Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bitch I'm a kill you!

Hey hey! It’s the BSC’s triumphant return to advice! Without too much of a parade, let’s get to it.

Q:
Well my dilemma started about 2 months ago when I started hanging out with this girl that I met from a mutual friend. From the moment we started hanging out, it was instant chemistry. In my 26 years on this planet, I have never met a girl that "got" me the way she does. She gets my sick sense of humor, disregards my insecurities, and strokes my fragile ego in all the right ways. Sounds perfect, right? Wrong. Two years prior, she was dating my best friend/drummer. They Dated for about a month and a half before she dumped him. Shortly after, she had hung out with my ex-guitarist/close friend a few times. Now this guy was pretty much ostracizing himself from me/the band at this point so we were not very communicative, thus details were finite.
After things started getting serious with this girl, I confronted my drummer/bff and told him what was going on. After a few day's he gave me the "green light" and I continued to build a close relationship with this girl. Now two months have passed and things are getting (emotionally) serious. She is claiming to love me, and I am beginning to resiprocate those feelings. Unfortunately for me, the stronger my feelings for this girl grow, the more her past "dealings" with my friends irritate me. On a drunken whim, I confronted her recently about her time spent with my now ex-guitarist/friend. To my dismay, she did infact "bang" him (as I suspected, but chose not to acknowledge). Hearing this has left me feeling very apprehensive towards this girl. Am I a fool for persuing a girl that was with 2 of my best friends? She has always claimed (even before the recent developments) that she always had a crush on me, am the best looking and that I even bang her better than anyone in her past. I don't feel insecure about myself, but the thought of this girl that I am falling for banging this kid is really driving me mad.

I am basically looking to you as an unbiased opinion. Is it foolish to let a girl's past get in the way of a very potentially bright future? Am I overthinking something that is in reality very miniscule? She is falling pretty hard for me and I dont want to string her along if her past is gonna just eat away at me untill I am forced to move on.

A:
In one of my favorite bits of all time, Dave Chappelle asks the women in his crowd if they feel bad for Monica Lewinsky. They boo, at which point Dave tells them that they’re all mean and then goes on to say “Every woman has sucked a dick she regrets. All y’all ladies have at least one dick that you wanna forget about and I bet he wasn’t the president either. I bet he worked at Kinney Shoes or something.” I love that shit. It’s funny and it’s true. AND it’s not just true for women. Everyone has fucked someone that they regret, be it because they’re ugly, stupid, related to you, not your husband, whatever. It happens. There’s three things that are hardwired into you: eating, sleeping, fucking. You’ve snuck in inappropriate naps before because you were exhausted, right? You’ve eaten a gas station burrito because you were hungry and that’s all you could get, right? There’s really no difference when it comes down to fucking the intern, or your buddy’s sister or whatever. Not the greatest move, but hey! Shit happens, man. You’ve got a dick you regret too, don’t forget it. AND, on the off chance you don’t…say you’ve only had committed relationships and you’ve just banged your two girlfriends…wait around a minute. You’ll fuck up soon enough, and the last thing you’ll want once you do is some fucking turd guilting you about something you already feel is irrelevant and regrettable. None of this is advice. Just sayin.
Okay, so here’s the deal: your old lady banged some guy you know and it burns you up inside. Well, here’s the big lesson here: Never ask about that shit. Who cares? It’s the most counterproductive and torturous path of speculation to go down. Look, my wife, she’s fucked people before we met, as much as I hate to think about it. AND, though I’d NEVER ask her about it, I’m sure she’s fucked some people I know. Yes, it sucks ass to think about, which is why I don’t. Look, man. Past experiences, good and bad are the ones that have made the person you’re digging on right now who they are, and to dwell on something you can’t change is not only a waste of energy, frankly, it’s shitty to her. Not her fault. She fucked him. Oh yeah she did.. He jizzed right on her face and she sucked off his one creepy friend while your guitar player buddy was fucking her up the ass and she loved it. She absolutely fucking LOVED IT!!!! How bout that? Eh? Infuriating? Well, NOT YOUR BUSINESS!!! Her past is not beholden to you. What she did before you guys were dating is her deal. You want to be held accountable to her for everything you’ve ever done? No. Because firstly, you’ve done some stupid shit that you’d rather forget, and secondly, and more importantly, you’ve done stuff you’re fine with that you don’t want to have to feel compelled to explain. Why shouldn’t she be allowed to have fucked that guy and still enjoy the memory of it? Because it makes you feel insecure? Sack up, you pussy. This is among the most manipulative and small moves that a person in a relationship can pull, and if you can’t let it go, you don’t deserve a chick that “gets you.” Believe me, when this shit all goes down, it’s gonna be YOUR jealousy that’s gonna bite YOU in the ass, and no matter how hard she’s “falling for you,” it’s gonna be YOU sitting there, super bummed, once your jealousy ruins your relationship and she ends up banging someone else while you pretend to be pure and unspoiled, whacking off bitterly all the while. Yeah. That’ll happen too. Black dudes. Three at a time. That’s how these things always end, man.

