hey, you're a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good i'm on top of it!

Okay assmasks and assmaskettes, welcome to Wednesday at the BSC. Not a lot going on here except for one truly exciting development. That’s right folks. The fresh pear cider I bought at the farmers market last week has fermented and turned into booze! Get this: They TOLD me that was going to happen, and apologized and said that since it was so close to becoming booze, they’d sell me two jugs for the price of one!!!! Talk about crazy! That’s like selling Action Comics number 27 for a nickel because it’s an old storyline, or giving me a discount on a Wright brothers stamp because the image was accidentally printed upside down. I mean, am I right, nerds? Well, anyway, it’s delicious. That’s for sure, and I don’t know how strong it is, but something tells me that today is going to be a pear-y good day. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Oh, mercy. Seriously, folks, I don’t have shit going on today. I want to take my kid somewhere fun and do something he likes, but his main interests are bottlecaps, opening drawers, his dog (izzy) and taking dumps right there in his pants. That doesn’t give me lots of ideas as far as getting him out into the world. We go to playgrounds all the time, and it seems like we’re always hanging out in bars, so those are out. Huh. I’m a little stumped. I guess we could just go to the park or something, but I would really like to blow his mind today. If there was a water slide around we could go there. He likes the zoo, maybe we could head back there. OR if all else fails, we’ll just go to the strip club and he can hang out in the nursery while I watch all the other baby’s moms work.
That reminds me of a tale of five star parenting that I heard recently. My friend was the bartender at a pretty nice skin shack in Denver. One day he was working and the cops roll in looking for the owner of a car in the parking lot. This dude who’d been sitting at the stage for about an hour was all “yo! That’s my car officer” at which point the cops dragged him out because…are you ready? There was a baby in the car. Dude had spent an hour getting table dances while he left a baby in his car. Truly a class act, right? Well, gets better. It seems that once the cops did a little investigating, they discovered that the baby was not his, but was in fact his girlfriend’s. This is the same girlfriend who had given him money and told him to take the baby down to McDonalds and get some lunch, the very same money that he had been getting the table dances with. How bout that, folks? Unbelievable, right? Not as unbelievable as the time Sean Nader and I got kicked out of the mutant strip club of horrors by the midget in the tuxedo, but still pretty good.
Look, my baby is awake and I think I speak for everyone involved when I say this is sort of a waste of time right now, so I’m gonna dip out. Have a good one, my gentle dogs of war. Let’s rap tomorrow.

Edit: Oh jesus! I already told this story once! This is a rerun! I had no idea. Look. Tomorrow's gonna absolutely slay. I guess I owe you fucks that much, eh? Christ...