put the fucking lotion in the basket!

It’s not even nine in the morning and my kid has bitten someone in the daycare already. It’s a bummer, because it’s something that he’s obviously learned to associate with the environment there, since he doesn’t do it at home or in other situations with other kids, but today, apparently, he bit some kid as soon as I walked out the door, while I was still in the parking lot. Now, most of me is pissed off, but a small part of me admires his moxie. He’s obviously treading on the perimeter of what he can get away with. That’s risk taking behavior, which can manifest in stupidity like drunk driving, sure, but which is also the hallmark of greatness. Without risk taking, there’s nothing but stasis. Flying that kite with the key attached to it in a storm: Risk taking behavior, and for that risk, we named the hundred dollar bill after Benjamin Benjamin, our greatest president. Breaking the sound barrier, flying to the moon, inventing penicillin, creating Playboy, doing the first McTwist, ending slavery, uh… I guess you’ve gotta throw STARTING slavery in there too, which is a bad thing, but well, it laid the foundation for the greatest…look, never mind that one. Forget that all together. Let’s list more classic POSITIVE risk taking behavior: Crossing the deleware, Killing Kennedy…no. Fuck that one too, um…calling your shot (a la Babe Ruth), storming the Bastille, taking a gun to an Obama Rally…No, that’s just sociopathic idiocy, which is different. Anyway, you get the point. Risk taking behavior has been getting a bad rap lately, thank you health care professionals, abstinence counselors and anti teen smoking campaigns, but the truth is, it’s one of the most important characteristics for a capable person to possess. It’s what sets the spectacular people apart from the dullard turds that pollute the hallways and breakrooms of this world. Show me someone who did something truly great without taking any risks. Go ahead. Stumped? Well, that’s because nothing notable is without risk. Sure, sure sure sure sure sure, there’s calculated risk (investing in a little known coffee chain from Washington state in 1991) and there’s stupid risk (taking LSD and going out on your dirtbike) but there’s calculated risk that turns out pretty badly (Martha Stewart) and stupid risks that turn out amazingly well (Johnny Knoxville).
My point here is that what happened this morning in the daycare was more than just a kid biting a kid. He was waiting for me to leave so he could crack open his proverbial beer behind the garage. That is CLASSIC risk taking behavior, and although I must and will do everything I can to discourage such behavior, I’m cautiously optimistic that at least he’s got it in him to potentially cross the Delaware someday. Even if that means he might not always wear rubbers. Which he really should. Not that he needs to think about that anytime soon…Jesus. Stop thinking about my baby wearing rubbers please. That’s disturbing.
So, what’s the big lesson here folks? Can you guess? What is risk taking behavior a manifestation of? What is the character trait that leads people to believe that they can pull off a risky move? Give up? Come on! How long have you been reading this shit, man? It’s fucking CONFIDENCE. No more, no less. Look at all the examples above. They highlight the necessity of confidence in doing anything worthwhile, and that includes EVERYTHING from discovering electricity to toppling the French Monarchy to boning the girl in your physics class. Can’t stress this enough, people.
Okay, my good buddy and writing partner just told me last night that his cousin is now in correspondence with a serial killer on death row. He thinks that there’s a really good chance that they’re gonna get married someday. Now, that’s hardly shocking, is it? This happens all the time. Serial killers have chicks lining up to marry them. Why? Because what’s more confident than a serial killer? Not much. You’re essentially not only confident that you can out muscle whoever it is that you’re killing, but you’re confident that your reasons for doing it are more important than their lives, you’re confident that you won’t get caught or that if you do, you’ll be able to handle it and, AND you’re confident enough to get out there and date after being convicted of doing something pretty fucking heinous. That’s nutsack city, folks. Not saying it’s good. It’s bad. Okay? Yes. Killing people is a bad manifestation of confidence gone berserk. BUT, notice that it STILL draws in women. That’s how powerful this shit is, kids.
Okay, what have we learned today? Confidence engenders risk taking behavior which can be good but can also be bad, particularly when it gets to the point of serial killing. Also, my kid is a biter, and although I may have just inadvertently correlated that with taking the lives of several people and using their skin to reupholster the couch, what I really think is that he’s gonna be the next Ben Franklin. He’s already got that hairstyle after all. And Ben Franklin was a pimp. For real. His favorite thing to do was to invite his buddies over and then be in the middle of boning some chick right in the living room when they showed up. True. Not that I want my kid doing that either…Sheesh. This is a slippery topic, man. I’m going to work.
xoxox