Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A query for the dogs of war...

Here’s a question I’ve been pondering for a while: would you rather be the only straight male on a planet of nothing but gay dudes or the only straight male on a planet of nothing but lesbians. Now, keep in mind that this is a mental exercise, not some kind of dorky game where you attempt to beat the system, so that means that NO, none of the women will EVER find you attractive or kiss you or fuck you or become curious about being with a man. That’s not happening, and NO you won’t suddenly figure out that you just love cock. It’s this simple: You’re trapped on one of these planets, you’re never getting the kind of sex you want while you’re on it and you’re never getting off of it, but otherwise you’ve got a pretty normal life, the stipulation being you’re stuck on a highly specialized gay planet of your choice.

(Okay, to digress here for a moment, I find these fantasy-duality questions to be fascinating. The decision making that goes into figuring out the lesser of two evils and the speed [or reluctance] with which someone comes up with an answer says a lot about them as a person. The one thing that drives me so fucking nuts, however, is when someone tries to ‘beat’ the question. When I ask if they’d rather, for example, cook and eat their dog or fuck their sister, they say something like, “I’d rather cook and eat my HOT dog” or “Oh, fuck my sister. I’d fuck her out of like, five bucks! Ha! You weren’t specific!!!!” Ooooh! Good one. You found a [pretty questionable] semantic loophole in a question designed to pass the time and be an interesting and fun theoretical exercise and rendered it useless by being a dirty diapered pansy that thinks [falsely] that you’re some kind of mental Houdini. That’s lamer than cheating at solitaire. It’s not clever, it’s pointless and all it does is paint you as some lame ass spoil sport that doesn’t even have the balls and uh…dignity, I guess to say something like “Hey, you know what? Fuck your dumb questions. I don’t like ‘em,” which, let’s be honest, is also a move for total dilduses, but at least it’s not couching relentless babydom in the guise of being somehow mentally dexterous [all while sounding like a complete jackoff]. Know what I’m saying?)

So, now that my ranting aside is out of the way, back to the question: Let’s answer the big ticket item first: what about straight women? How come they don’t get to play? Well, if you recapitulate this question for straight women, you’d be the only straight woman on a planet of gay dudes or the only straight woman on a planet of lesbians, and frankly, neither of those is all that terrible. SURE, you wouldn’t be able to have the kind of regular sex you want to have, but you’d have (on either planet) tons of really good potential friends. I mean, on the gay planet, you’d be the ultimate fag hag (if you’ll pardon the vulgarity). Literally the only woman out there to rap about how (for example) “jim is hot, but just too strung out these days, right? Right. BUT, his living room is so well put together!” Shit like that. You’d get a lot of good attention and be very popular, as the gay dude-straight woman alliance is very strong. AND you’d be surrounded by people that weren’t gonna rape you or generally creep you out. That’s already a step up from this planet.

On the lesbian planet, things would be weird, but it’s a planet of women, so it’d be peaceful and full of crafts and dreamcatchers and shit like that and your boundaries would generally probably be respected and you’d get to have all that sort of sisterhood of the pants bullshit that seems to be popular with women but is completely lame to men. You get the idea. It’s not that good of a question to pose to straight women (it’s okay…but not great). Now, for straight men, whole other story (oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that there’s a total equivalent for gay women and men…but we’re living on that planet now, and most queer identified people have already lived a long moment or two where they feel trapped on a planet where they’re the only person like them, so yeah).

Anyway, here’s the general situation: as a lone straight dude on a planet full of lesbians, you’ve got a few things to contend with: 1) you’re kind of a zoo animal, in that you’re visibly different and casually interesting, but really not much else. You serve no real purpose other than maybe being kind of a quirky companion, not unlike being a pet flamingo or birthday clown or something. 2) Your desire to fuck these women would eventually top out at maximum insanity and you’d probably wind up either cutting your dick off, jumping off a cliff or assaulting someone, depending on what kind of person/monster you are. 3) You’d be stuck on a planet full of women. You know when you’re out and you’re trying to fuck someone and you end up hanging out with just them and their female friends? It’s maybe casually fun the one time. Maybe even twice…hell, maybe you become legit friends with the whole squad of girls and you’re the dude that they refer to as “one of the girls” and you even LOVE that…it’s still not hanging out with guys. You know? It’s not the same. It’s not worse, but there’s just something about being the only one of a gender in a room that’s weird after a while, and after a while of being on some planet where you’re the only dude in every room, you’d get a little bummed if for no other reason than you’d be completely marginalized all the time.

Also, the only sports would be women’s basketball and women’s tennis and women’s hockey and women’s football and softball and gymnastics and shit, and since you’re already walking around on like defcon 10 for horniness, you’re probably not watching gymnastics or tennis, which leaves you with really crappy choices (sorry ladies). Yeah. That’s the main set of problems as I see it with the lesbian planet.

