Monday, June 7, 2010

wow! That was a scary couple of hours.

Note: I tried to post this at 7 this morning, but Blogger was down. Uh...yeah.

So, I’m up. Happily refreshed after my four hours of sleep. I’m a little delirious, but I think that maybe, just maybe I’ve come up with the best idea for a show ever. It’ll be a celebration of white people. Yeah. Totally. It’s gonna be super sweet. We’ll pair up some white folks and put them all over the world. We’ll watch them do the shit that they do best, like mock local customs and generally act loudly, all the while trying to take advantage of their surroundings for their own gain, even at the expense of the host country that they’re in.

What’s that? Sounds more like a celebration of Americans than white folk in general? Now who’s being naïve? Sure, those dudes in Madventures seem pretty cool and Canadians have a nice reputation for being nice inoffensive pansies and there’s something to be said for hanging out with Australians (most sexually active women in the world according to a recent study [‘ello sheila! {that’s an Australian slang term for a girl, you numbnutses} wink-wink]) but let’s be honest, folks. It’s whiteness, and well, it’s been going on since WAY before Ben Franklin flew that electric kite/key deal in a rainstorm and invented America so many thousands of years ago.

Americans are just the BEST at being white, which means that we like to go all over the world and thump our dicks on the counter like we own the place and generally let shit roar, all while imposing our own dumb rules on places that couldn’t give two shits about what we’re into. White folk, man. Kickin ass! Yeah!

Okay, so right now you’re probably thinking “this show DOES sound like it’ll be pretty awesome. I mean, I loved ‘friends’ which was pretty much a celebration of white people. Is this like that?” No, dummies. This is a game show, maybe. It’s a thing where we see real live white folks (no actors or jews! [jk! Can’t make anything happen in Hollywood without including some jews, am I right? LMAO, SWAK, LOL etc.]) all over the world just kind of bumbling through it. It’s gonna rock. What are we gonna call it? Glad you asked.

We have to name it something that invokes what it’s about: namely, white folks, all over the world showing off their superiority through their sheer lack of giving a fuck about anything else. The title has to be snappy and declarative. Oh, shit! How bout this: The Amazing Race! Wow. I love it.

What? You’re saying there’s ALREADY a show out there called the Amazing Race and it’s already about white people bungling their way around the world and nobody’s bothered to point out how fucking ridiculous that is before now? Huh. Well, that’s odd. I would think that would have come up before this. I dunno. I’ve been thinking about that for years, and well, lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking because I’m trapped in this state of constant sleep deprived mania and it’s just finally hit me…I never wrote my long protracted bit about the Amazing Race. So, well, here it is. Hilarious, right? Totally.

Um, what else? Tracking down bank records from B of A is like trying to squeeze a gallon of jizz out of a petrified snail. I’ve been calling and emailing and chatting online with a ‘real teller’ and all that, but so far, nothing. In theory they were supposed to have mailed me that shit over two weeks ago. Man, talk about the Amazing Race… now I think we’re getting to what white people truly do best, which is consolidate and consolidate and merge until there’s this giant entity that controls your money and there’s no one to talk to and no one answers the phone and there’s no way to even complain because the only people listening (if you actually can get someone on the phone [which I have not been able to do in the last seven days] are in some call center in Bangladesh and they don’t give two fucks if you really need some bank records because frankly, they live in a place where there are still lepers and your problems, Amazing Race, aren’t all that important to them.

Oh well. I gotta go take a nap, folks. Later days.

16 comments:

Scott said...

reality tv as a whole is pretty much that same pile of shit over and over, especially CBS. But, those dudes in madventures sure did look like they were having a blast. Whatever happened to "prodeucing"?

Sean said...

So I just downloaded a Green Day album for the first time today.

I gave it a listen and realized I had heard all of these songs already... about a decade ago.

Regardless, I think that these guys are gunna make it big one day and release some sort of rock-opera. One... day....

You heard it here first, man.

Blake said...

This is the same idea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEvi73ApQEE

Candice said...

i'm pretty sure our sheila has a very active sex life as well.

Sean said...

I got my BSC shirts from our Sheila.

... I hope it was washed before it was sent...

Candice said...

sean- you should feel honored if some bert/sheila love remnants were sent on the shirt free of charge.

you ungrateful bastard!

kennyg said...

I had to post a comment just because the word verification was "shelas"
It's a sign from the God of Australia, who everyone knows is the pussiest of them all. A country AND a continent? What's that all about?

I'm glad you finally posted this dude, because these game shows are getting ridiculous. I mean, that show Survivor is making, well... white people go "survive" in a place where people already live!

Banana@1000MPH said...

Galifianakis had a one-liner about this

limited nobility said...

that show the amazing race....is that about white people?

Toto said...

like Full House, or Lost or Jersey Shore or Married With Children.
only a few of your TV shows escape stupidity,cliches or mediocrity (arrested development).

speaking of Green Day, they are coming down here, and even though i'm not going i can't believe they are charging 120 dollars a ticket.
converting that to my local money is like what i make monthly,
do i rather listen to basket case live or do i rather eat?

we want more JBTV and Anti flag's drummer jokes please

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

Having spent the last year in oz, i've decided that my favorite aussie saying is:

"stiffer than a dingos ding dong"
i think it refers to whiskey.

peter said...

this is probably the best/funniest blog post i've ever read

Kirsty said...

As an Aussie Sheila myself I have to stay... that study is correct!
XD

Kirsty said...

stay? say... that's right. Fair shake of the sauce bottle!

Bridgett said...

There is a book. Two, actually.

Stuff White People Like

This one is about white people the Midwest specifically. I thumbed through it once. It's true.

I Love Ranch Dressing

I have a request. You should put up some of the playlists from Tuesdays at Risque Cafe on here. I need a good list of punk rock songs.

Moxie. said...

Toto, trust me, you'd rather eat- they barely play anything old at the shows now and instead focus mostly on American Idiot and that really stupid one after it. How far the mighty have fallen...