hey hey! It’s july, one of the most famous months of the year. I’m a fan. When I think july here’s what I think of: egg salad sandwiches, picnics, sprinklers, slip n slides, guys with nice shorts and tons of bryll cream in their hair, beach balls, and of course, the celebration of when Jesus made America the official country of God. Now, I don’t eat egg salad, nor do I have a sprinkler, a slip n slide or any bryll cream (or nice shorts, for that matter) but today, in honor of july and America, I’m gonna make a little list of great stuff to do in the summertime. Ready? Me too.
First up, Summertime drink:
Everybody is really into infusing vodka these days. It seems like I can’t go into a bar without seeing some tub full of pineapples and vodka. This sounds refreshing to me, but I think for my money, there’s nothing that says summer like a can of Busch light, shotgunned on your back porch in the harsh sober dawn.
We’ve been living in the era of the ‘douche’. I don’t know what went down in 2003 or so, but at some point ‘douchebag’ went from being a hopelessly out of date insult that reached its zenith of visibility when Booger uttered it during a particularly vitriolic scene in the 1984 classic Revenge of the Nerds, to being the Lady Gaga of words. The shit is everywhere. How popular is douchebag? During the recent broadcast of the Tony awards, the word was spoken no less than seventy nine times. The latest polls indicate that at any given second, at least one person in thirteen is saying douche, douchebag or some variation therein. Clearly, this has to end, and as we all know, there’s no better time to start a new trend, and kill an old one than summer. So, what’s the new catchphrase? I’d like to offer up “Go fuck an old man” but I’m open to other suggestions too.
The beach? Totally so yesterday, bro. Skateboarding? For kids and manchildren. Flying kites? Cool, but only if you’re really, really high. Nah. Fuck those old school summer activities. This year, nothing’s gonna say summer like having sweaty intercourse in porta potties with anonymous strangers. And remember, the more uh…’red state’ your intercourse is, the more likely it is to result in the miracle of pregnancy, so those port a johns at the NASCAR track are a good place to start. Don’t let me (and by extension, jesus) down, kids! This summer we can get started on a whole new army of fans of whoever the next generation’s Larry the Cable guy is.
Remember that scene in Your Friends and Neighbors when the guy from Lost Boys is doing situps and listening to a cassette of himself fucking some chick on his walkman? That’s pretty weird. Anyway, I think this summer we should all listen to more Daughtry.
Will this finally be the year that the world embraces the ballsack cleavage trend that I’ve been advocating for so many years? Probably not, but you know what? They laughed at Gloria Steinem when she wore pants. They laughed at Ben Franklin when he put buckles on his shoes. They laughed at Martin Luther King because of his fruity stockings, so don’t let those assholes get you down. Hang your ballsacks over your belts this summer and join the long list of freedom fighting pioneers that didn’t give a fuck about the naysayers, but be sure to put sunscreen on yer boys or you’re gonna be bummed. Oh, ladies, you can just use a chewed piece of bubblegum as a substitute (or just expose your cans. That’s classic fashion that never goes out of style, kind of like wearing a tiara).
Non Procreative Sex Act-
Oh, here we go. It’s been a while, but here comes the felching. I thought we were done with this tired topic….No? I mean, honestly, you’re a thirty three year old man. Can you go get a job or something? Don’t you have kids? Can you stop talking about felching and farts and butts and shit for just…well, how bout forever? You’re supposed to be an educated guy and some kind of ‘intellectual songwriter’ (whatever the fuck that means) but all you ever do is sit here ineffectually and talk like a budget version of a pre-lobotomy Tom Delonge. Way to mature, dude. No wonder you’re such a loser. People are supposed to change. People grow and your friends are riding around on tour busses and hanging out with the dudes from Nine Inch Nails while you’re sitting there in the stench of your putrid farts typing stupid, predictable ‘witticisms’ about ass play. What’s that tell you, smart guy? How bout you pull it together, for your kids if nothing else, eh? You’re pathetic.
Sigh. Um, jeez. Anyway, yeah. It’s felching.
No era is complete without a disease, right? I mean, the 20’s had syphilis and the dark ages had the plague…that’s pretty much everything, right? Oh, the 80’s had AIDS, they had ebola in the 90’s. We had what? Bird flu, swine flu, and Bieber Fever already this millennium, so what’s it gonna be this summer? I’d like to suggest that we just make it easy on ourselves and go with HPV since most of you already have it anyway.
Okay, thanks for reading the Splash into Summer edition of the BSC. Now get out there and live!
Happy birthday Jesus!