Friday, July 9, 2010

spies!

I’ve noticed something rather disturbing. Perez Hilton is trying to really brand himself as some kind of lifestyle camp, and frankly it’s disgusting.

I know, I shouldn’t concern myself with the dealings of Perez, and for the most part I don’t, but I’ve found myself checking in on the Lindsay Lohan updates (mostly because [sorry ladies] she’s so hot in those distressed courtroom photos [oh, make no mistake, she’s good looking. All hot and trashy and you can still see the dying innocence flashing in her stumbly, smeared aura]) and I’ve noticed a few disturbing trends over there on PH.C.

He’s trying to introduce some kind of new word or new lexicon or something, because he keeps saying “Amazeballs” in every story. Now, I’m just an old man in a cabin with a gun and an AM radio, so I don’t know, is this something the kids are already saying, or is this an invention of Perez’s own devious making? Because it’s SO TERRIBLY WACK. I mean, Amazeballs? that stinks. It stinks to high heaven, frankly.

Woah. I just looked it up and here’s the definition on Urbandictionary:

Amazeballs: Some annoying term Perez Hilton keeps trying to make happen, by saying it repeatedly, even though it makes no sense

It also seems to imply that Perez got it from some lame ass female comedy duo (which, you know, sounds like it would be good on paper, as the only thing funnier than female comedians* [or comediennes {nice term}] is comedic duos. Maybe they play guitars too and have a song about amazeballs. Sheesh. That would be, well, amazeballs, folks. There. I’ve said it.)

I don’t know. He’s also apparently doing this thing where he goes shirtless once a year to ‘inspire’ and well…it’s gross. His body looks like uh…I don’t know. You guys remember the old Alva John “Tex” Gibson skateboard? Probably not. Huh. Well, he’s got this big huge set of man cans that kind of slop over into his armpits and then a slightly smaller (still gross) torso kind of treetrunking down into whatever gross, stained boxers or gold briefs he’s wearing. He’s also got tyrannosaurus arms.

Inspiration, eh? I mean, it’s inspiring to know that someone with absolutely no redeeming qualities, physical, mental or otherwise (and you know he just smells like shit!) can make millions shitting out judgment and “pointed barbs” on their dumb blog (wait a minute…no redeeming qualities? Dumb blog? Shitting out judgment? Uh oh. Well, at least I’m broke. Sigh.), but bro, keep the shirt on. It’s so, so gnarly.

Finally, he’s really getting harsh on my girl, Lindsay. Yeah, she wrote “fuck u” on her nails as a sort of communiqué to the court, and for that she’s going to have to spend an extra week in jail. And sure, she ditched her alcohol ed. classes to do cocaine on yachts, but who among us wouldn’t do that, folks? Answer me that? I dunno. I love Lindsay, and I don’t care what Perez sez (the title of some feature on his blog that’s too reprehensibly named for me to find out what it is). She’s dumb and irreverent, but she’s still foxy.

Man, speaking of secret communiqués and good looking people in the news, that Russian spy has stolen the microfiche of my heart, that’s for sure. You know what I’m talking about? They’ve been talking about it on the news. Don’t you all watch the news or do you get all your info from the Daily show and Perez like the rest of us? Well, do yourself a favor and get into this spy story, cuz, man…it’s fascinating. These people were in deep cover for years, sometimes even having kids just to blend in better.

That’s crazy! Imagine if your life, literally, was nothing more than a badge of authenticity in some post cold war espionage plot. Pretty awesome. Or, maybe, more to the point, not awesome at all. Well, their parents are all going to jail or being deported in some sort of spy swap deal, so I guess they’ll have plenty of time to ponder their unique existences while getting molested by their foster parents. Ugh. gross.

I dunno, folks. I’m going to work tonight, so if you’re not doing anything and you like sitting around asking if we have things that we’re probably out of, stop by Risque Café where I’ll be kicking it all night. Oh, and my band is playing Riot Fest, which is pretty cool. It’s in Chicago. We can’t seem to get out of Chicago these days.

Man, speaking of that, I read that whole article on Ted Leo’s “retirement” and it makes a lot of sense. It’s scary to get old and realize that your only job has been sitting in a van and farting on other people. Not really much of a resume builder. You know?

