the parabola

So, it’s come to my attention that really at the core of things men deeply desire a wide array of perverse ways to put their penises into things and women want to plan projects and see them through. This is the essential and fundamental core of any male/female dynamic. Now, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not suggesting that women aren’t sometimes (or even often) totally into depraved boning (or non-depraved boning, if you’re dull) and I’m not suggesting that men don’t get into planning and following through with projects. I’m simply suggesting that the other gender NEVER comes close to actually fundamentally embodying the desire in the way that the aforementioned diagram is laid out. Men love boning in a way that women will just never understand and conversely, women love planning and speculating and talking through long, sustained ongoing projects and then making them happen in ways that no man could ever fully comprehend (it’s often been said [and it’s 100% true] that the entire reason that men do everything is in order to get laid, and that is true for projects, propecia, working, having a house, being smart, being sophisticated or brutish, owning sheets and towels, brushing their teeth etc). This is why your mom redid the kitchen six times after she got to a certain age and your dad fucked his secretary (your stepmom). There’s a point where it’s pointless to resist the urges. They become you.

The funny thing about this is that if you trace any long term multi-gendered relationship, you can see the complete parabola of the acquiescence to one of the partner’s needs, and the way that the other partner necessarily succumbs, if only to get their needs fulfilled (I’m still talking exclusively about boning and projects here). What does that mean? Well, I’ll tell you.

Faced with a new relationship, (and this is about to be rife with gross generalization…don’t be such a pussy) a man sees essentially someone to bone and a woman sees something of a project in said man. This is the fodder of lame standups to be sure, but hear me out. A woman is interested in what a guy DOES, if he’s really as much of an arrogant cocksucker/total pansy/nerd/dipshit as he seems, if he’d be a cool guy to show off to her friends, if he’s smart, if her parents would like him, if he’s got a nice dong, if he’s well read, if he’s gonna someday be fat, if he’s the kind of guy that can make mango salsa, if he’s capable of a beard, if he’s got cool friends, if he’s popular, if he’s a pariah etc. I’m not saying all these factors are important to every woman, just that they are some of the considerations. A man, at first (and this is 100% of the time, ladies) sees a human being with a pussy/mouth/asshole combination.

Is that terrible? Well, sure. Totally. I know there has been a lot of discussion lately about how women in rock (though it could easily be ‘in general’) have a shitty row to hoe and I recently read a very articulate, sensible and right on interview with a woman in a small touring band who mentioned that she can never get drunk while she’s on the road because she’s a girl and dudes are all suspect in terms of taking advantage of a woman, and as a result she feels that she can never let her guard down if she’s in the company of strangers. That sucks ass. It’s also 100% true. She shouldn’t get drunk because dudes ARE all creepy potential perverts. It sucks. It sucks terribly. But we’re not into projects. We’re into fucking. Pretending it’s not that way is stupid, so I’m not gonna do it. And, to be clear, I’m not saying we’re all pervs. Tons of guys are not and will be extremely valiant and chivalrous in all situations. But you never know because there are a TON of creeps. They outnumber the good guys, I’d reckon. Anyway, I’m getting off the point here.

The point is, that when people first meet and decide to forge a (heterosexual) relationship, the tendency is to bone all the time, like crazy people on a ship that’s simultaneously sinking and on fire. This serves everyone’s purposes well. The woman gets the experience of answering a few questions regarding the dude (is he creepy, nice dong, can he dance, what will my friends think, etc. etc.), she gets to lay what can be considered the groundwork of a long term project (hence her unbridled enthusiasm for boning in those early and exciting times[not to mention the physical/emotional enjoyment of porking]), and the dude gets to bone. His game, at this point is over. That’s why the exceedingly common move is for a guy and a girl to bang and the guy to disappear. At that point, truly, he’s achieved everything he’s hardwired to try and achieve. (at THIS point I should again reiterate that yes, this whole exercise is extremely reductive and I’ve definitely been ‘fucked and trucked’ as the old saying goes, by women that I’d like to have pursued who wanted nothing from me other than a quick [extended] ride on an exceedingly gorgeous wang and that there are totally guys who get lovelorn all the time and I’m not suggesting that women don’t enjoy sex, and this is, as I’ve said, a simplification that is intended to illuminate, not encompass, so please relax).

The point is, this is the first high point of the parabola, where Y=time and X=one partner in a multi-gendered relationship’s fulfillment of fundamental needs. This is almost unquestionably the time when a man is thinking “wow, I’m getting laid all the time. Things are perfect” and women are also thinking that, but also things about her future, things about whether or not this guy is a relevant choice to see in a long term situation or if he’s just a fun distraction, or if he’s a creep….in short, she’s speculating, talking to friends, planning projects of sorts while he’s sitting there like a pig in shit with a bucket of candybars, as myopic and happy as can be.

