Well, let’s get this shit out of the way right now: it’s my birthday, so far so good. I feel slightly more out of touch and confused than ever before. My joints don’t work, my wang’s a flaccid, dying worm twitching in a garden of decaying grey pubes and I can’t hear shit. Music these days sounds like noise to me, women look like whores and the men dress like sissies and clowns. I can’t stand the weather or the politics and everybody’s missing a little something that we used to call gumption back in my day.
Today’s restaurants don’t know shit about service or food. The bars are just drug dens, the immigrants are crawling all over everything like an army of swarming locusts on the crops of a sinful town of homosexual communists. In fact, the ONLY thing that is getting me through this writhing, fetid existence of sin and stench is the fact that:
TOMORROW, SEPTEMBER 9TH, I WILL BE CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY BY APPEARING AT THE DOUBLE DOOR ON DAMEN AND NORTH AVENUE WITH THE SWAYBACK AND RATASUCIA AND ALL YOU ASSHOLES SHOULD COME! BRING YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR MOMS AND YOUR GRANDPARENTS!
I can’t promise that it will be good, but I CAN promise that it will be bad. Ha! I’m fucking around. Shit’s gonna be radical. I’ve been working on a shockingly awesome cover tune and generally, I’m pretty stoked to share my birthday with all of you. Okay, Im having some serious issues with getting a tiny run of DVD’s burned affordably so I gotta go figure some shit out. What? You didn’t think I was gonna sit here and bullshit with you guys on my birthday, did you? Fuck no. I’m keeping you all lean and mean so you all show up tomorrow night.
See you there!
Xoxoxoxo
I
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21 comments:
happy fuckin' birthday
Happy Birthday BK!
Love,
-dan
Happy birthday BK. In Cali, can't make the show, but will add the price of admission ticket to price of DVD (think of it as me buying you a beer) and pay for a copy if you can send me one. I know, effing high maintenance fans wanting you to ship shit to them rather than coming to the show like they should, but Red Scare folks have plenty of experience in that regard, no?
Seriously, wish I could be there.
Happy friggin' birthday! Speaking of DVDs, any word on that shit yet? I just like asking because I ain't got shit to do at work except look at a $100,000 car that would get me arrested and a much cheaper car that runs on electricity.
I sincerely hope that that "dying worm twitching in a garden of decaying grey pubes" gets some suction tonight in light of advancing to an age in which the expected genre of music to take a liking to is Dad Rock and ONLY Dad Rock. Make it rain, Beeks. Make it rain.
Happy birthday, you magnificent bastard!
I know you don't need me to tell you how to have a good time on your own bday, but here's a subtle suggestion: felching.
Pretty radical idea there, but I try to keep it real. As should you on this most glorious day, good sir.
Happy Birthday Grey Bush!
It's my birthday today too.
30.... Ouch.
Happy bday dude.
Haha happy birthday. Someone needs to film this show.
that worm analogy killed me
happy birthday, i hope it is good
I'm so pissed I have no money to show up, but Happy Birthday and have great time!
PS: I had a dream last night that I was in a bar that you were playing in, and you were snorting coke with a rolled up dollar bill and I was very upset by this. Then the dude who played the butler on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air got carted away by paramedics.
That's all I got.
Awww beeex you're old as fuck hehe! Awww beex I was drunk and slept reeeeeal funny on mah back! Got a lil' crick in it hehe! Now I want to stomp on my douechbag cousin's bladder with all my man weight. Oh no it's not related, I just have this dbag cousin whose bladder I'd like to stomp on (witch's cackle)
Ohh beex that twitching worm description killed me! You had that one saved in your Microsoft Word huh? (Whispering) ...Apple? Aww fuck you
Oh no, I mean, you're not really old, and there are definite benefits to Mac OS X hehe! Aww but you know. I just got this crick in my back. I watched that flick 'A Horrible Way To Die' last night. Hehe I knew it was but a matter of time before there was a mumblecore-horror crossover. Awww it wasn't that...well, yeah, it fucking sucked. Aww beex let's have sex.
On a real note I'd like to "thank" you for that delightful cockroach dream ya shared awhile back...thanks to it I've now had a few variations...trapped in ominous hallways teaming with (aggressive, carnivorous) roaches n shit. Cockroaches with big fat ass dicks, crawlin up in my mouth in shit. "Sssss-ssssuck it Robb!" Heh, that one's a joke I think. Maybe I'm just jealous I can't survive off soap and cardboard in subfreezing temperatures. Assholes
You so obviously ghost write the Jeppson's Malort tweets it's almost comical.
'Sofia Staks' - ugliest woman on the planet? Rhetorical
'Moo-oom, where does ricotta cheese come from?'
'Why it comes from Sofia Staks' distended anus, you little idiot'
Oh, I'm talking about post-toxic waste vat incident or whatever the fuck happened. If someone goes and pulls up one of those pics from like '96 I'm gonna kick your fucking nuts up through your mouth.
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