Thursday, July 1, 2010

splash into summer with BSC!

hey hey! It’s july, one of the most famous months of the year. I’m a fan. When I think july here’s what I think of: egg salad sandwiches, picnics, sprinklers, slip n slides, guys with nice shorts and tons of bryll cream in their hair, beach balls, and of course, the celebration of when Jesus made America the official country of God. Now, I don’t eat egg salad, nor do I have a sprinkler, a slip n slide or any bryll cream (or nice shorts, for that matter) but today, in honor of july and America, I’m gonna make a little list of great stuff to do in the summertime. Ready? Me too.

First up, Summertime drink:

Everybody is really into infusing vodka these days. It seems like I can’t go into a bar without seeing some tub full of pineapples and vodka. This sounds refreshing to me, but I think for my money, there’s nothing that says summer like a can of Busch light, shotgunned on your back porch in the harsh sober dawn.

Catchphrase-

We’ve been living in the era of the ‘douche’. I don’t know what went down in 2003 or so, but at some point ‘douchebag’ went from being a hopelessly out of date insult that reached its zenith of visibility when Booger uttered it during a particularly vitriolic scene in the 1984 classic Revenge of the Nerds, to being the Lady Gaga of words. The shit is everywhere. How popular is douchebag? During the recent broadcast of the Tony awards, the word was spoken no less than seventy nine times. The latest polls indicate that at any given second, at least one person in thirteen is saying douche, douchebag or some variation therein. Clearly, this has to end, and as we all know, there’s no better time to start a new trend, and kill an old one than summer. So, what’s the new catchphrase? I’d like to offer up “Go fuck an old man” but I’m open to other suggestions too.

Passtime:

The beach? Totally so yesterday, bro. Skateboarding? For kids and manchildren. Flying kites? Cool, but only if you’re really, really high. Nah. Fuck those old school summer activities. This year, nothing’s gonna say summer like having sweaty intercourse in porta potties with anonymous strangers. And remember, the more uh…’red state’ your intercourse is, the more likely it is to result in the miracle of pregnancy, so those port a johns at the NASCAR track are a good place to start. Don’t let me (and by extension, jesus) down, kids! This summer we can get started on a whole new army of fans of whoever the next generation’s Larry the Cable guy is.

Soundtrack-

Remember that scene in Your Friends and Neighbors when the guy from Lost Boys is doing situps and listening to a cassette of himself fucking some chick on his walkman? That’s pretty weird. Anyway, I think this summer we should all listen to more Daughtry.

Fashion trend-

Will this finally be the year that the world embraces the ballsack cleavage trend that I’ve been advocating for so many years? Probably not, but you know what? They laughed at Gloria Steinem when she wore pants. They laughed at Ben Franklin when he put buckles on his shoes. They laughed at Martin Luther King because of his fruity stockings, so don’t let those assholes get you down. Hang your ballsacks over your belts this summer and join the long list of freedom fighting pioneers that didn’t give a fuck about the naysayers, but be sure to put sunscreen on yer boys or you’re gonna be bummed. Oh, ladies, you can just use a chewed piece of bubblegum as a substitute (or just expose your cans. That’s classic fashion that never goes out of style, kind of like wearing a tiara).

Non Procreative Sex Act-

Oh, here we go. It’s been a while, but here comes the felching. I thought we were done with this tired topic….No? I mean, honestly, you’re a thirty three year old man. Can you go get a job or something? Don’t you have kids? Can you stop talking about felching and farts and butts and shit for just…well, how bout forever? You’re supposed to be an educated guy and some kind of ‘intellectual songwriter’ (whatever the fuck that means) but all you ever do is sit here ineffectually and talk like a budget version of a pre-lobotomy Tom Delonge. Way to mature, dude. No wonder you’re such a loser. People are supposed to change. People grow and your friends are riding around on tour busses and hanging out with the dudes from Nine Inch Nails while you’re sitting there in the stench of your putrid farts typing stupid, predictable ‘witticisms’ about ass play. What’s that tell you, smart guy? How bout you pull it together, for your kids if nothing else, eh? You’re pathetic.

Sigh. Um, jeez. Anyway, yeah. It’s felching.

Disease-

No era is complete without a disease, right? I mean, the 20’s had syphilis and the dark ages had the plague…that’s pretty much everything, right? Oh, the 80’s had AIDS, they had ebola in the 90’s. We had what? Bird flu, swine flu, and Bieber Fever already this millennium, so what’s it gonna be this summer? I’d like to suggest that we just make it easy on ourselves and go with HPV since most of you already have it anyway.

Okay, thanks for reading the Splash into Summer edition of the BSC. Now get out there and live!

Happy birthday Jesus!

