Hi, I'm a mac

My baby’s nap didn’t take this morning. He was standing in his crib jumping around when I finally gave up and went in for him. His pants were full of poo, which, let’s be fair, would make it hard for even a junkie to sleep (hey, maybe that’s why god made heroin a constipator). Now, I’m not sure what to do, so I’m forgoing the gym, using the perfect pushup (see my first entry “hello blogosphere” for details), and an inflatable exercise ball, making sure he doesn’t eat any wayward dimes and trying to type this shit all at once. I think that’s what the more articulate san Francisco hobos refer to as “multitasking.”
We’re out of everything at this house. Dogfood, diapers, asswipes for midgets, lunch crap, breakfast crap. Fuck, the only thing we have is beer. I’m like a fucking college student again, except I’m even less qualified to engage in a witty discourse about anything not pop culture oriented…
Okay, here’s what’s chapping my dickskin lately: Apple. Steve Jobs is, make no mistake, a genius. I know, that’s hardly a revolutionary statement, but people ignore his most amazing invention and focus on the small stuff. People point to the ipod and go nuts about how this little gizmo revitalized a whole industry, destroyed another industry or two and you know, changed the world. And fuck, they’re right. It did. And the iphone is pretty great too, just in terms of pushing the envelope of how we think about phones, and the computers are cool, but man, none of that shit is as important as his greatest and most overlooked innovation.
(okay, just to build suspense, I’m gonna pause here and say, Sock Drawer, a debate regarding PC’s vs. macs is uninteresting and lame. Same with any trashing of operating systems or whatever. That’s really missing the point entirely, besides being just a lame thing to argue about, you fucking nerds. That’s like watching porn and getting into an argument about sheets or leather quality or the heat at which latex becomes viscous. Anyway…)
Disposable technology. Man. This dude found out that it’s not enough to keep offering technological upgrades, you have to make shit break after a while too. See, people are, first and foremost, creatures of habit. Once shit gets to a level of ease, only a few types of folks will seek out the next level of techie advances, because really, the energy it’s gonna take to learn the new way of doing everything is gonna outweigh the amount easier it becomes, at least at first. That’s why no one bought Laser Discs…well, and they were stupidly huge…but you get the idea. That’s why people don’t really give a fuck about blu ray, or watching the whole movie on Qmov. It’s not worth the extra effort and money to make something already easy just that tiny bit better. That’s why shit has to be poorly crafted.
Think about it. Apple really nailed this one. There’s an apple store here in Chicago, and I remember going in there only 2 years after the first ipods came out and there was a bin for ‘recycling your ipod’ right there in the store. There was a sign above it that said something like “it’s been good to you, now recycle it”. Dude? Are you fucking kidding me? Those things cost like 300 bucks! I hate to sound like a fucking grandpa, but back in my day shit that cost three hundred bucks wasn’t supposed to fucking die EVER. I mean, what kind of brass iBalls does this company have that they can sell this shit for so much money and then when you bring it in because it’s broken, they can smile smugly and say “hey, it’s not supposed to last much more than 2 years. It’s been good to you, right? Now recycle it and get another one.” Fuck. You. (and yeah, I’ll take another one…snivel)
I mean, you don’t even have to go back to the days of the model T and pewter plates to get an example of how fucked up this new world order is. Remember those bricklike nokia phones that we all had when this shit first started happening? You could stuff that thing up a coked out gorilla’s ass and let him party for a week, and then once he finally passed out, you could retrieve that fucker, wipe off the banana smell and go about your business. Those fuckers were indestructible. I mean, remember those big yellow walkmen? Those things were fifty bucks and you could toss those sumbitches out of a moving car and into a pool and they’d be fine. It’s not that the technology doesn’t EXIST to make these fucking things last…it’s that they actively have a business model that encourages the manufacture of shoddy products in order to keep everyone in lines at the apple store waiting to talk to dumb hacker nerds with pimples and bad breath and condescending attitudes and stupid ringer tees on and have them point out that the product line is perfect, but it’s quickly evolving and as such, this one piece of gear that you have that actually still works is outmoded, sorry. Can’t replace those speakers that totally suck and broke after six months, because we use new ports now.
