Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hi, I'm a mac

My baby’s nap didn’t take this morning. He was standing in his crib jumping around when I finally gave up and went in for him. His pants were full of poo, which, let’s be fair, would make it hard for even a junkie to sleep (hey, maybe that’s why god made heroin a constipator). Now, I’m not sure what to do, so I’m forgoing the gym, using the perfect pushup (see my first entry “hello blogosphere” for details), and an inflatable exercise ball, making sure he doesn’t eat any wayward dimes and trying to type this shit all at once. I think that’s what the more articulate san Francisco hobos refer to as “multitasking.”
We’re out of everything at this house. Dogfood, diapers, asswipes for midgets, lunch crap, breakfast crap. Fuck, the only thing we have is beer. I’m like a fucking college student again, except I’m even less qualified to engage in a witty discourse about anything not pop culture oriented…
Okay, here’s what’s chapping my dickskin lately: Apple. Steve Jobs is, make no mistake, a genius. I know, that’s hardly a revolutionary statement, but people ignore his most amazing invention and focus on the small stuff. People point to the ipod and go nuts about how this little gizmo revitalized a whole industry, destroyed another industry or two and you know, changed the world. And fuck, they’re right. It did. And the iphone is pretty great too, just in terms of pushing the envelope of how we think about phones, and the computers are cool, but man, none of that shit is as important as his greatest and most overlooked innovation.
(okay, just to build suspense, I’m gonna pause here and say, Sock Drawer, a debate regarding PC’s vs. macs is uninteresting and lame. Same with any trashing of operating systems or whatever. That’s really missing the point entirely, besides being just a lame thing to argue about, you fucking nerds. That’s like watching porn and getting into an argument about sheets or leather quality or the heat at which latex becomes viscous. Anyway…)
Disposable technology. Man. This dude found out that it’s not enough to keep offering technological upgrades, you have to make shit break after a while too. See, people are, first and foremost, creatures of habit. Once shit gets to a level of ease, only a few types of folks will seek out the next level of techie advances, because really, the energy it’s gonna take to learn the new way of doing everything is gonna outweigh the amount easier it becomes, at least at first. That’s why no one bought Laser Discs…well, and they were stupidly huge…but you get the idea. That’s why people don’t really give a fuck about blu ray, or watching the whole movie on Qmov. It’s not worth the extra effort and money to make something already easy just that tiny bit better. That’s why shit has to be poorly crafted.
Think about it. Apple really nailed this one. There’s an apple store here in Chicago, and I remember going in there only 2 years after the first ipods came out and there was a bin for ‘recycling your ipod’ right there in the store. There was a sign above it that said something like “it’s been good to you, now recycle it”. Dude? Are you fucking kidding me? Those things cost like 300 bucks! I hate to sound like a fucking grandpa, but back in my day shit that cost three hundred bucks wasn’t supposed to fucking die EVER. I mean, what kind of brass iBalls does this company have that they can sell this shit for so much money and then when you bring it in because it’s broken, they can smile smugly and say “hey, it’s not supposed to last much more than 2 years. It’s been good to you, right? Now recycle it and get another one.” Fuck. You. (and yeah, I’ll take another one…snivel)
I mean, you don’t even have to go back to the days of the model T and pewter plates to get an example of how fucked up this new world order is. Remember those bricklike nokia phones that we all had when this shit first started happening? You could stuff that thing up a coked out gorilla’s ass and let him party for a week, and then once he finally passed out, you could retrieve that fucker, wipe off the banana smell and go about your business. Those fuckers were indestructible. I mean, remember those big yellow walkmen? Those things were fifty bucks and you could toss those sumbitches out of a moving car and into a pool and they’d be fine. It’s not that the technology doesn’t EXIST to make these fucking things last…it’s that they actively have a business model that encourages the manufacture of shoddy products in order to keep everyone in lines at the apple store waiting to talk to dumb hacker nerds with pimples and bad breath and condescending attitudes and stupid ringer tees on and have them point out that the product line is perfect, but it’s quickly evolving and as such, this one piece of gear that you have that actually still works is outmoded, sorry. Can’t replace those speakers that totally suck and broke after six months, because we use new ports now.
ARGH! Fuck, man. You’re so fucking….smart. Jesus. It’s so smart it burns me up inside. I think that Steve Jobs seriously (seriously) applied the principles of the drug trade to the “white market economy” (get it? Because macs are to white people what uh…oooh, jeez, I dunno…this analogy is teetering dangerously close to uh, racist…nevermind). It’s like, they get you hooked, then you get some gear, then it suddenly runs out, then you need more shit to keep the shit you already have going and then you’re so deep into the fucking cult that learning to use a dell would be like drinking coffee instead of sniffing glue while you shoot heroin into your dickhole, and you’re on the fucking horse, or you’ve got a monkey on your back or you’re chasing the dragon or something….I dunno. Smart guy. That’s all I’m saying. You get it, dontcha?
In current events, the baby is asleep now, and I’m giving up on too much exercise. I mean, I don’t want to be one of those guys with the huge neck and tiny penis, right? So I better stop working out my neck…Heh. Oh, and Robb from the sock drawer, you win the prize for attention to detail/best use of lots of free time in middle school. I think you should win something pretty nice, but I don’t know what..hmmm. How about a recipe for a delicious gongbong?
First, be high, drunk or bored. Stand near a fence, on grass (this is important). Crouch and put your head between your knees. Breathe deeply in through your nose and quickly out through your mouth. Repeat for about a minute, maybe two. Then, in one big, splendid move, breathe in as much as you can using both nose and mouth, and hold it, standing up at the same time. Grab the fence. Feeling it? Hey, don’t let go, stud! Okay, good, breathe out. Try not to piss your pants or fall down. That’s a gong bong. More fun than it should be, people. (And hey, so we’re clear, this is NOT that passing out thing…that’s just creepy and dumb. Yeah, it’s got similarities, but there are similarities between, say, petting a dog and whacking a dog off. One’s cool, one’s not.)
Yeah, how’s it going down there in the drawer? Or over in the other one? Good to hear. Keep your advice coming people. You know I live for that shit. Oh, actually, there was a dude who was asking about his wife getting drunk and making out with another chick while his buddy watched. It bummed him out, and it’s the second time this has happened after a promise that it wouldn’t happen again. Ah fuck it. Here’s the letter:
Q
I was hoping to get some advice from you to see if I'm taking my situation out of hand or if I should be really upset about this. The other day my fiance was beyond drunk and made out wiith my buddies wife while he was there watching. (all three were drunk, but was told my friend was not involved) they did this behind my back, and it seemed no one was going to tell me until we (me and my fiance) started arguing and she let it out. (2 days later that is.) So i'm all for watching two chicks make out and going the distance, but I feel cheated on when it's my fiance and behind my back. Any thoughts or suggestions. By the way she has done this before, and said it would never happen again. She's liar that's for sure.
A
Seems simple dude. She’s doing that shit to piss you off because she feels unfairly stifled by your hang-ups. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Irrelevant. Here’s the deal. She wants to occasionally kiss chicks (at least, right? If not more, if not dudes) and you don’t want her to (“I feel cheated on when it’s my fiancé”) SO, you guys need to talk. Those are incompatible points of view. You are never, EVER going to have a marriage that works if you don’t get to the bottom of this, and frankly, I don’t really think this seems like the kind of thing you’re going to get to the bottom of. It’s not that you’re a square, or that she’s a liar or a skank, it’s that you guys have different ideas of monogamy, or the amount of monogamy that you want in your relationship right now, and there’s one solution. Don’t get married. Not anytime soon at least. Not until you guys truly don’t have completely opposite opinions. Sorry. And I know this isn’t easy to hear, and calling off a wedding is a pain in the ass, and your parents and her friends and blah blah blah and I know that you’ll maybe even show this little piece of advice to her and you’ll both make a big, grown up promise to each other to ignore your true instincts/feelings and work shit out, but you’re just postponing the inevitable. You’re TOO angry, and she’s obviously pushing your buttons. Relationship as it stands=Doomed.
Next.
I’m going to the grocery store! Fuck all yall!

