Monday, February 21, 2011

It's going on right under your nose!

Okay, it’s president’s day and it’s one of those days that’s kind of a holiday but not really, in that you probably have the day off of work or school, but you don’t have any ‘president’s day plans’ to speak of. That’s because president’s day doesn’t really have an agenda. It’s a fake day off, cooked up by the greedy greeting card companies to sell more cards. Or, uh…wait, we used to have Lincoln’s birthday and Washington’s birthday and now it’s just president’s day, eh? Hmmm…seems like they could have made more money with two holidays, right? Hmmmm…I gotta do some research on this whole deal.

Anyway, if there’s one thing I know about days off with nothing to do, it’s that most of you guys are gonna spend it getting high. So, I’ve put together a small list of some quirky and offbeat ways to get high. It’s pretty much exactly what the founding fathers would have wanted me to do, right? Of course. Without any further ado:

Gasoline: Um, I remember in highschool, there were some people I knew that got high inhaling gasoline. This one guy, Chris Bundy was his name, told me that one time he inhaled some gas and started laughing and it felt like his mouth opened so wide that the entire top of his head was just an open mouth. Sounds hilarious. Word to the wise: Gasoline will kill you. Don’t drink it or light it on fire or smoke while you huff gas or huff it indoors or fuck…even outdoors. Also, it’s gonna make food really expensive, what with the rising cost of oil and all the unrest in the middle east and everything, so even if you don’t huff gas or drink it, gas will probably end up killing you. You know, when the starving hordes start burning the shit in your neighborhood.

Smoking banana peels: This was popularized by hippies and later by the Dead Milkmen on their breakout album Beezlebubba in the song ‘smokin banana peels’.
Officially, the way you smoke banana peels is to scrape out the white stuff and dry it out, then put it in a pipe. From my experience (the only time I tried to smoke banana peels was with my friend Eric when we were in high school) you can’t just take the banana peel as-is and light one end and suck on the other end. I don’t know what we were thinking. Apparently it gives you a pretty serious headache and doesn’t really get you that high. In that regard it’s a lot like the weed the busboys at your job get.

Nutmeg: if you eat a bunch of nutmeg, you’ll trip. This is true. The effects are pretty serious, in terms of really wigging out and not knowing what’s a real talking jello mold and what’s just a talking jello mold that’s all in your mind. They say that once you eat the nutmeg the effects kick in between one and thirty six hours or something. SO, this is a great way to kind of dose yourself at some unforeseen time in the next few days.

Dust off: this is something that used to be popular when computers had discs. It was a cleaner for discs that got you high if you huffed it. When I was on tour at 18 I went to a party where kids were spraying this shit into a sock and then putting the sock up to their faces and then laughing their dicks off. The whole thing struck me as a little bit uh…hillbillyish. Which leads me to:

Paint: When I was in Montana about fifteen years ago these two native American women tried to break into our trailer while we were sleeping in our van. When we went back to see what they were up to, they asked us for some change. They both had gold paint all over their faces and clothes. They were nice enough, and we hung out with them for a little while. They told us about their dealer, the guy that sells them bags of paint, and while we were laughing about how hilariously sad this little corner of the black market was, the dude in question came walking up. He was wearing sweatpants and a dirty, painty undershirt and he had long hair, a mustache and a body not dissimilar to grimace’s from McDonaldland. He also wore those glasses that are tinted dark (the same one that kid on your little league team who had to hit off the tee used to wear). I said, “wait, this guy’s the PAINT dealer?” and the dude said “hey! Keep it down! Why? You want a bag?”
Apparently the gold and silver paints are the ‘dank’ paint. That’s what this dude told us. What he apparently did was pour a little paint in the bottom of a brown lunch bag and then sell it to people who just kind of stick their faces in and breathe deep. We didn’t end up buying any paint because, well, there’s very little as pathetic as getting high on paint, except maybe for being a paint dealer.

Jesus: Man, in this crazy workaday world, every once in a while you gotta just let yourself go and snuggle up in the baby jesus and all his good, snuggly warm feelings. Ever see those weirdos speaking in tongues and shit? That’s not just the way normal folk behave. They’re high. They’ve been smoking the baby jesus, brah. Of all of these ways to get high, this is the only one that’s not really very dangerous, but it will definitely make you the lamest of your pals at your ’11 presidents day party.

Have fun out there, everyone and happy birthday mr Lincoln!

Oh, and um…don’t get high. Especially by inhaling stuff. It’s just tacky.

21 comments:

Donnie said...

I have to work today...

We get MLK day off instead of Presidents.

Showtyme said...

Hey BK,
I've got a dilemma if you feel like taking it old school and offering some advice...