Uh, what else? It was my buddy’s birthday last night and we drank red wine with dinner, which produces hangovers in blog authors, which means I’m going to the gym.
Hang in there baby!

23 comments:

Kevin Burnett said...

1. Have you done this before?

2. Lube of choice?

3. Top or bottom?

4. Time of last bowel movement?

5. Where's we gonna do this?

6. A2M okay wit you?

Mark said...

This was excellent.

Rob said...

Sounds like Chasing Amy (minus the lesbians and all)

dustyfloors said...

Absolutely wonderful advice. I just started dating a girl about 2 months ago. We are absolutely crazy about each other & I've never had a relationship work this well before... Why? Because we agreed that we wouldn't ask about past, number of people we slept with. Generally any question you DON'T want to know the answer to. Nothing could be smarter!

Bridgett said...

Question asker: if it makes you feel any better, she probably thinks about the fact that she fucked your friends too, but that's something she's gotten over, otherwise she wouldn't be with you. You should do the same. My boyfriend knows I have fucked around with some real big losers (examples: a Juggalo, a realtor with a horrible Jimi Hendrix tattoo, a guy with a dick so small it retracted inside him when he was flaccid) but if either of us thought about that all the time, then we wouldn't be together. It's something you either accept or you don't.

That probably sounded harsh, but I didn't mean it to be.

Candice said...

Amen Brendan. Seriously.

Robb said...

Juggalo, realtor with terrible Hendrix tattoo, and micropenis guy is possibly the greatest trio I've ever heard of. Separately, they lose considerable power, but together...untapped potential. Roommates. TV show. It could be an even more pathetic, delightfully-twisted version of It's Always Sunny.

Jayzilla said...

i love when you write about self-esteem/insecurities ... lay that shit down

Seagull Steve said...

Great wisdom today BK, kudos to you.

kylewagoner said...

I do love posts like these. I know some people are curious and have to ask about every detail and I seriously prefer not to know anything about any of that...it's just weird...and I don't tell about my past, either. Glad I've been doing it right.

love,
Kyle

Scott Juniper. said...

First Rob that posted, I was going to say the exact same thing. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Scott Juniper. said...

On that note, everyone on the planet who's in this situation should first watch that movie (at least the part with Silent Bob's epic monologue) and then they should read this entry. Problem solved.

Nico said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robb said...

So which glass are we to surmise holds what? Going by the traditional left-to-right western reading paradigm, I guess it's buttsweat in the highball, tears in the rocks? Left to interpretation?

Banana@1000MPH said...

NW BSC readers: David Cross, Powell's books, Friday, noon.

kennyg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kennyg said...

ha. i'm in a situation kinda like this myself. except, i don't give a fuck about my girlfriend's past. she just goes nuts about mine. she gets MAD at me because i've slept with other girls. like, genuinely angry at me.
i try to tell her it does her no good to dwell on it, but it doesn't help. maybe i'll get her to read this.

p.s. i love reading robb's input on these posts as much as i enjoy actually reading the posts. hah

kylewagoner said...

Oh yeah, and...bitch I'mma kill you! You don't wanna fuck with me. Girls leave - you aint nothin' but a slut to me!

Gotta love me that Eminem.


love,
Kyle

Kevin Burnett said...

Or...and I'm playing devil's advocate here folks...you've been dating this girl for two months,she banged two of your former band members, she says "I always had a crush" on you...and it's all bullshit.

There is no way for me to know if yours or her feelings are genuine, so its 100% possible that what I'm saying is completely wrong, BUT if she "Always had a crush on you" while she was banging your band mates, why the fuck didn't she just bang you?

Look, I'm in a brutally cynical stage of my life when it comes to love, so take it all with a grain of salt. If her feelings for you are true, and she really is falling for you like you think, then BK's advice is spot on.

J.A.F. said...

dear mother, i'm sorry
we only fucked just once
i sucked and sucked till
the semen ran out
and i said "cum, man, cum!"

i know we were talking about this a few posts ago... i can probably think of a better one

Kevin Burnett said...

Dear Girlfriend, I'm sorry.
I just got sloppy runs.

I shat and shat till the kernels came out. And they plopped out one by one.

Robb said...

Well Kenny, for what it's worth I'm transfixed. 'Kenny G' is truly one of the few first name-first consonant of surname combos that truly works. Tommy C? Asshole. Jimmy T? Dreadful. Kenny G, that's a sweet spot. Aesthetically pleasing, yet for no immediately discernible reason. Enjoy my affections, they're free. And now the whole drawer wants your pole, XX and XY alike.

Also I flipped past Dancing with the tards a little while ago, and Debi Mazar truly is just hideous to the point it defies description. Jesus christ. If one combined the worst elements of Fairuza Balk and a constipated squirrel it might be in the ballpark, dunno.

Tony said...

"'Kenny G' is truly one of the few first name-first consonant of surname combos that truly works. Tommy C? Asshole. Jimmy T? Dreadful. Kenny G, that's a sweet spot."

Ahhhahahaha! Start a blog, Robb!!