Plusses on the lesbian planet include peace, personal safety, kindness, pretty girls everywhere, and you probably don’t have to tip very much.

Now, the gay planet would be a depraved party the likes of which I don’t really dare imagine. You’d be marginally interesting as a straight guy, but you could probably just blend in and pretend to be a gay guy as so not to get uh…raped, which is what men do to people (don’t believe me? Look at prisons. Look at police blotters. Men are the rapists, pretty much in the vicinity of all the time. On a planet of nothing but men, gay or straight or some third thing, there’s gonna be rapists, and if you’re the only dude of your kind, be you the only gay guy on a straight planet, or the only straight guy on a gay planet, some asshole’s gonna decide it would be rad to stick his dick in you regardless of how you feel about it. It’s an ugly truth. Sorry). Now, you’d think that would be the deal breaker right there, eh? But let’s just keep going for the fuck of it.

The dude planet is probably full of all sorts of monuments to depravity, like glory holes and octagons and places that want to get you falling down drunk and it’s probably a violent mess of a place (to reiterate: this is NOT because it’s gay dudes, it’s because it’s men in general. Men are depraved. That’s just how it is.) There would be no women, which would suck, and urine and blood would be all over the place.

That said, the sports would be good, you’d have a lot of dudes to hang around with, there’d be glory holes for when the loneliness got the best of you and uh…well, I think you see where I’m going here. I’m picking the gay planet.

Yeah, it’s scary and messy and it stinks like piss and all that, but you know what? I’m a man. I’m scary and messy and I stink like piss (not really, ladies) and since I’m definitely not getting laid on the women’s planet…let’s say that I’m not having ideal sex on either planet just to keep it simple…since either way I’m not having anything even remotely close to my ideal sexual experience, I’d rather hang out with the dudes. I guess that’s all there is to it.

Sorry lesbians, I love you too…but you know how it goes. I’m a guy. And, probably you don’t really want me on your planet anyway…Eh, I guess maybe I could play you music. I mean, on the gay planet they’ve got Elton John and Crudos and all sorts of rad stuff. What do you guys have? Indigo girls? KD Lang? Tracy Chapman? Hey…as much as I love “fast car” I think I’m sticking with the planet with the Scissor Sisters and the Alkaline Trio.

xoxoxo

44 comments:

Craig said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Timothy said...

In one of Chuck Klosterman's books he started every essay with a hypothetical question like that. Nothing really along the lines of sister fucking or dog eating but they were still pretty fun.

Craig said...

I'd go lesbian planet. I can get by on lesbian porn in a pinch. Assuming that's trying to beat the question, I'd still go planet lesbian. I'd rather live in solitude than get raped/treated like a piece of meat.


I don't care about sports so that isn't much of a loss, but I'd think the planet of gay men would be more likely to have gymnastics.

crazycarl said...

fuck yeah crudos!

Donnie said...

I'd go with the lesbian planet...

Being in a gay fight club has no appeal to me (now that I think about it fight club was already pretty gay without having to call it "gay fight club"). Oh, and which planet gets to listen to Cyndi lauper?

Ps- is this Slapstick show being taped by Asian Man because a dvd needs to be made?!

Kevin Burnett said...

ZIng!

chris said...

...and if it is you want me to step on the cables and fuck up the sound like the last show?

dustyfloors said...

Such a tough call.
I think I'd have to go lesbian world and just feverishly whack off. Constantly adding things to the spank bank while traversing the lesbian wonderland.
A world with no women whatsoever I do not think I could handle...

FranklinStein said...

Hmmm, just because gay men are so delicious, I'd go with the Gays Gone Wild World. While the prospect of getting raped makes me shudder, the idea of hearing "ohmigod that's so delicious" 24/7 puts a HUGE smile on my face and therefore compensates for notion of getting pounded against my will. Yeah, I love hanging out at gay bars.

laurabm said...

On the lesbo planet you could be the donor father of millions of lesbo couple's babies- by way of turkey baster. And it would also be over run wth cats and yoga. The gay man planet would be full of toy dogs and yoga, but no children what so ever- eventually it would empty out.

Matt Ramone said...

As a straight guy, I'm going with the gay dude planet. If there were no women around, most of the guys on the planet would chill out. No one would buy fancy sports cars to impress someone, no one would care if their furniture was third hand, no one would throw out a perfectly good shirt just because it has a pinprick hole in it. Also the rock music would be WAY better. Sleater Kinney aside, lesbians just don't rock. Also, hours of drunkenly watching the LOGO Network has convinced me that gay dudes are just better at making TV than lesbians, so there's that.

On the other hand, on the lesbian planet, the timber industry wouldn't collapse and they would at least make porn I could watch. That and I could actually go into a cafe and get something with carbs in it.

