news briefs

Okay, so there’s some fucked up, crazy, inexplicable shit going on in the world and last night, when I was supposed to be trying to find a nanny online (any of you with credentials [nice cans] are welcome to apply) I found myself instead wandering the darkest recesses of the internet that don’t feature people licking someone else’s asshole off a stranger’s dong…Of course I’m referring to pop-news websites. I came across some disturbing things. This is seventh seal shit, people. Okay, onto the stories:

The lady killed by the orca. She was a trainer at seaworld and she got mauled and chomped and now she’s dead. Not really all that surprising when you consider that the colloquial term for the orca is the killer whale, and well, you don’t get a name like ‘killer’ by just sitting around eating perch. Now, sure, it’s sad and I know she loved marine life and all that and it sucks that she was brutally killed. The thing that’s unbelievable about this story was the interview with her family where they said “she died doing what she loved.” Really? What’s that? Being brutally crushed? Realizing that the people that warned her that this shit was dangerous and she was gonna get hurt were right and she was wrong? Sorry. Look, a guy who’s a skydiving enthusiast who hit the ground too hard died doing what he loved, a pilot who lost control of his cesna, a deep sea diver who ran out of air, a creepy old pervert collapsing with a heart attack on top of an underage thai whore, a stunt guy crashing after jumping the biggest fountain in Vegas, these are people ‘dying doing what they love.’ This lady got fucking eaten by a giant dolphin. No one loves that. Promise.

Sarah Palin is talking about doing stand up comedy, I guess. That sounds like it’s gonna be real good. If I wanted to listen to some quasi braindead hick mom tell stale jokes about how John Stewart’s a limp dick I’d head down to the Applebees in Naperville and sit at the bar with a pile of twenties and a copy of the National Review.
I hope she does this. Really, truly I do. It’s so misguided that it’s gotta be great. I can’t even imagine her various handlers and the bricks they must be shitting (on a side note, what a fucking job THAT’S gotta be. ‘okay, keep sarah palin from looking dumb, please. You start now. Oh, and you’ll have to deal with all the massively stupid shit she’s already done. Sorry. The last person with your job killed themselves, so we’re kind of playing catch up.”)
There’s good ideas, like vajazzling. There’s bad ideas that seem good at the time, like a tattoo of barbed wire, there’s bad ideas that seem bad but are so stupid they just might work, like the big mac wrap, and then there’s just dumb ass bad ideas, like robbing the convenience store your mom works at or being one of the most openly ridiculed people in the world famous for stupidity and shortsightedness and trying to parlay that reputation into some sort of three night stint at the Laugh Shack.
Good luck, lady.

According to the local police of celebrity fatness, the latest star to pull a K fed is none other than Saul Hudson, or Slash. I’d like to offer the new nickname “Slush” to uh…I don’t know, all those idiots that say shit like ‘brangelina’ or TomKat or whatever it is that’s being passed off as a legitimate relationship these days. This is simply a case of people not having any priorities. Slash is a retired millionaire in his forties. Let him be fat in peace you fucking turds. Just because YOUR lame 23 thousand a year correspondent job isn’t gonna allow you to get a piece of cake with that, don’t take it out on Slash. He’s done his time, man. He lived on a bus with Axl, for fucks sake. Next thing you know we’re all gonna be talking about if Shiloh is dressed too much like a boy.
Wait, what? Really? sigh.

Finally, it’s been suggested that Olympian Johnny Weir is ‘too gay for skating.’ I find this to be, uh, one of the most profoundly flummoxing assertions of all time. Too gay for skating, eh? That’s like being too tall for basketball or too evil for the death penalty or too strong for the world’s strongest man competition, too rich to retire, too delicious to be a pizza, too stupid to be governor of Alaska/stand up sensation. You get the idea.
I think that couples figure skating, where they have to be all sexual with each other is the biggest affront to homosexuality since Stonewall, personally.
There’s NOTHING gayer than male figure skating, folks. Just for the record, Johnny Weir finishes sucking a pair of dicks, wipes his mouth and says to his buddies “okay, now I’m gonna go do something REALLY gay” before he hits the ice. Now, I’m not knocking sucking a bunch of dudes’ dicks, and I’m not knocking figure skating. Both are rad, as far as I’m concerned, but puh-LEASE. Too gay for skating? That’s like being too gay for an all male bath house or too gay for the Lady GaGa show. I could go on all day, folks, but I gotta take my kid to school and go to work.
God, what the fuck is wrong with this planet, eh?
Have a nice weekend.