Of course, this all changes. Nobody keeps the honeymoon bone-a-thon up as time goes by. Even the healthiest and most sexually active couples experience a decline in the frequency and athleticism of their banging over time. Why is this? I’ll tell you this much: It’s got absolutely NOTHING to do with the male in the relationship getting tired of getting blowjobs or waking up in the middle of the night to have freaky sex (except in weird cases like our buddy who has the calluses on his dong from the letter last month). I mean, for those of you who are unlucky or dumb enough to not listen to Stern, last week guest announcer George Takei was in there and he’s well into his 70’s and he’s still as horny as a pack of wild dogs that are drunk on tequila. The male sexdrive doesn’t wane. If anything, it gets stronger as men get older and uglier and drift away from the time in their lives where they’re having as-close-as-they-can to the kind and frequency of sex they desire.

The REASON, folks, is because the project has moved on from the ‘groundwork stage’ and on to other things. Now, this is not to say that the woman in this heterosexual relationship has one goal, which is ‘the male’ and that she’s just exclusively priming him for other things. I’m not saying that just like I’m not saying that the man simply exists to fuck (though I think that’s probably not TERRIBLY far off). I’m saying that projects, the project of the boyfriend/husband, the project of getting rid of the boyfriend/husband, the project of jobs, domiciles, self improvement, etc become prioritized as the project of ‘doing a lot of enthusiastic and enjoyable boning to lay the groundwork for other projects’ has run its course. THIS is a fundamental difference in the genders, because in men, this project never runs its course, and is, in fact, the beginning, middle and DEFINITELY end of all projects. “Boning: The project”. It starts and ends there, ladies.

Here, we enter the middle of the parabola, the low point, where projects aren’t really being achieved and boning isn’t either. Sure, both are technically happening (as any functional straight relationship necessarily deals almost exclusively in the currency and free exchange of projects/boning) but in a compromised sort of state. No one is truly happy, but no one is really all that bummed either. This is the point when men fondly remember the unfettered boning of the early relationship and women do too, though perhaps more through the lens of “that was when things were exciting and dynamic and the future of this project was many splendored and open to lots of different outcomes” as opposed to grinding to the inevitable conclusion of ‘boring life,’ ‘messy divorce,’ ‘acceptable ride’ or ‘affair (another project, by the way [though for men it’s exclusively about boning {and this is interesting because often in articles in women’s magazines, men talk about ‘what led them to cheat’ and invariably say things like ‘my wife didn’t appreciate me’ or ‘I didn’t feel desirable in our relationship anymore’ when in reality, the only answer to this question is ‘there was a woman who would fuck me and I’m kind of an asshole’ }])

So, what happens then? Well, the remodeling of things begins in earnest. The projects pick up, because there’s simply nothing else to do. So the house gets done, someone writes a memoir, trips get taken (which is the ultimate one-night-stand-in-the-bathroom-stall of the project oriented woman. There’s nothing that encapsulates the maddening planning and meticulous need to get shit organized and together like a trip, especially with children. Remember when you were a kid and your mom would go nuts right before vacation? It’s the high holiday of the project, an intense quickie, if you will [also, at this point I should overtly mention that I just got back from a great trip, and were it not for my wife’s incredible persistence in the face of my own stone-like inability to plan, pack or prepare anything at all, we wouldn’t have had nearly so wonderful of a trip, and this essay is in NO WAY supposed to be a subtle dig at her. She’s cool. Quit projecting on my life, eh?])

So this is why, to go back to the top of the page, you’ve seen a few kitchens in your childhood home and your mom is now a photographer or a gardener or a novelist, and your dad is just a sad sack of shit that drinks and watches tv. This is the second high point of the parabola, the one that’s entirely project oriented. If you look at the life of this hypothetical heterosexual relationship like a Tralfamadorian, it can be said that everyone wins completely at all times. It should be noted one last time that women tend to like to have sex with the men that they’re in relationships with and men tend to like the women they’re in relationships with to be happy and have projects and do things, so this isn’t any sort of brutal ‘battle of wills.’ It’s fact a pretty enjoyable way to spend an existence. It’s no 2 dudes just boning away until the end of time, and it’s no two women just going on trips and building treehouses and co-ops and foundations and stuff…in that way the gays have truly got it all figured out. BUT, for the rest of us, we can probably make due with the parabola. It’s vastly more good than bad, eh?

Sure. Okay. Jesus. This is far too long.