Tuesday, February 8, 2011

tiiiiiiiiiits!

Recently, one of my tweetards (if you’re on twitter at all, you’ve probably noticed that all the really good celebrity accounts [snooki, perfect example] feature little terms of endearment for their followers, and that these terms of endearment are almost always ‘tweet’ based puns…and I’m nothing if not an amazing celeb tweeter, y’all) turned me on to the website isanyoneup.com. and I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty amazed by the whole thing. It’s left me deeply shaken and confused, but I guess at the end of the day I back the whole thing. I guess…Hard to say. Okay, let’s start at what little I can glean from my perusal:

At first glance, Is anyone up is a fairly typical blog not unlike guess her muff or is she filthy (RIP) that features random naked chicks. Nothing weird there. I mean, something like 64% of the internet focuses on the successful pairing of tits/pussy and honestly, when I get to a website DEVOID of female nudity, I’m a little disappointed. Anyway…

This website also features a pretty sizeable helping of cock in the mix, which is cool. I’m into dudes showing off their junk, if for no other reason than it’s pretty hilarious to see the shots that a guy picks as representative once his dick is out. It’s pretty much all focused on how good his dong looks in the picture (um, it’s always gonna look funny), and this can be at the expense of him having his gut grossly bunching up or a completely weird look on his face…whatever. It’s pretty amusing to see dudes whipping out their dongs, period, but in a situation where they’re attempting to be sexy for anyone other than other dudes, well, uh…heh.

Okay, so that’s the main gist of the site. The pictures, it should be noted, are almost all self portraits, taken with cel phones and/or with laptop cameras. It also becomes apparent after a little looking around that while a lot of the pictures are sent in by the people in the pictures, a lot of them seem to have been sent in by other people, as in, I send you a pic of my tits because we’re fucking/having flirty times via cel phone, you send them to the website just to kind of be a cocksucker and then I send them that pic of your wang and boom! We’re both on this website where kids communicate through a whole series of misspelled words, acronyms and strange (third party, pirated, non porn) pictures that I’m aware enough to realize are part of one of a few pretty large memes, but not really into enough to see the humor in. In short, the whole thing seems kind of cruel and dumb, but there’s two points that make this fascinating:

1) The people on the site don’t seem to find it to be cruel or dumb. In fact, what started out as a guy posting stolen and repurposed private beav shots (the legality of the whole thing baffles me, but they’ve got a legal section that they claim absolves them from all uh…I dunno lawsuit type problems? Seems like it’s gonna fuck em in the ass, but what do I know?) has now turned into chicks and dudes sending him pictures. They whole thing is wildly popular and it bears mentioning that the dude that runs the site is probably up to his ears in pussy, he’s got tons of uh, ‘fans’ and they all operate under the same general pretenses which are: ‘we dont spell or punctuate or capitalize and we leav the last letters off words and use tons of acronyms LMAFO’ and ‘getting naked on the internet is awesome, and it doesn’t REALLY matter if that picture was supposed to be private as long as the commenters think I’m hot” which leads me to the second reason that this website is so fascinating:

2) I’m clearly old as shit, because none of this makes any sense to me. I look at all the misspellings and the uh…I guess ‘betrayal of trust’ (though that’s a highly fruity phrase that I don’t like using) that’s fueling this site and I think that it’s a depraved fucked up world of mongos, but then GASP!!!! Isn’t that what my parents thought about the shit I did when I was a kid? Isn’t that the eternal struggle between young and old? Isn’t it that VERY NOTION of not being able to realize when something’s dumb vs. just fun or something’s ‘how shit is’ vs. ‘depraved’ that makes people old and square? I mean, at the risk of answering my own rhetorical question, um…yes. It is. I mean, it’s become clear to me, via this website, that I’m completely out of touch. I’ve been respectfully asking for pictures of your cans/snizz/piece for years, and sure, I get one here and there, but this guy just started taking em without asking, and now he can’t update his site fast enough, there’s so much tang in his inbox. I guess that’s the way you get shit now. You just take. Wow. It’s cold in the D, folks.

