Wednesday, September 23, 2009

hey, you're a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good i'm on top of it!

Okay assmasks and assmaskettes, welcome to Wednesday at the BSC. Not a lot going on here except for one truly exciting development. That’s right folks. The fresh pear cider I bought at the farmers market last week has fermented and turned into booze! Get this: They TOLD me that was going to happen, and apologized and said that since it was so close to becoming booze, they’d sell me two jugs for the price of one!!!! Talk about crazy! That’s like selling Action Comics number 27 for a nickel because it’s an old storyline, or giving me a discount on a Wright brothers stamp because the image was accidentally printed upside down. I mean, am I right, nerds? Well, anyway, it’s delicious. That’s for sure, and I don’t know how strong it is, but something tells me that today is going to be a pear-y good day. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Oh, mercy. Seriously, folks, I don’t have shit going on today. I want to take my kid somewhere fun and do something he likes, but his main interests are bottlecaps, opening drawers, his dog (izzy) and taking dumps right there in his pants. That doesn’t give me lots of ideas as far as getting him out into the world. We go to playgrounds all the time, and it seems like we’re always hanging out in bars, so those are out. Huh. I’m a little stumped. I guess we could just go to the park or something, but I would really like to blow his mind today. If there was a water slide around we could go there. He likes the zoo, maybe we could head back there. OR if all else fails, we’ll just go to the strip club and he can hang out in the nursery while I watch all the other baby’s moms work.
That reminds me of a tale of five star parenting that I heard recently. My friend was the bartender at a pretty nice skin shack in Denver. One day he was working and the cops roll in looking for the owner of a car in the parking lot. This dude who’d been sitting at the stage for about an hour was all “yo! That’s my car officer” at which point the cops dragged him out because…are you ready? There was a baby in the car. Dude had spent an hour getting table dances while he left a baby in his car. Truly a class act, right? Well, gets better. It seems that once the cops did a little investigating, they discovered that the baby was not his, but was in fact his girlfriend’s. This is the same girlfriend who had given him money and told him to take the baby down to McDonalds and get some lunch, the very same money that he had been getting the table dances with. How bout that, folks? Unbelievable, right? Not as unbelievable as the time Sean Nader and I got kicked out of the mutant strip club of horrors by the midget in the tuxedo, but still pretty good.
Look, my baby is awake and I think I speak for everyone involved when I say this is sort of a waste of time right now, so I’m gonna dip out. Have a good one, my gentle dogs of war. Let’s rap tomorrow.

Edit: Oh jesus! I already told this story once! This is a rerun! I had no idea. Look. Tomorrow's gonna absolutely slay. I guess I owe you fucks that much, eh? Christ...

24 comments:

Mark said...

I want to be a kid again, I want to play in the park.

Steve Jones said...

Hey Bk,
I am in need of some advice. I work in a warehouse in Indiana and it's not really a bad job but there is one big thing that makes me not wanna show up everyday. There's a few guys at work that are CONSTANTLY giving me shit about anything and everything. For example recently there new thing is to be nice to me then the next time they see me they try to bring me down. I've tried many different ways to stop this. I've tried ignoring them. I've tried doing shit back to them. I've tried a lot to stop this but nothing seems to work. I'm a nice, silly guy and for some reason that gives them the greenlight to feel like they can pick on me. It's like high school all over again. Is there anything I might be able to do to these assholes that'll make them not use me so much as a target for there childish antics?

Toto said...

i'm sure that guy said :
"don't you tell me about raising kids officer! don't you dare tell me about raising kids!"

http://beexisms.tumblr.com/post/110405644

who runs that site? it's so fucking good! and BK your face laughing there is just epic.

dan said...

http://badsandwichchronicles.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-think-jamburger-is-pretty-good-name.html

For those of you who missed this story already. It gets wrapped into THE BEST BCS post of all time.

And for those of us that have heard it before, don't bitch. Daddy is allowed to have some leftovers. He works hard to feed his little dogs.

BK-Art museum! Go to the art museum! (well, you and your baby might not want to, but I do, and I have class in a few hrs, then work all night)

Toto said...

http://beexisms.tumblr.com/post/110857398

HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

i showed those pictures to a friend of mine and he doesn't get the joke at all, well... he doesn't even know about the lawrence arms or BK but,it's funny anyway isn't it?it is just funny!. what the fuck is wrong with people these days?

planespotting said...

Hop on the L and take your kid to O'hare or Midway and watch airplanes.

If you go to O'Hare, you should get there between 1 and 2, as that's when the heavies come in from Asia.