Stereotypes are like play doh for grownups.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Matt - uhh, wha? The straight man's inherent desire to impress women is surpassed perhaps only by the gay man's desire to impress other gay men. So yes, the poo-pooing of third tier furnishings and disposal of otherwise-good shirts with pinprick holes would be going on in full effect. And I'm not sure where you get the 'great music' notions. There'd just be a lot of "3 OH! 3" n shit on the airwaves. Uh oh didnt really think that one through, did ya?

M. T. Harper said...

Lesbian planet for sure.
At least on Vaginus, I assume it's called Vaginus, someone'll be able to open all those pickle jars.

(Nobody gonna field that Uranus joke waiting to happen?)

squelch84 said...

I love that your first two music references are:

1) Elton John
2) Los Crudos

Speaking of Crudos... Martin Sorrondeguy sighting at the Fireside a few weeks ago, btw.

Daniel said...

“Vaginus”, haha.

Matt Ramone said...

Martucci

Not every gay guy is a preening, squealing queen from Bravo. For the most part, men are men and do not give a shit abotu stuff that doesn't matter.

Sean said...

yea, I agree with Laura.... being milked like a cow by a gaggle of lesbians and (presumably) paid for it WOULD be pretty nice.


It might get weird that all further generations would be my descendants though...


But then again, the question of "whose gunna pick me up and use me for tonight" would probably get me through my day to day...

Toto said...

i would definetively go to Vaginus, at least i still have long nights of masturbating and looking out the window (i know...ughh....).

since sex is vital , insanity is granted on both planets but on lesbian planet i guess it'll come a little later.

but i'd still miss Los Crudos, Limp Wrist and Alkaline Trio

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Ohhh, thanks for settin me straight (!!) with the 'real talk' Matt Ramone! I wasn't just havin some good ol' fun with broad stereotypes, or anything!
P.S. Please do educate me in "the true powerz of street knowledge"...you self-righteous self-parody

House said...

Martucci really needs our help guys. He's in a bad spot. It seems his well of cleverness and humor is about to run dry. By all means, speak your mind in this "drawer" and maybe that will be the catalyst for more inane diatribes that nobody gives a fuck about. My goodness, for somebody who throws the word "faggot" around, he seems like a huge cocksucker. PLEASE HELP HIM OUT!

Michael said...

^^^ sick fucking burn.

Blake said...

I think I could turn gay if I lived on Gay Planet.

Does that make me gay?

Daniel said...

defcon 10 is actually no threat at all bk, the threat level descends

i'd pick the lesbian island, i could whack off all day and get off on them looking at me in disgust (see: video of that dude whacking it at beach) also prefer hanging out with the ladies, always more laughs

if there was high quality feminine lady boys on gay island though i could make it work

Jamie said...

If a man lived on the lesbian planet, would he be driven to rape out of sexual frustration? Does every man (or, woman even) have it within themselves to rape in desperate situations of sexual deprivation?

Drunken Acorn said...

BK have you been reading Y: The Last Man comic. Same thing happens where a plague simultaneously kills anything with a Y chromosome (males) and this dude Yorick and his pet monkey are the only male survivors. It's a pretty good read.

I think I'm gonna have to go with the Lesbo Planet too, gay women are better then no women. And at least you got Lesbo porn.

Daniel said...

you could always kidnap one to your underground rape dungeon

Nick said...

Was that an attempt at a joke, Dan? Ugh...

T.NERB said...
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T.NERB said...

I'm already on both planets. I live in Los Angeles. Everywhere I go, I see nothing but gay dudes and hot girls that I can only dream of fucking (not really, but I'm sure this statement would be the case for most of you. nah mean?).

Toto said...

i've been giving this a lot a thought ( get a life dude...)and i definitely choose lesbo planet.

plus the sperm bank idea could make you a millionaire, but i wouldn't really know what to do with all that money since men want money because they want girls (not too sure about that, but not that far from the truth)

i know i wouldn't care to be a hobo if there is no women around to fuck, who fucking cares if i'm all dirty and smell like shit? i wasn't exactly taking showers for the guys back on my planet you know?

the lack of women to fuck could easily be the downfall of capitalism as we know it.

ok, enough of this stupid shit, too much beer and pot tonight, and Home Alone 2 is on he Tv, and that movie is fucking depressing so i won't watch it, but i like that "maculey culking whatever" guy, my dog wants food and i'm too lazy right now, i need a real job, i wish i was at some beach, one of those nice beaches with clear water and cool fruity drinks with umbrellas, anyways, at least i'm happy i'm not Michael Douglas, that guy must be a dick, i'd hate to be Michael Douglas, seriously, is he aware of his shittyness?? he looks like a rapist, or a serial killer, but the kind of serial killer that rapes you first and then kills you (serially).