I suppose it’s kind of a weird parallel to how I don’t illegally download records, not because I’m terribly opposed to stealing (I do it with porn) but because when I started consuming records, I had no choice but to buy them, and so now when I think about getting a new record, I think about buying it, because I KNOW HOW to buy records, and I don’t know how to download them. I know it’s easy and I could learn, but what the fuck? It seems like something I should just buy, I always have.

BUT, I talk to some of my friends that are in their early 20’s and they’ve NEVER bought a record. EVER. That’s the way it’s going. Those people would never just start paying for something that they’ve always gotten for free. It’s a totally, totally different set of rules, and I guess maybe that’s what’s happening over at Is Anyone Up too…it’s a whole new world of getting shit for free and kind of being rewarded for taking that I don’t understand, but I guess I’m not really supposed to. I’m just a desiccated grandpa that has let the world pass him by.

Also, it bears mentioning that a lot of the dudes who’s cocks are featured on this website are ‘famous’ but I’ve never heard of any of their bands. I mean, I would guess they’re bands from New Jersey and Orange County based on the haircuts and humongous amounts of tattoos on these people (which is a whole other thing…these kids are covered. Their dicks, tits, faces [faces!], throats, hands, fingers…I mean, I’m not some square that’s worried about them getting a job someday [never gonna happen by the way], I just think it’s crazy that you’d cover your whole body at such a young age. What about later on when you want to get a tattoo and the only place left is under your nutsack? What about the fact that your whole body is gonna be a walking, talking ode to the aesthetic sensibility that you had when you were 22? It seems a bit crazy, but again, what the fuck do I know?) but I’ve never even HEARD of these bands and I’m guessing that they’re pretty popular. They pretty much all look like they’d be in AP, if they’d put their dicks away.

What the fuck happened? I used to know what was going on…I used to be with it, but (to paraphrase Abe) they’ve clearly changed what ‘it’ is…WTF? LMFAO. LOL. Sigh…

Tits? Send em in. Fuck…I’ll post em. Is that what you people want? Where’s my cane?

25 comments:

T eee said...

My brother is obsessed with your band and he suggested I check out your blog. Very funny. Have you considered the color scheme? That yellow-on-mustard is tough on the ojos. Please don't be offended, I am an amateur pundit.

6b7a6aac-33a2-11e0-9c73-000bcdcb5194 said...

I'm only 20, and I feel the same way. When I was a youngester, the state of affairs was such that seeing a chick's tits that is your age was a pretty big deal. Sure you could go watch some 34 year old broad play with her silicone engored tits, but peer tits were a rareity. Now there are tons of sites with uploads of private webcam videos and webcame websites (stickam, motherless, omegle) where chicks are hanging out in groups (slumber parties?) fucking around on camera (literally and figurativley) all showing their tits to some random stranger on the internet. At at this I can't feel but help that teenagers have it too easy.

dustyfloors said...

I love and fear is anyone up at the same time.

Jesus said...

Me and my roommate totally got a girl to show boobs on Chatroulette last night. True story! All those dudes sitting around with no shirts on might be on to something somehow.

Eric said...

i got to see voodoo glow skulls guys dong! yay!

Matt Ramone said...

Just put "Dicks" on your new record as a three part song cycle opus and all your oldage will be forgiven.

Matt Ramone said...

And "oldage" was not a typo. It's the new Descendents song.

brent said...

http://www.isanyoneup.com/2011/01/who-would-you-rather-4/#comments

This link features my best friends two most recent ex girlfriends. He did not have anything to do with this little "competition" getting on the website. I'm thinking Jen (the one on top)did this as she is all over the comments at the bottom. The comments are amazing, by the way. These girls have apparently both been around. I was not a fan of my friend dating either of these two girls as he comes from money and I believe these two girls were there for the perks of that. Either way, I was blown away when one of my friends sent me that link. It's mindbottling to say the least.

