Friday, February 11, 2011

the great divide!

I’d like to preface this entry by pointing out to the dumb dildo in the Sock Drawer who suggested that I don’t know what I’m talking about the other day that in fact, squids and octopi are mollusks…specifically, they’re cephalopods, so suck my balls.

Now that that’s out of the way…

Ah, the female nether regions. Nothing better, is there? It’s a powerful and mysterious zone that women get weird about, men get really weird about, and to top off the mystery, no one can master it, ever. What works for one doesn’t work for the other. What works for one on Monday totally snaps it shut like a dusty hinge-shelled bivalve on Tuesday. And what works in pornography RARELY works outside of pornography (unless jagermeister [or perhaps cocaine?] is involved). To make matters more confusing, the operating system functions more like the mind boggling Theremin than like the straightforward bike pump. Generally, it’s the most mysterious thing on the earth.

There’s a wealth of topics to discuss when it comes to the uh…womb, and I’m not getting into most of them today. The one aspect I do want to talk about is the way that we talk about them…the clams, beavers, and burgers of the world. It’s such a weird thing. Much like the organ itself, just referring to it is a confusing and terrifying ordeal, and often what’s appropriate in on setting becomes totally wrong in the next.

Consider the weird (highly gross) debate sparked by Oprah’s use of the term vajayjay (a stupid word that only the lamest euphemism-giddy dorks would ever use). It was noted, by the women of the View (all of whom probably have TERIFFIC vajajays by the way…no, seriously, picture Whoopi, Joy and Barbara sitting on that couch with no pants, legs spread…it’s glorious) that there’s a certain cultural communal shudder that occurs when people say ‘vagina.’ Barbara Walters then went on to illustrate this point by saying vagina over and over again. It was weird. And gross. And she’s right. The word vagina is pretty clinical and it’s not doing anyone any favors.

It’s a lot like penis I guess. You can’t use the words penis or vagina in a non medical way, (except as an insult. ‘don’t be such a penis’ is a good thing to tell someone) so while you can tell your doctor, “I’ve got an itchy vagina” you can’t say ‘oooh, baby, do you like the way I’m rubbing my vagina?’ without sounding like a total weirdo. Hell, you can’t even tell your friend that you’ve got an itchy vagina. You’d have to say what? What do women say? I know the general male term is pussy, and that women often say pussy when they’re talking intimately or crassly, but I just don’t really see women sitting around saying pussy to each other. In fact, I kind of think that women, for the most part refrain from even using euphemisms and go fully for kind of vaguely referring to the general zone, saying things like ‘down there’ or ‘in my pants’ or at the most specific something like ‘cooch’ which I guess is about the closest thing to ‘dick’ that the pussy has…but that’s sort of the thing I’ve been getting to.
What about the word pussy? Can’t really just bandy that one about, can you? I mean, I guess pussy is sort of the equivalent to cock in that it’s kind of a naughty word, but it’s also kind of like dick in that it’s pretty casual. It’s a good word, but you’re not saying pussy in any sort of polite company without really raising an eyebrow or two.

So, anyway, my daughter has a rash. It’s from diapers and it’s totally normal, however I’m not really comfortable using any term to really describe where the rash is. This has come up in talking to my wife, when I’ll say “oh, just so you know, the baby has a rash on her….uh….” and then kind of trail off. I mean, technically, it’s a pussy…but that’s just weird. You can’t call a baby’s vagina a pussy any more than you can call a babys dong a cock…it’s perverse somehow. You’ve pretty much gotta say ‘vagina’ or else you’re a weird, weird weirdo. But saying vagina, as we’ve mentioned before, kind of sucks. But there’s no real other way.

My son has a wiener. He’s comfortable saying wiener and so am I and if he brings it up in mixed company, it’s not that bad. It’s funny, and no one really gets uncomfortable. But when he asks me where his sister’s wiener is, and then asks ‘well then, what’s that?’ I don’t know what to say. What’s the cute little euphemism for clam that you can tell a toddler to use when referring to the main difference between himself and his female contemporaries? Burger? Snizz? Muff? Kitty? Twat? Gash? Snatch? Hedgehog? Vertical smile? Axe wound? Curtains? Squid? Cephalopod?

