Monday, June 6, 2011

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Okay, it’s time for a tiny bit of stocktaking and roll call. We haven’t done this in a while. Welcome, all you newcomers and longtime readers with terrible memories to Bad Sandwich Chronicles. I’m Brendan, your overlord. You can call me beex if you want. You people are my Dogs of War (so named for the badasses in the Road Warrior) and the comment section beneath each post is called the Sock Drawer (so named because, much like the sock drawer of a teenaged boy, once you get in there, there’s a lot more jizz content than you’d expect) and those who post there have taken to calling themselves socks. That’s pretty much all the red tape around here.

There used to be a message board that was located elsewhere (also called the sock drawer) and there was even a pretty wild tumblr thing but I don’t know how active that stuff still is. I have/had nothing to do with either one.

As for me, my purpose here is to write something for you to read on your phone while you’re taking a dump. Some things I like to write about include art, parenting (I’ve got 2 small kids), perversions, celebrities, fascinating news items and various dickjokes/fart sounds. Oh, and I also dole out advice to Dogs of War in need. In return, you guys can vote for me for best local blog (and any other category you think may be appropriate) over at the readers best of 2011 poll here.

So, one of my favorite things is the buzzard. I’ve written about buzzards here before, but for those of you unfamiliar with the term, a buzzard is one of those guys that hangs out by the drainpipe listening to Judas Priest, smoking resin and spraypainting shit about slayer everywhere. They’re often found lurking around gas stations or other places that sell beer and are known to wear awesome clothes. Buzzards, true buzzards, come from South Elgin, Illinois, as that’s where the term was coined, but as someone who’s not from Elgin, I’d say that it’s too cool of a term for too cool a group of people to keep it that specific, so yeah. We’ll just go ahead and call ‘em all buzzards, right? Good.

Well, here’s the thing: Buzzards are done, bro. I mean, like hash, Madonna, porn stores and Roger Ebert, they’re still here and they’re still pretty cool but they’re no longer on the tip of the awesomeness iceberg. Buzzards are peaking right now and a new awesomest dude in the world is about to come supplant them, and after watching this video yesterday, I know who it is.

The new buzzards are euro dudes. Euro dudes are awesome. They’re stylish, unrepentantly weird, they drink and fuck and do everything way more wantonly than we pussified Americans do, and they do it all while looking vaguely gay and kind of ‘point and laugh’ hilarious. Yes, the euro dude is my best of 2011.

Okay, so we can talk about that more later, but for now let’s talk about that video and that song, eh? It’s fucking amazing! Recently Rebecca Black made a name for herself by being a young girl singing a dumb song that people liked to laugh at, but this song/video is WAY better than Friday. I mean, I mentioned right here on this very mucous colored page that I thought that the whole Friday phenomenon was kind of dumb, mean and super duper blown out of proportion for something that’s not even bad enough to circle around and return to good. “I Don’t Wanna Be A Crappy Housewife” however, is absolutely fucking glorious. It’s catchy, it’s got a pretty good melody and the girl that sings it exists in that hot-but-20-lbs-overweight-so-I’m-gonna-be-real-slutty-to-compensate-for-my-poor-self-image-in-an-attempt-to-be-reassured-about-my-hotness zone that’s just so boner inducing that you’ve pretty much gotta wear sweatpants to watch the video.

Yeah, old Tonje is pretty awesome. She’s remarkably uncoordinated. She can’t walk in her high heels and almost falls twice before the vocals even kick in. She doesn’t even fucking STAND UP when she sings the chorus! She’s just a little pretty girl trapped in a grownup body all right folks (which is one of the creepiest things ever said over music) .

But the real heroes of this whole video are, of course, the two euro dudes that come in and perform one of the most uniquely uninspired (but totally fist pumpingly awesome) raps I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s got everything I love: broken English, thick accents, suit jackets with sideways hats, macho posturing right there in the middle of the restaurant where people are sitting down eating. In fact, I didn’t even know I loved that last thing until I saw this video. It’s that great, people.

Listen, you perverts can have Rebecca Black. I’m all about Tonje and her homeboys. Can you imagine the parties that they throw? I picture 9am, cinderblock room with two mattresses on the floor, a toilet with no seat down the hall, a huge bag of cash, champagne straight from the bottle, high fiving over blowjobs, huge amounts of some drug I’ve never even heard of yet and some of the worst music you’ve ever heard blasting so loudly that it makes your eyes bleed. Probably not the kind of life I want to live, but I’d love to hang out for a morning/afternoon and watch the creepy madness ensue.

Have you ever seen that German dude that raps from behind a golden skull mask? That shit is AWESOME!!!!!!! I’m telling you guys, rapping euro dudes is the next big thing. You heard it here first. Buy stock in ridiculous. It’s gonna be everywhere this summer.


LR said...

You're more right than you know.

11 million views.

Tyler said...

i've never been this excited about ANYTHING :/

Candice said...

we're still alive and drunk

AND expecting our first sock baby in 3 weeks!

Brendan Kelly said...

well, you guys should also watch this

it's too beautiful to describe, but let's just say I think we can all stop doing art now, because true human expression of the splendor and grace and beautiful tragedy of life has finally been achieved.

Anonymous said...

The backup euro dude looks like Robb.

Drunken Acorn said...

Better then Rebecca Black, not as good as brokeNCYDE.

Robb said...

Kevin - when you're right you're right!
Other dudes that look just like me:
james brolin - amityville
ryan reynolds - amityville remake
kevin costner - opening scene of robin hood: prince of thieves
sean conncery - closing scene of robin hood: prince of thieves
paul giamatti
laurence fishburne - nightmare on elm street 3
kurt russel - the thing
billy ray cyrus - 'southen rain' album cover
jason patric - rush
daniel stern - home alone
matthew perry - rough period
father christmas

Robb said...

crosby, stills & nash
bin laden
a butterknife made in the early '70s
the well-worn handle of a laughably heavy axe
eggs n' bacon
waffle house
master splinter
donald gibb - bloodsport & revenge of the nerds
shang tsung
dirty terrorist
muslim oil, machine gun
faraway lands
Aladdin genie
hard workin' man
cab driver, Istanbul, 1976

Robb said...

other dudes I look like:
pot of black coffee
basic white napkin in rural diner - plaid shirt
Lassie come home
prison veteran
charles manson
sam elliot
popular western conceptions of jesus christ
hippy faggot
drive-in theater
he's a good dog, shaggy dog
brothers grimm
sea pirates
disco funky ball
sex ed video
laserdisc format
spare some change?
egg biscuit omelet melt
college library
"I'll carry your books"
sweat on my brow
louie the lightning bug
"there's a killer out there"
"we'll be safe here"
tremendous athlete
a good cigar
olden days
now on videocassette
steven spielberg
pat on the shoulder
early '80s post-apocalyptic landscape
out of gas
sleeping bag
confederate soldier
I'm a doctor
zz top
"there's no aenesthesia"

Anonymous said...

dgibby said...

South Elgin is full of rich people and 18 year old sluts that work in food chains around town. Its the American Dream.