Bitch I'm a kill you!

Hey hey! It’s the BSC’s triumphant return to advice! Without too much of a parade, let’s get to it.

Q:
Well my dilemma started about 2 months ago when I started hanging out with this girl that I met from a mutual friend. From the moment we started hanging out, it was instant chemistry. In my 26 years on this planet, I have never met a girl that "got" me the way she does. She gets my sick sense of humor, disregards my insecurities, and strokes my fragile ego in all the right ways. Sounds perfect, right? Wrong. Two years prior, she was dating my best friend/drummer. They Dated for about a month and a half before she dumped him. Shortly after, she had hung out with my ex-guitarist/close friend a few times. Now this guy was pretty much ostracizing himself from me/the band at this point so we were not very communicative, thus details were finite.
After things started getting serious with this girl, I confronted my drummer/bff and told him what was going on. After a few day's he gave me the "green light" and I continued to build a close relationship with this girl. Now two months have passed and things are getting (emotionally) serious. She is claiming to love me, and I am beginning to resiprocate those feelings. Unfortunately for me, the stronger my feelings for this girl grow, the more her past "dealings" with my friends irritate me. On a drunken whim, I confronted her recently about her time spent with my now ex-guitarist/friend. To my dismay, she did infact "bang" him (as I suspected, but chose not to acknowledge). Hearing this has left me feeling very apprehensive towards this girl. Am I a fool for persuing a girl that was with 2 of my best friends? She has always claimed (even before the recent developments) that she always had a crush on me, am the best looking and that I even bang her better than anyone in her past. I don't feel insecure about myself, but the thought of this girl that I am falling for banging this kid is really driving me mad.

I am basically looking to you as an unbiased opinion. Is it foolish to let a girl's past get in the way of a very potentially bright future? Am I overthinking something that is in reality very miniscule? She is falling pretty hard for me and I dont want to string her along if her past is gonna just eat away at me untill I am forced to move on.

A:
In one of my favorite bits of all time, Dave Chappelle asks the women in his crowd if they feel bad for Monica Lewinsky. They boo, at which point Dave tells them that they’re all mean and then goes on to say “Every woman has sucked a dick she regrets. All y’all ladies have at least one dick that you wanna forget about and I bet he wasn’t the president either. I bet he worked at Kinney Shoes or something.” I love that shit. It’s funny and it’s true. AND it’s not just true for women. Everyone has fucked someone that they regret, be it because they’re ugly, stupid, related to you, not your husband, whatever. It happens. There’s three things that are hardwired into you: eating, sleeping, fucking. You’ve snuck in inappropriate naps before because you were exhausted, right? You’ve eaten a gas station burrito because you were hungry and that’s all you could get, right? There’s really no difference when it comes down to fucking the intern, or your buddy’s sister or whatever. Not the greatest move, but hey! Shit happens, man. You’ve got a dick you regret too, don’t forget it. AND, on the off chance you don’t…say you’ve only had committed relationships and you’ve just banged your two girlfriends…wait around a minute. You’ll fuck up soon enough, and the last thing you’ll want once you do is some fucking turd guilting you about something you already feel is irrelevant and regrettable. None of this is advice. Just sayin.
Okay, so here’s the deal: your old lady banged some guy you know and it burns you up inside. Well, here’s the big lesson here: Never ask about that shit. Who cares? It’s the most counterproductive and torturous path of speculation to go down. Look, my wife, she’s fucked people before we met, as much as I hate to think about it. AND, though I’d NEVER ask her about it, I’m sure she’s fucked some people I know. Yes, it sucks ass to think about, which is why I don’t. Look, man. Past experiences, good and bad are the ones that have made the person you’re digging on right now who they are, and to dwell on something you can’t change is not only a waste of energy, frankly, it’s shitty to her. Not her fault. She fucked him. Oh yeah she did.. He jizzed right on her face and she sucked off his one creepy friend while your guitar player buddy was fucking her up the ass and she loved it. She absolutely fucking LOVED IT!!!! How bout that? Eh? Infuriating? Well, NOT YOUR BUSINESS!!! Her past is not beholden to you. What she did before you guys were dating is her deal. You want to be held accountable to her for everything you’ve ever done? No. Because firstly, you’ve done some stupid shit that you’d rather forget, and secondly, and more importantly, you’ve done stuff you’re fine with that you don’t want to have to feel compelled to explain. Why shouldn’t she be allowed to have fucked that guy and still enjoy the memory of it? Because it makes you feel insecure? Sack up, you pussy. This is among the most manipulative and small moves that a person in a relationship can pull, and if you can’t let it go, you don’t deserve a chick that “gets you.” Believe me, when this shit all goes down, it’s gonna be YOUR jealousy that’s gonna bite YOU in the ass, and no matter how hard she’s “falling for you,” it’s gonna be YOU sitting there, super bummed, once your jealousy ruins your relationship and she ends up banging someone else while you pretend to be pure and unspoiled, whacking off bitterly all the while. Yeah. That’ll happen too. Black dudes. Three at a time. That’s how these things always end, man.

Uh, what else? It was my buddy’s birthday last night and we drank red wine with dinner, which produces hangovers in blog authors, which means I’m going to the gym.
Hang in there baby!