Tuesday, November 22, 2011

a foreign national's guide to the traditional american thanksgiving feast

Well, international readers of BSC, thanksgiving is upon us and as always it’s this time of year when depressed American losers such as myself sit around and listen to everyone carrying on and on about what they’re thankful for. In just two short days, we’ll all come together and stuff ourselves full of shitty foods that we seem to recognize aren’t that good 364 days of the year. The object (and I’m not making this up) is to make yourself so full that you become hugely uncomfortable and eventually pass out in the vapor of your own gluttonous sloth. A true thanksgiving victory is only achieved if, after your nap, you go back and pack more food into yourself. The farting gets pretty atrocious, honestly.

The food, it should be noted, is not only unhealthy but also prepared in such a way that encourages rabid gluttony. This is particularly interesting because the ACTUAL items being prepared (let’s just go with the basics: turkey, potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans and cranberries) are extremely healthy (the exception being potatoes which are neither healthy nor bad for you in their natural state…like brandy). HOWEVER, these items, once thanksgivinged become some of the most deviant monuments to slothful corpulence ever assembled on one table. Let’s examine, eh?

The turkey: Turkey (no skin!) is one of the healthiest meats out there. It’s lean, it’s packed with protein, it’s gross so you can’t eat too much of it. It’s practically a superfood. On thanksgiving this cannot stand, so what do we do? Well, we stuff an entire turkey with a mixture of bread, eggs and meat and then smear butter all over the skin so the skin itself becomes crispy and even MORE deliciously bad for us (Some Americans, not content to stuff the turkey with such mundane items actually stuff the turkey with a duck that’s been stuffed with a hen that’s been stuffed with ham [I am not making this up]) . We cover the turkey with various fatty drools (gravy!) and shovel it down by the bucketful. But hey, if you’re gonna go crazy on something on thanksgiving, make it turkey. It’s still healthier than everything else on the table and it won’t be as awkward as going crazy on your creepy uncle that used to make you shower with him.

Potatoes: Potatoes are so often made into unhealthy treats that it’s tempting to suggest that the potato itself is unhealthy. It’s not. It just tastes terrible unless you smear it with grease and butter and lard. On thanksgiving, America has taken it a step further by not only mixing potatoes with insane amounts of heavy cream and butter, but also liquefying the mixture into a smooth consistency that could be consumed with a straw. There is nothing as completely emblematic of the fallacy of the healthy American diet as a gigantic pile of buttery mashed potatoes covered in gravy being greedily inhaled through a straw by an obese four year old boy. I don’t know if that happens (it probably does) but it’s not a stretch to imagine it, is it? That means we’re doomed.

Sweet Potatoes: These are a real genuine superfood. Good thing we cover them with butter, sugar, honey, cinnamon and a fucking LAYER OF MARSHMELLOWS before we serve them. Yes, this shit is delicious. It’s the best vegetable preparation ever. But when this is the healthiest thing on the table, it’s a lot like looking around at your new roommates and deciding to share a room with the rapist because he seems the most sane and at least he seems to shower every once in a while.

Green Beans: We put the green beans into a casserole dish. We cover the greenbeans with cream of mushroom soup (cream, mushrooms). We cover that with some indeterminate little deep fried crispy things that can’t possibly have anything to do with the natural world. This is technically eating greenbeans. It’s also technically picking around greenbeans to eat mouthfuls of heavy cream-soaked little crispy things.

Cranberries: another ‘superfood’ (I hate that term by the way. Broccoli used to just be something you should eat because it’s a green vegetable. Now, we spend so many meals eating flaming hot cheetos and twix bars and shit that the natural benefits of a regular old vegetable have been somehow elevated to super human. Nice. [I love flaming hot cheetos and twix by the way]). However, you won’t really recognize your little buddy the round, berry-esque cranberry on the thanksgiving table. No. In fact, all that’s left of the cranberry is a gelatinous mass that is shaped exactly like the tin can it came in and sliced into discs. This is another one of those items that could be readily consumed with a straw if you felt that lifting and lowering the fork was too much work.

Of course, after all this come the pies. Pies are SUPPOSED to be bad for you, so I’m not gonna really waste time admonishing everyone for having pies. Pies are okay. My wife makes a pumpkin cheesecake that will melt your dick right off. It’s so spectacularly good. One slice contains the annual caloric intake of a typical Darfurian too, so it’s PACKED with energy. In fact, if you don’t go run like, seventeen miles (or hectares or whatever) right after you have a slice, you can actually sit there and watch your dick disappear into your expanding abdomen.