24 comments:

Toto said...

i had to check out that Daughtry band, and in the words of Justin Sane : "what a bunch of fucking shit"

it's already summer up there? down here we are in the middle of winter, so i traded cold beer for red wine to keep me warm (and classy of course)

do some stand up already, i won't be there but there is youtube for poor losers like me.

Toto said...

hey, i forgot. do any of you socks hate Kat Von Dee for some unexplainable reason? i think i know the reasons but i'm not sure, anyway, i hate her from the bottom of my heart, everytime i see her on tv or internet i feel the need to punch something or kick somebody's face and run.
i would like to know why, i asked my mother and she said "who the fuck is Kitten von? and why were you born?!"
i said "keep it toghether mom, don't make me set you on fire again , we don't want that ok?".

anyway, fuck you Kat von dee, fuck you and your stupid tattoos, and the way you talk and your constant need to look "edgy" and cool. FUCK YOU.

GOD!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!!

(no more drinking for today)

dustyfloors said...

I heard someone say "That's what she said" after I said "It's gotta be harder than that" the other day. Maybe this awesome phrase can replace "douche"
Whaddya think?

Robb said...

Von D set a guinness record for most tats given in 24 hrs. ..really? She has both a Misfits tat AND a ZZ Top tat. ..really? Still, Id fuck her mouth

Donnie said...

dusty, i can only assume you don't watch the office.

Mikey said...

that was sarcasm right dustyfloors? otherwise you're very late to that party. years late.

although i'm in the camp that says, if done right, it's still funny...

Toto said...

still i'd totally fuck her brains out too.

dustyfloors said...

Donnie, Mikey I was totally fucking around.

I work in an office and therefore have to hear that, without exaggerating, at least 24 times a day. It's maddening. I still use it when I get the fastball down the middle I can't help but taking out of the park.

dustyfloors said...
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dustyfloors said...
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dustyfloors said...
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Bridgett said...

I heard syphilis is on the rise. Oh that's good: I Googled "syphilis 2010" to see if I could find an article about this, and almost everything on the first page is either "does Justin Bieber really have syphilis?" or "is Facebook causing syphilis?" If syphilis had a slogan, based on the Google search I just made, it should be "Syphilis: not just for the Chinese and gay!" Look it up, it's a good time.

limited nobility said...

anyone remember "daddies little piggies" as a colloquialism for peach's geldof,lily allen types?can't remember the origin but it was from bsc.very funny!

Jesus said...

And don't forget about your neighbors up north, the place where all your favorite friends like Wayne Gretzky, Muhammad, and Budhha were all born and raised.
Alright enough talk. I'm to get absolutely fucked on Gin. Happy Canada Day, bitches!

Nick said...

http://www.google.com/trends?q=douchebag%2C+felching&ctab=0&geo=all&date=all&sort=0

You're totally right about douchebag (except it's 2004, not 03), and it seems to be spreading quicker and quicker. We need to go back and find out what caused that initial spike in 04 so we can put this process to an end. Also, it seems as if Canadians are officially the biggest inquirers into the ways of the douche.

As for felching, well, as I'm sure you can all see, it seems the Brits and Kiwis are the biggest aficionados of this pastime. I wonder what caused that bizarre spike in felching search volume in mid-2009. My money says it has something to do with you Mr. Kelly.

It's A-me, Martucci said...

Gin? You cheeseball.

And let's be honest, 'that's what sheee said' was never funny

limited nobility said...

Tool has definitely been encroaching on douche-bag/d-bag's territory lately.I think it's the preferred pejorative for those actually insinuated into the whole juiced up,spray tan,ed hardy,vegas bomb rounds,socially accepted rape, scene.so,there's well..beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks!

disastermarch said...

speaking of lobotomized tom delonge is that interview on JBTV yet? I was looking for it cuz it sounds hilarious but either I'm dumb or their website is really confusing.

sweet episode with DTM btw

Drunken Acorn said...

Yes! Douche bag needs to be replaced. I like the go fuck an old man. But you can never go wrong with calling someone a cum rash. It's quick and to the point.

Trace said...

I heard the Alkaline Trio got arrested and were late to Warped Tour today because of it (if they ever showed up), I gotta find out if it's true, though

信豪信豪 said...

欣賞是一種美德~回應是最大的支持^^.................................................................

Capt Murdock said...

New Summer Ritual:

Bringing your kids to the in-laws, drinking all of their beer (in-laws not kids [I had to clarify since I am in Philly and take my kids to Phillies games]) and doing an obscene amount of cannon balls into their pool.

You are near the: said...

FLYING KITES WILL ALWAYS BE AWESOME AND FUN, REGARDLESS OF DRUG INTAKE.

End of story, douchebag.

casey said...

I kind of enjoy "eat a bag of (floppy, cold, HPV-ified, etc) dicks!" as a potential summer phrase.