Monday, June 27, 2011

where's my goddamned cane?

Big weekend, eh? The gays in New York are all getting married and the gays in Chicago (and presumably everywhere that there’s a gay parade) are all waking up bleary eyed and hung over, and dragging themselves into work today, perhaps filled with a little more joy or shame or both than usual thanks to what would have to have been one of the most righteous gay parades of all time.

I didn’t go. I’m kind of old and I’ve got kids and well…I dunno, man. I didn’t go. Lately, and I mean in the last month or two, a lot of things have kind of changed for me. It’s weird, but I’d say I’ve definitely turned a corner in terms of age or at least age appropriate behavior. I’m not sure I like it, but uh…I dunno. It seems like I’m stuck with it.

For example, I can no longer really take shots. It’s not just that hangovers these days feel like a phalanx of orcs trampling my soul (though that’s part of it). It’s not just that shots make me way too drunk way too fast. It’s that physically taking shots is difficult now. I used to just suck em down and that was that, but now it’s all I can do to not barf when I take a shot and then next thing I know I’m practically asleep on my feet. It’s just not actually fun anymore. I don’t like this new turn of events at all, but I’m not gonna just keep doing something out of dumb tradition if it no longer makes me feel good (that’s only cool if we’re talking about giving bj’s, folks [heyo!]). In fact, the entire time I was in San Francisco playing all those shows I only took one shot, and that was on stage when I played solo. That’s a paltry score for such a mammoth weekend, but you know what? I felt shitty enough every single day without shots, so it looks like they’re something I gotta phase out, at least for a while.

Speaking of, hangovers are so bad these days that they’re actually deterring me from drinking at all when I’m not out in an already boozy social situation (like say, a show or something like that). This is an entirely new development. When I was younger I never got hungover at all. Never ever. In fact, I credit my traditional ability to wake up feeling fine no matter what happened the night before with a huge part of why drinking has always been such an enjoyable pastime. I never really felt the consequences. However, as I got older (and I’m aware that this happens to everyone) hangovers began to happen and then they got bad. Then they got really bad. Now, they’re so bad that it’s ridiculous. It’s not even that they’re physically painful. I don’t really tend to get the ‘headache-barfing’ style hangovers. It’s that they cause me to irrationally panic and fear for my safety in a way that’s completely illogical. An example of this would be the following situation which has become increasingly common: I’m lying in bed. Suddenly I can’t lay there any more because I’m freaking out that the ceiling fan is gonna fall out of the ceiling and land on me, fucking me up terribly. A variation on this includes pictures falling off walls, spontaneous collapse of streetlights, wayward drivers just cruising up onto the sidewalk, etc. I also tend to wake up terrified about money, friendships, the future, raising my kids, and how I’ve already probably irreparably fucked them up, my own health, the health of my family and friends, and so on. It’s not that this stuff isn’t worth worrying about. It is. These are big Grown Up worries that are more logical than being concerned about the fan falling out of the ceiling and mangling me, but waking up at five AM to pore over every possible thing that could terrify me isn’t particularly productive. In fact, I think it’s the kind of thing that makes a person go insane.

Coffee, it should be noted only makes things worse. As a result I’ve gone from drinking about a pot and a half of coffee every morning to two cups. I can’t really eat red meat more than once every couple of days or I feel like shit. I can’t ollie on a skateboard without pulling all sorts of muscles. My dick is grey. Who’s on my lawn? Where did the tv station move my stories? Who’s on the phone? What the fuck is the internet? And so on. It’s weird. This shit all just happened.

I got invited to a house party the other night. A lot of my friends were going and it seemed like it would be a good time, but there was never even a single moment where I realistically considered going. It was late and I saw absolutely nothing enticing about continuing to hang out with people. This is unusual and new.

Now, I’m more interested in sitting around and making things than going out and having fun. Although I guess if I look at things that way, this is more of a return to how I used to be when I was younger. I always liked making things more than being around people. Then I got to a point where all I ever wanted to do was be around people and go to house parties and take shots and all that. Now I’m back where I started. The only problem is that now my kids are always here shitting their pants and needing shit like ‘breakfast’ and ‘love’ from me, so I don’t have a lot of time to do much when I'm home.

Whatever. That’s why I’m starting the preproduction for my new record tomorrow night. I’m stoked. To answer some questions that may arise: it’s not Lawrence Arms, it’s not the Falcon and it’s not just me and an acoustic guitar. It’s me and a rotating cast of musicians notably held down by Shawn Astrom, Eric Halborg and Nick Martin, all of whom contribute their expertise (but never all at the same time). It will be a kind of solo deal, but it’s all full instrumentation, of which I play most everything. The record is all written and four songs are already recorded in quasi final mix form. It’s gonna be weird.
I dunno. That’s all. Happy Monday.

