Good morning. I’ve been up for three hours. It’s currently 8am. Next to me, on the ground is a small man engrossed in a mirror. And thank god. He’s going to need entertaining, food, ass wiping, calming, more ass wiping, etc. all day long, so as long as he’s attuned to that mirror, I say great.
My wife’s back at work and I’m doing a pretty great Mr. Mom impression here at home, complete with grocery coupon poker and using the vacuum to suck crap from the baby’s butt crack. What a time, I tell you. They should have a reality show about me!
Now, this is one of the most common, and unbelievably stupid things getting said these days. “Oh, you should see my office! It’s crazy, and Glen from accounts payable, he’s so funny. They should do a show about us!” Okay, firstly, no. Glen is not funny at all. He got those jokes from Dane Cook (and, for the record, reducing things to truncated nicknames and flailing around while you repeat said nickname is not a joke. It’s kind of what retarded people do. Which is fine…if you’re retarded), and secondly, we don’t need any more of these windows into the lives of the ordinary jagoff. I mean, there’s a show about hairdressers now? Okay, in a particularly dull decade, maybe, maybe that gets a pass. But a fucking tanning salon? Those people are just cashiers! What the fuck has happened to the palate of humanity? “Tonight on America’s next top cashier, will Damon be able to change out a hundred, and put half the balance on a debit card? Or will Jill swoop in and expose his lack of proficiency with the micros system?”
Fuck. There’s a show about dog groomers? Man, my sister is a dog groomer, and she’s apparently great at it. And you know what? She’s interesting. I don’t think, however, (and god, I hope I’m not mistaken) that the portion of her day that she’s shaving down labradoodles is the most consistently interesting part.
You know what’s a good reality show? That one about hookers on HBO. Now, there’s something that could stand to be demystified a little bit. Yeah, they gloss over the crying and all the coke and the fighting, and all that, but at least it doesn’t demonize sex, hookers or horniness in general. Oh, and that guy, the pimp, he’s revolting, for sure, so that part’s pretty fun to watch, too.
Ugh, I work for the next four days in a row, and my friend Sean is coming to town tomorrow. Sean is one of my very favorite people in the universe. He used to sell merch for my band, and he and I often rocked this little alternate universe for the fans. In it, he was a hobo, and we’d just kind of picked him up while on tour. Great bit. Really played in Iowa and SF. Two places that would hate to admit they fell for the same gag as the other. There you go red and blue states! You’ve been united by a common belief that Sean Nader could potentially be homeless.
Okay, so I got a letter from a dude, and I think it deserves addressing. I’m going to reprint it here, and then offer my typically amazing, sagelike advice. Here goes:
what do i do if my girlfriend doesn't like sex? we get along great, we have zero fights and i think i could marry this girl someday. but, she doesn't like sex at all! i mean, it makes sense, i wouldn't want to have sex with me either, but she doesn't even like porn or masturbating or talking about sex or anything...
ps. i love sex.
Your letter didn’t really get into any of the specifics, so I’m going to have to ask some questions myself. Has she never, ever been into sex with you? Or did she used to like to fuck, but it’s slowly dwindled and then dried up? I ask, because these mean two super different things.
Firstly, everyone is born to like sex. It’s an instinct, like hunger or the need to sleep. People are genetically programmed to fuck. If that trait wasn’t there, then that DNA wouldn’t be passed down, right? So, nature has a pretty good check and balance system set up to make sure that everyone is at least born with the desire to do a little boning. What happens after we’re born, however, can turn that desire off, sometimes temporarily, sometimes for good.
