Married! Nooooooooooo!

Do you ever lie there in relative comfort and try to really focus on how good you feel, and acknowledge that it’s fleeting. Do you lie there in bed and think ‘wow, my body is relatively young, I’m in no pain and I’ve got a full range of motion, it’s really gonna suck the dick off a dog when I’m lying here with cancer/liver disease/AIDS/Ebola/Swine Flu and my throat and muscles all hurt and I’m nauseous and I’m getting ready to die, so on top of it all, I’m freaking out and trying to get my dumb affairs in order and all my stupid relatives are driving me crazy and that lawyer is such a fucking scumbag…you ever think about that?
I do. And I think about it in regards to smaller issues than dying. I think about how I live in a nice house with a great family and I’ve got all sorts of friends and things going on, but someday (likely through my own fuckuppery) I’ll just be lonely, bitter and completely crushed by the world. Well, this, obviously is depressing and it’s sort of worst case scenario shit, but it’s crossed my mind. I’m not dwelling or doomsaying just saying it’s something that I’ve considered.
I sometimes think about how I’m just sitting here and I feel good, but at some point I WILL feel serious pain, emotional and physical. There’s no way around it. I WILL slam my finger in the door, get my dick stuck in my zipper, see someone die, make some dumb casual error that changes my whole life for the worse. These things WILL happen. There’s no way around it. They’ll happen to me and guess what assholes? Yeah. That’s right. They’ll happen to you too.
Okay, so at this point I bet you’re thinking that I’m super depressed, but you’d be wrong. This isn’t an exercise in depression or negativity. This is actually a celebration of how shit hasn’t blown up all over me yet. There’s no better feeling than lying there conscious of the fact that the cancer hasn’t taken hold, and you’ve still got some living to do and there are still choices and friends and hot chicks and dudes with great cans and dongs that still want to hang out with you and take off your underwear. Because, that too will change. For most of you it’ll happen soon…No one will ever want to bang you again. But for me, because I’m awesome, and for most of the girls out there, this is a ways off, but but but but!!!! It happens. Look at Liz Taylor. She was fucking SMOKING HOT and now she’s uh…what’s the word? Unfuckable? Are the kids still saying unfuckable? Okay, good. So yeah. Think about that. People out there want to bang you, maybe not the people you want to bang, maybe you haven’t been laid in a long time (or ever) but unless I’m completely confused on who my audience is, you’re more fuckable than Liz Taylor. And that’s huge, man. HUGE. She was Maggie from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof for fucks sakes. Mags! Think about that.
So, yeah. What have we learned here today? Life is little more than a bullshit parade of soul crushing experiences, but man, the shit in between is great. And you don’t even need to be feeling actively good. Just simply not feeling like shit is pretty awesome. I dunno. There’s a lot of focusing on those horrible moments, you know? Like that second that she says “I don’t love you anymore” and your heart snaps, you keep replaying that over and over. You thought about its inevitability before it happened, and after it happened you dwelled on how much worse it was than you even imagined. But we don’t spend enough time just focusing on the small moments of relative tranquility and peace. Those are worth keeping too, man.
No, I’m not talking like a hippy. Go fuck yourself, naysayer. Don’t mistake this as kumbaya shit, because it’s really simpler than that. You know how people talk about how they have “baggage” and it usually comes from daddy issues or bad relationships or a drama teacher with a bushy mustache and a windowless van? Well, why not carry the baggage of just recognizing that you don’t feel like shit and you don’t have anything serious to worry about right now. Yeah, in twenty years, florida will be underwater, we’ll be dealing with pandemic disease, a crippled economy, super powered mega idiots that are being bred as we speak, rogue nations, fire in the streets, packs of dogs, warlords and rape squads and all that shit, so don’t get all fucking depressed today. You got plenty of time in your life set aside for being depressed. Get out there and whack off casually and eat a sandwich with something kind of gross on it. Live. You get one chance out there. Don’t be a pussy.