Thursday, July 24, 2008

the secrets of my success

Okay, hi everyone! Thanks for all the great letters. I’ve got to head to work soon, like I mentioned in the last entry (Suck Me Beautiful), so I’m unfortunately not going to have time to delve into all your various depravities. Fear not, though. I’ve compiled the first of what’s sure to be many lists that will help you all navigate the storms and doldrums of life.
Ten ways to get a chick to blow you. (Guaranteed!)
1. Make sure some part of your dick/ballsack is exposed, or poking out of something at all times. This is a big turn on for chicks. It’s the male take on cleavage or ass cheeks.
2. Act pathetic. Chicks love whiny dudes who drone on about how the world is unfair and crushing them. Dedicate some really crappy obscure indie rock song to them at the bar, or better yet, play it for her yourself on an acoustic guitar.
3. Sometimes the direct approach is the best. “These balls ain’t gonna gargle themselves” is more effective than you might imagine.
4. talk about who you know. Even if you don’t know anyone cool, make it up! “Yeah, I was over at Dave (Grohl)’s house last night shooting pool with Joe (Francis [of Girls Gone Wild])” Just insert it into your convo casually, and before you know it, you’ll be in heaven
5. Talk about how well read you are, right off the bat. Be condescending if necessary. It’s important to let her know how much smarter you are than her.
6. Act like you care about animals and flowers and dumb shit like that. Coo at a baby or something.
7. Casually drop this into a conversation: “Man, I love eating pussy. I could do it all day, if I didn’t have to work.”
8. Wear lots of rings and necklaces. Also, groom your facial hair meticulously and make sure that the ladies can smell that cologne. This shows you care about taking care of yourself.
9. If you’re black, act white. If you’re white, act black. If you’re Latino act Asian. If you’re Asian, (and I’m including the subcontinent here, guys) act black. This scrambles girls’ circuits, and drives ‘em absolutely wild.
10. If you've tried everything else, and nothing is working, be a celebrity. This never fails.
Okay, there you have it. Write in and let me know how it goes! Happy hunting.


Nice Jewish Boy said...

This is also a good way to get guys to blow you too!

Candice said...

i'm offended and disappointed that one of your tips didn't include my name and contact info with a note to contact me if all else fails.

wittymaybe said...

I still can't find the vagina yet. Are you sure it's under the skirt?

Ross said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ross said...

dude did all 10 of them. got 11 bjs how dose that work out?

OmgBrendanKellyHasABlog said...

I can find the vagina, but not the clitoris. :-\

rex nowacki said...

i like masticating box. but what if your penis is an absolute monster? not in a kind of way. like in the monster movie sense. it's horrid to look at. i mean, what if it was horrid to look at. do the rules still apply? you are the expert.

rhetorical, obvsly. it's beautiful and smooth and not misshapen or at all awkwardly bent

Anonymous said...

11. legally change your name to ray smuckles.

Kasper said...

First off, let me borrow your kid. I need him to get your wife to blow me.

Second, shouldn't it be "Happy cunting" instead of "Happy hunting"?

Anonymous said...

Thanks, the next school dance should be a rewarding one!

Anonymous said...

Im so ronery

Jason(still acting black since tha dayzzz)

AT! said...

exposed boner is a good one.
pair that with a bit of pre-bj naked cuddling and sexing and making her laugh and you probably got it in the bag.

Wonderbread said...

I tried tip #1 at the airport, got arrested for terrorism, and now I am in Guantanamo Bay getting sucked off by other inmates while being sodomized and photographed by the guards.

Thanks! It really works!

Anonymous said...

2, 4, 5, 7, 8, and 9 dont work.

All the others, work like charms.

especially the exposed balls. Just let the scrot dangle a bit, and they are all over it.