The Trial of the Century!!!!!

I think that really when it all comes down everyone has the same dream and that dream goes something like this: “Man, when I finally get to a point where I’m set and I don’t need to deal with all the bullshit I’m dealing with today, I’m gonna go tell every last person that ever motherfucked me to go sit on a dick.”

Now, most of the time people never arrive at that point and on the rare occasion that they do, usually they’re so stoked that they don’t waste their energy telling old bosses and naysayers and so forth to go fuck themselves. Which is exactly why watching Casey Anthony’s lawyer’s remarks to the press yesterday was so fucking awesome.

Now, let’s get a few things out of the way: that lawyer dude looks evil as shit. He looks like the kind of guy that sits around and smokes cigars with Dick Cheney and makes jokes about the death toll in Iraq while stoking the fire with his discarded Thai child hookers. He looks like George Lucas and generally does NOT embody my notion of a ‘cool dude’ by pretty much any standards I can come up with except for the fact that he completely fucking went for it and told the world to suck his dick on national tv the first chance he got. I really respect that.

For those of you who missed it, this dude, his name is Cheney Mason (fuck, he’s even got the same name as old Six-Hearts-Dick), went out to confront the press immediately following the Casey Anthony ‘not guilty’ verdict and he essentially walked out, gave everyone a real shitty look and then said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “Fuck all of you. You cocksuckers walk around blabbing like you know what the fuck you’re talking about when you clearly don’t. You’re fucking lawyers for Christ’s sake! You’re supposed to respect the process but instead you spew your ‘expertise’ all over the dumb tards that watch your crappy programming and you condemn the defendant in MY CASE based on evidence that YOU DON’T HAVE ACCESS TO and now look. You dumb cocksuckers were all wrong and I’m right. Go fuck yourselves, I’ll see you in hell. Get fucked. In conclusion, suck my balls.”

It would be easy to dismiss this as the ranting of an evil man who’s constantly shitting on others, making the world generally lamer and constantly droning on to everyone how right he is if not for one simple fact: He’s totally correct. He’s 100% right. Sure, I thought that Casey Anthony was probably guilty, and I was almost sure she was gonna get charged with some form of murder/manslaughter/child abuse/whatever. I also truly believe that from what little I know about this case, she had a pretty rough uphill battle to fight to not end up full of lethal injection. I mean, lack of evidence (notably cause and time of death) notwithstanding, she’s a crazy slut mom that partied for a month after her baby daughter was dead without letting anyone know, made up a nanny that didn’t exist and then eventually wound up face to face with the mutilated and decomposing corpse of her kid that she (or someone she knows) had duct taped up. Pretty fucking weird, man.

That shit is all pretty indisputable. That means that pretty much any jury, any group of even halfway reasonable people are gonna be predisposed to hate her, and with good reason. She’s obviously a nutty bitch and more than a tad insensitive. The fact that the jury is pretty much letting her walk is testament to the effectiveness of the arguments, and like it or not, that’s kind of the way this shit works.

Now, I’m not saying that I think that she’s guilty or innocent. I don’t have any idea. I DO know that I see people on the interwebs saying things like “well, sure helps to be cute and white in America” and well, of course it does. It SURE does always, in pretty much any circumstance you can drum up (barring situations like being in jail or being caught out late in a fucked up neighborhood or being cast in an interracial gangbang) it helps to be cute and white in America. But the thing is, you know who’s cuter and whiter than Casey Anthony? Her daughter. The corpse that’s all decomposed and wrapped up in duct tape. You know who curries sympathy better than anyone in this fucked up land we live in? Little white girls.

I know firsthand the effect that cute white baby girls have on people. They’re room stoppers. It’s mesmerizing, and there’s no way, since the cute white baby girl is gonna stay dead either way, that Casey Anthony’s own cute whiteness trumped her daughter’s and made people just decide that she probably needed to just be free and get on with her partying. It doesn’t make sense. The baby is far and away the sympathetic character here, not the crazy-as-shit slut mom.

So she was acquitted and now everyone is super pissed, talking about how justice wasn’t done and all that. But what I don’t get is how everyone knows. I mean, presumably the jurors were regular people who actually watched the whole trial and didn’t need to rely on the legal versions of Glen Beck or Keith Olbermann to get the synthesis of what was going on. They, like you, like me, probably don’t like Casey Anthony and think that what happened to her daughter is gross. But they were there to hear the whole thing and found her not guilty, so how the fuck does this loudmouth dipshit that I’m friends with on facebook who can’t stop running his mouth about his outrage have some sort of inside information that they don’t have? How the fuck is he so sure that the jurors are dumb and were duped and that the prosecution is corrupt and so on and so forth?

I mean, righteous indignation is an irritating character trait to begin with, and this shit is really bringing it out in motherfuckers and it’s bumming me out. Because here’s the thing: She’s gonna get pregnant again. Give it a year, tops. She’s gonna get pregnant and then this bullshit is gonna start all over again. And you know what? THEN it will be fine, because I think that even if she didn’t, in fact murder her daughter, tape up the eyes and the mouth and dump her in the woods (though, honestly I’m kind of with this asshole on facebook…how exactly did she not do that?) she’s still a crazy unfit mom who should be sterilized (for fucks sake, I need to show ID and answer questions to get into Canada but all this crazy bitch is gonna need to do to have another kid is find a dude who’s just drunk enough to bang her but not so drunk that he can’t blow a load) but she’s gonna have another kid. I would be willing to bet all of you thousands of dollars that within 2 years (max) she will be pregnant and back in the headlines (if she’s not just straight up killed by some angry mob in the next couple of weeks) because people are furious that she’s having another baby. Nancy Grace will explode.

Which is why I don’t want to focus on any of that shit. It’s gross. Party mom is gross. Dead kids as entertainment is gross. Guilty or innocent, it’s all gross. Dumb self righteous assholes getting all pissy all over the internet is gross, but that dude coming out and doing the old upper class professional version of "fuck all you assholes. fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you. Goodnight. Kiss my ass" was pretty awesome, even if he does seem like a cocksucker. He’s living the dream, and today I bet he’s booking a trip to Thailand where he’s gonna drink margaritas and fuck little kids til the cows come home, and then he’ll probably eat those cows and drink their blood.

Ah, I don’t know. Maybe he won’t drink the blood. It’s all idle speculation. I thought that was what we were all doing now, right?