It's going on right under your nose!

Okay, it’s president’s day and it’s one of those days that’s kind of a holiday but not really, in that you probably have the day off of work or school, but you don’t have any ‘president’s day plans’ to speak of. That’s because president’s day doesn’t really have an agenda. It’s a fake day off, cooked up by the greedy greeting card companies to sell more cards. Or, uh…wait, we used to have Lincoln’s birthday and Washington’s birthday and now it’s just president’s day, eh? Hmmm…seems like they could have made more money with two holidays, right? Hmmmm…I gotta do some research on this whole deal.

Anyway, if there’s one thing I know about days off with nothing to do, it’s that most of you guys are gonna spend it getting high. So, I’ve put together a small list of some quirky and offbeat ways to get high. It’s pretty much exactly what the founding fathers would have wanted me to do, right? Of course. Without any further ado:

Gasoline: Um, I remember in highschool, there were some people I knew that got high inhaling gasoline. This one guy, Chris Bundy was his name, told me that one time he inhaled some gas and started laughing and it felt like his mouth opened so wide that the entire top of his head was just an open mouth. Sounds hilarious. Word to the wise: Gasoline will kill you. Don’t drink it or light it on fire or smoke while you huff gas or huff it indoors or fuck…even outdoors. Also, it’s gonna make food really expensive, what with the rising cost of oil and all the unrest in the middle east and everything, so even if you don’t huff gas or drink it, gas will probably end up killing you. You know, when the starving hordes start burning the shit in your neighborhood.

Smoking banana peels: This was popularized by hippies and later by the Dead Milkmen on their breakout album Beezlebubba in the song ‘smokin banana peels’.
Officially, the way you smoke banana peels is to scrape out the white stuff and dry it out, then put it in a pipe. From my experience (the only time I tried to smoke banana peels was with my friend Eric when we were in high school) you can’t just take the banana peel as-is and light one end and suck on the other end. I don’t know what we were thinking. Apparently it gives you a pretty serious headache and doesn’t really get you that high. In that regard it’s a lot like the weed the busboys at your job get.

Nutmeg: if you eat a bunch of nutmeg, you’ll trip. This is true. The effects are pretty serious, in terms of really wigging out and not knowing what’s a real talking jello mold and what’s just a talking jello mold that’s all in your mind. They say that once you eat the nutmeg the effects kick in between one and thirty six hours or something. SO, this is a great way to kind of dose yourself at some unforeseen time in the next few days.

Dust off: this is something that used to be popular when computers had discs. It was a cleaner for discs that got you high if you huffed it. When I was on tour at 18 I went to a party where kids were spraying this shit into a sock and then putting the sock up to their faces and then laughing their dicks off. The whole thing struck me as a little bit uh…hillbillyish. Which leads me to:

Paint: When I was in Montana about fifteen years ago these two native American women tried to break into our trailer while we were sleeping in our van. When we went back to see what they were up to, they asked us for some change. They both had gold paint all over their faces and clothes. They were nice enough, and we hung out with them for a little while. They told us about their dealer, the guy that sells them bags of paint, and while we were laughing about how hilariously sad this little corner of the black market was, the dude in question came walking up. He was wearing sweatpants and a dirty, painty undershirt and he had long hair, a mustache and a body not dissimilar to grimace’s from McDonaldland. He also wore those glasses that are tinted dark (the same one that kid on your little league team who had to hit off the tee used to wear). I said, “wait, this guy’s the PAINT dealer?” and the dude said “hey! Keep it down! Why? You want a bag?”
Apparently the gold and silver paints are the ‘dank’ paint. That’s what this dude told us. What he apparently did was pour a little paint in the bottom of a brown lunch bag and then sell it to people who just kind of stick their faces in and breathe deep. We didn’t end up buying any paint because, well, there’s very little as pathetic as getting high on paint, except maybe for being a paint dealer.

Jesus: Man, in this crazy workaday world, every once in a while you gotta just let yourself go and snuggle up in the baby jesus and all his good, snuggly warm feelings. Ever see those weirdos speaking in tongues and shit? That’s not just the way normal folk behave. They’re high. They’ve been smoking the baby jesus, brah. Of all of these ways to get high, this is the only one that’s not really very dangerous, but it will definitely make you the lamest of your pals at your ’11 presidents day party.

Have fun out there, everyone and happy birthday mr Lincoln!

Oh, and um…don’t get high. Especially by inhaling stuff. It’s just tacky.