No. They’re all terrible. There’s not yet been a word invented that can be comfortably be used to describe female genitalia, specifically in a non-sexual, non clinical way.

Well, there’s cunt…maybe we’ll just go with cunt.
Enjoy your weekend!

41 comments:

Eric said...

Do you want Curb Your Enthusiasm? There's an episode that talks about just this very thing... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWMXJ-LZhk8

Heather said...

i call it my pikachu. or my nono's. or my secret.

Sarah said...

What about vag? Less weird way to say vagina, but still pretty straight forward. Vag or lady/girl parts/bits seem to work pretty well in mixed company...

stoopidcomix said...

"birth hole"

chris said...

my daughter calls hers a front butt... or a bun (for hot dogs... bitch is bad news already)

Bridgett said...

I'm with Sarah. I say vag, as in "my vag itches," or "stick it in my vag!" That's weird to type. Especially at work. "Cooch" is also acceptable. I find "vajayjay" funny, and on occasion have been known to inform my boyfriend that my "vajay" itches.

Heather said...

cooch is ugly. i like to think of my vageen as a pretty delicate thing.

vageen.
vagine?

yep. my work takes screenshots.
HI.

Katie said...

Cookie has always been a good way to talk about vag when in mixed company, but then your kid might develop some weird eating disorder because of it. Meh.

Seagull Steve said...

For some reason I cant bring myself to say "pussy", I somehow feel its too vulgar....which is odd, because I am a very crude person. I just call it a 'gine...people know what Im talking about and it doesnt have the stigma a lot of synonyms for girl bits do.

Keep the weird invertebrate sea life references coming, it appeals to my inner nerd.

Sean said...

hahaha, can't wait to call my girlfriend's a cephalopod

allllthough she doesn't read this, so she may not find it that funny

smack of ham said...

Dude..."privates"

Robb said...

"…no, seriously, picture Whoopi, Joy and Barbara sitting on that couch with no pants, legs spread…it’s glorious)"

goddamn you

Robb said...

Btw think barabara just stole the whole 'vagina' repetition thing from big lebowski? Bitch aint hot an original bone in her boooody

HeLLaDaNTe said...

I think people should just keep commenting here until the word verification comes up with a better word.

"plerled" probably isn't that word though...

Keep trying, socks!

limited nobility said...

vag of honor

Amanda said...

My parents apparently wanted my brother and I to sound like idiots so we each called all genitals peepees until we were in 2nd-ish grade and got the really rudimentary periods/proper names/sex is where babies come from talk.

Now I use cunt, vag, or vagina. I hate the word pussy. I think it's because it sounds all sloppy and wet in a bad way and it looks like it could be pus-y.

I knew some kids who called their lady bits 'gina growing up and that doesn't seem like it's going to make your kid sound like an idiot in the first grade like peepee.

Jonathan said...

My 4 year old daughter is pretty content calling it her hooha.

Amanda L said...

Personally I enjoy the terms set into motion by the movie"The Jerk"; it should all be called ones "special purpose". As for other euphemisms - might I suggest the one the parents of the girls I baby sat for told me - opossum. Or better yet, a friend of mine and I had an inside joke going that we abbreviated as "delicious bunnies" - which he has written on his winter vest. However, this fell short when he took a Grey Hound one day and a 5 year old told him he knew what that meant; and further verified it with his mother that delicious or fat bunnies mean a woman's pee-pee.

Tid-bits for the taking.

Love your blog,
-Amanda Lunderman

Sean said...

So, I've noticed the sweat on your shirt from Against Me! shows has a particular smell to it compared to others......

Love your blog, too,
-Sean O

Matt said...

my cousin calls it her butt. her dad uses vagina.

Candice said...

i call gross ones watery lasagna

gw said...

on a related note

brendan- where'd you learn that about mollusks? that has to be the most interesting shit i've ever read. i need more.

thanks

Sarah_D_37 said...

I say "girl parts", and "woman junk" or there is always the new jersey shore word "COO-CA".

irishrosedkm said...

You could say vulva, which is the appropriate term and is actually what most people are referring to when they say vagina...or twat. Twat works too.

