spies!

I’ve noticed something rather disturbing. Perez Hilton is trying to really brand himself as some kind of lifestyle camp, and frankly it’s disgusting.

I know, I shouldn’t concern myself with the dealings of Perez, and for the most part I don’t, but I’ve found myself checking in on the Lindsay Lohan updates (mostly because [sorry ladies] she’s so hot in those distressed courtroom photos [oh, make no mistake, she’s good looking. All hot and trashy and you can still see the dying innocence flashing in her stumbly, smeared aura]) and I’ve noticed a few disturbing trends over there on PH.C.

He’s trying to introduce some kind of new word or new lexicon or something, because he keeps saying “Amazeballs” in every story. Now, I’m just an old man in a cabin with a gun and an AM radio, so I don’t know, is this something the kids are already saying, or is this an invention of Perez’s own devious making? Because it’s SO TERRIBLY WACK. I mean, Amazeballs? that stinks. It stinks to high heaven, frankly.

Woah. I just looked it up and here’s the definition on Urbandictionary:

Amazeballs: Some annoying term Perez Hilton keeps trying to make happen, by saying it repeatedly, even though it makes no sense

It also seems to imply that Perez got it from some lame ass female comedy duo (which, you know, sounds like it would be good on paper, as the only thing funnier than female comedians* [or comediennes {nice term}] is comedic duos. Maybe they play guitars too and have a song about amazeballs. Sheesh. That would be, well, amazeballs, folks. There. I’ve said it.)

I don’t know. He’s also apparently doing this thing where he goes shirtless once a year to ‘inspire’ and well…it’s gross. His body looks like uh…I don’t know. You guys remember the old Alva John “Tex” Gibson skateboard? Probably not. Huh. Well, he’s got this big huge set of man cans that kind of slop over into his armpits and then a slightly smaller (still gross) torso kind of treetrunking down into whatever gross, stained boxers or gold briefs he’s wearing. He’s also got tyrannosaurus arms.

Inspiration, eh? I mean, it’s inspiring to know that someone with absolutely no redeeming qualities, physical, mental or otherwise (and you know he just smells like shit!) can make millions shitting out judgment and “pointed barbs” on their dumb blog (wait a minute…no redeeming qualities? Dumb blog? Shitting out judgment? Uh oh. Well, at least I’m broke. Sigh.), but bro, keep the shirt on. It’s so, so gnarly.

Finally, he’s really getting harsh on my girl, Lindsay. Yeah, she wrote “fuck u” on her nails as a sort of communiqué to the court, and for that she’s going to have to spend an extra week in jail. And sure, she ditched her alcohol ed. classes to do cocaine on yachts, but who among us wouldn’t do that, folks? Answer me that? I dunno. I love Lindsay, and I don’t care what Perez sez (the title of some feature on his blog that’s too reprehensibly named for me to find out what it is). She’s dumb and irreverent, but she’s still foxy.

Man, speaking of secret communiqués and good looking people in the news, that Russian spy has stolen the microfiche of my heart, that’s for sure. You know what I’m talking about? They’ve been talking about it on the news. Don’t you all watch the news or do you get all your info from the Daily show and Perez like the rest of us? Well, do yourself a favor and get into this spy story, cuz, man…it’s fascinating. These people were in deep cover for years, sometimes even having kids just to blend in better.

That’s crazy! Imagine if your life, literally, was nothing more than a badge of authenticity in some post cold war espionage plot. Pretty awesome. Or, maybe, more to the point, not awesome at all. Well, their parents are all going to jail or being deported in some sort of spy swap deal, so I guess they’ll have plenty of time to ponder their unique existences while getting molested by their foster parents. Ugh. gross.

I dunno, folks. I’m going to work tonight, so if you’re not doing anything and you like sitting around asking if we have things that we’re probably out of, stop by Risque Café where I’ll be kicking it all night. Oh, and my band is playing Riot Fest, which is pretty cool. It’s in Chicago. We can’t seem to get out of Chicago these days.

Man, speaking of that, I read that whole article on Ted Leo’s “retirement” and it makes a lot of sense. It’s scary to get old and realize that your only job has been sitting in a van and farting on other people. Not really much of a resume builder. You know?

*Spare me. I know. Women are hilarious. Good. Nice. We can all do everything. Glad that’s settled. I LOVE female comedy! What? Seriously! Witney Cummings is pretty funny. Same with Sarah Silverman and Joan Rivers. And, the best part? Their acts are all so feminine! I mean, at least they’re not just impersonating men, right? Hmmm….

Hey, I shouldn’t be insinuating that females can’t be funny, because that’s just not true. I should be suggesting that femininity doesn’t often lend itself to humor, in much the same way that masculinity doesn’t lend itself to grace, or being morbidly obese doesn’t’ lend itself to dignity or looking good shirtless (take note, Perez). No, women are often hilarious. However, it’s not really the feminine part of them that makes them funny. That’s why all the chicks on sex in the city talk like gay dudes and not straight women. I don’t know. This all feels like I’m gonna get an awful lot of shit from my funny female friends. Uh…hmmm. Don’t know what to say/do about that. Send nudes? Ah, that should do it.