said...

I don't know if you've ever been to Myrtle Beach (granted I've never been to Elgin, IL) but I can assure you, there are some buzzards there of the highest order.

Matt Ramone said...

When buzzards die, they go to Juggalo Island.

Daniel Gordon said...

Anywhere in Maine. 'nuff said.

limited nobility said...

My memory of buzzards is pretty much relegated completely to big brothers of childhood friends.They taught me what hangovers were post sleep-overs that they'd crashed around 3 A.M. and made me aware of the fact that It was pretty cool I knew of danzig but that mother was actually his "most faggy" song or whatever.to be honest,fuck those guys and the token fat friend's they rode in on(lotta hot dog/hamburger friendships amongst em).....haaaambuUUHgeer.....oh,and fucking bike thieves!!!!!

limited nobility said...

anybody else have the sneaking suspicion that matt ramone is 43 years old?

Jessica said...

yay!

dgibby said...

Being from South Elgin, most of these buzzards you speak of hang around the Gasthaus. Good people though.

chris said...

Holy shit my cousin is a buzzard and went to larkin and is your age... that is fucking hilarious

also bk...

TLDR... :P

James said...

too many parenthesisesuhs in this post. I got lost (only sort of, but still a little more than I would of expected (not that I expected a bunch)).

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Reminds me - I can't help but feel any time I see someone drop 'TLDR' on the internet that they're just being a complete fucking moron. (Not your use here chris, which i'll give the benefit of doubt was used facetiously, but when its, ya know, used in earnest). What are you, a pampered southern 14 year old girl? I "love" it most when it's utilized as a limp-dicked attempt to somehow "invalidate" someone's points in one fell swoop. "It was such a chore I DIDN'T. EVEN. BOOOTHER." Yes, you win, TLDR guy. You win. To the victor goes the spoils! O and buzzurds lols

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Fuck! Wouldve been funnier to say 'What are you, Bristol Palin?' Missed opportunities

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Here in London, we call your 'buzzards' "hot-rats"! Real fucking idiots, we are!

hypothetical jingle for some line of budget-priced 'gourmet' chocolates aimed at upper/upper middle class housewives not particularly affected by this economy: 'Sweeeet escaaaaaaaaapes from thiiiis ecooooo-noooo-myyyyyy~'

limited nobility said...

It's fucking hilarious how beex's go to (in bob barker's early 90's voice- "Handsome aaand snaaarky" visage turns to a good natured if slightly pedantic,secretly alcoholic female's so seamlessly when superimposed on ole puddleduck.......weeeeeeeeee maggie joan kicked the rickets

BEEXtrix Potter said...

(generic anthemic crunk-rap chorus reminiscent of one of Lil' Jon's lil' turds): Shut it down, shut it doooooooown/tss tss tss tss/shut it down, shut it doooooooown/tss tss tss tss/shut it down shut it dooown we shut dat sock draaaaaawuurrr dooooown tss tss tss tss x4

Keith said...

I thought they were called Chavs in england?

solarsonar said...

In Denmark they're called "Brians".

solarsonar said...

And in Australia they used to be called 'bogans' but now a bogan is something totally different.

The Fattest Santa said...

Haaaa! Hilarious. Larkin. Glad I'm out of there.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

So did that Trader Joe's vegan corn dog give you bafroom troubles or what? Left us hangin, yo! Is Trader Joe's the one that's run by Donald fucking Gibb of Bloodsport and Revenge of the Nerds fame, or is that Trader-somethin else? Seriously, that guy runs a surprisingly successful eatery/brewery/somethin in the Chicago area. Trader-somethin's

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

"I love anything full contact. I need a few more scaaaaaars on mah face" (menacing leer) lmao

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Awww I dun goofed! I didn't realize you had just tweeted that like ten minutes ago. Well? Yea you''re definitely purging your bowels right now

Robb said...

So I see where the other day Fat Mike cheekily wrote on your twitter 'How bout that comedy tour now'? I'd like to think it was I that planted the seed for that dream when I suggested on here way back that the two of you hit the road as a comedic duo (then promptly retracted that statement and suggested you were better off solo). I've since changed my mind again and want it to be the two of you once more

Robb said...

...I think I got it backwards. You were saying that to him. Yeah. I don't fully understand twitty, and don't much care to either

Tim said...

Chav is a COMPLETELY different thing, I would say closest british approximation would be a 'greeb'/'greebo'