let's go dii-iiicks let's go!

So, as promised, today’s entry will deal with dicks. Dicks are funny. They’re not particularly attractive, but they have a certain je ne sais quoi that makes people think about and with them all the time. Dudes, in particular are infatuated with dicks. People will sit there and tell you that men only think about pussy, but that’s really not true at all. Even when men are thinking about pussy, they’re just thinking about how great a dick housing whatever pussy they’re thinking about would be. Don’t believe me? If you’re a dude, imagine your dick is cut off. Gone, never to return. Now, do you still want pussy? Or is it entirely contingent on having a dick? See. It’s dicks. You’re thinking about dicks. (ha ha! You’re thinking about di-icks!)

Size of dicks is an issue and again, it’s one that is REALLY only important to men. Women pragmatically assess a dick’s worth in much the same way that someone will determine (for example) how much potato salad to buy based on what they could reasonably consume before it goes bad. ‘That particular dick is too big to ever go in my ass” is something that women of a certain awesomeness think on occasion when confronted with a new dick. (of course women are happy to laugh at small dicks, but only if the dick in question is REALLY small, [like, the size of an eraser] or if they hate the dude the dick’s attached to and the thought of shaming him and his puny dong is recapitulated as some sort of move towards empowerment).

Men, however, exist in a strange world of black and white where big dicks are important and better than smaller dicks. You know who complains about/makes fun of/obsesses over small dicks? Dudes. Not women. I mean, sure, women maybe DO have something to say on the subject now and again, but not on even remotely the scale of dudes. Dudes are disproportionately obsessed with dick size which, if you’re not gay (and honestly, gay dudes really, truly have the right, if not the duty to be somewhat obsessed with dicks. They’ve got em, the people they want to fuck have them. Everyone has them. They’re a big deal. In a world where everyone’s a dude, the dick is crucial, bro) seems like a strange thing to be obsessed with. It becomes disturbing pretty fast when you really stop to consider the amount of daily thought that men give to dicks. But HERE’S the funny part:

What other measurement on the entire earth is tallied, recorded and deemed acceptable/shitty completely exclusive of the surrounding environment? If I said my house had a five foot long back deck, that doesn’t mean much. You need to see the room it comes off of, the outside area it opens onto etc. If I said you had ten minutes to wait, if that’s at the doctor’s office, no big deal. If it’s to get a nine piece mcnugget, that’s a long time, if it’s before this gang of dudes stops beating the shit out of you, that’s an eternity. But with dicksize, it’s just straight up, uh…is it at least 6 inches? No? then it’s small. Doesn’t matter if you’re Shaq or Tom Cruise or Meatloaf or Peter Dinklage. Doesn't matter how deep or shallow the accompanying vagina is. Dicks have a cosmic measuring scale which surroundings have no bearing on. Behold, the mystery of dicks.

What a hilarious weirdness. To summarize, with a few exceptions, women don’t even really truly care much about dicksize, but men are obsessed. The best part is that most men don’t have big dicks. That’s just the way it works by definition. The adjective “big” is specifically designated to denote dicks that are more than average. Average is, again, by definition, not big but for some reason having a big dick is a big deal. It's odd. As someone with a giant dick, I can’t begin to fathom why anyone else would desire this curse. Whenever I bang my wife it’s nothing but teary eyed orgasms and entreaties to stop, no, keep going…You guys out there with your pin dicks are lucky.

Uh, wait…is this thing on?