POP QUIZ!!!!!!!!!

Would you rather kill a hobo, but no one would ever know about it, or NOT kill a hobo but have everyone in the world think you had? I’m talking your parents, your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend best buds sisters…EVERYONE is POSITIVE you killed the hobo and there’s just no way you could convince them otherwise. What would it be? Here are some things to keep in mind.
1. You would not go to jail, either way.
2. You can not be black out drunk or any such thing to prevent you from remembering the hobo slaughter.
3. There is no third choice.
This is an ancient game that was developed by people who sit in vans/on busses for epic stretches of eternity to pass the time. It’s intended as a test of morality and/or world view and hopefully, it gets to the core of you, the answerer, as a person, at least a little. For example, in the above, we’ve got a hobo…he’s old and drunk, probably already completely numb…He’s not benefiting society in any way, in fact some would say he’s a defective and offensive part of society (though I would disagree, just for the record), and certainly, since he’s already out there, being a hobo, no one would miss him were he to suddenly be bludgeoned to death with a large soup tureen, just for example. It’s a victimless crime, unless of course, you count the hobo himself.
The downside is, you have to stand there and take a human life. AND you have to do it without the benefit of ideology, fear or any sort of concept of ‘otherness’ and those ‘others’ intent to harm the people you love (which are, as per my understanding the three things they drill into you to make you a killing machine…make you love the guys you’re out there with, tell you how the enemy hates them, repeat that you’re fighting not only for your family, freedom and country, but also for this guy next to you and his little kids…if you fuck up, hesitate for an instant, it’s old Ox here that dies, his little daughter that cries etc…). You just have to stand there and repeatedly stab that hobo with a cheese grater until he dies, (just for example). BUT, you get away with it…that’s cool too. People like getting away with things. I have personally stolen things I don’t need or even want just for the satisfaction of getting away with it (anyone need a patio couch?). So yeah…there’s that.
But there you are in bed with your boyfriend, and you’re hugging him and he tells you you’re so sweet, and all you can see are those yellow hobo eyes, pulled taut with rheumy fear…the three teeth, just dangling there as he screams “DO YOU GOT ANY MORE CIGARETTES?????!!?!!!!!!” as you bring the iron down on his neck. That’s gotta be rough…
On the flipside, the other choice, where everyone thinks you’re guilty though you’re not, there’s the personal satisfaction of having never killed a hobo, which I hope most of us already possess. BUT, the stigma would be brutal. Have you ever been innocent of something that everyone thought you did? How long before you began searching your mind to determine if perhaps it’s YOU who had it wrong? “Maybe I DID steal the tip off the table…Huh…I really didn’t mean to. And I didn’t THINK I did…Did I? NO! OF course not! Where’s the money if I did? These people are assholes!”
Something like this right? We’ve all been there. And listen, when it’s your poor old grandma calling you and saying “Katie, the neighbors are all talking about that hobo you killed. They say it was particularly brutal. I’m disappointed Katie. You’re out of my will,” it can’t feel good. How can you disappoint gam gam like that, huh?
Now, on the other hand, there will be people (horrible people) who will be stoked on you for killing a hobo, and if you can deal with drinking Jagermeister, openly mocking homosexuals, calling black guys ‘nigs’ calling Mexicans ‘spics’ (and on and on like this) and you know, high fiving about how brutal you were when you fucked the fat girl from the taco stand last night (“she had fear in her eyes! High Five!!!!!”) then maybe the celebrity of being a hobo killer is right for you. If so, hey, good on ya, but know here and now, I don’t like you. Sorry.
The real upside here is that you aren’t a killer at the end of the day, which is huge, but again, kind of small consolation when your entire world is positive you are.
I will tell you, I’ve asked this question a lot to people. Women, about 100% of the time pick option 2 and I think, (I hope) that any man that picks option 1 is just kind of goofing around and not taking the question that seriously…but you DO get dudes who say shit like “fuck it. Let’s kill a hobo.” You can just tell they don’t care…they’re not thinking about the question, which cheapens the game, BUT they’re also not driving from Denver to Chicago with nothing else to do to pass the time, so I guess that’s fair.
The final group are the assholes who say things like “I don’t have to answer this. This is stupid. I’m never gonna be in that situation. Shut up.” They try to worm through every loophole “my mom would ALWAYS BELIEVE ME. SO this question is stupid.” Yeah, sure…that’s true, hopefully. And I bet she’d be proud of you for wiggling out of this question by using semantics and avoiding the whole point/fun of the exercise too you lame fuck. Congratulations, you’re the social equivalent of the asshole who just buys the shit that’s tagged wrong in the grocery store, regardless of what it is, because that makes it free, or the douche that uses the internet to answer the question at the coffee place to get ten cents off his drink. Good work. You got out of answering a question. Here’s a new puzzle, ready? Why do people find you so irritating? CORRRECT! You do NOT have to answer that one either. Wow! 2 for 2. Good work.
Finally, I’m aware that uncreative dildos have co opted this game and named it ‘would you rather’ and created dumb cards with questions like “would you rather have seventeen regular sized testicles or one giant one?” But that’s just the new jack co-opting of a pre existing culture. To give those turds credit for this ancient tradition in time wasting would be like giving Snap Crackle and Pop credit for inventing hip hop just because of that cocoa krispies ad from the 80s. You all hear me?
Oh, and just one last thing: seventeen regular ones FOR SURE…you have so many more tucking options. That big one would have no give whatsoever.