*Spare me. I know. Women are hilarious. Good. Nice. We can all do everything. Glad that’s settled. I LOVE female comedy! What? Seriously! Witney Cummings is pretty funny. Same with Sarah Silverman and Joan Rivers. And, the best part? Their acts are all so feminine! I mean, at least they’re not just impersonating men, right? Hmmm….

Hey, I shouldn’t be insinuating that females can’t be funny, because that’s just not true. I should be suggesting that femininity doesn’t often lend itself to humor, in much the same way that masculinity doesn’t lend itself to grace, or being morbidly obese doesn’t’ lend itself to dignity or looking good shirtless (take note, Perez). No, women are often hilarious. However, it’s not really the feminine part of them that makes them funny. That’s why all the chicks on sex in the city talk like gay dudes and not straight women. I don’t know. This all feels like I’m gonna get an awful lot of shit from my funny female friends. Uh…hmmm. Don’t know what to say/do about that. Send nudes? Ah, that should do it.

18 comments:

Candice said...

you look better topless than perez does, so you have that going for you.

so excited about tla at riot fest!

Donnie said...

if you're tired or Perez you can always switch to wwtdd.com

Jayzilla said...

i wish i could blow of work to do to ride yachts with lindsay lo...

Robb said...

I too once had the misconception Silverman is funny..it happens. Then there's Bridget McManus, who can’t go a minute without reminding us what a krrrAzy lesbian she is! She’s SUPER not-funny! Maria Bamford may be the funniest person on earth though

Banana@1000MPH said...

the ridiculously flamboyantly gay dude in my hall in the dorms (okay, one of them...maybe the most flamboyant although I really need him and one other gay dude to battle it out to be sure) started saying amazeballs at some point. The other ridiculously flamboyantly gay dude is more the type to read perezhilton, but the "amazeballs" dude was on his computer, laying in bed like 22 hours out of the day - mostly whenever his roommate asked him to clean up his pig sty. What I'm getting at is that I kind of feel like it is just a thing that gay dudes that look like Perez Hilton say.

dustyfloors said...

Riot Fest?! Sweet!
Is that a multi-day thing? If so you must advise which day it is Beex.

Moxie. said...

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt

I LOVE this blog for whatever celebrity gossip I decide to care about when I'm not spending my lunch break outside basking in the welcoming glow of... a warehouse parking lot. Seriously, it's judge-y, but usually pretty amusing.

And don't hate on the Daily Show...Jon Stewart is definitely the cutest news source, presently

Sean said...

anyone hear about these wacky conspiracy theories about the BP oil spill?

http://www.boingboing.net/2010/05/06/bp-oil-spill-conspir.html

north korean diesel-powered minisubs?!

uhhhhhh

Sean said...

... sounds kinda like a new Subway sandwich, now that I think about it. A disgusting one, at that.

amandatague said...

I saw you crossing the street in front of the Burger King basically right next to Kuma's today on the bus on my way to a job interview. I took it as a good omen and the interview really did go pretty well.

/end creepy.

Garfield Roscoe said...

Beex, what was the deal with that Against Me! show at JBTV? I was there, and they sounded amazing, but it seemed like I was the only guy singing along... They didn't seem to thrilled with the dead crowd, but the room wasn't conducive to really getting into it. Felt like we were in an upscale classy studio set. All I know is, it sounded great. Can I get an audio copy somewhere? I know you can pull some strings!

Hitler said...

garfield i was there too, and i noticed the same thing. still a sweet show though.

Andi said...

props on the massive font! You knew it was hard to read but you did it anyway. Go bk! You da man!

Garfield Roscoe said...

Just reread my post... I put "to" where I should have put "too." What a moron.

有年 said...

來幫推 你個blog影d相真係好靚,係我至愛~ ..................................................................

ericaaaaa said...

i think my brain just exploded. my bands-i-want-to-see-at-riot-fest list is now complete.

limited nobility said...

"amazeballs" is pretty "shiteous" but there is no better way to describe the visage of the dude who used to be married to leann rimes than to simply say he's afflicted with "gay face" """""" """""""' ""'""welcome beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex

limited nobility said...

'T rex plodded like an elephant,nerve study says'.lmfao