Well, let’s get this shit out of the way right now: it’s my birthday, so far so good. I feel slightly more out of touch and confused than ever before. My joints don’t work, my wang’s a flaccid, dying worm twitching in a garden of decaying grey pubes and I can’t hear shit. Music these days sounds like noise to me, women look like whores and the men dress like sissies and clowns. I can’t stand the weather or the politics and everybody’s missing a little something that we used to call gumption back in my day.
Today’s restaurants don’t know shit about service or food. The bars are just drug dens, the immigrants are crawling all over everything like an army of swarming locusts on the crops of a sinful town of homosexual communists. In fact, the ONLY thing that is getting me through this writhing, fetid existence of sin and stench is the fact that:
TOMORROW, SEPTEMBER 9TH, I WILL BE CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY BY APPEARING AT THE DOUBLE DOOR ON DAMEN AND NORTH AVENUE WITH THE SWAYBACK AND RATASUCIA AND ALL YOU ASSHOLES SHOULD COME! BRING YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR MOMS AND YOUR GRANDPARENTS!
I can’t promise that it will be good, but I CAN promise that it will be bad. Ha! I’m fucking around. Shit’s gonna be radical. I’ve been working on a shockingly awesome cover tune and generally, I’m pretty stoked to share my birthday with all of you. Okay, Im having some serious issues with getting a tiny run of DVD’s burned affordably so I gotta go figure some shit out. What? You didn’t think I was gonna sit here and bullshit with you guys on my birthday, did you? Fuck no. I’m keeping you all lean and mean so you all show up tomorrow night.
See you there!