Well, that’s all, internationals! I hope this little breakdown was enlightening. You all have a happy, regular old ho-hum Thursday while we here in America prove, once again, that as long as we’re the fattest we are the best. USA! USA!

xoxoxoxox

22 comments:

Robin Yourgrave said...

Unconventional Thanksgiving this year is a go for our tribe. Last year we ate to the point of vomiting. Literally. Not pressing repeat on that one.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Hehe aww goddamnit Beex! With the general tone of this entry you've fashioned an irritatingly inviting (entitling?) atmosphere for the unfunny dildos that seem to comprise the overwhelming majority of your international readership to yet again take dull, uninspired potshots at the culture most of them, for better or worse, attempt to emulate even more than they spitefully insult...hehe! Honk-honk! hehee! Honly-haawwwwnky~! Tee hee hee! Honk-haaaawnk~! lmfao

Duncan said...

To be honest, if we had Thanksgiving in the UK, we might have slightly less coronary-inducing food, but it would all still end in a massive drunken family fight - just like Christmas!

Dana said...

super funny!

jbody said...

what martucci said plus cinnamon and honey are kinda superfoody too dummy.speakin of potshots how bout that juan manuel marquez eh?I had him by three rounds at least

jbody said...

"mellow on the mallows" worst hypothetical song from the next nofx leftovers comp?

Blake said...

Don't forget deep-fried Turkey: The leading cause of emergency room visits on Thanksgiving. Please, folks, thaw your bird before dumping it into a giant vat of hot oil.

Anne said...

Martucci, you're right. Most of us do hate on you guys and it's hypocritical. But then I'm married to a yank, so I'm a sympathetic unfunny dildo. But I'm not taking your comment personally. My mother-in-law will be winging some fabulous insults my way on Thursday. I can't feckin wait. Yeeehaaaaa

Nico said...

In SA, sweet potatoes cure AIDS.

Robb said...

Think anyone's just taken shit to its logical conclusion with 'Thanksgiving Pie'? Just taken all the glazed ham and turkey and oyster casserole (ewwww!) and desserts and pies and kinda muddled it into a biiiig ol' casserole and baked THAT all into a pie? Boy I'd like to shake that gross fucker's hand. Guess if anyone's done it, Paddy has.

"Little Pilgrim Cunt-y Pie"

Navi said...

Grew up in Canada across the river from the States & celebrated Thanksgiving by fucking off from work/school/obligations & watching football while being gluttonous.

Now I moved to the interior of Canada and it's a regular boring ho-hum day like you described.

This sucks.

BEEXtrix Potter said...

"Blessed be this, our Faggot's Pie/catch a Stouffer's in your eye/and when the wine doth runneth dry/confess to caress of thine cousin's thigh"

Kevin Burnett said...

I hope you all enjoy your day off from work at the gas station/factory/gloryhole/all-male gangbang, etc etc.

Kyle Ratzenberger said...

Kevin ya fuck! It's me, Kyle! 'Rimber when we used ta fish down at Mudgulley Pond? 'Rimber when we touched dicks after watching The Dirtbike Kid? Boi dose were da days!!

Kyle Ratzenberger said...

How's old redheaded faggot Matt Dixon? I heard his head was finally consumed entirely by his upper back/shoulder fat back in '08 or so!

Anne said...

Shit the bed Rachel, you didn't tell us that gay sex was an important part of Thanksgiving in the blog. After reading the comments, I've come away with a whole new image of Thanksgiving. Phwoooosh.

Sam Cook said...

Brendon Kelly. I want to have your adopted babies.

Hamilton Martin said...

Robb, KFC has heard your wish and next year the 'thanksgiving bowl' will be unleashed upon the world

Jeremy Hollinger: Consummate Purfeshinal said...

Yall wuts that song where its kind of an 80s thing, and the chorus is this jungle call, kinda like a, a tarzan goin 'Whoooa whooa whoooa-ah-ohh-ah-ohh-waaaah-oooh-ohhhhhhhhhh', and it's reeeeal annoying, but then it's kinda catchy. And one of the verses is like, 'In the niiiight..', and I think its shown up in everything from listerine commershuls to that third ninja turtle movee. Well anyways, what's that song yall? What's that song? Cum awn now I know goddamn well a few of you assholes have encyclopedic knawlij a this sorta thing. Name that tune, seagull sam

Jeremy Hollinger: Consummate Purfeshinal said...

If it actually has the name Tarzan in the title I just may hafta go take a shit on the driveway

nouseforamonkey said...

Tarzan Boy by Baltimora, some shitty Italian disco band.

Have fun pooping in public.

Sara said...

I like to share all those things with our country and with other who are not from here too. Because we have to share with everybody to learn and join from and to the community like this one which we created on chat if you can get a whats app download
you can joins us.