14 comments:

MA said...

Hangover paranoia. Yes. Always. No particular headache, no urge to vomit, and complete ability to keep down food (and if I'm so inclined because for some reason a several day bender is a good idea then complete ability to more down more booze if I want as well). But fear, unbridled stupid shitting myself fear of the unknown quantities of every miniscule detail of everything. Leading to an 'oh my fucking God' moment and several days of eating fresh fruit and low-fat vegetable-heavy dishes to replenish whatever obscure nutrient I might have purged which presumably keeps the never-ending fear in check.

Then a few days later I forget about it and it starts again.

I look forward to the album.

James said...

"My dick is grey."

Thanks, Brendan.

Gantry said...

I'm in the same boat with MA & BK about the hangover paranoia. Though I will feel shitty, it's no longer an acute head/stomach thing but more in my brain. Paranoia, regret, etc...

No so much fun, but yet I still do shots for no reason. They taste worse as I get older and really do nothing but remove an additional 20 minutes of the end of the night from my memory banks. Perhaps it's time to cut back...

Mike Henry said...

I always default to "stay in and make things" too. If a day goes by that I don't, I feel like I screwed something up or I'm slipping behind. It's weird.

Spanish moss said...

Jesus. I'm 25 and the drinking anxiety started kicking in around 23. Sleep 3.5 hrs after passing out and BAM you're awake looking around wondering what the fuck you did last night and beating yourself up over every dumb thing you've ever done in your life...ever. its the worst fucking feeling. i hate myself to the point that shit starts to get scary. and this is a shot-free result. It hasn't stopped me yet but i guess thats what growing up/older is all about.

and hey, MY dick is prematurely greying.

Matthew said...

True dat! I'm 31 now, and I simply can't hang like I used to. Nor do I even have the desire. I have experienced this strange new phenomenon of 'feeling hungover before I even quit drinking' thing, how's that for feeling fucking old eh? I'll have 5-6 drinks, and if I slow down a little too much... BAM! I feel like I'm already hungover that night. But yes questioning everything in bed after a long night of drinking is probably pretty normal. That's why they call alcohol is considered a 'DEPRESSANT'. It depresses the function of the body and the mind. Which is why I don't drink as much as I used to either! Matter of fact I just dumped a hot girl because I felt like she drank too much, and she wasn't a drunk by any means. Which in my younger years, simply never would have happened!! Where's my cane??

Dan B said...

O old people. Is it kind of weird to feel old even though I'm only 18? Damn high schoolers and their Rebecca Blacks and Selena Gomezes (Who sucked hosting the Much Music Video Awards which sucks in general since its Canadian).

Great show on Saturday though Brendan! I hope I can get to the point where I can perform and be as funny as you on stage. Yay Dog Dicks! Hopefully next time you could take a picture with me or something (or I give you a bj or have sex with my girlfriend either or).

Candice said...

the first sock baby has arrived! congrats to bert and sheila. i love you already, baby violet!

Tommy said...

Cool post. I totally resonate with what your saying. It sounds a little crazy coming from you bro, I remember getting WASTED with you somewhere between Spain and France.

I've been going out lately and not drinking or not drinking as much. It's fun, I mean, not as fun as it used to be but then around 12 or so I get tired and just wanna go to bed.

I honestly think the best way to counter that is to be active: go outdoors, do yoga, go for a run, lift something, hang with the dog...this stuff makes you feel good and it's good for you.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

"Is it kind of weird to feel old even though I'm only 18?"

Obnoxious would be a better word

syr667 said...

Haha, sorry about that shot bren. Caught up in the moment of the most fun yet weirdly nostalgic weekends I can remember.
Next time I'll get it on the rocks for you.

dustyfloors said...

Psyched about this new record thing!!!

Hangover wise, I'm 27 and never got hangovers... Now it's like my head is going to explode all over the bed all day after a night of heavy drinking. Ugh. This was not a gradual thing, either... It happened some random Sunday morning last year and hasn't stopped.

laurabm said...

if you're talking about sat night, you didn't miss a thing by not going to the house party. not to hate on the people that lived there or anything, they were nice. a stinky dog, too. i bet your kids and dogs are cooler though.

Mike said...

It sounds like me. Sounds like Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Hope I'm wrong dude. Xanax is the key.