36 comments:

Blake said...

Are those labels today "Liquids you shouldn't drink"?

I'm trying to steal Robb's thunder now.

word verification: prehor
sound like that guys fiance.

planespotting said...

And the heat's just strong enough to burn away the cooking wine?

myassisapipebomb said...

ok, so i've been dating this girl for about 8 months now. it's going swell, we get along great and it's the best relationship we've both been in. but, we're both 20 years old, she'll be a junior in college and i'll be a sophomore this year, and i have this reservation about being in a serious relationship during college. because who doesn't like to go get trashed and not give a shit about anything that happens? i just feel like if i continue dating this girl (which is great) i might be missing out on the carefree side of college (drinking, drugs, randomly hooking up with girls, not having to care about shit). so basically i need a little insight into what may happen here. i know it's doubtful that i'll marry someone i date in college, but i see a future with this girl, but we;re both so young ya know?

Tim & Rac said...

Technology dying quickly so that people keep buying more is fairly new, but not revloutionary per Mac.

And BK, how do you feel about swingers? My friend has parents who are married and are swingers. They meet up with the same couple once every x-amount of weeks at a bar, hook up, go wherever (whether or not both couples are in the same building/room/close vicinity is unknown to me) and go back home to each other. They continue on their marriage, their kids are in college and could quite frankly care less, and they say it makes them twice as excited to run home and fuck the shit out of each other.

