Thursday, July 24, 2008

Aye, Chihuahuas!

I’m going to California. Right now my wife is folding baby clothes and attempting to stuff two months worth of her outfits into a two week bag, all for a four day excursion. It’s my cousin’s wedding. He’s the one who wore a sombrero and two glazed eyes the entire weekend of my wedding. He’s a good dude and I’m looking forward to seeing family, which is a really rare feeling for me…whatever. The point is, we boarded our dogs today, packed formula, I thought out outfits and figured out exactly which pants and which tie…jesus fucking Christ. You get the point. The whole thing leaves a decidedly adult taste in my mouth, and not the type of adult taste that comes from doing adult things, like rimjobs or what have you. No, I feel like a real grown up. For fucks sakes, it’s eleven oclock and the thought ‘wow, it’s getting late. I need to get some sleep’ just passed through my consciousness. God help us all.
Okay, so in the spirit of counter acting the sort of introspection that comes part and parcel with packing for a family vacation, I’m going to list my favorite euphemisms for shitting on another person’s chest. Most of these are going to be made up on the spot, but the first two, well, those have been passed down for generations over wicky sticks and Icehouses and paper bags of gold paint. Enough rambling. Presenting: Great ways to ask for someone to shit on your chest without having to say, “honey, will you shit on my chest?”:
Babe, I’d really love a:
Hot Sandwich
Cleveland steamer
Hot carl
Chunky monkey
Burnt worm
Soft serve
Corn pone soufflé
Chili dog with all the trimmings
Reverse thermos
Pudding parfait
Greek pencil
Dead puppy
Groundhog mound
Amish eel.
ghoul drool

Okay, have a nice weekend. Try not to get drunk around your family while holding your flailing baby and screaming “don’t you tell me about raising kids!”
Try not to do that, kay?

18 comments:

Greg said...

i think we're better served with more pointers on navigating the storms and doldrums of life, ala the entry prior to this. what about 10 ways to get a rimjob, guaranteed? i'll be eagerly awaiting any tips, get on that

Candice said...

you are a fantastic writer. seriously.

cdt said...

i'm having flashbacks of an awkward conversation in which my brother explained to me what a hot carl is.

wow. hot carl. there's gotta be a better way to say that.

have a nice family trip.

Drunk Rebel said...

awesome blog man. by the way, you rock. also as for some advice: hows the best way to hit on a girl in my office when i work in a warehouse without getting slapped with sexual harrasment? thats one i have yet to figure out on my own. perhaps my level of suaveness is a factor? thanks. -jackson

brian10488 said...

why would you want advice on getting a rimjob? How about advice on how to please a street hobo in downtown chicago..

Luke said...

I'm fairly certain I've developed hemorrhoids.

SaulioSBJ123 said...

Isn't there another city's steamer that means shitting in a mouth? I can't remember, but I think there are steamers that aren't from Cleveland.

Nice Jewish Boy said...

i love that you use rim job in every post!!! keep going my friend!

nobigdizzleroade said...

How can he not forget to use that fantastical word: his entire blog is one crusted rimjob.

P.S Don't Write said...

"pudding parfait". oh lord, I work with someone who's last name is Parfait. Obviously calling her Pudding from now on.

Tony said...

BK, you should totally write a solo album while the Arms are on hiatus. Probably not the first time you have heard this vital piece of worldly advice...

mediocore said...

@Luke: Those are just speed bumps. Relax and enjoy the ride!

Wonderbread said...

I usually ask for a "maize love pile" or "a nice helping of fundamental thought soft serve."

prettyvacant3133 said...

You are quite the entertaining writer.

Max said...

is brendan kelly's transition into adulthood accompanied by a blog? is that what i'm seeing here? who would've thunk it? it goes without saying that we must see the wisdom in this man's defiance of convention.

hankrenob said...

Its amazing. Im almost 30 living in shitthole Toledo, OH and i find things in your blogs that are similar to myself. I am a lazy, drunken, ass who has no motivation to do anything in life other than be wasted and find humor in everything that isnt stuff happening to myself. I think thats why your blogs are so eye catching. I am a married father of two so i have to try not to look like such a drunk lazy ass so my kids dont grow up like myself. Golden showers are more exciting than shit on a chest because it lasts longer than a couple of tirds landing on you unless person has the shits wich is a whole other story. I find chicks like it when you just shove your balls in there mouth when theyre least expecting it. Ive gotten lots of great reactions from it. Saw you at the grog shop in cleveland. was going to say whats up when you got a drink at the bar but nobody wants to be " That Guy " who is like dude you fucking rock man. Kinda like wearing the band youre seeing's t-shirt to the show. Having a girl naked farting in your face is pretty awesome if i do say so. There is an amazing site i found the other day called cakefarts. Never would have thought of that one but, im just one strange person who just doesnt think very fast. Keep the kickass blogs coming and maybe youll be back on the road soon and in the area. Oh by the way I wore a lawrence arm shirt to the show at the grog shop, i was That Guy!!!

David Dunnem said...

i always liked: "chocolate shirt" AKA "chocolate v-neck"

Suzanne said...

I have a question;

After felching, is it socially acceptable to spit, or must you swallow? I'd hate to be uncouth and not realize it..