"Heavies" as in large airplanes, not big asian ladies.

Heck, take me to the airport to watch planes with you - hence my blogger name ...

Bridgett said...

You also used Sean Nader as a tag in a very recent post. I took my 2 year old niece to a Goodwill to kill time. She thought that place was amazing, and there's something in it for you, because you get to look at the people, and look for crazy shit that you must own.

Tape Player said...

Mark totally stole what I was going to comment.....

dustyfloors said...

Take the kid to Kuma's Corner. Feed him a Kuma Burger. That should induce a food coma so that he'll sleep well into the weekend. Maybe then we can get a little more freshness around here.
Just kidding. Much love!

dan said...

Steve Jones,

I've worked in a warehouse for 3 years (ages 18-21). Now, I'm not sure what type of warehouse it is, but its in the nature of warehouses to rip on each other. It keeps things loose. Yes, maybe they are being dicks, but at the same time, they're probably just getting their kicks for the day.

Warehouses are built on routine. Yeah, certain days may be new and exciting, but I'm sure you know that most days are pretty basic/structured...with the same jobs that need to be done.

Just take it in stride and give it back to them. They'll take it just fine. Odds are they're one of two types of warehouse people anyway. Either they will be at the job for 2 months, get canned, or they're lifers (well, not 'lifers', but they will be there for at least 3+ years) They'll stick around is what I mean.
Odds are, if they are going to get fired within 2 months, they're dicks who can't keep a shitty job anyway. And if they've been there for what feels like an eternity, they're gonna find someone or something to get them through the day. And likely thats you.

I've been ripped by guys before, but in my experience, they took it as well as they gave it out.

Worst comes to worse, go hop on a gas-powered forklift, and go stock some pallets/items in the rafters. Its very relaxing.

Scott said...

midget in a tux? that must mean you were at blackjacks either that or there is a multitude of midget strip-club bouncers

J.A.F. said...

cornmeal, yeast, water, sugar

kylewagoner said...

I don't remember you telling this one before, but I do remember the one about the strip club you went to with the fucked-up looking strippers and whatever else that story included. It was in the middle of nowhere, if I remember correctly. Maybe that was the midget in the tuxedo one. And it's okay to write the same story twice. Consider it like...the bible! They have the same stories like four times or whatever by like John and Mark and whoever the fuck else! The bible would be a lot more interesting if it talked about strippers too...but...well, I guess Jesus's main bitch was a prostitute, right?

love,
Kyle

kylewagoner said...

Kevin was the other author I couldn't think of. The book of Kevin.

Kevin Burnett said...

The Book of Kevin is definitely not in the bible. Believe that!


Word Verification: Stiones, as in I've got giant (Sylvester) Stiones.

Steve Jones said...

Dan,
We are all lifers actually. I've been there 6 years and they've been there for 4 or so. I'm actually trying to join the Navy right now actually but I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it. Anyways, When I give shit back to these guys they don't take it well at all. They usually get pissed off and up the ante like 10 fold. It's just getting to the point where I really just wanna work and I don't wanna fuck with the back and forth that warehouse dudes do. This is the only job in my life where I've ever had trouble dealing with co workers. I guess it's just the environment I don't know.

Sylvester Trombone said...

Yes, Kyle, the "midget bouncer in the tux" strip club story from back in December is hands down the best entry on this whole damn thing in my humble opinion. I actually did "LOL," as they say, and I did it on a toilet at Target during last minute Christmas shopping. That's how I remember it was from December. As someone who has spent some time in super raunchy strip clubs on the Iowa/Illinois border (specifically Gulfport, IL) back in high school and every single college break, that one really hit home. "Gorilla Face??" "Kleenex Box Stomach??" Hilarious. Where they find these chicks, I have no idea.

Candice's Breasts said...

Steve, I've noticed that a discreet show of breasts can do wonders for silencing a hostile crowd.

planespotting said...

@Sylvester Trombone:

Whoa - Gulfport, Ill. huh? I don't know the strip clubs there personally, but as a native of southeast Iowa, their reputation proceeds them.

Steely Hoover said...

Gulfport strip clubs!! You know that they are good shit when the joint is literally a reconfigured double-wide. Good times Sylvester. I actually saw a pole break from the ceiling when a 90lb meth addict was taking a swing, Barbie as I recall!

Nick said...

The title of this post sucks balls.

Robb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zachary said...

Wanna see a crazier lady? Suzie Cocktail has become the next female Borat for the Internet. Check her episodes out at http://suziecocktail.com

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