Thursday, June 23, 2011

Oh shit!

Before we get started with our regularly scheduled programming, I’d like to let y’all know that my favorite living visual artist is having an art show this weekend in Detroit Michigan. His name is Sean Nader and he’s one of my favorite people in the world as well. He used to work with the Lawrence Arms in many capacities and now he’s gonna show off his perversions to the world. If you live in Detroit, you’d be fucking stupid to miss this (if for no other reason than because there’s free beer!). Nader’s work is big, depraved and affordable and the information for his show is below. Y’all should go:

Sean Nader presents:
LOVERS FAMILY and FRIENDS
(tomorrow) Fri June 24 and Sat June 25
At the Rectory! 4231 St. Aubin in Detroit Mi. 6-11PM both nights
FREEE BEER!!!!!!!!




Okay, so as some of you more tech savvy readers (or Chicagoan luddites who are still shackled to inky paper like some kind of old-timey revivalist) may know last night we here at Bad Sandwich world HQ were voted best local blog by the masses, led in no small part by you, my faithful dogs of war! This is truly the only award I’ve ever won for anything (unless you count a college scholarship as an award, which I don’t for the purposes of this column’s sentiment) and I couldn’t be more grateful. First, you guys came here and started fights in my comments section and made it look like I had a vast and powerful readership. Then, you sent me things that I needed, like hats, bank statements, pictures of your tits and finally even a computer. I can’t thank you all enough for being such wonderful and selfless slaves, but I’m gonna try. Ready?

Okay, look under your seats. Yeah, that’s right. The seat you’re in. Feel that? That’s right! It’s a brand new Dyson Bladeless Air Multiplier! I had them all shipped to you! Why? Because they’re fucking great, that’s why! Ignore the smugness of the guy in the commercials, and ask your mom if that new space aged vacuum isn’t the best thing she’s bought herself since she dropped 29 bucks on the ‘deep tissue massager’ from SkyMall a few years back. She’ll tell you, that dude isn’t fucking around when it comes to reinventing things, and the air multiplier is his take on the all-too-often-revolting oscillating fan. Listen, don’t be ungrateful! It was hard to find all of you and get those under your seats. If by some off chance I skipped over you, sorry. I want to make things right. Just email me at greasycockchugger27@yahoo.com and I’ll get one right out to you

But wait, there’s more. Reach back under your seat! Do it. Don’t feel anything? Check right beneath the seat, like where you usually wipe your boogers! Still don’t feel anything do you? That’s right! My crack team of specialists have gone to all your houses and eliminated the jizz stains and errant booger deposits from all your favorite hiding spots (Pete C in Cleveland, you’re not even trying to hide things apparently). We did it using Fantastik brand spray cleaner! No spray cleaner gets the job done better. Quite simply, it’s Fantastik!

Okay, okay. I know what you’re all saying…sure, an air multiplier keeps me cool while I’m sweatily masturbating under the heated weight of my laptop and I’ve now got a whole lot more space for loads and mucous, but so what? These gifts aren’t really that sexy. Well, look underneath your monitor. Okay, got the envelope? Open it. That’s right. We’re all going to AustraaaaaaaaaLIA! (those of you who already live in Australia will be treated to ‘hand release’ Thai Massages at the parlor the least geographic distance from your home as shown by Google Earth, the only internet map you’ll ever need). I’ve personally arranged for limos to pick us all up at our homes and for US air marshals to carry all of us on their backs through security and onto our private jet like camels with guns, where they’ll keep an eye on all of you and make sure you don’t try to mob me and rip my clothes or anything. THEN, once we arrive, I’m going to horribly mangle an A list actor as he attempts to welcome us in front of the Sydney Opera house. From there, it’s off to Darwin where we’ll drive 400 km inland and camp for twenty nine days in sunny Elsey. It’s gonna be the trip of a lifetime.
Food and toilet paper not supplied!

Seriously though folks, thanks so much for voting for the BSC and thanks to the Reader for having the nerve to count the votes and determine that this filth should still win. Shit’s vaguely touching.

Also, I won best Singer-songwriter too somehow, which is weird because while I do sing and write songs, I tend to think of that as a designation for you know, hippies. So, uh, suck on it, hippies. Go back to your hack circles, staring at your fingers and your garden burger farts.

Whatever. I’ll take all the accolades I can get right now. You should all come see me play with Kevin Seconds June 25th at Panchos in Logan and see what the rhubarb is all about. I am, after all the award winningist best singer songwriter in the third largest US city. That should help move some tickets, eh?

Finally, the Lawrence Arms won a lot of shit too. We beat out Wilco for ‘best band that’s been around forever’ (I’ve been waiting patiently for the day we’d unseat Wilco from something), we won ‘best rock band’ and also ‘best band name,’ and The Falcon came in second in that category. The fact that The Lawrence Arms is a ridiculous band name notwithstanding, this sweeping victory highlights a few things, but the big one is this: either you people are insanely dedicated, or absolutely no one else votes for this shit. Either way, it’s all going right on my college application.


Seriously, thanks everyone!
See you in Australia.
xxoxoxooxox

10 comments:

brian said...

Zed: Hi are you the mayor?
Mayor: Yes I am.
Zed: I voted for you.
Mayor: That's very nice of you.

police academy 2 anybody? hello?
i tried to find a video link but had
no success. it would have been much
more effective.

Donnie said...

you're welcome, now go on tour!

Boombox-27 said...

So, OK, I'd say your loyal Dogs went over and above your expectations on this Reader thing and it's time to expect some restitution. This free daily entertainment isn't enough.

You, BK, need to get on the phone with the people over at Red Bull Riotfest (what the fuck?)headquarters and tell them that Chicago's best singer songwriter and frontman of Chicago's favorite band wants to, nay, DEMANDS to play as a headliner. All five nights. You've earned it.
Love,
Box.

laurabm said...

red scare!

Candice said...

what laura said!

Matthew said...

Nice man! Good to hear you're getting some street cred for the things we as fans have always known you were good at!

dustyfloors said...

Congratulations, brother!
Well earned!!!

FranklinStein said...

MAD props, broner. Be on the lookout for some FILTHY dick shots in your emailbox. You know, as an accolade.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tyler said...

i'm too drowsy to think of an adequate dick joke, so i'll just say this is all well-deserved, brendan. i think i speak for everyone when i say that this blog of yours is a worthy respite from the amputee and scat porn that saturates so much of our mornings.