where's my goddamned cane?

Big weekend, eh? The gays in New York are all getting married and the gays in Chicago (and presumably everywhere that there’s a gay parade) are all waking up bleary eyed and hung over, and dragging themselves into work today, perhaps filled with a little more joy or shame or both than usual thanks to what would have to have been one of the most righteous gay parades of all time.

I didn’t go. I’m kind of old and I’ve got kids and well…I dunno, man. I didn’t go. Lately, and I mean in the last month or two, a lot of things have kind of changed for me. It’s weird, but I’d say I’ve definitely turned a corner in terms of age or at least age appropriate behavior. I’m not sure I like it, but uh…I dunno. It seems like I’m stuck with it.

For example, I can no longer really take shots. It’s not just that hangovers these days feel like a phalanx of orcs trampling my soul (though that’s part of it). It’s not just that shots make me way too drunk way too fast. It’s that physically taking shots is difficult now. I used to just suck em down and that was that, but now it’s all I can do to not barf when I take a shot and then next thing I know I’m practically asleep on my feet. It’s just not actually fun anymore. I don’t like this new turn of events at all, but I’m not gonna just keep doing something out of dumb tradition if it no longer makes me feel good (that’s only cool if we’re talking about giving bj’s, folks [heyo!]). In fact, the entire time I was in San Francisco playing all those shows I only took one shot, and that was on stage when I played solo. That’s a paltry score for such a mammoth weekend, but you know what? I felt shitty enough every single day without shots, so it looks like they’re something I gotta phase out, at least for a while.

Speaking of, hangovers are so bad these days that they’re actually deterring me from drinking at all when I’m not out in an already boozy social situation (like say, a show or something like that). This is an entirely new development. When I was younger I never got hungover at all. Never ever. In fact, I credit my traditional ability to wake up feeling fine no matter what happened the night before with a huge part of why drinking has always been such an enjoyable pastime. I never really felt the consequences. However, as I got older (and I’m aware that this happens to everyone) hangovers began to happen and then they got bad. Then they got really bad. Now, they’re so bad that it’s ridiculous. It’s not even that they’re physically painful. I don’t really tend to get the ‘headache-barfing’ style hangovers. It’s that they cause me to irrationally panic and fear for my safety in a way that’s completely illogical. An example of this would be the following situation which has become increasingly common: I’m lying in bed. Suddenly I can’t lay there any more because I’m freaking out that the ceiling fan is gonna fall out of the ceiling and land on me, fucking me up terribly. A variation on this includes pictures falling off walls, spontaneous collapse of streetlights, wayward drivers just cruising up onto the sidewalk, etc. I also tend to wake up terrified about money, friendships, the future, raising my kids, and how I’ve already probably irreparably fucked them up, my own health, the health of my family and friends, and so on. It’s not that this stuff isn’t worth worrying about. It is. These are big Grown Up worries that are more logical than being concerned about the fan falling out of the ceiling and mangling me, but waking up at five AM to pore over every possible thing that could terrify me isn’t particularly productive. In fact, I think it’s the kind of thing that makes a person go insane.

Coffee, it should be noted only makes things worse. As a result I’ve gone from drinking about a pot and a half of coffee every morning to two cups. I can’t really eat red meat more than once every couple of days or I feel like shit. I can’t ollie on a skateboard without pulling all sorts of muscles. My dick is grey. Who’s on my lawn? Where did the tv station move my stories? Who’s on the phone? What the fuck is the internet? And so on. It’s weird. This shit all just happened.

I got invited to a house party the other night. A lot of my friends were going and it seemed like it would be a good time, but there was never even a single moment where I realistically considered going. It was late and I saw absolutely nothing enticing about continuing to hang out with people. This is unusual and new.

Now, I’m more interested in sitting around and making things than going out and having fun. Although I guess if I look at things that way, this is more of a return to how I used to be when I was younger. I always liked making things more than being around people. Then I got to a point where all I ever wanted to do was be around people and go to house parties and take shots and all that. Now I’m back where I started. The only problem is that now my kids are always here shitting their pants and needing shit like ‘breakfast’ and ‘love’ from me, so I don’t have a lot of time to do much when I'm home.

Whatever. That’s why I’m starting the preproduction for my new record tomorrow night. I’m stoked. To answer some questions that may arise: it’s not Lawrence Arms, it’s not the Falcon and it’s not just me and an acoustic guitar. It’s me and a rotating cast of musicians notably held down by Shawn Astrom, Eric Halborg and Nick Martin, all of whom contribute their expertise (but never all at the same time). It will be a kind of solo deal, but it’s all full instrumentation, of which I play most everything. The record is all written and four songs are already recorded in quasi final mix form. It’s gonna be weird.
I dunno. That’s all. Happy Monday.