Tipsy Horse said...

When I was a wee lad all the girls in school referred to there 'girl goons' as a fanny, for what I understand outside of the UK fanny refers to ass or 'arse'. But yup here in Queens chamberpot we call em, fanny's, pork pies, soggy yorkshire puddings, reginas, fufu's, falula's and whatever seems funniest/unappropriate

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

Did your son really present you w a lil' bowl of pee n turds? Be awesome if you'd been in "one o' those moods" and just momentarily humored him n' took the bowl graciously and pretended to dig in

Lulz on callin out that James bliss turd...anyone else just envision him as the character Louis Green from Bored to Death? Try it; fucking hilarious in an awful way

It's A-Me, Martucci said...

nerdy, grating nasal tone: "Aaaaactually the U.S. uses proprietary cuuuuuustomary units of measure rather than imperial uuuuuuunits ~neeeeeEeeerph~"

Karen Kitten Cupcake Sweet said...

I prefer the term Lady Parts.
To be honest, I dont actually tell my friends that I have an itch, but that might be because most of my friends are dudes.

Craig said...

http://www.dickremoval.com/

christophe said...

Around here some people refer to small girl's privates as her little "mouse".

Not sure why, though. It only develops a tail once it starts bleeding.

There's plenty more variations in Dutch, that none of you Anglophiles would actually understand.

But just for the sound of it, I really like "flamoes" (pronounce: flamoose)

BEEXtrix Potter said...

"There's plenty more variations in Dutch, that none of you Anglophiles would actually understand"

Luckily for us no one's remotely interested! Wheeew

christophe said...

I wasn't aiming for interest. I'm already fully aware that hardly any American even cares about Europe, different cultures, languages, or god forbid, social security or health systems.

I met enough of those clueless barbarians so far.

It was merely an illustration of the fact that the number of names for the vagina is endless, when borrowing inspiration from different cultures and languages.

That being said, I'll indulge you and wish you good luck with any furhter attempts at making witty remarks.

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Gasp~! A laughably pompous, stereotypically cynical European assessment of U.S. cultural insularity?? Wonder of wonders! Originality truly is the spice of life, eh faggot-ass Christophe?

Lulz juss playin! I completely hear what you're sayin, but it has no bearing on the fact nobody (like, objectively, like, not even Dutch people) wants to hear about Dutch pussy euphamisms, ya know?

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Christophe how many scarves are you wearing right now? Have the scarves sort of biologically fused with your neck at this point, to the extent attempts to remove them/damage to the scarves themselves is like cutting into your own flesh?

funny if you're in the right mood

christophe said...

Actually, I haven't worn a scarf in a long time.

Popped collars keep me warm. Just kidding, just kidding.:-)

Actually, I have had discussions with many other Dutch speaking people about the many variations on the word pussy...

And just for the record: I'm Belgian. ;-)

BEEXtrix Potter said...

Christophe - I'm fuckin with ya in case it's not abundantly clear but you seem to be on the level. Truth be told I have a morbid curiosity for any and all European vagina pet names, Dutch or otherwise, so feel free to divulge some of those at any point

christophe said...

I am on the level, no worries. Just finding a way to kill time during lunch hour at the office.

Messing with 'Mericans on the interwebz is a good way to do so.

And to indulge in the matter of the pussy... Here goes, hold onto your panties, a short list of Dutch vag-o-nyms. You'll have to figure out the pronounciation yourself thoug.
Spleet, muis, foef, flamoes, vagijn, kut, poes, voorbips, preut, liefdesgrot, ...

Ashley said...

My niece calls hers a "peck peck", it still totally weirds me out when she starts talking about it

BEEXtrix Potter said...

I think I'm likin that last one (christophe) most right now

christophe said...

And with good cause. No better source for vag-o-nyms than smutty soft porn novels for women. :-D

simon said...

haha poes, im south african and poes in afrikaans (a offshoot hybrid of dutch and whatever else they wanted to merge kinda and an official language here in good ol southern africa) is quite an extreme word kinda like kunt, if i told you you're a poes and you were an afrikaner (yes the plural of afrikaans)you'd be highly offended and want to bliksem (beat badly) me