ARGH! Fuck, man. You’re so fucking….smart. Jesus. It’s so smart it burns me up inside. I think that Steve Jobs seriously (seriously) applied the principles of the drug trade to the “white market economy” (get it? Because macs are to white people what uh…oooh, jeez, I dunno…this analogy is teetering dangerously close to uh, racist…nevermind). It’s like, they get you hooked, then you get some gear, then it suddenly runs out, then you need more shit to keep the shit you already have going and then you’re so deep into the fucking cult that learning to use a dell would be like drinking coffee instead of sniffing glue while you shoot heroin into your dickhole, and you’re on the fucking horse, or you’ve got a monkey on your back or you’re chasing the dragon or something….I dunno. Smart guy. That’s all I’m saying. You get it, dontcha?
In current events, the baby is asleep now, and I’m giving up on too much exercise. I mean, I don’t want to be one of those guys with the huge neck and tiny penis, right? So I better stop working out my neck…Heh. Oh, and Robb from the sock drawer, you win the prize for attention to detail/best use of lots of free time in middle school. I think you should win something pretty nice, but I don’t know what..hmmm. How about a recipe for a delicious gongbong?
First, be high, drunk or bored. Stand near a fence, on grass (this is important). Crouch and put your head between your knees. Breathe deeply in through your nose and quickly out through your mouth. Repeat for about a minute, maybe two. Then, in one big, splendid move, breathe in as much as you can using both nose and mouth, and hold it, standing up at the same time. Grab the fence. Feeling it? Hey, don’t let go, stud! Okay, good, breathe out. Try not to piss your pants or fall down. That’s a gong bong. More fun than it should be, people. (And hey, so we’re clear, this is NOT that passing out thing…that’s just creepy and dumb. Yeah, it’s got similarities, but there are similarities between, say, petting a dog and whacking a dog off. One’s cool, one’s not.)
Yeah, how’s it going down there in the drawer? Or over in the other one? Good to hear. Keep your advice coming people. You know I live for that shit. Oh, actually, there was a dude who was asking about his wife getting drunk and making out with another chick while his buddy watched. It bummed him out, and it’s the second time this has happened after a promise that it wouldn’t happen again. Ah fuck it. Here’s the letter:
Q
I was hoping to get some advice from you to see if I'm taking my situation out of hand or if I should be really upset about this. The other day my fiance was beyond drunk and made out wiith my buddies wife while he was there watching. (all three were drunk, but was told my friend was not involved) they did this behind my back, and it seemed no one was going to tell me until we (me and my fiance) started arguing and she let it out. (2 days later that is.) So i'm all for watching two chicks make out and going the distance, but I feel cheated on when it's my fiance and behind my back. Any thoughts or suggestions. By the way she has done this before, and said it would never happen again. She's liar that's for sure.
A
Seems simple dude. She’s doing that shit to piss you off because she feels unfairly stifled by your hang-ups. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Irrelevant. Here’s the deal. She wants to occasionally kiss chicks (at least, right? If not more, if not dudes) and you don’t want her to (“I feel cheated on when it’s my fiancé”) SO, you guys need to talk. Those are incompatible points of view. You are never, EVER going to have a marriage that works if you don’t get to the bottom of this, and frankly, I don’t really think this seems like the kind of thing you’re going to get to the bottom of. It’s not that you’re a square, or that she’s a liar or a skank, it’s that you guys have different ideas of monogamy, or the amount of monogamy that you want in your relationship right now, and there’s one solution. Don’t get married. Not anytime soon at least. Not until you guys truly don’t have completely opposite opinions. Sorry. And I know this isn’t easy to hear, and calling off a wedding is a pain in the ass, and your parents and her friends and blah blah blah and I know that you’ll maybe even show this little piece of advice to her and you’ll both make a big, grown up promise to each other to ignore your true instincts/feelings and work shit out, but you’re just postponing the inevitable. You’re TOO angry, and she’s obviously pushing your buttons. Relationship as it stands=Doomed.
Next.
I’m going to the grocery store! Fuck all yall!