I’m going to California. Right now my wife is folding baby clothes and attempting to stuff two months worth of her outfits into a two week bag, all for a four day excursion. It’s my cousin’s wedding. He’s the one who wore a sombrero and two glazed eyes the entire weekend of my wedding. He’s a good dude and I’m looking forward to seeing family, which is a really rare feeling for me…whatever. The point is, we boarded our dogs today, packed formula, I thought out outfits and figured out exactly which pants and which tie…jesus fucking Christ. You get the point. The whole thing leaves a decidedly adult taste in my mouth, and not the type of adult taste that comes from doing adult things, like rimjobs or what have you. No, I feel like a real grown up. For fucks sakes, it’s eleven oclock and the thought ‘wow, it’s getting late. I need to get some sleep’ just passed through my consciousness. God help us all.
Okay, so in the spirit of counter acting the sort of introspection that comes part and parcel with packing for a family vacation, I’m going to list my favorite euphemisms for shitting on another person’s chest. Most of these are going to be made up on the spot, but the first two, well, those have been passed down for generations over wicky sticks and Icehouses and paper bags of gold paint. Enough rambling. Presenting: Great ways to ask for someone to shit on your chest without having to say, “honey, will you shit on my chest?”:
Babe, I’d really love a:
Corn pone soufflé
Chili dog with all the trimmings
Okay, have a nice weekend. Try not to get drunk around your family while holding your flailing baby and screaming “don’t you tell me about raising kids!”
Try not to do that, kay?