So, I’m no professional sexologist or anything, I’m just a..well, there’s an ‘about me’ section just to the right of this (it's entitled 'this is this is'), but here’s what I think. If she’s never, ever been into sex, she’s either a) a young or extremely repressed individual who isn’t aware of or ready to be honest with herself about her own sexual needs (Is she a virgin? Under 18? Some sort of reborn virgin? Is her dad a minister? Does she churn her own butter and wear her hair in a bun?) or, she’s had a fucked up experience in the past and it’s made her wary and/or mistrustful of sex. Lots of people who’ve been sexually abused, or just started fucking way too young end up completely turning off their libidos. Probably doesn’t need much explaining, right? You go through some crappy, horrifying experience, you automatically retool your mind to no longer want those things. I used to love toasted cheese sandwiches. When I was 7, I was home from school, sick in bed, reading the biography of Knute Rockne and eating toasted cheese sandwiches on a lazy Tuesday. Well, Two glasses of milk in, I barfed up the sandwiches and the milk all over my pajamas and bed. I still can’t look at toasted cheese sandwiches. Now, imagine that those toasted cheese sandwiches are dicks…yeah, again, not much explanation needed, but my team of shrinks say if I talk about it, someday I’ll be able to eat toasted cheese again…
Anyhoo, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that some people who have fucked up sexual experiences end up becoming super promiscuous as well, (see: the Internet for about ten million examples) and some cope real well and/or get counseling and end up with healthy sex drives. But, Eric, that doesn’t sound like your girlfriend, huh? Okay, next thing.
If she used to fuck you and she just doesn’t any more, well, sorry to tell you bud, but that means your relationship is over. There’s really not a lot of coming back from this one. I’ve been there before, and I held on for a year (yes, ladies and gentlemen, no fucking for a year! Pre internet, too! Thankfully, I lived around the corner from a pretty seedy video store) before I was finally made aware of my folly by way of my girlfriend fucking someone else. Because see, she wasn’t disinterested in fucking, as she claimed. She was disinterested in fucking me. Of course it’s much easier to just blame it on a dry, disinterested vagina and go back to watching Who’s line is it Anyway and pretend that it’s gonna get better. It won’t. I promise you this. Fucking is the heartbeat of the relationship. Once it stops, the relationship is doomed.
Okay, so, here’s what I’d say to do:
Firstly and most obviously, if the sex was there and now it’s not, suck it up and end the relationship. It’s already over, and the sooner you get out, the sooner you can lick your wounds and find someone new to hang out with, someone who won’t make you feel like an unfuckable turd. Hell, maybe it’ll be just the thing that will make her want to start fucking you again. That too, is not unprecedented. Anyway, for your sake, I hope this is the advice you need, because the other scenario is much dicier.
Okay, so she’s never wanted to fuck, huh? Well, you’re going to need to talk to her and let her know that you do, in fact, like sex. It’s not just a reasonable thing to expect in a relationship, it’s required. Now, I’m not saying that you get to fuck her whenever you want, that’s clearly creepy. But, no one should be stuck in a sexless monogamy. That’s like starving a person. It’s cruel. Regardless of her reasons, the conversation needs to be the same. In a more tactful way than I’m about to say it, you need to say “Look, I need to fuck every now and again. Actually, fairly regularly. I’m not trying in any way to pressure you, but I need you to know that I can’t stick in this relationship if this is how it’s gonna always be, as I have needs that I can’t just deny.” Because, dude, you don’t want to marry someone who will never fuck you. That’s just setting yourself up to cheat the second you meet someone attractive who is, in fact, interested in fucking you. And divorce is messy, expensive, and the result of people who stupidly jump into marriages that they shouldn’t. Like when, for example, one party refuses to fuck the other.
Honestly, Eric, she’s going to have to be pretty mature to deal well with this conversation. And, depending on her situation, she might not be ready to have it. So, chances are good that you’re screwed, and not in the way that you so clearly need. Yikes. Sorry duder.
See, that’s some advice, people! They should do a reality show about me typing on my computer. It would be amazing! My baby could costar! He is so funny. He’s like a younger, more dynamic Dane Cook!
Oh, and I’m well aware of the irony of blogging about the unnecessary proliferation of pointless reality programming being funneled into people’s minds via screens, so save it, smartguy.
Okay, who wants a margarita?