I think of all the really cool things I could do or say, then you go and you tell me that you found out dean was gay...

Okay, man. What the fuck? Do you people think I have nothing but time on my hands? This is ridiculous. Oh sure, blame it on the internet and the general culture of depravity that we’ve fostered here in cyberspace! Blame it on divorce rates and daddy issues if you must, but know, Sock Drawer, KNOW that I blame you. Of course I’m referring to isshefilthy.blogspot.com. One of you socks turned me on to this one yesterday and FUUUUUUUCK. How am I supposed to get anything done with that website out there, man? I mean, shit, look what time it is! Okay, quick primer: Is She Filthy is set up a lot like guesshermuff, in fact, if it’s not set up by the very same people, it’s set up by seriously uncreative impersonators. THIS website’s little ‘game’ involves you guessing if the girl in the picture is ‘filthy’ which, in the context of the website seems to mean ‘sexually active’ (spoiler alert: The answer is always yes) and then clicking on the link to see said girl, oh, I don’t know…hogtied and buttfucked with big red handslap prints all over her ass and thighs, just for example. It’s captivating, I’ll say that much for it. Anyway, I don’t know what it is, the presentation or what, because it’s so much more compelling than just regular pornography. It’s kind of this real impressionist storytelling. You see one person in two various states and there’s this little connection that my brain tries to make as far as what happened between the pictures. I don’t know, man. That’s pretty philosophical for porn, I guess, and lord knows I’m no Nick Manning (DROPPIN LOADS!!!) Let’s just suffice it to say I’m thrilled and disgusted at the same time. Okay, enough of my life has been wasted on this thrilling website already. On to bigger topics.
Yesterday, late, someone posted in the sock drawer looking for advice. It’s pretty funny, I think, so I’m gonna give it a whirl. Here goes:

Q
So there's this girl, I've known her since 6th grade, we dated for 3 and a half years from when we were 19-23 and I treated her like shit. I cheated on her frequently. I was not a good person, at all. I broke her fucking heart.__Since we've been broken up, we've always fooled around still when we were both single. But since about January she's been in a long distance relationship with this guy (he lives in Oregon, we live in Minnesota).__Needless to say, this guy hates me. Because, while I did pretty unforgivable things to this girl, she forgave me and we have remained best friends. We talk every day and still hang out once every couple weeks. Her boyfriend hates the fact that we're so close and is insecure.__He has every right to be, because, while at first after they started dating, when her and I would hang out, it was obvious there was sexual tension, but we never acted on it. Then a few weeks ago, I was coming off a pretty hard night of drinking and was at her place recovering from the hangover and we ended up sleeping together.__And then she got a call from him that same day and he broke up with her. He didn't even know that her and I were hanging out right then, he was just generally unhappy in the relationship. She was devastated and asked me to stay the night. Which I did. But the next day they got back together and she told me that we could no longer be as close as we were because she needed to try to make it work with him.__That was all fine and good, and at first we were more distant, but the more we hung out and talked, the closer we became again. After we got drunk together at a Lucero show the other night I spent the night over there again.__The next morning I left my phone there and she went through it and found some texts I had sent to a booty call I have. And while she knew about this girl, seeing the texts in print was too much for her to take. She just told me that she only wants to talk me once a month and only to hear that I am doing all right. She says she is going to move to Oregon at the end of July and is probably going to marry the guy out there. She says she doesn't feel about him, the way she did and does feel about me, but she's just not willing to get crushed again.__I don't want her to go. I have been trying to get her back for the past few months. But I know I fucked shit up in the past, and I feel like I owe it to her to let her go and to just see what happens. What should I do Brendan? Did I blow any chance of getting her back? Is it hopeless? Be as blunt as possible.

A
Dude, you know exactly what’s going on here, okay. You’ve been manipulating this girl successfully for a while now, and there’s no reason that I can see that you should stop now. You obviously like doing it, she obviously likes you doing it. What’s the question here? This seems less like a quest for guidance and more like a proclamation of awesomeness. You’re fucking STOKED on yourself and your dick sharing ways and this chick’s goofy drama. This much is very, VERY clear in this letter. And good on ya, man. I’m not here to judge. Someone in the drawer wrote in some sort of reply that’s like “just let the poor girl get her life together and be thankful she doesn’t hate you!” But that’s really missing the point here. She’s obviously got self destructive tendencies, and masochistic tendencies (why else would she go snooping through your text history?) and this dude obviously has a love of exploiting those tendencies. What’s the actual question? Can you get her back? Yeah, sure. Seems like you’ve already done that more times than I’ve toured Japan. Do you owe anything to her? Probably. Are you a dick? Most likely. Does any of this matter the next time you guys see each other and get drunk and end up posting pictures of it on isshefilthy.blogspot.com (she is, by the way)? Nope. Not even a little. I mean, what’s my role here? Should I say “nah, dude. Don’t go for it. Leave the poor girl be”? Are you gonna listen to me? No. and if you do (which you won’t), the second she gets drunk and texts you, it’s all gonna go out the window anyway. At this point your behavior and her behavior are so molded to each other’s various dominant and submissive tendencies, that she’s really gonna have to step up and get a sack to ever get rid of you. Is she gonna? Only she really knows, but I’d say that she’s all yours until that fateful day when she really, truly doesn’t want you around. At that point, you’ll just need to find another chick with low self esteem. Good luck.

Nerds, pussies out there. Take note. This guy uses the confidence method perfectly. Now, you don’t have to create a swath of destruction behind you, but if you employ my method of unflappable confidence, you’ll at least have the OPTION of creating said swath of destruction. We’re teaching powerful techniques here at BSC, mofos. Yeah. Okay, what else?
Ah, someone wanted to hear a good wedding story. Well, I don’t really have any, but my friend Sean Nader has a bunch. There was one wedding where by the time everyone got to the reception (which, if I’m not mistaken took place in the early afternoon) Nader was already shirtless and shotgunning beer. I believe he and his date (a dude, to bring it all back to yesterday’s advice concerning bringing a buddy to a wedding but not getting too fucked up) were actually both staggering drunk and shirtless and ended up fistfighting and getting kicked out. I don’t know if I’m telling this story entirely right, but I’m not far off. He’s amazing, ladies and gentlemen. Maybe I’ll talk to him and get the full and correct story for tomorrow. Hmmm…okay.
What else? Man, I got nothing. We practiced last night and I’m beat. All right, I got a lot of chicks to guess the filth level of before my baby wakes up. Good luck down there, Sock Drawer. See you tomorrow!