Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It's like a weird twist on the movie Junior, where Arnold got someone ELSE pregnant. Whoa.

Arnold had a baby with the maid, eh? That’s pretty cool. I mean, there’s absolutely no way that anyone out there on earth bothered to consider that Arnold wasn’t wantonly dipping his dick in absolutely everything, right? I’m actually pretty surprised that this is the first kid that we’ve heard about. He’s gotta have zillions of ‘em, all over the world. I mean, look at the evidence:

He’s self obsessed. Check out his body for most of his life if you doubt the truth of this amateur psychiatric evaluation. That means he’s vain as shit, which means he’s mindbendingly insecure, which in turn means that he’s desperate for validation which means that he’s gonna fuck just about anyone he can get within a dicklength of. He’s also a Hollywood actor, a powerful political figure and an Austrian(!!!!!!).

I don’t know if you guys have ever been to Austria, but if the pornography that they sell on the rack located at toddler level in the gas stations is any indication about their lack of sexual hang ups, frankly I’m surprised it’s not Austria that’s about to displace China as the population capital of the world. Okay, that’s not really fair. One need only look at the covers of the aforementioned pornography to immediately realize that not only does semen rarely end up in the vagina in Austria, but it seems that the vagina is kind of a distant fifth place as far as the ‘places to stuff dicks ‘ ranking scale goes.

Last time I was in an Austrian gas station, the cover of a pornography magazine, plainly visible on the rack by the door, mind you, featured an extremely pregnant woman in a leather hood with a mouth zipper. She was covered in semen and being double penetrated while a third and fourth guy peed on her. I’m not making that up. Austria is pretty cool, and it seems like they know what they want and they go for it, be that a mid 20th century reunited homeland with strong centralized government, the Mister Universe title, a Planet Hollywood or two, six strains of piss cascading down the front of your gimp mask, or the Governor’s mansion in Sacramento. But Arnold’s self-obsession, Austrian-ness and drive is really only half the story.

Have you guys seen this little clip of a young, highly rapey Arnold showing us around Brazil? It’s pretty amusing, to say the least (that is, if you’re amused by gigantic, pervy musclebound weirdos manhandling underdressed girls) and it only serves to make me once again ask the question that has got to have been on everyone’s mind once this whole maid-baby thing came to light last night. Namely, is this REALLY the first out-of-wedlock child for this fucking guy? Seriously?

Look, I’m no action hero, but I’ve seen a thing or two about what goes on in those Hollywood trailers. I’m no politico, but I’ve read the published text messages from the higher-ups to their pages, and I, like the rest of the world remember what presidents tend to spill on their interns. I’m no Mr. Universe contestant but if that isn’t just a flimsy excuse to oil up your dick and walk around until someone puts it in them some way or another, I don’t know what is. This dude has been deeply, deeply entrenched in some of the most notoriously promiscuous professions in the history of professions (besides whoring and cleaning truckstop bathrooms) and he’s obviously a driven, powerful man who’s had to deal with almost no consequences for anything he’s done, so by the law of probability, he’s gotta have at least 2000 kids.

I mean, shit. You guys heard that whole thing about how Arnold killed that British aristocrat in the 70’s right? Oh, well, you should go here and check it out then. It’s truly an amazing tale that I can only hope is legit. Because here’s the thing: I like Arnold. He’s a true superhero. I don’t give a fuck about his politics or his personal life, his murder resume or even his movies. I just love that the world actually produced a real live walking talking fictional character and that he’s become one of the most successful ‘human beings’ ever to exist, despite the fact that he seems to be fairly unintelligent and more than a little creepy. So, today, while you’re out there celebrating Norwegian constitution day, I want you to take a second and give it up for Arnold and his trail of offspring out there. They’re all going through a rough patch.
That’s all.

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Zach said...


Arnold does this too, I suppose. Gotta bring it down a few notches after pumpin' broads all day. Helps to forget about that pesky murder always knocking at the backdoor of the conscience. Though I imagine his conscience is impervious to hindsight, as it is made of steel and equipped with snipers, drone helicopters as well as lions to be sure the ego shall not be harmed, only enlarged.

Robb said...

Poor Arnold. Can the dude ever catch a break? I mean yeah, there was the incident with the female crew member on the set of T2, and yea, there was the whole Anna Richardson thingy, and yea, there was that one "eating isn't cheating" incident on that other movie set, and sure, there was that questionable quote he made to Esquire years back, and yeah, that one anecdote from that late '70s interview in Oui magazine about "...a black girl came out naked (in Gold's Gym). Everyone jumped on her and took her upstairs", but, no. This is fucking bullshit and you know it, Brendan.

Drunken Acorn said...

If you have seen Bigger, Faster, Stronger, there is this guy who used to workout with Arnold at Gold's Gym that said Arnold was just willing to step on anyone that got in his way of making it big. And really thats what 'Merica is all about.

Owner Operator said...

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christophe said...

Apparently, Ahnuld's political advisor advised (duh) him to run for office in Europe and become the next European president.

I'm not sure if that would be a good idea. The last time an Austrian Death Machine ruled over Europe, was roughly between 1939 and 1945.

On the other hand, Schwarzenegger has proved himself to be a man's man, not a one-nutted, Charlie Chaplin-idolizing paranoid megalomaniac with an inferiority complex....

It's A-Me, Martucci said...