Note: I tried to post this at 7 this morning, but Blogger was down. Uh...yeah.
So, I’m up. Happily refreshed after my four hours of sleep. I’m a little delirious, but I think that maybe, just maybe I’ve come up with the best idea for a show ever. It’ll be a celebration of white people. Yeah. Totally. It’s gonna be super sweet. We’ll pair up some white folks and put them all over the world. We’ll watch them do the shit that they do best, like mock local customs and generally act loudly, all the while trying to take advantage of their surroundings for their own gain, even at the expense of the host country that they’re in.
What’s that? Sounds more like a celebration of Americans than white folk in general? Now who’s being naïve? Sure, those dudes in Madventures seem pretty cool and Canadians have a nice reputation for being nice inoffensive pansies and there’s something to be said for hanging out with Australians (most sexually active women in the world according to a recent study [‘ello sheila! {that’s an Australian slang term for a girl, you numbnutses} wink-wink]) but let’s be honest, folks. It’s whiteness, and well, it’s been going on since WAY before Ben Franklin flew that electric kite/key deal in a rainstorm and invented America so many thousands of years ago.
Americans are just the BEST at being white, which means that we like to go all over the world and thump our dicks on the counter like we own the place and generally let shit roar, all while imposing our own dumb rules on places that couldn’t give two shits about what we’re into. White folk, man. Kickin ass! Yeah!
Okay, so right now you’re probably thinking “this show DOES sound like it’ll be pretty awesome. I mean, I loved ‘friends’ which was pretty much a celebration of white people. Is this like that?” No, dummies. This is a game show, maybe. It’s a thing where we see real live white folks (no actors or jews! [jk! Can’t make anything happen in Hollywood without including some jews, am I right? LMAO, SWAK, LOL etc.]) all over the world just kind of bumbling through it. It’s gonna rock. What are we gonna call it? Glad you asked.
We have to name it something that invokes what it’s about: namely, white folks, all over the world showing off their superiority through their sheer lack of giving a fuck about anything else. The title has to be snappy and declarative. Oh, shit! How bout this: The Amazing Race! Wow. I love it.
What? You’re saying there’s ALREADY a show out there called the Amazing Race and it’s already about white people bungling their way around the world and nobody’s bothered to point out how fucking ridiculous that is before now? Huh. Well, that’s odd. I would think that would have come up before this. I dunno. I’ve been thinking about that for years, and well, lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking because I’m trapped in this state of constant sleep deprived mania and it’s just finally hit me…I never wrote my long protracted bit about the Amazing Race. So, well, here it is. Hilarious, right? Totally.
Um, what else? Tracking down bank records from B of A is like trying to squeeze a gallon of jizz out of a petrified snail. I’ve been calling and emailing and chatting online with a ‘real teller’ and all that, but so far, nothing. In theory they were supposed to have mailed me that shit over two weeks ago. Man, talk about the Amazing Race… now I think we’re getting to what white people truly do best, which is consolidate and consolidate and merge until there’s this giant entity that controls your money and there’s no one to talk to and no one answers the phone and there’s no way to even complain because the only people listening (if you actually can get someone on the phone [which I have not been able to do in the last seven days] are in some call center in Bangladesh and they don’t give two fucks if you really need some bank records because frankly, they live in a place where there are still lepers and your problems, Amazing Race, aren’t all that important to them.
Oh well. I gotta go take a nap, folks. Later days.