There are a lot of missing variables in situations like these, so it's not a one situation serves all. I want to do this, but my husband thinks it's becuase I'm unsatisfied with him in bed, or that I want a "legit" way to cheat. It's neither. Does that make me incredibly fucked up? And what guy doesn't want a free card to fuck another girl? Oh yeah, and the fact that I wouldn't be jealous, means I, "Don't care". Which is also untrue (I've started fights with girls looking at him the wrong way.)

Shouldn't it be ok as long as its mutual, no lying, non-emotional, and you really love each other? I think it's sweet that he's so committed and I feel bad that he thinks I'm not for suggesting it. I've never stayed with a guy more 3 months before him, and he and I have been married for a year and a half now.

And uh.. this isn't one of those "if she wants to do it, she's going to do it" scenarios. If he doesn't agree, it's off the table... he's not quite convinced I'm sharable.

Andy said...

i have an original game boy on my desk that is still absolutely pumping and i play it most days, no flaws whatsoever, thats 20 years old and full of love. on the other hand i have gone through 3 ipods in about 4 years. new technology sucks ass. but super mario land is here for good.

revellers said...

what new shoes should i get? i noticed mr kelly may wear converses. my current high top's are a bit tired, i was thinking low tops?

what other does does mr kelly rock?

not a stalker, just an want to be hipster!

Vincent said...

BK I just learned about this blog the other week and it gives me boners.

Totally right about Apple. I bought a go phone the other day (because buying a $200 phone I was going to drop in a toilet wasn't going to happen again) and I love it. Best thing I ever bought. It's cheap, the battery lasts for ever, and I can break it and put it back together. Sure I don't have the newest and coolest apps, but I can still send girls creepy text messages when blacked out.

God bless you BK

Robb said...

Not to push my luck, but I think a free (signed) copy of the new EP would make for a DELIGHTFUL prize! If you could get 'birdman' from the La-Z-Boy 500 video to sign it, in bird shit...well, it'd just make my year. But no trickery where one of you just writes 'birdman'. I'll know the difference. Thanks! You're the best!

FAskies said...

oh so i heard a new Micheal Jackson joke today

So I heard how Micheal Jackson dies, it wass by food poisoning. He ate a 12 year old weiner

Jayzilla said...

I GO ON VACA FOR 3 days and I miss out on these killer posts?? thank god i hate work and love reading blogs...

from yesterday - yessss, AMERICAN RUBICON IS AMAZINGLY GOOD

today -- every time i open a new apple product, blah its scratches up as the wind blows on it

Banana@1000MPH said...

Those iPod have fucked battery life and they charge like 60 bucks for a new battery. I bought a used iPod from my friend that he had for a year and it only lasted about 2 hours before running out and after about 6 months it was down to about an hour of life each charge so I sold it on craigslist (telling them the deal with the battery life).

Tony said...

Great fucking post! You should be getting paid for this shit, really.

Robb said...

Yeah, the disparity in quality/durability between apple's actual computers and the pods is infuriating and very telling. Very different 'strategies' going on there.

toiletslide said...

@myassisapipebomb

I was in a relationship with the same person the entire time I was in college and I regret it now. I got into the relationship when I was 18, before starting college. I had doubts the entire time, wondering if what we had was better than what I was missing out on, but everything seemed so perfect I didn’t want to lose it. Now, six years later, the relationship is falling apart and I feel like I lost a major part of my life I can’t get back. Even though it's not his fault, I'm resentful toward him because our relationship is the reason I missed out on so much.

You should definitely talk to her because there's a good chance she has similar feelings. Good luck.

Bridgett said...

I like these posts. They're full of random nonsense about BK's life, and then there's the Dear Abby portion that makes it that much more enjoyable.

Candice said...

brendan- if you are into swinging i will get married immediately and fly to chicago.

Tim & Rac said...

hahha Candice, I didn't even think to suggest that. I bet my husband would be all for that shit!


and I think Robb should win something just for always contributing something awesome to the boards.

Candice said...

if there's anyway to convince/trick/bribe/blackmail brendan into doing me, i'm all over it.

Blake said...

Yeah, Candice, I'll marry you if I get to fuck Brendan.

Candice said...

thanks to you blake, i've reached a new low- a marriage proposal so the guy can get the chance to fuck a guy. i thought my sex appeal was the only thing i had going for me and now i don't even have that.

AndBurnTheRest said...

Just to add to previous comments...I dated a girl seriously through the first year and a half of college and then we broke up, mostly because we both wanted to be single, party and generally fuck around....4 years later I've had plenty of time to party, fuck around, get a job, live on my own etc etc etc and am now really feeling ready for a serious committed relationship when I meet the right girl (because I feel like the right guy now)...so basically, I think I feel that way because I've already had the opportunity to do all that shit.