A friend (we'll call him Steve) and I both met a girl (we'll call her Anne) at the same time. Steve called dibs, but then left the bar early. By the end of the night, me and Anne had hit it off real well, and we kissed goodbye. The next day I told Steve what happened, and he kind of stopped talking to me. Whereas, Anne and I started talking and we made plans to see each other at a "group thing" later that week. At the group thing, a few of my other friends told me Anne seemed way into me. Though, she told me that Steve had asked her to hang out again about the same time I did. Now, by the end of that group thing I again kissed Anne goodbye, Steve did not. The following night Anne and I went on a first date, it went well, we kissed again. I told Steve about it, but now today I find out after I told him all this he still insisted on asking her out, she said yes to coffee with him.
Now, I know I fucked up in the first place by breaking dibs, but it was something as lame as dibs. I would have felt differently if Steve had met her before me, but we met at the same time. So, here's the issue I'm having trouble dealing with: After knowing Anne and I hit it off, have kissed and have "started dating" should Steve have given up and decided to back off? Or should I now, knowing he isn't giving up, back off and let this girl I really like get away? Or should we both say "fuck it" and fight for Anne, risking our friendship and risking both of us losing this girl?

Miles Good said...

BK. you gotta see the video of this chick from intervention huffing Dustoff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g99h4qaCio

too hilarious. get a job, stop huffing, fuckin' vermin

Candice said...

that episode of intervention scarred me for life.

Robb said...

Paint anecdote might be the saddest thing I've read on internet, particularly the description of dude's proprietary "lunchbag" technique. boy...what a system!

Robb said...

Showtyme - the concept of "dibs" is just fucking retarded and kind of a pathetic attempt to bring a sense of control to something as complex as human interactions, so I say fight if out

Dominio said...

1 of my flatmates on campus this year decided it would be a good idea to buy up several hundreds of cans of laughing gas (you can buy them here legally as 'whipped cream boosters' or some shit) and sell them on for £1 a hit. Like all huffables, bit of a waste of time and kind of pathetic. It's doing a pretty good job of funding his booze habit though.

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

I'm usually as annoyed as everyone else by "if ya loved today's post, you'll love THIIIS" links, but, more 'everyday foods' that provide awful, shitty highs:

http://www.cracked.com/article_16178_7-common-foods-that-can-actually-get-you-high.html

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Doesn't getcha high but speaking of awful-ass foods, anyone ever had escamoles? Those seem like they could be surprisingly delicious actually

rod said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Toto said...

Hi everybody!

that intervention episode was highly disturbing, for some horrible reason i just feel like punching her in the face so bad.
ugh....

limited nobility said...

I knew a dude who called himself "duster dave".It was great visceral comedy "feeeeueuuuuurrrrrrrppp (in that bizarre dying drone growl)-"Im duuuuster daaaave".That was it.His only bit.It fucking killed me every time.Do ya really need to ask if he was real into souping up honda's and shit?saw him a few years back.he's fine

Sickie27 said...

Showtyme - There's nothing wrong with letting the girl choose. I hear that guys aren't like us girls. Guys get over silly things like this, right? So if she chooses him, you'll be fine, at least you tried. If she picks neither of you then you two can have a laugh. If she picks you then you're happy for a total of about 6 months and your friend gets over it! WIN-WIN-WIN situation.

Owner Operator said...

what sickie said. jsut let her make the decision and be big enough men to not let a stupid woman get in the way.

limited nobility said...

I can only hope that at some point an abuser of inhalants(preferably a female) has said-"Hey maaan,Inhalant abuse aint nothin ta turn yer nose up at!Yeeaa thats right Grimace,pun fukin intended!"then seconds later grimaced with no irony

Andrew said...

i third the recommendations from sickie and robbert

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

So even though it's roughly two weeks later I think there's still this sort of unspoken implicit desire/expectation for the ol' ringmaster to make public public his thoughts on Ms. Denitzio's recent, err, collection of sentences...if nothing else there's a distinct possibility you'd be looking at a potential record number of comments...just consider if you will the sheer potential entertainment value (think not just of yourself in this regard). Don't you want Martucci to be entertained?

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

ohhhh gawwwd I just used the default female English honorific 'Ms.' - institutionalized seeeeeexismz yalls!!

Sean said...

lately i've been obsessed with The Funeral by Arcade Fire

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Felipe said...

I had a friend last year who told me about the nutmeg thing. he carried around one of those plastic refillable water bottles and in the bottom there was a bunch of semi-disolved nutmeg; he had been drinking his nutmeg water all day so he could get high after school when he went home. my friend and I were going to try it but then I heard it's really easy to do too much and get really fucked up.