the great divide!

I’d like to preface this entry by pointing out to the dumb dildo in the Sock Drawer who suggested that I don’t know what I’m talking about the other day that in fact, squids and octopi are mollusks…specifically, they’re cephalopods, so suck my balls.

Now that that’s out of the way…

Ah, the female nether regions. Nothing better, is there? It’s a powerful and mysterious zone that women get weird about, men get really weird about, and to top off the mystery, no one can master it, ever. What works for one doesn’t work for the other. What works for one on Monday totally snaps it shut like a dusty hinge-shelled bivalve on Tuesday. And what works in pornography RARELY works outside of pornography (unless jagermeister [or perhaps cocaine?] is involved). To make matters more confusing, the operating system functions more like the mind boggling Theremin than like the straightforward bike pump. Generally, it’s the most mysterious thing on the earth.

There’s a wealth of topics to discuss when it comes to the uh…womb, and I’m not getting into most of them today. The one aspect I do want to talk about is the way that we talk about them…the clams, beavers, and burgers of the world. It’s such a weird thing. Much like the organ itself, just referring to it is a confusing and terrifying ordeal, and often what’s appropriate in on setting becomes totally wrong in the next.

Consider the weird (highly gross) debate sparked by Oprah’s use of the term vajayjay (a stupid word that only the lamest euphemism-giddy dorks would ever use). It was noted, by the women of the View (all of whom probably have TERIFFIC vajajays by the way…no, seriously, picture Whoopi, Joy and Barbara sitting on that couch with no pants, legs spread…it’s glorious) that there’s a certain cultural communal shudder that occurs when people say ‘vagina.’ Barbara Walters then went on to illustrate this point by saying vagina over and over again. It was weird. And gross. And she’s right. The word vagina is pretty clinical and it’s not doing anyone any favors.

It’s a lot like penis I guess. You can’t use the words penis or vagina in a non medical way, (except as an insult. ‘don’t be such a penis’ is a good thing to tell someone) so while you can tell your doctor, “I’ve got an itchy vagina” you can’t say ‘oooh, baby, do you like the way I’m rubbing my vagina?’ without sounding like a total weirdo. Hell, you can’t even tell your friend that you’ve got an itchy vagina. You’d have to say what? What do women say? I know the general male term is pussy, and that women often say pussy when they’re talking intimately or crassly, but I just don’t really see women sitting around saying pussy to each other. In fact, I kind of think that women, for the most part refrain from even using euphemisms and go fully for kind of vaguely referring to the general zone, saying things like ‘down there’ or ‘in my pants’ or at the most specific something like ‘cooch’ which I guess is about the closest thing to ‘dick’ that the pussy has…but that’s sort of the thing I’ve been getting to.
What about the word pussy? Can’t really just bandy that one about, can you? I mean, I guess pussy is sort of the equivalent to cock in that it’s kind of a naughty word, but it’s also kind of like dick in that it’s pretty casual. It’s a good word, but you’re not saying pussy in any sort of polite company without really raising an eyebrow or two.

So, anyway, my daughter has a rash. It’s from diapers and it’s totally normal, however I’m not really comfortable using any term to really describe where the rash is. This has come up in talking to my wife, when I’ll say “oh, just so you know, the baby has a rash on her….uh….” and then kind of trail off. I mean, technically, it’s a pussy…but that’s just weird. You can’t call a baby’s vagina a pussy any more than you can call a babys dong a cock…it’s perverse somehow. You’ve pretty much gotta say ‘vagina’ or else you’re a weird, weird weirdo. But saying vagina, as we’ve mentioned before, kind of sucks. But there’s no real other way.

My son has a wiener. He’s comfortable saying wiener and so am I and if he brings it up in mixed company, it’s not that bad. It’s funny, and no one really gets uncomfortable. But when he asks me where his sister’s wiener is, and then asks ‘well then, what’s that?’ I don’t know what to say. What’s the cute little euphemism for clam that you can tell a toddler to use when referring to the main difference between himself and his female contemporaries? Burger? Snizz? Muff? Kitty? Twat? Gash? Snatch? Hedgehog? Vertical smile? Axe wound? Curtains? Squid? Cephalopod?

No. They’re all terrible. There’s not yet been a word invented that can be comfortably be used to describe female genitalia, specifically in a non-sexual, non clinical way.

Well, there’s cunt…maybe we’ll just go with cunt.
Enjoy your weekend!