Also Brendan,

It looks like I might be getting shit canned on Monday for getting into an accident with my company car. I wasn't drunk, high or on my cell and most importantly, no one got hurt but I could definitely be jobless come next week. Am I a fuck up for blowing a good job with a good company that actually required my degree? Is it all the same 40 hour a week bullshit and I should be excited about the opportunity to look for a job more fulfilling? Or am I just a spoiled suburban piece of shit for thinking a job needs to be fulfilling? So many people work factory jobs and are just happy to be employed so why should I be concerned about my mental and emotional satisfaction with my career?

Basically, I know I need to just roll with it because I can't turn back time and I need to make the best out of a potentially shitty situation and look for the hidden opportunity blah blah blah, but do you have any input?

Blake said...

Well, if I married you, I'm pretty sure you would expose me to so many fuck up things that I might as well get the whole "fucking a guy" thing outta the way. And who not better than this guy?? We have our whole lives ahead of us, Candice.

Robb said...

Sigh~* Candice...it's (painfully) obvious your real plan is to face BK in an over-the-top street brawl, ala Rocky V. Afterward, a montage of his life will play to the tune of Elton John's 'Measure of a Man'. You're fucking crazy!

dan638563 said...

More bad bands/music video's....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFDCHdKbKBY

kylewagoner said...

Hey, I love you, too. Just like Candice does, but a little straighter. I told my friend, who I happen to like in a straight way, about gongbonging and we might try it when she comes over tomorrow.

Oh, and I got an iPod for Christmas and it quit working by the middle of January. I called them and told them about it, sent it in, and it was sent back saying I broke it. I sent that motherfucker back, called them and said they were full of shit and you know what they did? They sent me a brand new one for free because the lady on the other end liked me. Thank you for English-speaking telemarketers.

love,
Kyle

Sickie27 said...

I've never had an iPod. But I have a Zune. It fell off the bed and cracked the screen. The battery never stays charged long. The result? The motherfucker sitting in my drawer, never to be touched again.

And what IS sex appeal, REALLY? I MEAN, FUCKING REALLY?

Tim & Rac said...

Kyle,

i'm pretty sure Apple always gives you a free pod back after it's broken. my friend steals them purposely to rip off Apple, and does it guilt-free since the sucker who lost it is getting a new one anyway. If you give them enough shit, you're golden.

Josh said...

That's a pretty scumbag thing of your friend to do.

Apple will replace iPod's that break, not ones that are lost or stolen. I don't know where you or your friend got that idea.

Tim & Rac said...

Any asshole who leaves his ipod in his car unlocked (which is usually the method of pod-stealing) deserves it.

Hate to ruin your day kiddo

Josh said...

In the long history of idiotic statements, that has got to be tops.

First it was "It's ok because Apple will replace it." and now it's "They deserve it." and not only do they deserve it, but they are automatically assholes to!

You're one of those people who thinks the chick deserved to get raped because she was wearing a short skirt too right?

Tim & Rac said...

Dearest Josh,

Amazing what one can assume by two very simple (and true) statements. First, I'm a girl. Secondly, wouldn't it be absurd if you were actually talking to a rape victim? Of course, that's just me trying to make you feel guilty for being the douche bag you're accusing me of being, right? That's probably just coincidence that you'd suggest it.

That's irrelevant. Point is, your anaology sucks, and if you don't take care of your shit, you're bound to lose it. Although, the way you're getting worked up is making my work day go by much faster. I'll be checking back for more.

I think I'm gonna scour the work parking lots for some ipods now. Mine is green, and I totally wanted a blue one.

Josh said...

I don't see what you being a girl has to do with anything (hence the ambiguous "people"), or why I would be the douchebag. You're the one who thinks stealing is cool, I never said rape was cool.

Also, how exactly does that analogy suck? In both cases you're blaming the victim. Just because one crime is more extreme than the other doesn't change the underlying (flawed) logic.

Josh said...

Interesting, on top of being a douchebag (your word, not mine)you're also a hypocrite!

I'm a liiiitle rusty because I haven't been to church in over a decade, but I think it was "Though shall not steal" and "Though shall not steal... unless it's an iPod out of an unlocked car, then that asshole totally deserved it."

Annnnyways, have some real work to do now unfortunately. Tootles.

Jason said...

I think Steve Jobs is just bitter about his liver not lasting a lifetime, that's why he makes poor quality electronics. A liver on the black market costs way more than 300 dollars.

PIXI said...

I'm with you Josh. If you don't take care of your shit, it might get lost, but you don't deserve to have it stolen. Even if Apple would replace a stolen ipod, it doesn't matter, it's not yours, so leave it be. It really sucks when it happens to you.

brett said...

"That’s why people don’t really give a fuck about blu ray, or watching the whole movie on Qmov"


God damn- i'm glad someone can appreciate qmov. the problem: they stopped updating it. and i got a mac...so you know...wmv files don't exactly work so well.

genius.