I'm too fucking rich and too fucking famous!

Okay, so first things first. Someone stole my fucking phone last night. It’s an iphone and I’m PISSED OFF. Stupid hip hop night at subterranean. I’ve changed my email and facebook passwords. What else do I need to do to protect myself against whoever it is that has my phone? What a fucking kick in the dick. This is something like my fourth iphone. I’m gonna have to start buying these fuckers in bulk. Dumb thieves.
So, while I was looking in vain for my phone, I found some girl’s little coin purse/wallet situation. I tried to drive it over to her house this morning, but she wasn’t there, so I left a note. I mean, she’s gonna get that shit hand delivered by a gorgeous semi notorious rambler (with all the money still in it by the way) and I’m getting constantly punched in the ball-pump by this whole situation. I should get into heaven for this. I mean, right? This should really make up for almost everything I’ve done.
Okay, last night I saw a band that’s so awesome, I’ve gotta share it with you. They’re from Chicago and they’re called Pet Peeve. They’re fucking SICK. The main dude is Romanian and he sings in Romanian sometimes, and last night, his band had all these crazy euro dudes hugging and dancing in circles and it was absolutely fucking awesome. Go to their myspace page http://www.myspace.com/mypetpeeve and check it out. The recordings are lo-fi for sure, but hey man, they’re a brand new band. Leave em a comment and tell them I sent you. I got nothing but insane high hopes for these guys. AND, they’re a bunch of super nice dudes, so there’s that. Okay, enough of my night last night. I had some big interesting shit that I wanted to share with y’all today. What was it?
Well, this isn’t it, but can we talk about heidi montag for a sec? Okay, she’s all surgeried up now, right? And people are going nuts about it. I guess I don’t really see why. I mean, sure, cosmetic surgery is one of those things that’s big in Hollywood that everyone in Kansas kind of pooh-poohs as something they’d never consider. “It’s only for those terribly insecure Hollywood types” they say to each other over bacon cheeseburgers served on glazed donuts. However, I think that’s oversimplifying things. I liken this dismissal to dudes that are quick to condemn other dudes for cheating on their old ladies and just judge and judge and swear up and down that they’d never ever do that kind of thing and that it’s SO reprehensible (which, I mean, most of the time, it is, I’m not endorsing cheating here, folks), but you know why they say that shit? Because they are slobs or they’re dipshits or they contain whatever the personality defect is that prevents them from ever getting laid by strange women. They’ve found one girl that will put up with their pimply back and disgusting breath and they’re clinging onto her pussy for dear life like Cubans cling to tires south of florida. No man that’s ever had a woman legitimately try to bang them while they’re in a relationship will be too judgmental when it comes to that stuff. Because, they’ve got dicks. And those dicks talk, boy. They talk fast and make a lot of sense when some good looking girl you aren’t supposed to bang is giving you the eye. And I’m not implying that men are all cheaters by any means. I’m just saying, it’s like quitting smoking. Once you see how fucking hard it is to resist that temptation, you’re not so quick to call someone a sniveling pussy for succumbing, even if you, yourself don’t succumb.
That’s how I feel about this cosmetic surgery thing. These bitches in Michigan don’t see themselves (and their jiggly guts) on tv all the time or live in a permissive spot where surgery is somewhat normal. Now, like with the cheating analogy, I’m not suggesting that all these heartland ladies and dudes would suddenly be getting tit tucks and shit if they moved to LA, but I AM saying that the idea of that shit’s not even really on the table in Michigan. In LA they have walk in augmentation clinics. AND tons of people have procedures done all the time. That makes shit much easier to consider.
Put it this way: maybe you don’t really smoke weed or drink but then you go away to college, or you go on a backpacking trip across south America or something and all of a sudden you see all these people just drinking and partying and having a good time. Suddenly, you’re back home saying something like “Yeah, and I never really drink, but the culture was so different and everyone was drinking all the time and before I knew it, I was having beers with lunch just like Javier.” I think it’s not a great leap to imagine someone who constantly sees their body scrutinized in the media, constantly sees distorted images of themselves in magazines and on tv and in movies, and sees the way that surgery has helped other people deal with the same mounting self doubt that they’re facing, deciding that it’s not a totally stupid thing to do. But of course no one in your office would ever get surgery. That’s because nobody is wasting their time putting those people on tv or in magazines or comparing them to other surgically enhanced celebs. No one’s trying to fuck them, to borrow from my earlier analogy, so they can flap their gums all they want about moral high ground, but they’ve never been in the position, and they never will, so they’ll never be called on their harsh judgments.

Now, getting back to Heidi, let’s not mince words, kay? She was fucking ugly before. And sure, she looks odd now too, but she’s a ton more fuckable, I’d say. AND, it’s not like she’s cool or anything. I mean, she’s a vacuous cunt that’s married to one ot the crown prince dildos of all of dildodom. What the fuck? Why cant some horrible cunt of a talentless woman cut up her body and stuff it full of various viscous liquids as she sees fit? Who fucking cares? She’s not really even famous for anything. She can’t act or sing or dance or fuck on film. She’s not smart or athletic or cool or on the cutting edge of anything. She’s famous for standing there, and frankly, I didn’t really like the way she was standing there before all this surgery. I’m not crazy about it now either, but sheeeit. I’m definitely not ‘concerned for her’ or anything. And neither are you and neither is people magazine. In fact, they would LOVE for her to get more surgery and fuck her face up even more so they can put her on more covers and watch her slow, painful descent into madness, drugs, death, all that, then all the journalists can sell magazines and marvel at the wonderful work they’ve done for their bottom line over skinny margaritas or whatever’s all the rage right now.
So yeah. I still don’t remember what I was gonna write about today, but I gotta get some lunch.
Peace.