the secrets of my success

Okay, hi everyone! Thanks for all the great letters. I’ve got to head to work soon, like I mentioned in the last entry (Suck Me Beautiful), so I’m unfortunately not going to have time to delve into all your various depravities. Fear not, though. I’ve compiled the first of what’s sure to be many lists that will help you all navigate the storms and doldrums of life.
Okay!
Ten ways to get a chick to blow you. (Guaranteed!)
1. Make sure some part of your dick/ballsack is exposed, or poking out of something at all times. This is a big turn on for chicks. It’s the male take on cleavage or ass cheeks.
2. Act pathetic. Chicks love whiny dudes who drone on about how the world is unfair and crushing them. Dedicate some really crappy obscure indie rock song to them at the bar, or better yet, play it for her yourself on an acoustic guitar.
3. Sometimes the direct approach is the best. “These balls ain’t gonna gargle themselves” is more effective than you might imagine.
4. talk about who you know. Even if you don’t know anyone cool, make it up! “Yeah, I was over at Dave (Grohl)’s house last night shooting pool with Joe (Francis [of Girls Gone Wild])” Just insert it into your convo casually, and before you know it, you’ll be in heaven
5. Talk about how well read you are, right off the bat. Be condescending if necessary. It’s important to let her know how much smarter you are than her.
6. Act like you care about animals and flowers and dumb shit like that. Coo at a baby or something.
7. Casually drop this into a conversation: “Man, I love eating pussy. I could do it all day, if I didn’t have to work.”
8. Wear lots of rings and necklaces. Also, groom your facial hair meticulously and make sure that the ladies can smell that cologne. This shows you care about taking care of yourself.
9. If you’re black, act white. If you’re white, act black. If you’re Latino act Asian. If you’re Asian, (and I’m including the subcontinent here, guys) act black. This scrambles girls’ circuits, and drives ‘em absolutely wild.
10. If you've tried everything else, and nothing is working, be a celebrity. This never fails.
Okay, there you have it. Write in and let me know how it goes! Happy hunting.