Sean said...

i love the color scheme...

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Jesus - I encourage you to cruise chatroulette wearing only your blue joojeetzu belt; ladies can't resist. Here in london, we call rabid joojeetzu fandom 'Asperger's syndrome'

limited nobility said...

ah fuck it,once more!..jesus,has an erudite older gentleman(Ian Mckellen type)ever duped you into posing nude for a series of erotic photos that he claimed were meant to "celebrate the male form".Ya know,maybe a professor who feigned interest in your short stories and gave you occasional "extra attention"?I'm just(still) picturing you in a pelt of some sort grunting and glaring at the camera,swinging an imaginary "c-caveman club" as the Ian type exclaims-"Why jesus my boy,you look positively primordial"!!...You just have a vibe...."dis is uuuh,a c-caveman cluuub"!btw,you have to put the musings of the alpha male or whatever back up.Now!!

limited nobility said...

? duuuude ?

Jamie said...

http://nymag.com/news/features/70977/ Hey! Check out this article! It is depressing!

Robb said...

Wow...how mildly amusing is it that when I read all this talk of 'guys in shit bands' all over isanyoneup I just pictured the music vid for Attack-Attack's 'Somethin-Somethin', ya know the one where they're all synchro-headbangin' out on some ranch, and, lo and behold, a member of..Attack Attack graces the front page of this flash-in-the-pan, ephemerally popular aborted fetus of a website. That's some galactic pooooooooooooooo

Robb said...

Galactic poetry sounds like the name of a Jamiroquai b-side

Banana@1000MPH said...

Um, I've never heard of most of these bands either, but I just saw a guy with Leftover crack lyrics tattooed around a deer on his chest and his dick has tattoos on it.

Also, these pictures at the ends are really bothering me because I don't understand them at all.

limited nobility said...

Imagine that half-hearted token soul song spoken word intro-"girl/we riding shootin stars/whoo look,there goes mars/lemme "space out" for a minute here baby...break ya off a little bit of this...galactic poetry".with some kind of 'trippy" vocal effect when he says the song title.jamiroquai that kind of group?seems like it.....holy shit,the latest arrivals record!!!real jam filtered through orgcore before it was called that thing going.so,very good!

clotheshunger said...

i totally agree with what you said about kids getting tattooed too quickly. a friend of mine got one arm completely covered in less than a year when he was 20 & i was like, "dude, what if you think of something awesome you want tattooed when you're 40 and you have no room left?" that's what i worry about myself, never regretting the tattoo itself. it's why i haven't gotten anything on my arms yet. it's prime real estate, dood!

clotheshunger said...

also, is anyone up is just funny. it didn't freak me out at all. chat roulette is scary as shit.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Isanyoneup sure does suck, buuut a free Tweet idea: "Maaaan when did Amber Tamblyn become so utterly gross and unappealing (127 Hours!!)? I guess bein in a committed relationship w David Cross'll do that to ya!" ..your 'tweetards' (jesus christ) will luv it!

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

clotheshunger - Does your friend work at one of those independent 'local favorite' brick oven pizza joints? And have a facebook/myspace profile that cheekily mentions "servin' up pizza to assholes" for occupation? Fuck those guys

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

heeey, another tweet idea!

"Maaaaan, ya know those (jaded orgcore slightly-paunchy but reasonably-fit brick oven pizza kitchen guys I just mentioned)? Fuck those guys!"

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

...Admittedly, that second one would be extra-subversive since its sure to personally offend a sizeable portion of your tweetards! But, again, fuck at least 60% of your fans, from what ol' badsandwich has shown me

sg1414 said...

http://mirrorchicks.com/

BEEXtrix Potter said...

...thanks for that "gem" of a find, sg414! How did any of us ever get by without softcore, non-explicit self portraits of insecure, vapid mainstream gals in vaguely-suggestive poses that are barely sufficient to get even today's crop of 13 yr old males hard? A breath of fresh air!