Toto said...

ugh...sorry about that

Banana@1000MPH said...

what about a world where you can only cum from fucking a really sexy horse or one where you can only cum from fucking one of those sex dolls? Keep in mind, on both planets everyone else gets to have normal sex, but you are stuck with one of those two curses. Fucking a horse, at least you are fucking something alive, but the downside is you are probably raping it. Fucking a doll is just kind of weird and creepy, but you could potentially just never let it slip...although since no one else has weird fetishes or whatever, they wouldn't be manufactured, so you'd have to build it yourself by somehow knowing that's what you want to fuck.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Remind me again, House, exactly what you've ever contributed to the ol 'drawer'? Seems you kinda just recently came on the scene with the sole "lofty ambition" of being the fly in Robb's ointment or something. Color me impressed! Truly a dazzling "range" you've shown thus far! I'm also pretty certain 'diatribes no one gives a fuck about' would describe all blog comments to ever exist. Get fucked, is what I'm getting at I suppose.

Hamilton Martin said...

sorry guys, i was just jamming out to some 'fast car' and i forgot all about the question. I think I'd have to go with the lesbian planet. lesbians are hot, and i've been living off masturbation so long that the sex i want isn't really any kind of deal-breaker anymore. As for LOGO, why the hell do they play Reno 911 10 times a day. There's two gay characters on the show, one is predatory and in-the-closet and the other is a roller-skating prostitute. Worst two gay stereotypes you can have but they play it like its their little baby that they're proud of

Blake said...

Hamilton - I think it's because improv comedy in general (not that I don't like it) is kinda gay.

Sean said...

hahaha House, you rabble rouser.

Jesus said...

Lesbian planet, for sure. At least once I befriended a couple I could watch some live action porn. Being a voyeur in manland just doesn't sound appealing.

limited nobility said...

lesbo planet.Since I could (sorta) thwart the system in cocksville by getting my non-gay schwance milked in restrooms Im assuming in the all lesbian place I could be all -"Is this not theee most amazing strap-on you've ever seen!!""NO?!Oh,I meant life-like not ya know,size.......Ah,just give it a fucking go Leslie (lesbian of lowest I.Q.!!).........plus porn,tranquility etc.....Mann,That house seems like a reeeaaaall Michael!

limited nobility said...

NO!!!ALL!!

Joshua said...

are you the the 21st century reincarnation of Kant, bk?

i have some thoughts: 1. lesbian planet and id rape hot chicks, but thats fucked and id end up in a lesbian prison and id get raped. not so fun. 2. lesbian planet and at least there will be some whores so i can watch lesbian porn and catch a lesbian sex show and jerk off. but that might be outside the scope? 3. gay planet and just find a really fem dude that wants to be a chick and hook up with them. at least im not taking the dick in that scenario.

its a tough question. and as someone above mentioned about living in la, yeah, that is almost true. i have lots of good gay friends but i cant imagine getting laid in that group setting. and there are plenty of times when i go out and dont score a hot chick cause im trying to keep my standards up. which lasts a few weeks until i need to bang a chick and i get drunk and bang the chick that will leave with me. i wouldnt say la is THAT close to the question, but the similarities give me a chuckle.

Kyle Milton said...

I might have to go with gay planet and here's why.

At first I was leaning towards lesbian, thinking i could get by solely on masturbating (which is basically what I do on THIS planet.) But sex isn't EVERYTHING. I mean think about the other parts of your day. "God put the toilet seat down, you're the ONLY MAN." And you know how girls who live together eventually get their periods at the same time? That means that once a month the whole FUCKING PLANET will be on their period. These girls would start to piss me off after a while.

so on the gay- lots of gay men shave all their hair off and dress, talk like women anyway. I mean in the dark will you REALLY know the difference? And I'm going to go on a limb and throw this out there - shemales. They would be on the gay planet right?

It would just be more fun, less arguing, nagging etc and the music would be better
Every band on the lesbian planet would sound like 'Bikini Kill.'
Does this post come off as chauvinistic?

Dissent said...

laurabm has a point, if you're on the lesbian planet, you're the sole holder of actual sperm (assuming the lesbians use IVF to impregnate themselves). So maybe, MAYBE you could convince some lesbians to let you deposit your man juice into them via boning. Thus you could possibly get the sex you want. Is this cheating?

Daniel said...

Lesbian planet, dude. I already hang out mostly with cool chicks, some of whom are hot, most of whom won't fuck me. So it wouldn't be THAT different from reality. And I'm straight enough that I'd rather jerk off to my hot lesbian friends than fuck dudes.

Chachi said...

Lesbian Planet, I'd be questing to find the amish Lesbo's whom I'd assume would want to have their children the "Natural" way as opposed to artificial insemination. Don't know if that would be "cheating" to happen. But at least I'd have hope, and adventure.