So, today I’m going into the studio to do an exclusive demo for a 7” that I’m trying to get out this year (before my record comes out, which, thanks to circumstances beyond the control of anyone isn’t gonna be out ‘til 2012) and I’m pretty excited. I wrote the song yesterday as a sort of exclusive B-side which will also attempt to bridge the gap, soundwise, between what this new record is about and the stuff I’ve done in the past, while also serving as a bit of a quick, dirty microcosm of the whole new project. The song is about crimes, which is fitting because my whole new record is about crime. In honor of this excitement, I thought today I’d go over a few crimes and talk a little about them. You guys in? Cool. Let’s get started.
Drunk In Public- Being drunk in public is awesome, but the actual crime ‘drunk in public’ sucks. Here’s why: If you’re getting arrested for being drunk in public one of two things is happening. Either you’re so drunk that you’re completely shitty to be around or some asshole cop is thumping his dick all over you for no good reason. For these reasons and more, drunk in public is a shitty crime. However, there is a silver lining: Dudes like the Situation tend to get a lot more drunk in publics than dudes like, er, say me and once you’ve seen the hottest, sluttiest chick in the place creep to the bathroom to suck off the Situation-esque dude (thereby ruining both of them forever) it’s kind of nice to see that dude get hauled off screaming, makeup smeared, sparkly shirt all twisted around, into a squad car for one too many vodka redbulls. Call it gioia maligna if you must, but whatever. Fuck em.
Breaking and entering- This is a good, classic crime. It’s scary as shit and it has the advantage of being violent and emotionally traumatic even if the victim isn’t there and you don’t ever actually touch anyone, which is a nice touch. Of course in pretty much all circumstances, you’re a HUGE cocksucker if you break and enter. My friend had someone break into her house and the person or people who did it just smoked her weed and took a dump without flushing. They didn’t steal anything. The cops said that it’s extremely common for break-ins to culminate in a left behind dump. Which, eeew. Pretty much the only way breaking and entering is cool is if you’re young, attractive and desperate and you’re looking to get revenge on, say an evil drug dealer or something. Which brings us to:
Drug Warehousing: This one’s weird because it’s the kind of crime you’ll go to jail for the rest of your life for, but it’s so benign it’s not even REALLY a crime, except that it involves knowing criminals. Essentially, you just have to have a place where the bad guys (dealers, producers) store the shit in the meantime. So if you’ve got a big garage, you can fill it with bricks of cocaine and be a drug warehouser and then go about your day being the kind of guy who waits for stop lights to turn green and donates to the church and stuff. You’re a law abiding citizen with a storage space. You don’t sell or produce drugs, but man…if they find that shit, you’re NEVER gonna wear anything but a jumpsuit for the rest of your life. One time, Chris and I were in NYC at this random party and after a while, it came out that we were at the house of a drug warehouser. We were also high and some guy just came up and said, ‘did you guys smoke that shit downstairs?’ and we were like ‘uh…yeah?’ thinking he meant the weed. But then this other guy said ‘no, not them…they didn’t smoke THAT shit’ and gave first dude a really weird, stern look, at which point Chris and I completely lost our shit and took off running. We caught a cab and cried all the way back to our hotel. True story.
Drug Dealing: Well, this one’s weird, because dealing supports cartels and murder and the breakdown of society and all that, but a good drug dealer provides a service that a HUGE percentage of people are interested in and if you’re doing it well, you’re really taking on a lot of risk so you can get other people (including very good people) things they desperately want. Now, keep in mind I’m not talking about drug PUSHING, which I don’t actually know anything about beyond what I’ve seen on really hamfisted shows for kids. Does drug pushing exist? I’ve been around some drugs in my time and while I’ve been pressured by peers to try things they were trying, I’ve never in my life come across anyone from above trying to force me or encourage me to do any drugs. No one’s ever given me the old “hey bro, the first one’s free” routine. Does that happen? I kind of doubt it. I’d say the only situation where a drug dealer becomes a pusher is when he’s trying to get into a girl’s pants and he uses the drugs as a bit of a gift because he’s got nothing else going for him, so he’s like “come on baby, take a hit. It’ll get you real high and loosen your inhibitions” just because it’s only if she LIKES the drugs that she’ll like him. Otherwise, uh…he’s just a creepy pud with a shoulder bag full of jail time.
I doubt SERIOUSLY that anyone is so motivated as to attempt to get people hooked on drugs just for the profitable months that will come their way before everything goes to shit and the cheeseburgers and dicksucking bartering starts, but I don’t doubt even for a moment that people are so evil that they’ll get someone super fucked up and do anything necessary, regardless of morality in order to fuck them. Which leads us to:
Rape- Bad crime. There’s no way around this one. It’s always, always bad. Even when they got Gaddafi, who’s a despot to be sure, I was okay with the killing and the swarming, but when they stuck the knife up his ass, I was like “ugh…that sucks.” If what you’re doing makes me feel bad for Gaddafi, well, it’s a bad crime. It’s no less bad if it’s your wang and it’s a passed out person who’s just barfed on the floor or someone who’s too fucked up or small to fight back, by the way. Jesus…this is depressing. Let’s move on to murder and lighten the mood.
Murder- Murder is like the Michael Jordan of crime. It’s THE crime. There’s no crime more definitively ingrained in our mind as Crime than murder. Murder, in some circles, makes you cool. Fuck, in TONS of circles it makes you cool. Strangely, murder is so ubiquitous that we give it different names depending on how much we want to celebrate it. Really bad murders are ‘slayings’ or ‘murders’ or ‘assassinations’ but really great killings are ‘take downs’ or ‘critical hits.’ Unlike rape, murder isn’t always bad (or even crime). It’s probably always bad to watch, but it’s easy to see a circumstance where a murderer (say, a billy the kid type or even a combat veteran), can be seen as a hero or a good guy, but you don’t ever see a Hollywood movie where they attempt to get you to root for the rapist.
Mugging- Mugging sucks ass, especially if it’s violent, but in a technical sense it’s a pretty good crime. It’s got all the trappings. You get out there and assault and steal and maybe wear a mask and you run from cops and you make property values plummet and so on and so forth. If you’re into the art of Crime, then you can’t go wrong with mugging. In conclusion, mugging, bad time, good crime.
Shooting the shanty towns full of nerve gas- Who among us hasn’t gotten drunk and fired off canisters of nerve gas at the unwashed hordes and their dumb tents made out of old boxes and diapers just for kicks? I mean, what the fuck, right? Don’t be such a mom.
Jaywalking- Stupid crime. I hate jaywalkers, but I do it too and I hate cops that fuck with jaywalkers even more. When I first met my wife, she had just gotten a jaywalking ticket in LA. I found myself strangely attracted to her outlaw ways. Heh.
Anyway, there are a lot more crimes. I didn’t even get to sodomy (awesome when consensual), mailing scabs over state lines (despicable in almost every circumstance) or flashing (eh, depends on who you are and who your victim is) but I’ve got lots and lots of songs about all kinds of crimes. I can’t wait for you to hear em.
Be safe out there! This world is crawling with assholes.