I'm sorry baby!

Wow. So, this is awkward. I woke up yesterday and just kind of went about my business like everything was cool. I wrote about my experiences with DMX (see the entry below). I sent some emails. I took my kids on the train. I had some lunch and then, when I got home and put the kids down for a nap I opened my computer and BOOM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. There, on pretty much every website that caters to the destruction of innocent celebrities, were the intimate photos that Scarlett Johansen sent to me that I PROMISED, over and over again, to never show anyone!!!!! I’m bummed. Shit, I’M bummed? She’s bummed. She won’t return my calls now, and her IM icon is saying she’s “away” even though I KNOW she’s there. I KNOW YOU’RE THERE, SCARLETT!!!! I’m sorry. Gimme a minute…

Sigh….Okay.

I guess the whole thing is my own fault even though people are blaming Scarlett and saying things like “hey, if you don’t want nude photos of yourself out there, then don’t take ‘em” but that’s fucking CRUEL! How the fuck are you supposed to walk around with an appearance like Scarlett Johansen has and not take pictures of it? Let me phrase this slightly differently as to engender a little bit more empathy: YOU wanted to see nude pictures of Scarlett Johansen, right? Of course you do/did. Whether you’re into dicks or clams or dogs or melons with holes cut out of them that have been warmed in the microwave for (roughly) twenty nine seconds, you’ve got enough of a passing interest that you’d like to see her naked pictures, right? Of course. So does she! What do you think, that she’s the only person on the world who DOESN’T want to see naked pictures of Scarlett Johansen? She’s just a simple girl, folks. She’s not immune to that most basic of desires, that desire to see Scarlett Johansen’s jugs and ass photographed, and unlike most of us, she’s in the unique position of being able to just produce naked Scarlett Johansen pictures out of the ether using nothing more than a phone. If YOU could just produce naked pictures of Scarlett Johansen, wouldn’t you do it? Of course you would.

Which is exactly why I’m in all this trouble right now. I’m too eager to please and it bites me in the dick every time. See, humanity is, at its core, very interested in making other people happy, or getting a favorable reaction. Actually, most mammals in general are this way. A puppy and a baby both want to please. They’re born with that desire. It’s pretty much what they live for until your shitty parenting gets in the way and they start to resent you and decide to just make you as miserable as you’ve made them. That reaction of excitement from another person is something we’re hardwired to crave, so keep that in mind next time you’re in a position where you’ve got a situation that you must keep secret.

Let’s say, for example, that you’ve fucked your friend’s dad. It was a bad move. You were drunk. He was drunk. It was super late, one thing led to another and boom! Next thing you know he’s sucking your dick under the table. And it was AWESOME!!!! And, for obvious reasons, NOBODY can know. BUT! You’re dying to get it off your chest. You’ve gotta tell someone. So, you find your most trusted friend who’s as far from the social circle as the friend of the dad you fucked as possible, someone who wouldn’t even know who to tell if he decided to tell, and you spill the juicy news. Well, firstly, of course your friend is going to be stoked. For one thing, everyone likes to be confided in. It’s an affirmation of character. For another thing, he’s gonna be stoked (though this may also be mixed liberally with revulsion/disappointment) at how completely salacious this secret is. He promises up and down not to say anything. “Who the fuck would I tell?” he says, over and over again and you say things like “yeah dude, but SERIOUSLY. If this ever got back to Neil, I’d be FUCKED!” and your buddy says “yeah, yeah. I get it. But seriously, who the fuck would I tell?” and you walk away/ hang up feeling that you’ve unburdened yourself and that your secret is safe.

But the fallacy of logic there is HUGE. If this secret is so juicy that YOU, who stands to lose everything if it’s exposed, can’t even keep it a secret, what fucking chance does your friend have? If YOU gotta tell, it’s a promise, and it may be months or years down the line, but mark my words, your friend will be at a bar somewhere and that shit’s gonna come out as casually as a dick out of the mouth of a guy casually picking his teeth with a disembodied dick after eating a hooker’s face.

Think about the trust you’ve betrayed in your lifetime, however slightly, however innocently or inadvertently, however after the fact. There’s a hole in the soul of humanity and it’s built by that innate desire to please one another and because we’re cocksuckers en masse, one thing that greatly pleases us is schadenfreude, so your secret is TRIPLY delicious, because it affirms, it exposes AND just the act of telling it is a betrayal that creates a tiny conspiracy of schadenfreuede. In short, you and your secret are fucked.

Your secret is never safe. Your nudes are the same. Your nudes are just pictures of secrets. The only way not to have everyone not see you naked is to have been born, at the latest, in the early 80’s so you got out of the phase of taking pictures of your tits before everyone had cameras on their phones that went straight to the internet. Otherwise, yeah. Suck it up, turds. That’s gonna be your dick out there before you can say ‘cease and desist.’ It’s a sad truth. OR, and this is worse, it’s gonna be the pictures that someone sent you that were stolen and leaked onto the internet because you just HAD to mention that you had them, and you’re gonna just feel like an asshole. Just like how I feel with ScarJo.

I mean, after all, she only sent me those pictures because she said that my dong was the greatest earthly delight of all time and this is how I return the favor. Curse me and my amazing dong.